Fic: The Tea Party Reverie
Title: The Tea Party Reverie
Author: she_burns1
Pairing: Sheldon/Penny
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,407
Summary: Penny has a very curious dream.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The plot is all mine. No copyright infringement is intended. I, in particular, do not own ‘Alice in Wonderland’, which was written by Lewis Carroll. But I do love it with a level of love that is frightening.
Spoilers: A bit for 3.15, 'The Large Hadron Collision'
Author's Notes: Crack!fic, this is...very, very strange. But whipped up just in time for VDay! I took quite a bit from the book (some lines are right outta there) and a bit of ideas from the Syfy TV movie, so you have been warned. I would also like to thank this wiki article, which I basically ganked in order to explain the whole she-bang about pearls - I have no real intelligence, what, are you kidding? I don't think this idea has been done before and I sincerely hope not, because I like to pretend I'm creative and come up with crazy AUs/Crack!fic that will excite people...but you never know...
There was a table set out under a tree in front of a tiny house. The table was large and circular and yet only two people sat at it.
At one end was a woman, her blonde hair brushed back and held in place with a black headband. She wore a light blue dress and shiny black shoes and her arms were crossed, green eyes glittering with contempt.
At the other end sat a tall, lanky man with brown hair and sharp blue eyes. He wore a tan top hat and tan leather coat (which had a begonia and an ace of spades card rested firmly in the top pocket) with a burgundy shirt beneath, his trousers were also tan and they were finely striped the same color as his shirt.
He brushed his hands over the smooth, crisp white tablecloth between them and, eyeing the pot of tea before him, he poured himself a steaming hot cup, his voice dry, "I do not see why you should take offense. It was a simple suggestion."
The woman, who had her own cup of tea cooling before her, scowled, "You know quite well why I'm upset! It's very rude, you know! You should learn not to make personal remarks!"
He shrugged, the motion fluid, "Would it be better if I told you I simply do not care?"
"No, it would not."
He cleared his throat, "We could change the topic...if you like."
She shifted in her seat, "What would we change it to?"
"Well, you could tell me your name for starters," he offered as he raised a silver spoon and set it in his tea, twirling it about, "After all, I told you there was no room-"
"There's plenty of room!" she cried.
He ignored her interruption, continuing, "-and it wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited. Not to mention how inappropriate it was to do so without introducing yourself first."
"You know who I am," she huffed.
"Maybe I do. You're the Queen of Hearts, yes?"
"No."
"The Duchess?"
"No!"
"Well, you can't be Alice...the Mock Turtle, perhaps?"
"I'm Penny, dammit!" she cursed, her fist smacking the table hard, upsetting all the china (and they cried a little, poor things, before settling down), and she pointed at him, "And you're Sheldon!"
"I'm the Hatter, and I would prefer to be called as such-"
"I'll be calling you Sheldon."
"Fair enough, may I call you Gorilla? I mean, if we are allowed to call each other whatever we would like?"
She let out a frustrated grunt and, watching him continually stir his tea, she snapped, "Are you going to drink it any time soon? Or stir it until it evaporates?"
"I might just do whatever I like with it. It is my tea, after all," he replied, "Regardless, I find it best to stir relaxation up a bit before drinking. Then letting it settle five minutes. Doing so makes it taste sweeter and go down easier."
Penny raised an eyebrow, "Relaxation?"
Sheldon the Hatter nodded and she laughed, her voice thick with disbelief, "You're telling me you're drinking relaxation?!"
"I am, and if your attitude suggests anything, you're drinking a steaming hot cup of discourteous."
"I haven't even drank my tea," she muttered, and she looked down at the light, lavender liquid in her cup with worry, "Is it...really an emotion in there?"
"Well, what do you think tea is made of?" Sheldon the Hatter asked with a slight chuckle, "It's not bread and butter, obviously - those are made from neutrons and electrons and you can put them together and take them apart and some times I do so love a nice string theory salad with my first morning cup of intelligence."
"You drink intelligence?"
"Always," Sheldon the Hatter said, as if that was a silly question to ask, "Would you like a bite to eat with your tea? I think I may have some physics crisps laying about."
