Reminiscence/Regret [Chapter 3]
Title: Reminiscence/Regret (Chapter 3)
Pairing(s): Taec/Khun, KhunYoung, Taec/Yoona
Rating: PG-13 (only this Chapter)
Genre: Romance, Drama, Humor
A/N: No porn this time kiddos, Sorry! I had to move the plot along lest I'm still writing this fic when I'm 80. I'll get you next chapter guys, promise. There's a good chunk of KhunYoung fluff though, to ensure that my fellow shippers don't disown me. And Yoona finally makes an appearance (short though it may be)! Comments, criticism etc. are very much appreciated.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Nichkhun crouched over his bed, spreading his freshly laundered comforter over the sheets. Wooyoung shuffled behind him, rifling through Khun’s desk drawer for his English book. He jerked back as he spotted a tiny piece of wax paper scribbled with messy Hangul.
“Well, look what I found!” he squealed. He sat down on the bed and handed it to Nichkhun.
“Oh, dear God,” Nichkhun sighed, covering his face when he realized what it was.
“Don’t be embarrassed… here, let me read it.” Wooyoung cleared his throat. “Wooyoungie, Merry Christmas. I think you like a souvenir? Kekeke. Love, Khun.”
“God, I had a lot of balls,” Khun said chuckling.
“And a terrible vocabulary,” Wooyoung added. “I still can’t believe you stole the kissing paper after filming. You’d be such a creep if you weren’t so gosh-darn adorable.” He planted a short, sweet kiss on Nichkhun’s lips and lay down on the bed.
“Youngie, I just finished making that bed,” Khun whined, but curled into Wooyoung’s open arms anyway. “And as I recall you were incredibly touched by my little gesture. You couldn’t stop gushing.”
“We’d been dating for like, a week, how could I not gush over such ridiculous sentimentality?” Wooyoung fingered the paper gingerly and smiled. “God, I still can’t believe it’s been over a year.”
“I know,” Nichkhun whispered, tugging Wooyoung closer.
“It feels like it’s been a decade!”
“Wooyoung!” Nichkhun pinched him playfully.
“Ow, I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” Wooyoung planted a kiss on Khun’s forehead. “Remember how we used to fight?”
“How could I forget?”
“Over every stupid little thing! Me grinding my teeth in bed, deciding how to tell the other members, you completely misunderstanding half of what I said.” Wooyoung giggled at the memory.
“It wasn’t that bad!” Nichkhun pouted.
“No, no, it wasn’t that bad,” Wooyoung squeezed him reassuringly. “The make up sex made it all worth it.”
Nichkhun laughed out loud. “Remember after the whole Minho debacle, when we broke your desk chair? Jeez, Jay was pissed.”
“That was pretty classic,” Wooyoung chuckled. “Or after the shampoo argument, when we knocked the glass out of the shower door.”
“Explaining that to Minjae Hyung was… interesting.”
“Yeah, well you were the one who wanted to keep going! ‘Youngie, let’s just finish, pleeease?’” Wooyoung mocked Nichkhun’s pleading tone.
Nichkhun hid his flushed face in the crook of Wooyoung’s neck. “Yeah, well I didn’t hear any complaints.”
“Oh you know me, I’m not one to whine,” he lifted Nichkhun’s face gently by the chin and pressed their lips together, softly at first, then tilting forward to deepen the kiss.
“Hey Khunnie,” he said softly. “You wanna fight? I’ll make it worth your while.”
Nichkhun forced a half-smile and looked away. “No more fighting, Youngie,” he whispered somberly. He slipped the wax paper out of Wooyoung’s fingers and brushed it softly against his lips. “Let’s put this away before we lose it.”
Wooyoung gently snatched the paper from Nichkhun, placed it on his lips and sucked.
“Yah! Youngie, you’re going to smudge the ink!” Nichkhun reached over to grab the paper with his fingers but Wooyoung snapped his head away.
“Mmm MMM!” he muffled, shaking his head no and beckoning Nichkhun toward him.
“You’re ridiculous,” Khun giggled. He leaned forward and sucked the paper from Wooyoung’s mouth. “Happy now?” He said with an amused grin.
