I give you my hand if you reach out and grab it
So, since livejournal seems to be "over" I guess I don't really have to feel stupid about sounding like a manic depressive with no solid opinions... Okay, I guess I do; I'm providing a disclaimer. Anyhow, more large decisions have been made.
I am officially a Delta Gamma. We had inspiration and initiation this past week, and today we had a Founder's Day luncheon at the Hillwood Country Club with the Nashville alumnae. It was so fun and it made me really excited about all that is to come. Plus, chapter on Monday is going to be exciting, as we will be finding out about all the details of Saturday's FORMAL!
I made the mistake again on Thursday of eating a very early dinner, like early-bird-special early, and then drinking at 11:30 and getting absolutely way more shit-faced than ever before off of like 5 shots. I remember hardly anything and I woke up with one of the only two hangovers I've ever had. Let it suffice to say I wanted to die, but I worked out anyway after drinking about a gallon of water. Surprisingly, it made me feel much better to work out...until I got off the machine and my head started pounding again. So, I made the judgment call to skip the St. Patty's Day festivities and obviously tonight's as well. Good choice, good choice.
I still have not started studying for my tests, but I've had a lot of other stuff going on. Brittany has mono - and it looks like a worse case than Kelsey had. I took care of her and rented her movies and bought her Gatorade and soup and stuff, and then I woke up this morning to go to the country club and there were a bunch of notes paper-clipped together outside of my door along with the salt I'd let her borrow and her car keys. I FREAKED out. But, then I read the notes, and found out that her mom drove up in the middle of the night and she's staying with her in a hotel so she can get some good rest and be taken care of. She's going to the ER tomorrow because they think she has something else on top of mono. I parked her car for her over at the Loew's so she wouldn't get a ticket, and now I'm just sad. She wrote me one of the nicest letters I've ever received and it made me think of how I might die without her.
Anyhow, I still went on with the plans and went shopping all day at the outlets with Kara and Ima and spent a ton of money, but also got a lot of very basic, useful-for-life articles of clothing. I also tried on white jeans that looked pretty amazing on me, but I was told that white JEANS are taboo, so I reluctantly hung them back up and left them. I also fell in love with a pink skirt with green flamingo print on it, but could not justify spending $70 for Polo spring preppiness. I heart Polo outlets. Then we went and saw some of the other B2 girls and had dinner at Chili's. Now, here I am drinking Diet Coke in my polka dot pajamas and wondering why I freak out about things, when in all honesty, I should know that things have always worked out for me in the end.
I got hysterical on the phone with my mom on Thursday before initiation about transferring and decisions and I could not stop crying for the longest time, AND I used the f-word. She didn't say anything. But then I did some serious reflecting while working out, and I've been praying about it, and I talked to Brittany about it, and the right decision just came to me. I am going to stay here.
I remember doing research on colleges in 10th grade, far before most people even began to give a shit. I spent hours on collegeboard.com reading profiles and taking tests and comparing this and that. We even bought 2 giant college review books so that I could choose the "best" places for me to apply. Vanderbilt was never one of my interests. I applied last minute due to the fact that Mrs. Herbig and my parents loved the school and figured I would never get enough money to go anyway. Then I got the letter last March (A YEAR AGO THIS WEEKEND!) asking me to fly to Vanderbilt on an all expenses paid scholarship weekend. I bought preppy outfits and had many interviews and informational sessions, and I remember sitting in my hostess's room and crying to my mom saying, "I want this SO bad, I don't know what I'm going to do," and thinking that I'd messed up at the fancy dinner/not talked enough/been the one whose essays the interviewers were talking badly about. Then I got another letter as soon as I got home telling me I was getting 2 academic merit scholarships. I freaked out again, then had the Tulane v. Vanderbilt dilemma. I decided Tulane, found out over the phone while on spring break that the money wasn't going to be enough at Tulane, and so Vandy it was! I was so proud, so excited, and so scared. How would I survive with so many pretty, skinny, rich, intelligent girls to compete with every day? I still struggle with this one, but have acknowledged my tendency to forget everything I know is not a competitive issue and zero in on the best of the best and use that as my standard. Of course I'm going to feel like shit. But yes, there are plenty of not-so-cute people, people that aren't involved in anything on campus, that went to public school, that are awkward, etc. I'm still as normal as I thought I was in high school. I just had to realize it all over again.
My ultimate wishes for my collge: 6000-7000 kids, in the south, good name, small classes, good professors, greek life, student newspaper, small enough to walk everywhere, urban setting, out of state, somewhere where no one from high school went.
And guess what? I got all of those things. I just felt really lost without a "group" of friends and without ANYONE familiar to turn to EVER. I missed Jacob. I missed my family. I missed my friends. I missed Georgia. I missed Atlanta. I missed hip-hop music. I missed not having so many responsibilities. I thought everyone was having more fun than me, not struggling with anything. I thought it was a personal problem. So I threw myself into every situation I possibly could, even if it scared the living shit out of me. I couldn't bitch if I didn't try. I'm reporting and being aggressive with interviews (which still scares me, but I do it all week, every week), I'm in charge of the art shows, I am going to as many sorority things as I can, I'm applying for all the honor societies and groups I'm getting invited to join, I'm trying to meet as many new people as I can. And it's finally paying off. I've been paving my way this entire time, even though I was too blind to realize it before.
