sometimes it makes me cry
It's a little crazy how much I go up and down. I need to learn to stop worrying about things that are so far in the future and also to take things in perspective. My life is awesome and I need to stop letting little things get me SO down. Tonight was an upper if you couldn't tell.
Carrie's post inspired me, as did a new posting of facebook pictures from my birthday celebration. I'm trying to take in as much of Vanderbilt as I can while I'm here. I might still be here next fall. Who knows. At this point, there's plenty of things I love that make things fun, but I see a future somewhere else. In my head, I envision myself walking across the stage at commencement and receiving a Vanderbilt degree, but then I think of how I am one of the few here who went to public school and how I still ended up here. I still get caught up in the name and also the already-formed memories, but I know I will be fine here or there, and I see "there" as being a better option for me in many ways, as well as infinitely easier for my family.
Skiing, as previously mentioned, was awesome. Then I flew into Atlanta and my parents picked me up at the airport. I thought things would be so awesome and that people would bend over backwards to make me have a good time since I was coming home when I didn't have to. I was disappointed that we didn't have dinner together...didn't really do anything together. My brother is cool now. He has hilarious friends, he's going out with girls, he's tan, he has his own car, and he wears better clothes than me. I'm proud to say he's my brother, but I feel absent from his life and wish we had a closer relationship. My dad plays tennis all the time and had a match scheduled for Friday night when I was home, so I didn't see him until late, then he worked the rest of the weekend. My mom just seems so run-down all the time. She works too much, she doesn't work out, and she's somewhat at a loss as to what else to do with herself now that her kids are essentially gone. I feel bad for her, but I also feel a little bit angry. I just want her to go have friends and do things and be happy without me, and maybe she is, but I get this irritated feeling when I think about it all. I can't really explain it, I'm just so different from her, yet so similar.
I guess I just wanted to go home to my old room but I have only the room I got moved to, which is starting to feel familiar, but familiar in the way a hotel gets familiar for a weekend. It has that temporary feeling still. I wanted to eat one of the meals we always eat and I wanted it to be all four of us. I wanted us all to go to church together. I wanted us to play games together and watch a movie. We didn't do any of that. I know I can't make anyone do anything, but it's hard. I like to have control of everything.
I went shopping all day for a formal dress and shoes with my mom at Lennox and we ran into a lot of Vandy people. We had dinner at an Italian place in downtown Norcross and I cried the whole time, as usual. I relate better to my dad, but I feel like I can tell my mom everything, so I'm always in a sort of strange position. I could never tell my dad if I were having wild sex or something like that, but if I could, he would understand right away. I have more Tyrrell in me. But, with the Tyrrell side comes the Catholic/moralistic side. My mom is more of a free-spirit, but she doesn't understand things right away like I want her to, and I get tired of doing pre-explaining.
I asked Henry to my formal. He's going. He's excited. I'm excited. It's on the 25th.
I got inducted into 2 honor societies tonight and it felt a little bit like high school on crack. I have Hustler meetings, art class, inspiration, and sorority induction this week. I also have 4 tests and a paper to write, but it's St. Patty's day weekend, and I'm Irish, and I'm getting crunk. Fuck priorities.
I am in love with Augustana and The Fray. I was upset when they were playing The Fray on Star94 when I was home. They're going to ruin them and middle-schoolers will listen to them. Maybe they already do. I'm so detached here. That's something that will not change over 4 years. This is boarding school on ecstasy. Everything is just a hyped up version of high school. Not more mature, just more expensive and crazy.
This is my life. I do what I want, bitch! I need to use this as my mantra and stop having a cow about everything.
Things I love about Vanderbilt:
The B2 girls, Kelly, Alexandra, Brittany, Jillian, Laura McLean, Laura Stover, Lauren Alterman, my DG girls, the 1st floor boys
Provence being on the meal plan
Anthropology and looking at fossils and talking about bonobo sex at 9 am.
The top floor of Peabody library
Walking ANYWHERE on campus - it's gorgeous
Working in The Hustler office
Installing the art shows
Tanning in the quad
The Med Plate
Sex talks with Jildo
Eating at Grin's with B2
Art class with Lelia
Having intellectual discussions
Going downtown to the bars and getting handed roses my men on the street
Staying up late and watching movies and drinking beer with the 1st floor
Going to strip clubs with the 1st floor
Munchie mart runs and Vandy Van rides
Working out in the hallway
Midnight dance-offs
Tortellini Tuesday
Target runs
Wildhorse
The plethora of Polo, Coach, Chanel, Douney and Bourke, Louis Vuitton, Lacoste, and Lily
Wireless in Wilson
Studying in the baseball glove lounge
the walk to Peabody
Movies in Sarratt
The Lecture series
Basketball games
Partying on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays
Bar Car, Mystic, Lonnie's
Cafe Coco and scoping out the emo boys
Dance parties at Pike
Fraternity parties in general when you know people
The Smoothie and Powerbar diet
DG stuff
Shacking in lofted beds
all-nighters and chai tea lattes
Robert Goulet
Eating out. All the time.
Wilskills
Going to the hospital and having hot doctors
Random hookups
SuDoku and the crosswords on MWF
Staying up and talking all night with the Reinke girls
Giant apples in VB
Lugging my laundry to VB and writing letters while I'm waiting
The monkeys in Wilson
Naps and skipping dumb classes
A million other things
Okay, so I like a lot of things here. Everything is fine. I just feel like it's not quite real life, and I want it to be real life. Maybe I'll reflect in a bit and realize this is it and it's what I want, but now it's not enough.