Wooyoung scooped Nichkhun up in his arms, lifting him on top of his body. “Yeah, I am,” he sighed with a smile.
The moment was interrupted by Chansung’s loud knock at the door. “You guys better not be screwing in there!” He yelled from behind the door. “We leave for rehearsal in ten minutes and I need to grab my sweatshirt!”
“Aish! FINE, COME IN YOU BIG BABY!” Wooyoung screeched.
Chansung swung the door open with his eyes shut and lifted his lids slowly to find Nichkhun straddling Wooyoung. “GAAH! ...Oh… At least you have clothes on this time.”
Nichkhun turned around to scold the maknae but spotted Taec in the living room peering past the open door at the couple, his face crestfallen. He broke from Wooyoung’s embrace and stood up. “Come on Youngie, we have to get ready to leave.”
Wooyoung pouted in dismay, but got up to gather his belongings.
After an exhausting camera rehearsal, the band piled into the dressing room to change. Jay watched as Nichkhun walked out into the hallway to refill his water bottle and went charging after him.
“Hey Khun, wait up!” he jogged behind the boy.
Nichkhun turned around, “Needed a refill. What’s up?”
“Nothing… nothing. Just… wanted to see how you were doing.”
“I’m fine… thirsty, I guess?” Nichkhun was puzzled by the Jay’s anxious demeanor, but continued down the hallway.
Jay walked beside him. “Yeah, so… is everything… alright? Between you and Wooyoung? You know, your… relationship. Everything… okay… with that?”
Khun stopped suddenly in his tracks and turned toe to face Jay. He paused, glaring at the nervous leader. “You know, don’t you?”
“Know what?”
“Don’t play dumb with me Jay. Taec told you didn’t he?”
Jay bent his head forward and sighed. “Yeah, I know.”
“SHIT!”
“Oh, come on Khun! I’m not stupid. I knew something was up… I never in a million years would’ve guessed this… but still.”
“Fuck. Jay! You seriously can’t tell Wooyoung. You can’t tell anybody,” Nichkhun pleaded.
“Don’t worry, I already promised Taec I wouldn’t say anything.”
Nichkhun breathed a small sigh of relief. “Thank God.”
“But, I’m not sure how long I can keep that promise, Khun!” Jay warned. “God knows I don’t wanna be the one to break that kid’s heart, but I refuse to just sit back and watch you do it.”
Nichkhun averted his eyes, trying to hold back tears. “I know… you’re right. And I’m going to end this… whatever it is… between Taec and me.”
Jay looked up at Khun’s welling eyes. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”
“What do you mean?” Khun furrowed his eyebrows.
“Look, I’m hardly the expert on man on man loving, but… this thing between you and Taec… there’s gotta be something behind that right? It doesn’t just happen out of the blue.”
“Taec and I are friends, Jay.”
“You and I are friends, but I’ve never touched your penis!” Jay shuddered a bit at his own words.
“Taec is just… confused okay?”
“Yeah… Maybe,” Jay paused and took a breath. “Or maybe… he’s in love with you.”
Nichkhun felt his jaw slacken, and his heart skip. “Is that what he said?”
Jay grew silent, but Nichkhun didn’t need a response.
He leaned against the wall slumping down into a crouch. He looked up at Jay helplessly with tears in his eyes. “This is such a mess Jay. This is all just… such a fucking mess.”
A lump formed in Jay’s throat as he watched the tears stream down Nichkhun’s face. He crouched down in front of him and roughly stroked the back of his head. “We’ll get through it man,” he whispered. “We have to.”
Taec stalked the hallways looking for Nichkhun. He could barely concentrate during rehearsal, and with only an hour until the show started, he knew he had to speak to him, to get this off his chest, off of his mind. He heard his name being called as he hurried past the SNSD dressing room.
“Taec! There you are!” Yoona chirped, smiling brightly. Taec turned to look at her and forced a smile in return. She skipped into his arms and tugged playfully at his hoodie. “C’mere you dork. I want a kiss.”
He leaned down and planted a sweet half-hearted kiss on her smiling lips. “Listen-“ he began, but she interrupted him.
