make em scream and shout
I'm doing a comparison between Apple, Dell and Microsoft. I've got pages and pages of financial records for the past 5 years and I'm sorting through them. I am ill-equipped for this. I am near tears with frustration. I am grappling with unfamiliar terms and I am drinking wine and it is difficult
( Read more... )
I know people are imperfect, and I also know that everyone feels the way I was feeling when I posted this. It's not my dominant state of mine, I PROMISE, but it was a bad day and I posted to get it out.
As for the fat thing, something is wrong with my body that is making me gain weight no matter what I do, unless what I do is stop eating, which I'm not willing to do. This is frustrating in a way that I think a lot of people don't understand. I have gained 6lbs since returning from Greece, and not one lb is from over-indulging in ice cream or cake or skipping the gym (because I do none of those things). It's because something is wrong with my body, and it's frustrating. Clothes I bought in Greece no longer fit. My doctor is VERY confused by this and says it is absolutely not normal. And it is frustrating. But I'm not willing to stop eating or be unhealthy to stop the weight gain. I am willing to get upset about it when I have to try on jeans a size larger than I did 4 months ago. I'm trying to work with my doc to figure out what's going on. But again, this just was getting to me when I posted. Today I'm quite fine, really!!
It's not horrible not to understand, but it's uncomfortable and unusual! I stick to things I know, generally, so it's new to be hit with something hard that I just can't quite grasp. BUT that's why I'm doing this, to stretch myself and BE uncomfortably not-understanding so I can learn and get to a place where I DO understand it. I mean, hell, that's the fun of school! And I knew that while I was there, in my third hour of staring at income sheets, frustrated that the "oh I get this!" time hadn't come yet. But I know it will and that's why I'll stick with it and not just give up and cry, saying I'm too stupid. I know I'm not.
I thought you were in grad school because you loved languages and studying them in depth! And because you ARE smart and furthering your schooling only worked the smartness MORE! Plus, it's a great experience and opportunity for travel and meeting wonderful people. No? Hehe, you have assets out the wazooooo!
YES, I totally am just bitching to let off steam and I think generally I'm overly positive to the point of unhealthy. My counselor has been telling me lately that it's OKAY to express displeasure and to say "no, I just don't want to do that" instead of always being the sunny, chipper, doing-whatever-makes-others-happy, everything-great-and-under-control person. It's okay to have a bad day and just feel it and let it out and wake up the next morning ready to have a good day. SO really, this was just cathardic complaining and absolutely not indicative of some ill place in life. promise.
luv ya.
Reply
I guess the big question is, I've always seen you swing from negative to positive, without stopping much in between. It's OK to have less than noble feelings. It's OK to admit you just feel like crap. You don't have to come back today and go "NO, really! I'm fine! I love school! I love me! Really!"
It's good to vent, but I wish it were directed more outwards, not inwards. Get angry at the sheets for being confusing, get angry at the prof for not explaining it enough, get angry at your stupid hormones for screwin around with you, get angry at the world for wanting all of us to be the same shape and size and perfect. It's ok to be a bit negative. Maybe if you let yourself be more negative when you're in a good mood, it won't overwhelm you when you're not?
Reply
I thought you were in grad school because you loved languages and studying them in depth! And because you ARE smart and furthering your schooling only worked the smartness MORE! Plus, it's a great experience and opportunity for travel and meeting wonderful people.
Too positive. You sound like you're selling me!! ;)
I love languages, but I could have been a language teacher and already have a job and maybe a house and all that. I've been in grad school now since 2001. I just turned 29. I make about 1200 a month, and 950 of that goes to rent. I spend most of my time futzing about on the internet and avoiding work because I have no idea how to do this thing anymore. And when I graduate? When I finally finish this thing? I'll be 30, hopefully. And then I can get the exact same job I got when I started: teaching German. For 30k. Yeah. But I can't let go of it. Because then I wouldn't be smart. *rolls eyes* You'd think with all these smarts I could figure out something to do with myself.