I'm going to graduate as a certified journalist without majoring in it, I'm going to get to study abroad (hopefully in Florence for the art history program), I'm going to intern in either NYC, San Francisco, or London for a semester, I'm going to stay and love it. Once I sat back, I realized that I'm usually always happy here, I just have these moments where something gets me and it gets me hard, and the first thing I think of is going home or getting back together with Jacob, but then once I'm happy again, I realize that's not what I want, it's just what's the most comforting when I'm down. Don't get me wrong, there's still plenty of things I don't like about the school, but I re-evaluated my priorities and realized that yes, the schoolwork here pretty much kills me and no matter how hard I work, I will not be an A student all the time. But I NEED it to be hard. I need everyone around me to be smart, to care about school as much as me, to respect me when I say I don't want to go out on the weekends because I need to study. I want school to be the norm, not drinking. But I love that I always have plenty of people to go out and get drunk with anytime I want.
I'm rooming with Kara next year. I love her to death. We're getting a room next to Rachel and Lindsey. We're going to live in North on Peabody with the rest of the sophomores (instead of being scattered across campus like this year). They have cars. I have a plan. I'm happy. I'm excited. I'm going to miss Brittany so much though.
I think what did it for me was that anger and sadness at being home those 2 days at the end of spring break. I accidentally told my mom I hated coming home. She looked so crushed. I didn't mean it like I hated being with them, but I decided I love our relationships more from a distance. We're better over the phone and in e-mail. I like being away. I like not having to compare life now to life then. I like being on my own. I think if I hadn't gone home, it never would've clicked for me that things will never be the same, so why not be happy where I am? I was happy to be back at school for the first time, and even though I was dreading it as we pulled up, I jumped on everyone I saw and was happy to see people.
The idea of transferring would never have entered my mind except for the fact that so many people on my hall, and especially Brittany, were talking about it and it got me a little shaken up. I got stuck on the negativity train, and the more I thought about it, the more it came up EVERY time I got upset about anything. It was the easy solution. Then, it became something that I needed to justify at every turn. Bash Vandy every chance you get, it will help you see it's the wrong place for you! But it's not like that. I made that list of things I love, and I lay in bed each night and think of more things to add.
I can always change my mind later. I am making my decision based on the here-and-now, rather than on potentialities. And I'm so glad.
I am officially a Delta Gamma. We had inspiration and initiation this past week, and today we had a Founder's Day luncheon at the Hillwood Country Club with the Nashville alumnae. It was so fun and it made me really excited about all that is to come. Plus, chapter on Monday is going to be exciting, as we will be finding out about all the details of Saturday's FORMAL!
I made the mistake again on Thursday of eating a very early dinner, like early-bird-special early, and then drinking at 11:30 and getting absolutely way more shit-faced than ever before off of like 5 shots. I remember hardly anything and I woke up with one of the only two hangovers I've ever had. Let it suffice to say I wanted to die, but I worked out anyway after drinking about a gallon of water. Surprisingly, it made me feel much better to work out...until I got off the machine and my head started pounding again. So, I made the judgment call to skip the St. Patty's Day festivities and obviously tonight's as well. Good choice, good choice.
I still have not started studying for my tests, but I've had a lot of other stuff going on. Brittany has mono - and it looks like a worse case than Kelsey had. I took care of her and rented her movies and bought her Gatorade and soup and stuff, and then I woke up this morning to go to the country club and there were a bunch of notes paper-clipped together outside of my door along with the salt I'd let her borrow and her car keys. I FREAKED out. But, then I read the notes, and found out that her mom drove up in the middle of the night and she's staying with her in a hotel so she can get some good rest and be taken care of. She's going to the ER tomorrow because they think she has something else on top of mono. I parked her car for her over at the Loew's so she wouldn't get a ticket, and now I'm just sad. She wrote me one of the nicest letters I've ever received and it made me think of how I might die without her.
Anyhow, I still went on with the plans and went shopping all day at the outlets with Kara and Ima and spent a ton of money, but also got a lot of very basic, useful-for-life articles of clothing. I also tried on white jeans that looked pretty amazing on me, but I was told that white JEANS are taboo, so I reluctantly hung them back up and left them. I also fell in love with a pink skirt with green flamingo print on it, but could not justify spending $70 for Polo spring preppiness. I heart Polo outlets. Then we went and saw some of the other B2 girls and had dinner at Chili's. Now, here I am drinking Diet Coke in my polka dot pajamas and wondering why I freak out about things, when in all honesty, I should know that things have always worked out for me in the end.