“No, you listen. I’ve got 10 minutes before camera rehearsal, so I expect a quality make-out session out of you.” She giggled, eyeing the halls suspiciously and pulled him into an empty, unmarked dressing room. Taec slumped backwards into a chair and Yoona bounced into his lap, kissing him sweetly.
Yoona’s lips were soft and familiar, and he could feel how much she loved him with every touch against his. She giggled softly into his mouth, running her slender fingers through his hair. Taec’s heart ached with guilt, holding her like this. Thoughts of Nichkhun penetrated his mind as he sat there, clutching Yoona’s waist, Khun’s hips, Khun’s lips, his tongue and mouth cluttered his brain. Taec felt like a fraud.
“Ok, what’s wrong?!” Yoona asked, breaking the kiss. “Are you not into this? Is something on your mind?” She held his face in her hands and peered down at him, concerned.
“No, I’m okay. Just- new choreography, I’ve been screwing it up lately, so I’m a little worried y’know? No biggie.”
“Aww, Oppa, don’t worry!” Yoona reassured warmly. “You’ll be great. You’re always great.”
Taec looked away from her, ashamed. “Thanks Yoona. Listen, I should find the other guys though, go over it to calm my nerves.”
“Of course, of course, go on!” Yoona stood up, fixing her clothes and hair. “I should probably get going too. Rehearsal.” She pecked him lightly on the nose and skipped out the door, turning around to wriggle a tiny fist in the air. “Fighting!” she sing songed and bounded down the hallway out of sight.
Taec slumped back down into his chair, his body had never felt heavier.
Nichkhun glanced at the open door as he rushed down the hallway, and stopped short in the frame. He walked in, nervously, and closed the door behind him.
“Taec,” he whispered, inching forward. “This whole thing is just…”
“I know,” Taec interrupted. “Trust me, I know.”
“I don’t want to hurt anyone. Not Wooyoung… and not you.”
Taec reached forward in his chair and grabbed Nichkhun by the waist, pressing his face against the boy’s warm body. Nichkhun halted momentarily but reached down to gently stroke his friend’s hair. Taec lifted his head and took a firm grasp of Nichkhun’s hand, planting messy, desperate kisses on his trembling palm. Taec rose from his chair slipping his fingers between Nichkhun’s along the way. He breathed deeply and slowly moved in to graze his lips gently against Nichkhun’s.
Nichkhun closed his eyes and parted his lips allowing Taec to nibble on them softly. Taec’s kisses traveled downward across Khun’s jaw, toward his chin and down across throat.
“Khun” he breathed onto his neck. “I love you.”
Nichkhun’s eyes overflowed with tears and he embraced Taec firmly.
“Taec I…” he began.
“I know,” Taec lifted his head up to meet Khun’s gaze and wiped the tears from his eyes. “You don’t feel the same way.”
Nichkhun slowly shook his head, no, peering into his friend’s hurt eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Me too,” Taec rasped, and crept out of the room and into the hallway, his eyes downcast, closing the door behind him. Nichkhun wept silently, in the unmarked dressing room, finally collecting himself in time to get dressed, apply his make up and put on a show.
After the show came the late night rehearsal, it was a regular routine, but it wore the members out nonetheless. The lagged into the dorm, exhausted, Jay and Junho played a lackluster rock-paper-scissors game over who would get to shower first, Junho won. Nichkhun and Wooyoung dragged themselves into Nichkhun’s bedroom and crawled into bed.
“Ugh, my feet are killing me!” Wooyoung cried out.
“Mine too babe. Foot rub time?”
Wooyoung croaked a lifeless, “Yay” and the two got into position, Wooyoung’s head at one end of the bed and Nichkhun at the other, their legs slung over the other’s chest, Nichkhun massaged the pads of Wooyoung’s foot while Wooyoung rubbed Nichkhun’s aching heel.
Wooyoung watched a bit worriedly as Nichkhun rubbed his foot, his mind clearly elsewhere. “Hey there light-fingers, why don’t you put your back into it eh?” He teased.
Nichkhun awoke from his daze. “Oh was that too soft? I’m really sorry,” he apologized and applied more pressure.
Wooyoung looked at him quizzically. “Wow, Khunnie your feet are really rank jeez!” he taunted again as he massaged.