"No, thank you," she said politely and she found herself, oddly and suddenly, rather calm as she picked up her tea. She was about to take a sip when Sheldon the Hatter cleared his throat again, and she drew away from her cup, eyes narrowed, "What?"
"You should really stir that a few times. Twenty six, to be precise," he remarked knowledgably, "First clockwise and then counter clockwise, making it fifty-two all together, though then I'd recommend another round of four for each turn so you'd have an extra eight and then arrive at a nice, even sixty turns of the spoon all together. That'll make your tea quite tasty."
"You want me to stir my tea sixty times before I drink it?"
"In the proper directions, yes."
"You're mad."
"I was tested for that."
Penny sighed, suddenly exhausted as she sat down her cup without drinking it. Sheldon the Hatter, who had sipped his tea, relaxed and offered, "I know. We could play a game."
"Rock-paper-lizard-spock?"
"I was thinking riddles, but ravens and writing desks can always wait in the face of Spock."
Penny let out a noisy breath through her nose and snuggled back deep into the arm chair where she sat, "I think I'll pass."
"We should really move down," he noted disdainfully, "You are in my spot."
"I'm not moving," she said firmly.
Sheldon the Hatter let out a huff and shook his head, "Take some more tea."
"I've had nothing yet, so I can't take more."
"You mean you can't take less, it's very easy to take more than nothing."
"I don't care to hear your opinion on the matter." said Penny.
"Who's making personal remarks now?" Sheldon the Hatter asked triumphantly.
Penny did not quite know what to say to this: so she scooted closer to the table and eyed her tea again. She wasn't quite sure what emotion rested in the cup, and this made her leery. But then she reminded herself that there was no way an emotion could be in a cup and she helped herself.
Sheldon the Hatter picked up his napkin and dabbed at each corner of his mouth, his movements lazy, as relaxation settled well into his limbs. He regarded her with great curiosity now, "So...what of it?"
"What of what?" Penny breathed, her heart racing and she couldn't help but wonder if it wasn't from what she drank.
"My earlier proposal, the one you took such a heated turn to."
Penny sighed and her hands twisted in her lap as she chewed on her lower lip, "I just...I told you...it's personal."
"Well, as I said, I don't really care, so-"
"Bull," she muttered, "If you didn't care, you wouldn't have even made the suggestion. You would have kept your big yapper shut."
"Lovely language."
She looked at him cattily, "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! How I wonder what you're at! Up above the world you fly, like a tea-tray in the sky-"
"Yes, yes, yes," he waved a hand impatiently, "Okay, all right, I suppose I do care a little. After all, time is precious, best not to waste time or kill time or time might get mad and talk to the Queen, and the last thing I need is her jumping up and down and bawling, "He's murdering the time! Off with his head!""
Penny looked a little chagrined and took a deeper sip of her tea before offering quietly, "I didn't mean to push you into a corner."
"You're not pushing me. You're on the other far side of the table. To push me, you'd have to be over here - not over there," Sheldon the Hatter shook his head, "No, no, no there is no pushing save for my bit of pushing towards you. Not physically, mind, but mentally, you see, I do push because I feel you should really own up to the facts on the plate before you...or, oh, wait, oh no, oh dear, here..."
Sheldon the Hatter clapped his hands and suddenly a cat appeared. It was strangely colored and striped and its' grin was so large it frightened Penny. It carried a tray on its' back and somehow, with its' tail, it deposited the tray in front of her before disappearing as quick as it came.
Penny, who had had a hand pressed to her heart the moment the cat arrived, found her hand slowly lowering to the tray and drawing the lid back. Beneath rested a silver plate and resting on top of it was a pocket watch, a picture of Leonard, a bowl full of rainbow colored mushrooms and pills, a cake that had 'Eat Me' written on it, and a small blue bottled marked 'Poison' that had a tag reading 'Drink Me'.
"Now, see? That is your plate."
Penny looked at him and then back at the plate again and suddenly she noticed that her name was actually engraved on the plate. Sheldon the Hatter spoke up, "Now, in regards to the items on your plate, which do you think out of these items is the worst for you?"
Penny moaned and ran her hands over her face, "Sheldon...okay, I take it back, I don't want to talk about this."
