Family Redneck Jokes
You might be a redneck if.... Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You might be a redneck if.... You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
You might be a redneck if.... You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You might be a redneck if.... You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
You might be a redneck if.... You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
You might be a redneck if.... You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
You might be a redneck if.... Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You might be a redneck if.... You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You might be a redneck if.... You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You might be a redneck if.... You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
40 Things never said by a redneck.....
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
You might be a redneck if.... Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
You might be a redneck if.... You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
You might be a redneck if.... You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
You might be a redneck if.... You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
You might be a redneck if.... You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
You might be a redneck if.... You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
Backwoods Hightech....
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.
You might be a redneck if.... Your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
You might be a redkeck if.... You go to your family reunion to pick up women.
You might be a redneck if.... Your richest relative buys a new house -- and you have to help him take the wheels off it.
You might be a redneck if.... You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.
You might be a redneck if.... Your family tree does not fork.
You might be a redneck if.... You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You might be a redneck if.... You've lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.
You might be a redneck if.... You helped your cousin move his refrigerator -- and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
You might be a redneck if.... You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
Redneck Poetry....
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word �Timbuktu.�
The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
�'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.�
The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
�Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu�
You might be in a redneck hotel if.... You phone the office and say I've got a leak in the sink and they say "Go ahead!"
You might be aredneck if.... Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
You might be a redneck if.... Your toilet paper has numbers on it.
You might be a redneck if.... You can french kiss with a toothpick in your mouth.
You might be a redneck if.... Anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
You might be a redneck if.... Your dad bought you a gallon Pepto-Bismal.
You might be a redneck if.... Your wife yells "Hey, move this transmission so I can take a bath!".
You might be a redneck if.... The most common phrase in your house is, "Someone go jiggle the handle!"
You might be a redneck if.... You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone
You might be a redneck if.... You hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
You might be a redneck if.... The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
You might be a redneck if.... You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
You might be a redneck if.... You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
You might be a redneck if.... Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
You might be a redneck if.... You think paprika is a Third World country.
You might be a redneck if.... You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
You might be a redneck if.... Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You might be a redneck if.... Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You might be a redneck if.... You own a homemade fur coat.
You might be a redneck if.... The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You might be a redneck if.... You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You might be a redneck if.... You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
You might be a redneck if.... Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You might be a redneck if.... You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
You might be a redneck if.... You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You might be a redneck if.... The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
Alright so I might have gone a little bit overboard with the redneck jokes.... but whatever they're funny.
You might be a redneck if.... You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
You might be a redneck if.... You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You might be a redneck if.... You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
You might be a redneck if.... You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
You might be a redneck if.... You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
You might be a redneck if.... Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You might be a redneck if.... You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You might be a redneck if.... You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You might be a redneck if.... You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
40 Things never said by a redneck.....
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
You might be a redneck if.... Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
You might be a redneck if.... You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
You might be a redneck if.... You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
You might be a redneck if.... You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
You might be a redneck if.... You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
You might be a redneck if.... You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
Backwoods Hightech....
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.
You might be a redneck if.... Your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
You might be a redkeck if.... You go to your family reunion to pick up women.
You might be a redneck if.... Your richest relative buys a new house -- and you have to help him take the wheels off it.
You might be a redneck if.... You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.
You might be a redneck if.... Your family tree does not fork.
You might be a redneck if.... You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You might be a redneck if.... You've lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.
You might be a redneck if.... You helped your cousin move his refrigerator -- and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
You might be a redneck if.... You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
Redneck Poetry....
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word �Timbuktu.�
The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
�'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.�
The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
�Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu�
You might be in a redneck hotel if.... You phone the office and say I've got a leak in the sink and they say "Go ahead!"
You might be aredneck if.... Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
You might be a redneck if.... Your toilet paper has numbers on it.
You might be a redneck if.... You can french kiss with a toothpick in your mouth.
You might be a redneck if.... Anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
You might be a redneck if.... Your dad bought you a gallon Pepto-Bismal.
You might be a redneck if.... Your wife yells "Hey, move this transmission so I can take a bath!".
You might be a redneck if.... The most common phrase in your house is, "Someone go jiggle the handle!"
You might be a redneck if.... You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone
You might be a redneck if.... You hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
You might be a redneck if.... The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
You might be a redneck if.... You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
You might be a redneck if.... You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
You might be a redneck if.... Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
You might be a redneck if.... You think paprika is a Third World country.
You might be a redneck if.... You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
You might be a redneck if.... Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You might be a redneck if.... Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You might be a redneck if.... You own a homemade fur coat.
You might be a redneck if.... The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You might be a redneck if.... You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You might be a redneck if.... You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
You might be a redneck if.... Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You might be a redneck if.... You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
You might be a redneck if.... You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You might be a redneck if.... The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
Alright so I might have gone a little bit overboard with the redneck jokes.... but whatever they're funny.