Carrie's post inspired me, as did a new posting of facebook pictures from my birthday celebration. I'm trying to take in as much of Vanderbilt as I can while I'm here. I might still be here next fall. Who knows. At this point, there's plenty of things I love that make things fun, but I see a future somewhere else. In my head, I envision myself walking across the stage at commencement and receiving a Vanderbilt degree, but then I think of how I am one of the few here who went to public school and how I still ended up here. I still get caught up in the name and also the already-formed memories, but I know I will be fine here or there, and I see "there" as being a better option for me in many ways, as well as infinitely easier for my family.
Skiing, as previously mentioned, was awesome. Then I flew into Atlanta and my parents picked me up at the airport. I thought things would be so awesome and that people would bend over backwards to make me have a good time since I was coming home when I didn't have to. I was disappointed that we didn't have dinner together...didn't really do anything together. My brother is cool now. He has hilarious friends, he's going out with girls, he's tan, he has his own car, and he wears better clothes than me. I'm proud to say he's my brother, but I feel absent from his life and wish we had a closer relationship. My dad plays tennis all the time and had a match scheduled for Friday night when I was home, so I didn't see him until late, then he worked the rest of the weekend. My mom just seems so run-down all the time. She works too much, she doesn't work out, and she's somewhat at a loss as to what else to do with herself now that her kids are essentially gone. I feel bad for her, but I also feel a little bit angry. I just want her to go have friends and do things and be happy without me, and maybe she is, but I get this irritated feeling when I think about it all. I can't really explain it, I'm just so different from her, yet so similar.
I guess I just wanted to go home to my old room but I have only the room I got moved to, which is starting to feel familiar, but familiar in the way a hotel gets familiar for a weekend. It has that temporary feeling still. I wanted to eat one of the meals we always eat and I wanted it to be all four of us. I wanted us all to go to church together. I wanted us to play games together and watch a movie. We didn't do any of that. I know I can't make anyone do anything, but it's hard. I like to have control of everything.
I went shopping all day for a formal dress and shoes with my mom at Lennox and we ran into a lot of Vandy people. We had dinner at an Italian place in downtown Norcross and I cried the whole time, as usual. I relate better to my dad, but I feel like I can tell my mom everything, so I'm always in a sort of strange position. I could never tell my dad if I were having wild sex or something like that, but if I could, he would understand right away. I have more Tyrrell in me. But, with the Tyrrell side comes the Catholic/moralistic side. My mom is more of a free-spirit, but she doesn't understand things right away like I want her to, and I get tired of doing pre-explaining.
I asked Henry to my formal. He's going. He's excited. I'm excited. It's on the 25th.
I got inducted into 2 honor societies tonight and it felt a little bit like high school on crack. I have Hustler meetings, art class, inspiration, and sorority induction this week. I also have 4 tests and a paper to write, but it's St. Patty's day weekend, and I'm Irish, and I'm getting crunk. Fuck priorities.
I am in love with Augustana and The Fray. I was upset when they were playing The Fray on Star94 when I was home. They're going to ruin them and middle-schoolers will listen to them. Maybe they already do. I'm so detached here. That's something that will not change over 4 years. This is boarding school on ecstasy. Everything is just a hyped up version of high school. Not more mature, just more expensive and crazy.
This is my life. I do what I want, bitch! I need to use this as my mantra and stop having a cow about everything.
Things I love about Vanderbilt:
The B2 girls, Kelly, Alexandra, Brittany, Jillian, Laura McLean, Laura Stover, Lauren Alterman, my DG girls, the 1st floor boys
Provence being on the meal plan
Anthropology and looking at fossils and talking about bonobo sex at 9 am.
The top floor of Peabody library
Walking ANYWHERE on campus - it's gorgeous
Working in The Hustler office
Installing the art shows
Tanning in the quad
The Med Plate
Sex talks with Jildo
Eating at Grin's with B2
Art class with Lelia
Having intellectual discussions
Going downtown to the bars and getting handed roses my men on the street
Staying up late and watching movies and drinking beer with the 1st floor
Going to strip clubs with the 1st floor
Munchie mart runs and Vandy Van rides
Working out in the hallway
Midnight dance-offs
Tortellini Tuesday
Target runs
Wildhorse
The plethora of Polo, Coach, Chanel, Douney and Bourke, Louis Vuitton, Lacoste, and Lily
Wireless in Wilson
Studying in the baseball glove lounge
the walk to Peabody
Movies in Sarratt
The Lecture series
Basketball games
Partying on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays
Bar Car, Mystic, Lonnie's
Cafe Coco and scoping out the emo boys
Dance parties at Pike
Fraternity parties in general when you know people
The Smoothie and Powerbar diet
DG stuff
Shacking in lofted beds
all-nighters and chai tea lattes
Robert Goulet
Eating out. All the time.
Wilskills
Going to the hospital and having hot doctors
Random hookups
SuDoku and the crosswords on MWF
Staying up and talking all night with the Reinke girls
Giant apples in VB
Lugging my laundry to VB and writing letters while I'm waiting
The monkeys in Wilson
Naps and skipping dumb classes
A million other things
Okay, so I like a lot of things here. Everything is fine. I just feel like it's not quite real life, and I want it to be real life. Maybe I'll reflect in a bit and realize this is it and it's what I want, but now it's not enough.