(no subject)
I hate when I feel this way... like no one really cares... and I know people care, I do... and I know I feel this way b/c of my birthday... I'm trying to figure out what to do for it, and I ask for suggestions, but no one gets back to me... and I'm such a freak, b/c while it is my birthday and we should just do what I want to do,I worry that people aren't going to have a good time, and if people don't have a good time, then I feel like shit. Now there is talk of bowling or Dave and Busters... now a lot of my friends went bowling last week for Julie's birthday (I had a show and couldn't go :-( I'm sorry Julie, I love you!)... so I've already gotten a couple, "ugh, bowling again?"... and while I would love to go to Dave and Busters, are people really going to ant to haul their asses to Philly in the middle of all this 4th of July hoopla that is going on over there?... but no one has made an effort to suggest anything else... and it's hard with two very different groups of friends... and if I hadn't just moved, I would totally have a big party here, but as of the moment, there is nothing funn to do here, and there are still boxes around... I know I was worried about my birthday last year, and it ended up being so much fun... but I'm trying to disprove the theory that all your birthdays after 21 suck...
anyway... all I'm actually trying to say is, now I feel like crap and like no one cares (except the couple of you who actually seem excited about Sunday, and I love you for it)... but when people almost went away for the weekend it kind of upset me... and it shouldn't have, b/c the really important people would still have been here, ...
I'm so crazy... I'm hoping this is all just pms... I've been thinking lately about how inadequate I feel... for everything... and also that I always feel like people don't have a very high opinion of me... like when I hear that an ex, the person I'm seeing at the time, and someone who is supposed to be my friend are all sitting around talking about something I did when I was drunk over 2 years ago. And no one thought to say, "hey guys, we shouldn't be talking about this", and everyone points to someone else about who started the conversation, and all I can think is, wow, the must really not think much of me... then why are they all trying to be my friend now?... so they can dig up more dirt on me and have another laugh?...
it's situations like that that make it really hard for me to trust people... and the lies I've been told in the past (oh relax, I'm not just talking about you (b/c I know you still read this), there have been a few)... it's a very very lonely feeling. and of course we all know this one, even in a room full of people, you can feel completely alone... and I know that things have just been weird b/c of everyone else's work schedule and my show schedule, it's impossible to see people, unless we go out early during the week, or on the weekends I leave the theatre right after the show and get back here around midnight...
ok, i think I've rambled enough... notice how posts like these always come around the same time of the month?... I hope that's the only reason I am emotional... maybe I'll go raid the full liquor cabinet we FOUND in the new house... b/c I need to become more of a lush (did you sense the sarcasm?)
anyway... all I'm actually trying to say is, now I feel like crap and like no one cares (except the couple of you who actually seem excited about Sunday, and I love you for it)... but when people almost went away for the weekend it kind of upset me... and it shouldn't have, b/c the really important people would still have been here, ...
I'm so crazy... I'm hoping this is all just pms... I've been thinking lately about how inadequate I feel... for everything... and also that I always feel like people don't have a very high opinion of me... like when I hear that an ex, the person I'm seeing at the time, and someone who is supposed to be my friend are all sitting around talking about something I did when I was drunk over 2 years ago. And no one thought to say, "hey guys, we shouldn't be talking about this", and everyone points to someone else about who started the conversation, and all I can think is, wow, the must really not think much of me... then why are they all trying to be my friend now?... so they can dig up more dirt on me and have another laugh?...
it's situations like that that make it really hard for me to trust people... and the lies I've been told in the past (oh relax, I'm not just talking about you (b/c I know you still read this), there have been a few)... it's a very very lonely feeling. and of course we all know this one, even in a room full of people, you can feel completely alone... and I know that things have just been weird b/c of everyone else's work schedule and my show schedule, it's impossible to see people, unless we go out early during the week, or on the weekends I leave the theatre right after the show and get back here around midnight...
ok, i think I've rambled enough... notice how posts like these always come around the same time of the month?... I hope that's the only reason I am emotional... maybe I'll go raid the full liquor cabinet we FOUND in the new house... b/c I need to become more of a lush (did you sense the sarcasm?)