Great opportunity for travel? Not in and of itself. All the travel I did I could've done outside of grad school. I could've done what my sister is doing, and I would've been able to travel a lot more, made a lot more money, and not still be back at ground zero at age 30. But I don't dislike my life or career. I like it fine. It's just not super amazing or anything.
But what's done is done. And maybe all I meant with what I said was that whenever things are frustrating, just think to yourself "Ha! I have a job. I'm doing this for fun! Screw it if I don't get it!" That's not exactly "oh, but the challenge is good for me and I should embrace it and love it" positive, but it ain't super-negative either. Say you hate it. Say it sucks. But don't say YOU suck.
You're overly positive about life, about other people, but I've never seen you be overly positive about yourself. You're humble at best, but I've never seen you brag. Or say "I rock!" without some sort of "because someone else said so and I made them happy so that must mean that I must rock at least a little bit". After you posted the OMGSOHOT picture of you with the mask, why didn't you do a little verbal dance of "hells yeah, I'm smmmmmokin hot! Check me out!!!", eh? Why not a little victory dance? C'mon, you're allowed to brag a bit.
So in that regard, no, you don't need to be more negative.
Of course, as usual, I'm no expert. I just don't like seeing you be hard on yourself. So take what I said with the grain of salt that is knowing that I'm not a trained therapist and you should prolly listen to the person with the degree in the field before you listen to Miss Armchair Psychologist over here.
Love you.
Reply
I DO, however, have utmost respect for you and what you've done with your life. I don't know why, but I see it as more responsible and upright than simply backpacking around the world. Somehow I believe the "you're getting a PHd therefore you're smart" thing, so maybe it's a good ploy?? I thought you were smart before, though... Regardless, I see what you mean. hHrm.
What IS/would be super amazing? I honest to god think you ARE super amazing, and I mean that sincerely.
As for my way of getting down and taking it out on me instead of external forces, I think you're right that I do it and I think it has somethign to do wtih my upbringing and learnign that if I'm down on myself first, it'll be harder for other people (read: perhaps my dad?) to be down on me. That makes me understand it, but I DO see that it's not right and slowly slowly I'm becoming more able to stand up and say hey, this isnt' right to ME, this isn't okay with me, this is NOT my failing but a failing in XYZ. And lemme tell you, I bitch SO much about my funky messed up hormones and goddamn female plumbing AND about the stupidity of doctors in figuring this out AND about work not valueing me enough, etc, I just somehow don't post much of that in here... Ask Ali, he'll tell you I kvetch a ton about this stuff on a daily basis!
in this post I really wasn't trying to be down on myself. I was frustrated with outside things and words like "obese" and "disgusting" are my ways of cussing, using words to the extreme. Clearly I don't think I'm actually obese. But since when do I use words to mean what i ACTUALLY mean? hehehe.
Anyway, I love you too and I hope I didn't jump on you. I think there are some problems with communicating only via LJ, mainly that only certain things are put forth here and certain moods inspire posting when others do not and so the views are skewed on what I may really be/feel/see/do/etc. It's especially problematic for me with you because you never POST! So I have nooo idea what you're up to in that far away state of yours...
I'm rambling because I've decided I like the clickity clack sound of the keyboard... soooo relaxing... zzzz
Reply
As for my way of getting down and taking it out on me instead of external forces, I think you're right that I do it and I think it has somethign to do wtih my upbringing and learnign that if I'm down on myself first, it'll be harder for other people (read: perhaps my dad?) to be down on me. That makes me understand it, but I DO see that it's not right and slowly slowly I'm becoming more able to stand up and say hey, this isnt' right to ME,
Exactly! Ok, I'm glad to know you know where it's coming from because I've never understood it.
Sorry, we should continue this elsewhere. It's the same conversation we always have, it seems. We just haven't had it in a while. ;)
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment