[ solitude ]
there are so many things that could be said, so many fears and worries that have been bred from past actions, reactions, things that have no reason behind them yet still happened. so many things that keep her up late at night, tossing and turning, images burned behind her closed eyes. things that she knows could happen, would happen, will happen. things that have happened and will never be taken back, no matter how much one wants them to be. reasons that she reacted the way she did, all the horrible things she inflicted upon herself in the vain hopes that she would be able to get away from the truth of it all. things that she can't dare turn back to now for the risk of losing everything she's worked so hard to accomplish this far. but sometimes she can't help but let the memories surge up, can't help but fear that black void of what if's that could happen at any point in time. she can't help but be a little sad that things turned out the way they did, the fact that she is a completely different person now than she was three years ago.
who are we hiding behind closed eyes? what secrets lay behind that cool, calm facade, that mask we put up in front of everyone. who are we? demons in our own settings, the lies we tell ourselves to make us feel better about all the sins we create in everyday life. nothing is safe when it comes to the reality that we can put up around us, the way its so easy to lie about how everything can be perfect and whole. when its really not. when our world is crumbling down around us. when we self-mutilate ourselves through pain or drugs or drinking just to get away from that truth, from that hate and fear that is bred from the fact that nothing is stable for us. who are we? everyone is a lie. everyone. its just a matter of what kind of lie we are. and thats the scariest bit of truth we can offer someone.
always. always. always.
she enjoys holding onto that darker emotion, it keeps things clearer for her, makes them painfully sharp. it doesn't dull her thoughts down to pretty and shiny things. it keeps her focused that nothing in this world is truly sacred, or safe. everything will break down on you. nothing in life is perfect. everything can be broken. everything. that most sacred thing to you can falla part with a mere whisper. life fluctuates on what can be so readily broken. it tears you down, eats away at you from the inside. it will break you down. if it can't break you down, it kills you. it doesn't matter what it is. it doesn't matter who you are. you will become victim to this. and this darker emotion keeps her constantly aware of it, it keeps the false hope at bay most of the time. it's all she can do to survive.
who are we hiding behind closed eyes? what secrets lay behind that cool, calm facade, that mask we put up in front of everyone. who are we? demons in our own settings, the lies we tell ourselves to make us feel better about all the sins we create in everyday life. nothing is safe when it comes to the reality that we can put up around us, the way its so easy to lie about how everything can be perfect and whole. when its really not. when our world is crumbling down around us. when we self-mutilate ourselves through pain or drugs or drinking just to get away from that truth, from that hate and fear that is bred from the fact that nothing is stable for us. who are we? everyone is a lie. everyone. its just a matter of what kind of lie we are. and thats the scariest bit of truth we can offer someone.
always. always. always.
she enjoys holding onto that darker emotion, it keeps things clearer for her, makes them painfully sharp. it doesn't dull her thoughts down to pretty and shiny things. it keeps her focused that nothing in this world is truly sacred, or safe. everything will break down on you. nothing in life is perfect. everything can be broken. everything. that most sacred thing to you can falla part with a mere whisper. life fluctuates on what can be so readily broken. it tears you down, eats away at you from the inside. it will break you down. if it can't break you down, it kills you. it doesn't matter what it is. it doesn't matter who you are. you will become victim to this. and this darker emotion keeps her constantly aware of it, it keeps the false hope at bay most of the time. it's all she can do to survive.