Some Problems
So I've been trying really hard with the baby to do everything right. And most of it I've been doing on my own. John helps at night but he works all day so there is only so much he can do. Well this leaves me feeling stressed. And our money situation sucks mostly because we live in a house that we rent from a jerk who hasn't been understanding or helpful at all. I have no job right now and am not sure how its all gonna wrok out. Well on top of that Kaiden has been fussy and the doctor has had me worried about his weight gain. So dealing with this all by myself like I usually try to do has become much more difficult. I have been having such a hard time with my emotions that I have lost my temper a couple times with Kaiden. I haven't done anything but I have kinda yelled at him and then had to force myself to calmly put him down in his bassinet and walk away and call my dad. This in turn made me cry my eyes out because I had wanted to hurt him and all I could think was "what is wrong with me?" I love my baby with my whole heart. There are no words to express the kinda of love you have for your kids and yet here I was thinking these thoughts. I lost my patience and that is unacceptable. I have been feeling more and more helpless and depressed as the weeks have gone on. Its been almost four weeks now since he was born and it seems like things have just been getting worse and worse. I'm now worried that I'm affecting his development because of my temper and my consistant depressive feelings. This is not how I envisioned myself reacting to him. So what is wrong with me? I don't know. But I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to find out.