I got hysterical on the phone with my mom on Thursday before initiation about transferring and decisions and I could not stop crying for the longest time, AND I used the f-word. She didn't say anything. But then I did some serious reflecting while working out, and I've been praying about it, and I talked to Brittany about it, and the right decision just came to me. I am going to stay here.
I remember doing research on colleges in 10th grade, far before most people even began to give a shit. I spent hours on collegeboard.com reading profiles and taking tests and comparing this and that. We even bought 2 giant college review books so that I could choose the "best" places for me to apply. Vanderbilt was never one of my interests. I applied last minute due to the fact that Mrs. Herbig and my parents loved the school and figured I would never get enough money to go anyway. Then I got the letter last March (A YEAR AGO THIS WEEKEND!) asking me to fly to Vanderbilt on an all expenses paid scholarship weekend. I bought preppy outfits and had many interviews and informational sessions, and I remember sitting in my hostess's room and crying to my mom saying, "I want this SO bad, I don't know what I'm going to do," and thinking that I'd messed up at the fancy dinner/not talked enough/been the one whose essays the interviewers were talking badly about. Then I got another letter as soon as I got home telling me I was getting 2 academic merit scholarships. I freaked out again, then had the Tulane v. Vanderbilt dilemma. I decided Tulane, found out over the phone while on spring break that the money wasn't going to be enough at Tulane, and so Vandy it was! I was so proud, so excited, and so scared. How would I survive with so many pretty, skinny, rich, intelligent girls to compete with every day? I still struggle with this one, but have acknowledged my tendency to forget everything I know is not a competitive issue and zero in on the best of the best and use that as my standard. Of course I'm going to feel like shit. But yes, there are plenty of not-so-cute people, people that aren't involved in anything on campus, that went to public school, that are awkward, etc. I'm still as normal as I thought I was in high school. I just had to realize it all over again.
My ultimate wishes for my collge: 6000-7000 kids, in the south, good name, small classes, good professors, greek life, student newspaper, small enough to walk everywhere, urban setting, out of state, somewhere where no one from high school went.
And guess what? I got all of those things. I just felt really lost without a "group" of friends and without ANYONE familiar to turn to EVER. I missed Jacob. I missed my family. I missed my friends. I missed Georgia. I missed Atlanta. I missed hip-hop music. I missed not having so many responsibilities. I thought everyone was having more fun than me, not struggling with anything. I thought it was a personal problem. So I threw myself into every situation I possibly could, even if it scared the living shit out of me. I couldn't bitch if I didn't try. I'm reporting and being aggressive with interviews (which still scares me, but I do it all week, every week), I'm in charge of the art shows, I am going to as many sorority things as I can, I'm applying for all the honor societies and groups I'm getting invited to join, I'm trying to meet as many new people as I can. And it's finally paying off. I've been paving my way this entire time, even though I was too blind to realize it before.
I'm going to graduate as a certified journalist without majoring in it, I'm going to get to study abroad (hopefully in Florence for the art history program), I'm going to intern in either NYC, San Francisco, or London for a semester, I'm going to stay and love it. Once I sat back, I realized that I'm usually always happy here, I just have these moments where something gets me and it gets me hard, and the first thing I think of is going home or getting back together with Jacob, but then once I'm happy again, I realize that's not what I want, it's just what's the most comforting when I'm down. Don't get me wrong, there's still plenty of things I don't like about the school, but I re-evaluated my priorities and realized that yes, the schoolwork here pretty much kills me and no matter how hard I work, I will not be an A student all the time. But I NEED it to be hard. I need everyone around me to be smart, to care about school as much as me, to respect me when I say I don't want to go out on the weekends because I need to study. I want school to be the norm, not drinking. But I love that I always have plenty of people to go out and get drunk with anytime I want.
I'm rooming with Kara next year. I love her to death. We're getting a room next to Rachel and Lindsey. We're going to live in North on Peabody with the rest of the sophomores (instead of being scattered across campus like this year). They have cars. I have a plan. I'm happy. I'm excited. I'm going to miss Brittany so much though.
I think what did it for me was that anger and sadness at being home those 2 days at the end of spring break. I accidentally told my mom I hated coming home. She looked so crushed. I didn't mean it like I hated being with them, but I decided I love our relationships more from a distance. We're better over the phone and in e-mail. I like being away. I like not having to compare life now to life then. I like being on my own. I think if I hadn't gone home, it never would've clicked for me that things will never be the same, so why not be happy where I am? I was happy to be back at school for the first time, and even though I was dreading it as we pulled up, I jumped on everyone I saw and was happy to see people.
The idea of transferring would never have entered my mind except for the fact that so many people on my hall, and especially Brittany, were talking about it and it got me a little shaken up. I got stuck on the negativity train, and the more I thought about it, the more it came up EVERY time I got upset about anything. It was the easy solution. Then, it became something that I needed to justify at every turn. Bash Vandy every chance you get, it will help you see it's the wrong place for you! But it's not like that. I made that list of things I love, and I lay in bed each night and think of more things to add.
I can always change my mind later. I am making my decision based on the here-and-now, rather than on potentialities. And I'm so glad.