Sheldon the Hatter ignored her, as was his want to do, "Most naturally, you would gravitate to the bottle or perhaps the bowl. Maybe even the watch, as time is everyone's enemy in his own way, but I really think you ought to consider the photograph which, if you recall, was my earlier suggestion."
Penny picked up the photo of Leonard and sighed, "You think I should break up with him."
"No, you think that," he returned, taking another sip of his tea, "This is in your head after all."
Penny blinked, "What?"
"Do you think this my Wonderland?"
"And you think its mine?!" she jeered.
He merely shrugged again, then, finishing off his tea, he pushed his cup away, "My Wonderland would have more shapes and numbers and science in the fluid shape of a woman-"
"Kinky."
"You might be there as well," he added lightly beneath his breath, "But that seems unlikely given the plate before you."
Penny's head fell back against the chair as she looked at the photo again, "He's...he's not a bad boyfriend."
"He left you alone," Sheldon the Hatter said crisply, "Today of all days, he left you alone with me."
"It couldn't be helped."
"It could. He was stubborn. As stubborn as an oyster that doesn't want to be opened."
"Oysters have pearls inside."
"That one," he pointed at the photo she held, "Does not. At least, not for you. And do you know how natural pearls are made or thought to be made? They form under a set of accidental conditions, in which a microscopic intruder or parasite enters a bivalve mollusk, and settles inside the shell. The mollusk, being irritated by the intruder, forms a pearl sac of external mantle tissue cells and secretes the calcium carbonate and conchiolin to cover the irritant. This secretion process is repeated many times, thus producing a pearl."
Penny blinked, "Well that was...informative."
"Quite."
He didn't continue and Penny thought he was done until he started again, voice just as lecturing as before, "And natural pearls come in many shapes, with perfectly round ones being comparatively rare, so, the long and short of it is, that that oyster," he pointed at the picture once more, "Has no pearl for you and even if he did it would not be ready or round - it would be a disformed lump of sewage."
"Nice," she muttered, putting aside the picture and crossing her arms once again.
"It is, isn't it?"
"Sarcasm, Hat Boy."
"It's Hatter," he sighed, "And there's no point in being pedantically childish about it. You two are an improper fit and that's hardly my fault."
"So you're saying it's mine?"
"No. I'm saying it's no one's and you know how he can be," Sheldon the Hatter shook his head and picked up his tea cup, staring into its' empty bottom, "No, no, I'm just...helping you reach your own conclusions in this affair."
Penny, not really wanting to talk about Leonard and the state of their relationship, picked up one of the mushrooms. It looked a bit like chalk and was a soft pink, she turned it this way and that, "Will this make me grow larger or smaller?"
"It may, or maybe the pills do that, or the bottle, or the cake, it's difficult to say."
"The bottle says 'poison' on it, so, I won't be drinking that."
"A wise decision."
"Thank you. I am capable of those."
"And yet you stick with your stubborn, pearl-less oyster."
Penny tossed the mushroom back into the bowl and rested her arms on the table in a huff, "What would you have me do then, huh? Dump Leonard the day after Valentine's?"
"It is Valentine's, isn't it," Sheldon the Hatter said dreamily, "Surprised it hasn't-" he stopped abruptly, head cocking to one side as thunder rumbled above, followed by a flash of lightning, "Ah, there it is," he looked at the pocket watch that had been on Penny's plate but was now miraculously in his hands, "Right on time."
Penny looked up and it started to rain, or to snow, or...it was hard to say. But pink and red and white little hearts began to float down from the sky. They were no more substantial than bubbles. The moment they reached her they fizzled out or popped and she couldn't help but giggle giddily, a big smile on her face as she held out her hands, head thrown back in wonder as the hearts poured down.
One landed in her hand and she watched it delicately dissolve into nothing. Her face grew serious and she looked at the picture of Leonard once more. She sighed and turned the picture over, her voice so quiet, she thought Sheldon couldn't possibly hear it, "Maybe you're right."
"No, maybe you are right," Sheldon the Hatter remarked loud and clear, "This is in your head. This is your Wonderland."