“I’m sorry babe. I must’ve been sweating,” Khun replied and returned to his sad daze.
Wooyoung yanked his foot away from Nichkhun’s hands. “Okay what’s with you tonight?! Normally by now you would’ve been kicking me in the face!”
“Nothing…”
“Bullshit Khunnie, I know you,” Wooyoung caressed his foot reassuringly. “Just tell me. No secrets remember?”
Nichkhun swallowed the knot in his throat and slid his foot out of Wooyoung’s hand. He sat up a bit and breathed, Wooyoung followed suit, his face growing more concerned with every second.
Nichkhun’s lips trembled as he spoke. “I… I slept with someone, Youngie.” Tears streamed down his face as he blurted it out.
“You, what?”
“I slept with some…”
“I heard you the first time I just…” Wooyoung paused trying to catch his breath. “Who?”
Nichkhun dropped his head, the lump in his throat, rendering him temporarily mute.
“WHO?!” Wooyoung demanded.
“That’s not important, Youngie. The important thing is it’s over and…”
“I’LL DECIDE IF IT’S FUCKING IMPORTANT KHUN! WHO IS IT?!”
Nichkhun warbled through his tears as he spoke. “Taec… It’s Taec, Wooyoung.”
Wooyoung instantly felt dizzy. He slowly rose from the bed and stormed out of Nichkhun’s room.
“Wait… WOOYOUNG!” Nichkhun called after him and jumped up to follow him.
Wooyoung stormed past the living room, into Junsu and Taec’s room, where he found the two of them sleeping. He flicked on the light, bounded over to Taec’s bed and clutched him by his shirt.
“HOW MANY TIMES, TAEC?!” He screamed, jolting both boys awake.
“Huh?” Taec looked up at Wooyoung a bit confused at first.
“HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU FUCK MY BOYFRIEND TAEC?!”
Junsu nearly fell out of his bed. Wooyoung lifted Taec out of the bunk and slammed him against the wall. Taec gasped, surprised by the force the boy was able to summon.
“Listen, Wooyoung, calm down…”
“FUCK YOU TAEC! DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU FUCK MY BOYFRIEND BEHIND MY BACK? YOU PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT?!”
“It wasn’t like that Woo!” Taec firmly grasped the fists wrapped around his shirt collar, trying to free himself.
“YOUNGIE! STOP IT!” Nichkhun called after him. The rest of the group watched, mouths agape, from the doorway, including Junho, who had cut his shower short and was now standing in a towel with shampoo still dripping from his hair.
“ANSWER ME, YOU SPINELESS PRICK!”
“TWICE, OKAY?! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! AND IT WASN’T JUST MINDLESS FUCKING! I LOVE HIM WOOYOUNG!”
“YOU LOVE HIM?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT LOVE, TAEC?! YOU COME INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP AFTER A YEAR, SHIT ALL OVER IT AND CALL THAT LOVE?!”
Taec was fuming now, he pried Wooyoung’s hands off of him and pushed him away.
“I LOVED HIM FIRST WOOYOUNG!”
Wooyoung paused, eyeing Taec confused. “What?”
“I LOVED KHUN BEFORE YOU EVEN GAVE A SHIT ABOUT HIM! BEFORE YOU COULD EVEN TALK TO HIM! I KNOW HIM BETTER THAN YOU EVER WILL AND THAT’S A FACT!”
Wooyoung narrowed his eyes, visibly hurt. The dorm fell silent.
Taec moved to speak. “Look Wooyoung I…” he was interrupted by Wooyoung’s fist smacking hard against his jaw.
Taec fell back, holding his face. Wooyoung shook the pain of the blow from his knuckles. Nichkhun ran to take hold of Wooyoung, a moment too late and Jay, who’d been watching the whole thing as though in a daze moved to action, blocking Taec from retaliation. But Taec had no intention of retaliating.
“Get off of me Khun. Don’t fucking touch me!” Wooyoung escaped from Khun’s grip, pushed past the other members and stomped out the door into the apartment hallway. Jay followed after him.
He found Wooyoung slumped on the floor in the hallway, sobbing with his head in his hands.
“Wooyoung, you alright man?!”
Wooyoung looked up at Jay, his face hot with tears. “Can you believe this shit? Taec… of all people!”
