make em scream and shout
I'm doing a comparison between Apple, Dell and Microsoft. I've got pages and pages of financial records for the past 5 years and I'm sorting through them. I am ill-equipped for this. I am near tears with frustration. I am grappling with unfamiliar terms and I am drinking wine and it is difficult
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I thought you were in grad school because you loved languages and studying them in depth! And because you ARE smart and furthering your schooling only worked the smartness MORE! Plus, it's a great experience and opportunity for travel and meeting wonderful people.
Too positive. You sound like you're selling me!! ;)
I love languages, but I could have been a language teacher and already have a job and maybe a house and all that. I've been in grad school now since 2001. I just turned 29. I make about 1200 a month, and 950 of that goes to rent. I spend most of my time futzing about on the internet and avoiding work because I have no idea how to do this thing anymore. And when I graduate? When I finally finish this thing? I'll be 30, hopefully. And then I can get the exact same job I got when I started: teaching German. For 30k. Yeah. But I can't let go of it. Because then I wouldn't be smart. *rolls eyes* You'd think with all these smarts I could figure out something to do with myself.
Great opportunity for travel? Not in and of itself. All the travel I did I could've done outside of grad school. I could've done what my sister is doing, and I would've been able to travel a lot more, made a lot more money, and not still be back at ground zero at age 30. But I don't dislike my life or career. I like it fine. It's just not super amazing or anything.
But what's done is done. And maybe all I meant with what I said was that whenever things are frustrating, just think to yourself "Ha! I have a job. I'm doing this for fun! Screw it if I don't get it!" That's not exactly "oh, but the challenge is good for me and I should embrace it and love it" positive, but it ain't super-negative either. Say you hate it. Say it sucks. But don't say YOU suck.
You're overly positive about life, about other people, but I've never seen you be overly positive about yourself. You're humble at best, but I've never seen you brag. Or say "I rock!" without some sort of "because someone else said so and I made them happy so that must mean that I must rock at least a little bit". After you posted the OMGSOHOT picture of you with the mask, why didn't you do a little verbal dance of "hells yeah, I'm smmmmmokin hot! Check me out!!!", eh? Why not a little victory dance? C'mon, you're allowed to brag a bit.
So in that regard, no, you don't need to be more negative.
Of course, as usual, I'm no expert. I just don't like seeing you be hard on yourself. So take what I said with the grain of salt that is knowing that I'm not a trained therapist and you should prolly listen to the person with the degree in the field before you listen to Miss Armchair Psychologist over here.
Love you.
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I DO, however, have utmost respect for you and what you've done with your life. I don't know why, but I see it as more responsible and upright than simply backpacking around the world. Somehow I believe the "you're getting a PHd therefore you're smart" thing, so maybe it's a good ploy?? I thought you were smart before, though... Regardless, I see what you mean. hHrm.
What IS/would be super amazing? I honest to god think you ARE super amazing, and I mean that sincerely.
As for my way of getting down and taking it out on me instead of external forces, I think you're right that I do it and I think it has somethign to do wtih my upbringing and learnign that if I'm down on myself first, it'll be harder for other people (read: perhaps my dad?) to be down on me. That makes me understand it, but I DO see that it's not right and slowly slowly I'm becoming more able to stand up and say hey, this isnt' right to ME, this isn't okay with me, this is NOT my failing but a failing in XYZ. And lemme tell you, I bitch SO much about my funky messed up hormones and goddamn female plumbing AND about the stupidity of doctors in figuring this out AND about work not valueing me enough, etc, I just somehow don't post much of that in here... Ask Ali, he'll tell you I kvetch a ton about this stuff on a daily basis!
in this post I really wasn't trying to be down on myself. I was frustrated with outside things and words like "obese" and "disgusting" are my ways of cussing, using words to the extreme. Clearly I don't think I'm actually obese. But since when do I use words to mean what i ACTUALLY mean? hehehe.
Anyway, I love you too and I hope I didn't jump on you. I think there are some problems with communicating only via LJ, mainly that only certain things are put forth here and certain moods inspire posting when others do not and so the views are skewed on what I may really be/feel/see/do/etc. It's especially problematic for me with you because you never POST! So I have nooo idea what you're up to in that far away state of yours...
I'm rambling because I've decided I like the clickity clack sound of the keyboard... soooo relaxing... zzzz
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As for my way of getting down and taking it out on me instead of external forces, I think you're right that I do it and I think it has somethign to do wtih my upbringing and learnign that if I'm down on myself first, it'll be harder for other people (read: perhaps my dad?) to be down on me. That makes me understand it, but I DO see that it's not right and slowly slowly I'm becoming more able to stand up and say hey, this isnt' right to ME,
Exactly! Ok, I'm glad to know you know where it's coming from because I've never understood it.
Sorry, we should continue this elsewhere. It's the same conversation we always have, it seems. We just haven't had it in a while. ;)
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