She looked at him then, looked at Sheldon, her head cocked to one side, "Well then, if this is my Wonderland. Why are you here?"
"You were expecting the Dormouse, maybe? The March Hare?"
"Who? Raj and Howard? No, no, no....but...you?"
Sheldon the Hatter was now the one to cross his arms and Penny felt a little bad at the idea of hurting his feelings, still, "I mean, just seems someone else should be sitting in your seat. Like...I don't know...Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp or something..."
He didn't answer with words, but instead took off his top hat smoothly and she watched, with fascination, as he made the brim dance along his fingertips. It moved there, balanced so precariously on those long, tapered fingers, rolling this way and that, then it moved up his arm and he grabbed it with his other hand before tossing it high in the air.
Penny watched it soar, up and up and up and up, up until it was out of sight. She looked at him and he winked and the hat fell right back down on top of his head, landing perfectly. Penny sat back, stunned and Sheldon chuckled, "With physics, anything is possible."
Penny blinked and shook her head and she picked up her tea, finishing it off in one big gulp, before pushing it and her plate far away from her, "This can't be real."
"It isn't. I thought we had all ready closed that topic and moved on to another?"
The heart rain or snow or what-have-you had stopped and Penny ran a hand along the soft, silk of her blue dress, her voice unsteady, "I feel strange."
"Do you?"
"I feel...what did I drink?" Penny shot a hand forward and snatched up the bottle from the plate quickly, thrusting it in his direction, "Was it poison?"
"No," he drew the word out slowly, "But what you drank does say a lot about me and you and your Wonderland on this day of Valentine's."
Penny sat back in her chair and she turned her eyes to her cup. Right there, along the lip of the cup, in the finest, tiniest print was gold lettering that read, 'desire'. Penny was so startled she wanted to laugh but instead managed a choking cough, her head shaking, "You're saying I drank desire? You're saying you're here because..."
Her words died in her throat the minute she looked up at him. Penny licked her lips, heat coursing through her, as Sheldon the Hatter looked at her, eyes narrowed, face hungry. He was no longer relaxed. Not an inch. His long fingers went to either side of the table and with one quick, fluid motion he tossed the whole table aside, leaving nothing between them.
There was a loud crash - china falling, the items on her plate tumbling away, and she still held the bottle of poison as he rose to his feet. Rose and rose and she had never noticed he was so tall and he walked over to her, stood in front of her, inches away as he held out his hand.
Penny looked at Sheldon's hand, dumbfounded and she took it slowly, she stood in front of him, and, regarding the bottle she held, she gently removed the 'drink me' tag. She tossed the bottle away and somehow, in some way, the ribbon about the tag began to expand, growing larger and larger and suddenly Penny knew what to do.
She reached up a shaky hand and took hold of Sheldon's top hat. She drew it off and then, with a little help from him, looped the ribbon about his head, until the 'drink me' tag rested around his neck. Penny lowered the hat upon his head again and he stood there before her, Sheldon the Mad Hatter, with a tag around his neck, a tag resting on his chest that said...
"Drink me," he whispered and Penny shivered as his arms came around her, and her head tilted to one side, her lips meeting his and he tasted warm and sweet and of relaxed tea.
88888888888
Penny sat up with a startled gasp. She looked around with great alarm and slowly realized she was at Leonard and Sheldon's apartment. She let out something between a cough and sneeze, something she liked to call a 'snuffle', and slowly realized exactly what had happened.
It was still Valentine's day, she was still sick, and she had fallen asleep on Leonard and Sheldon's couch. She blinked, eyes aching, and turned to see Sheldon too was fast asleep on his side of the couch, nestled deep in his own blankets.
She looked at him and licked her lips, shaking her head. What a curious dream. She lay back on the couch, tightening her blankets around her and wondered why she had dreamed 'Alice in Wonderland' of all things and why...
Drink me.
Penny felt herself shiver again with heat and she looked at Sheldon once more. When he wasn't talking, when he wasn't being Sheldon, when he was asleep, he actually looked rather...
She imagined him with the top hat and the coat and she could still feel his imaginary lips on hers. So dreamlike, and yet so...
Penny sighed and shook her head, regarding him with a little smile as she whispered, "Happy Valentine's Day."
