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A strange thing is happening lately, which is that my body is freaking out. I have an ulcer. The acid keeps me up at night, clearly destroying my stomach lining and perhaps the rest of me. There are unmentionable things happening, too, which make me think I'm dying but which I'm assured is just an unfortunate but quite normal reaction to stress. Plus there are the usual stress indicators like zits, dark circles under my eyes and an insatiable craving for chocolate. The reason these things are strange is that I'm just not feeling stressed out. For the most part I feel inner and outer calm.
If I am a little stressed it's probably about my parents' situation. It's pretty devastating, but I feel like I'm being gentle in my approach to it and I don't feel that it's eroding me, really. My Mom is so happy, my Dad is....
Ali is a help to me right now. He's just here, as he always is, strong and quiet and loving. Last night he made me tea and curled a heated blanket around my feet and I told him "thank you, I'm happy, life is easy" but what I meant was "life is easy now, as long as you're here, but when you go it will be hard again."
Now I'm at home getting ready for Tequila's holiday party. I have a new dress to wear but I don't want to wear it because it will mean high heels and tonight, just for a little change, I don't want to be the tallest person in the room. My extraordinary height says to all the smaller people, it's okay, I am here, I will take care of you, I am watching over you. Because really I am over them, towering. It says I have it under control. It says I am a bigger person capable of incredible strengths. It sets awfully high expectations. It says when you hurt I am strong enough to comfort you and it says I will make it better. And maybe that's why I want so badly to be small, to reverse the effects of my height, to be the one to take comfort in someone else's stature, to be the one that's held completely and taken care of completely. Yes, I think that's it.
If I am a little stressed it's probably about my parents' situation. It's pretty devastating, but I feel like I'm being gentle in my approach to it and I don't feel that it's eroding me, really. My Mom is so happy, my Dad is....
Ali is a help to me right now. He's just here, as he always is, strong and quiet and loving. Last night he made me tea and curled a heated blanket around my feet and I told him "thank you, I'm happy, life is easy" but what I meant was "life is easy now, as long as you're here, but when you go it will be hard again."
Now I'm at home getting ready for Tequila's holiday party. I have a new dress to wear but I don't want to wear it because it will mean high heels and tonight, just for a little change, I don't want to be the tallest person in the room. My extraordinary height says to all the smaller people, it's okay, I am here, I will take care of you, I am watching over you. Because really I am over them, towering. It says I have it under control. It says I am a bigger person capable of incredible strengths. It sets awfully high expectations. It says when you hurt I am strong enough to comfort you and it says I will make it better. And maybe that's why I want so badly to be small, to reverse the effects of my height, to be the one to take comfort in someone else's stature, to be the one that's held completely and taken care of completely. Yes, I think that's it.