Things and stuff.
I started off today feeling like a really big pile of crap. Like an enormous pile of crap. Immense. Massive. My thought processes - admittedly with some flawed logic - went something like this:
Okay, so I broke up with him. Doesn't that mean I'm supposed to not feel like crap? Aren't I supposed to be spared from that, since it was my decision? So why do I feel so much like crap? Stop feeling like crap! Aw, crap, now I feel even more like crap for feeling like crap when I know I shouldn't feel like crap. But, when I tell myself it's okay to feel like crap, I obviously still feel like crap. Oh, crap.
So, you see my dilemma.
Anyways. There wasn't any specific thing about this whole situation I was feeling like crap about, it was just generally the whole thing. I'm sad, I'm angry - those are things to be expected, I know. I'm afraid all the friends I made through him are going to hate me now, even though they're all still talking to me and making sure I'm all right. I don't want to be in Boston right now at all - I just want to go home. Home is far away from all the crap. I'm afraid there's a chance I'm going to lose my job at Berklee this spring - there are fewer openings for staff accompanists than there are student accompanists applying. And since my work card won't come until January, things are up in the air. I don't like it when things are up in the air. Why don't they just come down?
I went to jazz service tonight. I wasn't supposed to play, but I thought I'd go anyways just for something to do. When my mom visited last week, she told me that the best thing I could probably do for myself right now is to keep busy until I go home. Great advice - moms are generally smart people, even if we don't want to believe it. This should come as a surprise for none of you, but it was exactly what I needed... I got there early and was sitting in the chairs listening to the music and trying not to cry - it's a common position I find myself in these days, trying not to cry. I always thought I was the kind of person who could hold in my outward display of emotions until an appropriate time, but I proved that completely wrong by running out of class in tears twice in the past two weeks. I never thought I'd be one of those girls that run out of classrooms in tears, but I suppose that just goes to show you that you can never say never, right?
Okay anyways, I was sitting in the chairs, trying not to cry, as the people were coming in. One guy sat behind me, and then got up and came and asked me if I was a music major. I said "Yes, I am, actually." He said "You are the person who usually plays the piano and sings here, right?" and I said "Yes, I am!" He said "I just wanted to tell you what a wonderful job you do. I come to this service when I'm able to, and it's always lovely to hear you sing." I said thank you so very much, and was so pleased - just when I was feeling crap-tastic about everything, someone came and gave me something nice to think about.
The service was lovely, as per usual. I sang, and I enjoyed it immensely. I always forget how much singing makes me feel better. I checked my phone after the service and found a text-message saying that my friend Ruby, who I'd planned to meet for coffee, couldn't actually meet me. I was upset for a bit, since I'd been meaning to talk to Ruby for a while, but then Willie, Nancy and Don - the music leader and two ministers - asked me to go out to dinner with them after the service. So, I accepted! I'd never spent any time with any of those people outside of a church-type setting. I'd actually never spoken with Don before at all, and he turned out to be a really fascinating person to talk to. So, we went for Thai food and drank some Thai beer and talked about random things, church-related and otherwise. It was so wonderful.
I forget sometimes about how good things actually are even when they seem like crap, and how little it takes to turn my mood from awful to not-really-awful-at-all. Of course, this jolt of good won't last forever - it will take more and more little jolts of good things as time goes on, and eventually the crap will get further and further away until it's not something that's in the forefront of my mind all the time, and I guess that will be enough.
I guess that all I know is that life goes on. That's pretty sweet.
Okay, so I broke up with him. Doesn't that mean I'm supposed to not feel like crap? Aren't I supposed to be spared from that, since it was my decision? So why do I feel so much like crap? Stop feeling like crap! Aw, crap, now I feel even more like crap for feeling like crap when I know I shouldn't feel like crap. But, when I tell myself it's okay to feel like crap, I obviously still feel like crap. Oh, crap.
So, you see my dilemma.
Anyways. There wasn't any specific thing about this whole situation I was feeling like crap about, it was just generally the whole thing. I'm sad, I'm angry - those are things to be expected, I know. I'm afraid all the friends I made through him are going to hate me now, even though they're all still talking to me and making sure I'm all right. I don't want to be in Boston right now at all - I just want to go home. Home is far away from all the crap. I'm afraid there's a chance I'm going to lose my job at Berklee this spring - there are fewer openings for staff accompanists than there are student accompanists applying. And since my work card won't come until January, things are up in the air. I don't like it when things are up in the air. Why don't they just come down?
I went to jazz service tonight. I wasn't supposed to play, but I thought I'd go anyways just for something to do. When my mom visited last week, she told me that the best thing I could probably do for myself right now is to keep busy until I go home. Great advice - moms are generally smart people, even if we don't want to believe it. This should come as a surprise for none of you, but it was exactly what I needed... I got there early and was sitting in the chairs listening to the music and trying not to cry - it's a common position I find myself in these days, trying not to cry. I always thought I was the kind of person who could hold in my outward display of emotions until an appropriate time, but I proved that completely wrong by running out of class in tears twice in the past two weeks. I never thought I'd be one of those girls that run out of classrooms in tears, but I suppose that just goes to show you that you can never say never, right?
Okay anyways, I was sitting in the chairs, trying not to cry, as the people were coming in. One guy sat behind me, and then got up and came and asked me if I was a music major. I said "Yes, I am, actually." He said "You are the person who usually plays the piano and sings here, right?" and I said "Yes, I am!" He said "I just wanted to tell you what a wonderful job you do. I come to this service when I'm able to, and it's always lovely to hear you sing." I said thank you so very much, and was so pleased - just when I was feeling crap-tastic about everything, someone came and gave me something nice to think about.
The service was lovely, as per usual. I sang, and I enjoyed it immensely. I always forget how much singing makes me feel better. I checked my phone after the service and found a text-message saying that my friend Ruby, who I'd planned to meet for coffee, couldn't actually meet me. I was upset for a bit, since I'd been meaning to talk to Ruby for a while, but then Willie, Nancy and Don - the music leader and two ministers - asked me to go out to dinner with them after the service. So, I accepted! I'd never spent any time with any of those people outside of a church-type setting. I'd actually never spoken with Don before at all, and he turned out to be a really fascinating person to talk to. So, we went for Thai food and drank some Thai beer and talked about random things, church-related and otherwise. It was so wonderful.
I forget sometimes about how good things actually are even when they seem like crap, and how little it takes to turn my mood from awful to not-really-awful-at-all. Of course, this jolt of good won't last forever - it will take more and more little jolts of good things as time goes on, and eventually the crap will get further and further away until it's not something that's in the forefront of my mind all the time, and I guess that will be enough.
I guess that all I know is that life goes on. That's pretty sweet.