Over breakfast, I read the first chapter of a book about what it’s like to be a person who works on dictionaries. “This is interesting,” I thought to myself, and bought the whole book. And then I had the sad thought that if she was still alive, this was totally a book I’d have recommended to my mother - I grew up in a house full of books, with one ( Read more... )

Lounging around late at night, putting off going to bed. I load up Facebook on the tablet’s browser.

Facebook wants me to be very excited that two of my friends there are having birthdays. My timeline is full of notes about that and about things people posted on their pages wishing them a happy birthday.

I cringe a bit.

And then I go to my settings ( Read more... )

Ugh. Why is the part of my brain that keeps on muttering “your mother is dead, you feel like shit, kill yourself” over and over again the first bit to wake up and the last to go to sleep. Being up and doing other things drowns it out but it's always there first thing in the morning and last thing at night and I'm getting tired of its helpful ( Read more... )

The first thing through my head in the morning is “I should deal with those life insurance policies on Mom except wait I still haven’t gotten the death certificates what’s up with that”. This is going to be a long forty-fourth birthday.

Then I check my email. Every computer wishing me a happy birthday via email is like a little knife in the gut ( Read more... )

Once again, I am celebrating Thanksgiving in my traditional manner: by making sure there is food in the kitchen on the day before, and not going anywhere. It is, perhaps, slightly lonely in the way being alone on big FAMILY TOGETHERNESS holidays are, but it’s infinitely preferable to “having a strained conversation with my grandmother over ( Read more... )

Woke up around 6:30? with more kidney stone pain. Took the painkillers and muscle relaxants, waited in whimpering pain for them to kick in. Ultimately I found the most comfort in being a wounded animal lying on the floor of my bedroom closet: dim, quiet, only one entrance. Did some kind of mental judo to kind of... ignore... the pain until the ( Read more... )