Author: she_burns1
Pairing: Sheldon/Penny
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,407
Summary: Penny has a very curious dream.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The plot is all mine. No copyright infringement is intended. I, in particular, do not own ‘Alice in Wonderland’, which was written by Lewis Carroll. But I do love it with a level of love that is frightening.
Spoilers: A bit for 3.15, 'The Large Hadron Collision'
Author's Notes: Crack!fic, this is...very, very strange. But whipped up just in time for VDay! I took quite a bit from the book (some lines are right outta there) and a bit of ideas from the Syfy TV movie, so you have been warned. I would also like to thank this wiki article, which I basically ganked in order to explain the whole she-bang about pearls - I have no real intelligence, what, are you kidding? I don't think this idea has been done before and I sincerely hope not, because I like to pretend I'm creative and come up with crazy AUs/Crack!fic that will excite people...but you never know...
There was a table set out under a tree in front of a tiny house. The table was large and circular and yet only two people sat at it.
At one end was a woman, her blonde hair brushed back and held in place with a black headband. She wore a light blue dress and shiny black shoes and her arms were crossed, green eyes glittering with contempt.
At the other end sat a tall, lanky man with brown hair and sharp blue eyes. He wore a tan top hat and tan leather coat (which had a begonia and an ace of spades card rested firmly in the top pocket) with a burgundy shirt beneath, his trousers were also tan and they were finely striped the same color as his shirt.
He brushed his hands over the smooth, crisp white tablecloth between them and, eyeing the pot of tea before him, he poured himself a steaming hot cup, his voice dry, "I do not see why you should take offense. It was a simple suggestion."
The woman, who had her own cup of tea cooling before her, scowled, "You know quite well why I'm upset! It's very rude, you know! You should learn not to make personal remarks!"
He shrugged, the motion fluid, "Would it be better if I told you I simply do not care?"
"No, it would not."
He cleared his throat, "We could change the topic...if you like."
She shifted in her seat, "What would we change it to?"
"Well, you could tell me your name for starters," he offered as he raised a silver spoon and set it in his tea, twirling it about, "After all, I told you there was no room-"
"There's plenty of room!" she cried.
He ignored her interruption, continuing, "-and it wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited. Not to mention how inappropriate it was to do so without introducing yourself first."
"You know who I am," she huffed.
"Maybe I do. You're the Queen of Hearts, yes?"
"No."
"The Duchess?"
"No!"
"Well, you can't be Alice...the Mock Turtle, perhaps?"
"I'm Penny, dammit!" she cursed, her fist smacking the table hard, upsetting all the china (and they cried a little, poor things, before settling down), and she pointed at him, "And you're Sheldon!"
"I'm the Hatter, and I would prefer to be called as such-"
"I'll be calling you Sheldon."
"Fair enough, may I call you Gorilla? I mean, if we are allowed to call each other whatever we would like?"
She let out a frustrated grunt and, watching him continually stir his tea, she snapped, "Are you going to drink it any time soon? Or stir it until it evaporates?"
"I might just do whatever I like with it. It is my tea, after all," he replied, "Regardless, I find it best to stir relaxation up a bit before drinking. Then letting it settle five minutes. Doing so makes it taste sweeter and go down easier."
Penny raised an eyebrow, "Relaxation?"
Sheldon the Hatter nodded and she laughed, her voice thick with disbelief, "You're telling me you're drinking relaxation?!"
"I am, and if your attitude suggests anything, you're drinking a steaming hot cup of discourteous."
"I haven't even drank my tea," she muttered, and she looked down at the light, lavender liquid in her cup with worry, "Is it...really an emotion in there?"
"Well, what do you think tea is made of?" Sheldon the Hatter asked with a slight chuckle, "It's not bread and butter, obviously - those are made from neutrons and electrons and you can put them together and take them apart and some times I do so love a nice string theory salad with my first morning cup of intelligence."
"You drink intelligence?"
"Always," Sheldon the Hatter said, as if that was a silly question to ask, "Would you like a bite to eat with your tea? I think I may have some physics crisps laying about."
