"This is gonna sound like an asshole thing to say, but I think you're pretty super too."
Ah, the Diligenz Christmas party. Last night rounded out my third such event, and they couldn't have been more different experiences.
Two years ago, the party was hosted at the Bellevue Hyatt. It was super nice, held in a huge room with a fantasy casino upstairs and all the food and the DJ downstairs. There was a chocolate fountain for dessert, and I was not wearing any underwear because of the lines. I was super sweaty and felt super awkward because I didn't know anyone and Nate had only been working there for a few months and I really wanted to make a good impression on these people. So for me, the party itself was a little off, and though I enjoyed it, I wish I had been more comfortable. The after party was great, because Nate had gotten us a room, so we snuggled up in a big comfy king-sized bed in our corner room....it was fun and different for us, and I loved it.
Last year, the venue changed (back, apparently) to the Embassy Suites in Lynnwood. Granted, it is a nice hotel, but it was a far cry from the Bellevue Hyatt. Thankfully, I knew more people, and Nate still knew people, so we mingled and had a good time overall. Nate won an iPod, and we went home tired and happy. But the whole atmosphere was different. It was more like hanging out on the weekend with friends than a Christmas event. I had trouble getting too very excited about it, and I was glad to go home.
This year, I flew solo, and I arrived a bit after most people I knew, and I got shitfaced on vodka that I had put into a Kirkland Signature water bottle in my purse. I'm poor and cheap and prefer vodka over bad wine, so I'm ultimately glad I did. I really needed to let loose. So I did. I got all dolled up, was dressed to impress, talked to people I hadn't ever talked to before, or hadn't talked to in a long time, drank too much, laughed a lot, and then crashed in someone's room....and not alone either.
Please don't misunderstand, it wasn't like that at all. Well, it was maybe a tiny bit like that, but only a tiny bit! I was a totally good girl, and single to boot, so if I ended up spooning with a guy that I like, then so be it!
What is the expected grieving period for a nearly-five-year relationship? How long am I supposed to be single and loving it before I'm permitted to be not single and loving it? Is it okay to have a crush on a guy? Is it okay to make a move? Am I supposed to let the situation cool and harden before I move onto something hot again? And if I've liked him for an extended period of time, is it still considered a rebound?
I feel as though I am asking too many questions, and that I need to take things in stride and not overthink them so much. But I can't help it! It's in my nature to overanalyze, and I've been doing it a lot recently. Why the hell do I feel like I'm in high school again? Is it because that's the last time I was single, and so in being single again I've reverted to those ways? Why am I all giddy and crazy? Will this pass, will it change into something else, will it get worse?
I guess only time will tell. Yes? That's what people keep telling me. How much time? I'm afraid I'm too fucking impatient to really find out.