always alliterate
I haven't forgotten that I'm TTC. I thought my body just needed time to get rid of the BC, so I was pretending to be patient. I was eating whole fat dairy and doing more yoga and less running. I was practicing sticking out my belly and then accepting myself. I was getting by without caffeine, and preparing myself mentally for 9+ months of no sushi.
But a year of that is enough. A year of that and I got nervous, so yesterday I went back to my doctor to complain that my body is STILL not functioning within acceptable parameters.
I expected her to laugh and me and chastise me for being so antsy. Instead, she was surprised and said "this isn't right, and this definitely doesn't have anything to do with the birth control at this point." She said she'd suspect thyroid but I weigh about the same as I did last year so that makes her think maybe not. I told her I fight weight-gain tooth and nail and she had me detail my diet and exercise and shook her head, "that's not right, you're only 26, you shouldn't be struggling with weight like this" and just hearing that made me so emotional. Everyone always just dismisses me as crazy, but what if there really is something going on with me that makes me have to fight this hard to not gain weight, and at the same time is keeping me from having a cycle? My doc thinks that's very likely. She sent me to the hospital to have blood drawn to do a bunch of tests. She gave me Provera to see if that kick-starts my cycle. Side effects include all the things for which I have a proclivity: depression, weight gain, headaches, insomnia, nausea, cramps, etc. Exciting.
She said, "this is definitely not normal," and it makes me feel broken and inadequate. And now, even though I'm on the path to figuring this out and getting un-broken, I'm feeling awfully down. I feel like sitting at home in PJs with Christmas carols and hot chocolate and my delicious new book, curling up into a ball, zipping myself into the sleeping bag of myself, until it all passes. And I know, it will all pass.
But a year of that is enough. A year of that and I got nervous, so yesterday I went back to my doctor to complain that my body is STILL not functioning within acceptable parameters.
I expected her to laugh and me and chastise me for being so antsy. Instead, she was surprised and said "this isn't right, and this definitely doesn't have anything to do with the birth control at this point." She said she'd suspect thyroid but I weigh about the same as I did last year so that makes her think maybe not. I told her I fight weight-gain tooth and nail and she had me detail my diet and exercise and shook her head, "that's not right, you're only 26, you shouldn't be struggling with weight like this" and just hearing that made me so emotional. Everyone always just dismisses me as crazy, but what if there really is something going on with me that makes me have to fight this hard to not gain weight, and at the same time is keeping me from having a cycle? My doc thinks that's very likely. She sent me to the hospital to have blood drawn to do a bunch of tests. She gave me Provera to see if that kick-starts my cycle. Side effects include all the things for which I have a proclivity: depression, weight gain, headaches, insomnia, nausea, cramps, etc. Exciting.
She said, "this is definitely not normal," and it makes me feel broken and inadequate. And now, even though I'm on the path to figuring this out and getting un-broken, I'm feeling awfully down. I feel like sitting at home in PJs with Christmas carols and hot chocolate and my delicious new book, curling up into a ball, zipping myself into the sleeping bag of myself, until it all passes. And I know, it will all pass.