"No, thank you," she said politely and she found herself, oddly and suddenly, rather calm as she picked up her tea. She was about to take a sip when Sheldon the Hatter cleared his throat again, and she drew away from her cup, eyes narrowed, "What?"
"You should really stir that a few times. Twenty six, to be precise," he remarked knowledgably, "First clockwise and then counter clockwise, making it fifty-two all together, though then I'd recommend another round of four for each turn so you'd have an extra eight and then arrive at a nice, even sixty turns of the spoon all together. That'll make your tea quite tasty."
"You want me to stir my tea sixty times before I drink it?"
"In the proper directions, yes."
"You're mad."
"I was tested for that."
Penny sighed, suddenly exhausted as she sat down her cup without drinking it. Sheldon the Hatter, who had sipped his tea, relaxed and offered, "I know. We could play a game."
"Rock-paper-lizard-spock?"
"I was thinking riddles, but ravens and writing desks can always wait in the face of Spock."
Penny let out a noisy breath through her nose and snuggled back deep into the arm chair where she sat, "I think I'll pass."
"We should really move down," he noted disdainfully, "You are in my spot."
"I'm not moving," she said firmly.
Sheldon the Hatter let out a huff and shook his head, "Take some more tea."
"I've had nothing yet, so I can't take more."
"You mean you can't take less, it's very easy to take more than nothing."
"I don't care to hear your opinion on the matter." said Penny.
"Who's making personal remarks now?" Sheldon the Hatter asked triumphantly.
Penny did not quite know what to say to this: so she scooted closer to the table and eyed her tea again. She wasn't quite sure what emotion rested in the cup, and this made her leery. But then she reminded herself that there was no way an emotion could be in a cup and she helped herself.
Sheldon the Hatter picked up his napkin and dabbed at each corner of his mouth, his movements lazy, as relaxation settled well into his limbs. He regarded her with great curiosity now, "So...what of it?"
"What of what?" Penny breathed, her heart racing and she couldn't help but wonder if it wasn't from what she drank.
"My earlier proposal, the one you took such a heated turn to."
Penny sighed and her hands twisted in her lap as she chewed on her lower lip, "I just...I told you...it's personal."
"Well, as I said, I don't really care, so-"
"Bull," she muttered, "If you didn't care, you wouldn't have even made the suggestion. You would have kept your big yapper shut."
"Lovely language."
She looked at him cattily, "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! How I wonder what you're at! Up above the world you fly, like a tea-tray in the sky-"
"Yes, yes, yes," he waved a hand impatiently, "Okay, all right, I suppose I do care a little. After all, time is precious, best not to waste time or kill time or time might get mad and talk to the Queen, and the last thing I need is her jumping up and down and bawling, "He's murdering the time! Off with his head!""
Penny looked a little chagrined and took a deeper sip of her tea before offering quietly, "I didn't mean to push you into a corner."
"You're not pushing me. You're on the other far side of the table. To push me, you'd have to be over here - not over there," Sheldon the Hatter shook his head, "No, no, no there is no pushing save for my bit of pushing towards you. Not physically, mind, but mentally, you see, I do push because I feel you should really own up to the facts on the plate before you...or, oh, wait, oh no, oh dear, here..."
Sheldon the Hatter clapped his hands and suddenly a cat appeared. It was strangely colored and striped and its' grin was so large it frightened Penny. It carried a tray on its' back and somehow, with its' tail, it deposited the tray in front of her before disappearing as quick as it came.
Penny, who had had a hand pressed to her heart the moment the cat arrived, found her hand slowly lowering to the tray and drawing the lid back. Beneath rested a silver plate and resting on top of it was a pocket watch, a picture of Leonard, a bowl full of rainbow colored mushrooms and pills, a cake that had 'Eat Me' written on it, and a small blue bottled marked 'Poison' that had a tag reading 'Drink Me'.
"Now, see? That is your plate."
Penny looked at him and then back at the plate again and suddenly she noticed that her name was actually engraved on the plate. Sheldon the Hatter spoke up, "Now, in regards to the items on your plate, which do you think out of these items is the worst for you?"
Penny moaned and ran her hands over her face, "Sheldon...okay, I take it back, I don't want to talk about this."
Sheldon the Hatter ignored her, as was his want to do, "Most naturally, you would gravitate to the bottle or perhaps the bowl. Maybe even the watch, as time is everyone's enemy in his own way, but I really think you ought to consider the photograph which, if you recall, was my earlier suggestion."
Penny picked up the photo of Leonard and sighed, "You think I should break up with him."
"No, you think that," he returned, taking another sip of his tea, "This is in your head after all."
Penny blinked, "What?"
"Do you think this my Wonderland?"
"And you think its mine?!" she jeered.
He merely shrugged again, then, finishing off his tea, he pushed his cup away, "My Wonderland would have more shapes and numbers and science in the fluid shape of a woman-"
"Kinky."
"You might be there as well," he added lightly beneath his breath, "But that seems unlikely given the plate before you."
Penny's head fell back against the chair as she looked at the photo again, "He's...he's not a bad boyfriend."
"He left you alone," Sheldon the Hatter said crisply, "Today of all days, he left you alone with me."
"It couldn't be helped."
"It could. He was stubborn. As stubborn as an oyster that doesn't want to be opened."
"Oysters have pearls inside."
"That one," he pointed at the photo she held, "Does not. At least, not for you. And do you know how natural pearls are made or thought to be made? They form under a set of accidental conditions, in which a microscopic intruder or parasite enters a bivalve mollusk, and settles inside the shell. The mollusk, being irritated by the intruder, forms a pearl sac of external mantle tissue cells and secretes the calcium carbonate and conchiolin to cover the irritant. This secretion process is repeated many times, thus producing a pearl."
Penny blinked, "Well that was...informative."
"Quite."
He didn't continue and Penny thought he was done until he started again, voice just as lecturing as before, "And natural pearls come in many shapes, with perfectly round ones being comparatively rare, so, the long and short of it is, that that oyster," he pointed at the picture once more, "Has no pearl for you and even if he did it would not be ready or round - it would be a disformed lump of sewage."
"Nice," she muttered, putting aside the picture and crossing her arms once again.
"It is, isn't it?"
"Sarcasm, Hat Boy."
"It's Hatter," he sighed, "And there's no point in being pedantically childish about it. You two are an improper fit and that's hardly my fault."
"So you're saying it's mine?"
"No. I'm saying it's no one's and you know how he can be," Sheldon the Hatter shook his head and picked up his tea cup, staring into its' empty bottom, "No, no, I'm just...helping you reach your own conclusions in this affair."
Penny, not really wanting to talk about Leonard and the state of their relationship, picked up one of the mushrooms. It looked a bit like chalk and was a soft pink, she turned it this way and that, "Will this make me grow larger or smaller?"
"It may, or maybe the pills do that, or the bottle, or the cake, it's difficult to say."
"The bottle says 'poison' on it, so, I won't be drinking that."
"A wise decision."
"Thank you. I am capable of those."
"And yet you stick with your stubborn, pearl-less oyster."
Penny tossed the mushroom back into the bowl and rested her arms on the table in a huff, "What would you have me do then, huh? Dump Leonard the day after Valentine's?"
"It is Valentine's, isn't it," Sheldon the Hatter said dreamily, "Surprised it hasn't-" he stopped abruptly, head cocking to one side as thunder rumbled above, followed by a flash of lightning, "Ah, there it is," he looked at the pocket watch that had been on Penny's plate but was now miraculously in his hands, "Right on time."
Penny looked up and it started to rain, or to snow, or...it was hard to say. But pink and red and white little hearts began to float down from the sky. They were no more substantial than bubbles. The moment they reached her they fizzled out or popped and she couldn't help but giggle giddily, a big smile on her face as she held out her hands, head thrown back in wonder as the hearts poured down.
One landed in her hand and she watched it delicately dissolve into nothing. Her face grew serious and she looked at the picture of Leonard once more. She sighed and turned the picture over, her voice so quiet, she thought Sheldon couldn't possibly hear it, "Maybe you're right."
"No, maybe you are right," Sheldon the Hatter remarked loud and clear, "This is in your head. This is your Wonderland."
She looked at him then, looked at Sheldon, her head cocked to one side, "Well then, if this is my Wonderland. Why are you here?"
"You were expecting the Dormouse, maybe? The March Hare?"
"Who? Raj and Howard? No, no, no....but...you?"
Sheldon the Hatter was now the one to cross his arms and Penny felt a little bad at the idea of hurting his feelings, still, "I mean, just seems someone else should be sitting in your seat. Like...I don't know...Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp or something..."
He didn't answer with words, but instead took off his top hat smoothly and she watched, with fascination, as he made the brim dance along his fingertips. It moved there, balanced so precariously on those long, tapered fingers, rolling this way and that, then it moved up his arm and he grabbed it with his other hand before tossing it high in the air.
Penny watched it soar, up and up and up and up, up until it was out of sight. She looked at him and he winked and the hat fell right back down on top of his head, landing perfectly. Penny sat back, stunned and Sheldon chuckled, "With physics, anything is possible."
Penny blinked and shook her head and she picked up her tea, finishing it off in one big gulp, before pushing it and her plate far away from her, "This can't be real."
"It isn't. I thought we had all ready closed that topic and moved on to another?"
The heart rain or snow or what-have-you had stopped and Penny ran a hand along the soft, silk of her blue dress, her voice unsteady, "I feel strange."
"Do you?"
"I feel...what did I drink?" Penny shot a hand forward and snatched up the bottle from the plate quickly, thrusting it in his direction, "Was it poison?"
"No," he drew the word out slowly, "But what you drank does say a lot about me and you and your Wonderland on this day of Valentine's."
Penny sat back in her chair and she turned her eyes to her cup. Right there, along the lip of the cup, in the finest, tiniest print was gold lettering that read, 'desire'. Penny was so startled she wanted to laugh but instead managed a choking cough, her head shaking, "You're saying I drank desire? You're saying you're here because..."
Her words died in her throat the minute she looked up at him. Penny licked her lips, heat coursing through her, as Sheldon the Hatter looked at her, eyes narrowed, face hungry. He was no longer relaxed. Not an inch. His long fingers went to either side of the table and with one quick, fluid motion he tossed the whole table aside, leaving nothing between them.
There was a loud crash - china falling, the items on her plate tumbling away, and she still held the bottle of poison as he rose to his feet. Rose and rose and she had never noticed he was so tall and he walked over to her, stood in front of her, inches away as he held out his hand.
Penny looked at Sheldon's hand, dumbfounded and she took it slowly, she stood in front of him, and, regarding the bottle she held, she gently removed the 'drink me' tag. She tossed the bottle away and somehow, in some way, the ribbon about the tag began to expand, growing larger and larger and suddenly Penny knew what to do.
She reached up a shaky hand and took hold of Sheldon's top hat. She drew it off and then, with a little help from him, looped the ribbon about his head, until the 'drink me' tag rested around his neck. Penny lowered the hat upon his head again and he stood there before her, Sheldon the Mad Hatter, with a tag around his neck, a tag resting on his chest that said...
"Drink me," he whispered and Penny shivered as his arms came around her, and her head tilted to one side, her lips meeting his and he tasted warm and sweet and of relaxed tea.
88888888888
Penny sat up with a startled gasp. She looked around with great alarm and slowly realized she was at Leonard and Sheldon's apartment. She let out something between a cough and sneeze, something she liked to call a 'snuffle', and slowly realized exactly what had happened.
It was still Valentine's day, she was still sick, and she had fallen asleep on Leonard and Sheldon's couch. She blinked, eyes aching, and turned to see Sheldon too was fast asleep on his side of the couch, nestled deep in his own blankets.
She looked at him and licked her lips, shaking her head. What a curious dream. She lay back on the couch, tightening her blankets around her and wondered why she had dreamed 'Alice in Wonderland' of all things and why...
Drink me.
Penny felt herself shiver again with heat and she looked at Sheldon once more. When he wasn't talking, when he wasn't being Sheldon, when he was asleep, he actually looked rather...
She imagined him with the top hat and the coat and she could still feel his imaginary lips on hers. So dreamlike, and yet so...
Penny sighed and shook her head, regarding him with a little smile as she whispered, "Happy Valentine's Day."