Jay crouched down beside Wooyoung and slung his arm over his shoulder. “I know. I’m in shock too. When Taec told me I nearly shat myself…”
“Wait, a second… you knew about this?!”
“Wait…Wooyoung… let me explain…”
“You knew about this and you didn’t tell me?” Wooyoung glared at Jay in disbelief.
“I told Khun… I told them both that if they didn’t tell you soon…”
“YOU TALKED TO KHUN ABOUT THIS?! WHAT? WERE YOU ALL JUST LAUGHING ABOUT IT BEHIND MY BACK?!” Wooyoung shot up leaving Jay on the ground.
“No, Wooyoung, listen…!”
“I thought you were my friend, Jay. My brother!”
“I am Woo! But I’m also, their friend… and their leader!” Jay stood up, pleading.
“NO, JAY! YOU’RE NOBODY’S FRIEND! AND YOU’RE CERTAINLY NOBODY’S LEADER! YOU’RE JUST A TWO-FACED LITTLE COWARD! AND YOU KNOW IT!” Wooyoung stomped away and ran down the building stairs.
Jay walked back into the dorm to find Nichkhun standing directly in front of him, his eyes wide with worry.
“Where’s Wooyoung?! Where’d he go?” Khun questioned.
“HE LEFT, NICHKHUN! HE’S PISSED AT ME TOO, AND I DON’T BLAME HIM!” Jay clenched his fists and shook his head at Taec and Nichkhun. “I hope it was worth it guys. I really do.” Jay stomped into his room, slamming the door behind him.
Junho, Chansung and Junsu looked around the living room, stunned.
Taec and Nichkhun gazed somberly at one another, their palpable guilt creating a stale austerity in the air around them.
End of Chapter 3
Pairing(s): Taec/Khun, KhunYoung, Taec/Yoona
Rating: PG-13 (only this Chapter)
Genre: Romance, Drama, Humor
A/N: No porn this time kiddos, Sorry! I had to move the plot along lest I'm still writing this fic when I'm 80. I'll get you next chapter guys, promise. There's a good chunk of KhunYoung fluff though, to ensure that my fellow shippers don't disown me. And Yoona finally makes an appearance (short though it may be)! Comments, criticism etc. are very much appreciated.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Nichkhun crouched over his bed, spreading his freshly laundered comforter over the sheets. Wooyoung shuffled behind him, rifling through Khun’s desk drawer for his English book. He jerked back as he spotted a tiny piece of wax paper scribbled with messy Hangul.
“Well, look what I found!” he squealed. He sat down on the bed and handed it to Nichkhun.
“Oh, dear God,” Nichkhun sighed, covering his face when he realized what it was.
“Don’t be embarrassed… here, let me read it.” Wooyoung cleared his throat. “Wooyoungie, Merry Christmas. I think you like a souvenir? Kekeke. Love, Khun.”
“God, I had a lot of balls,” Khun said chuckling.
“And a terrible vocabulary,” Wooyoung added. “I still can’t believe you stole the kissing paper after filming. You’d be such a creep if you weren’t so gosh-darn adorable.” He planted a short, sweet kiss on Nichkhun’s lips and lay down on the bed.
“Youngie, I just finished making that bed,” Khun whined, but curled into Wooyoung’s open arms anyway. “And as I recall you were incredibly touched by my little gesture. You couldn’t stop gushing.”
“We’d been dating for like, a week, how could I not gush over such ridiculous sentimentality?” Wooyoung fingered the paper gingerly and smiled. “God, I still can’t believe it’s been over a year.”
“I know,” Nichkhun whispered, tugging Wooyoung closer.
“It feels like it’s been a decade!”
“Wooyoung!” Nichkhun pinched him playfully.
“Ow, I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” Wooyoung planted a kiss on Khun’s forehead. “Remember how we used to fight?”
“How could I forget?”
“Over every stupid little thing! Me grinding my teeth in bed, deciding how to tell the other members, you completely misunderstanding half of what I said.” Wooyoung giggled at the memory.
“It wasn’t that bad!” Nichkhun pouted.
“No, no, it wasn’t that bad,” Wooyoung squeezed him reassuringly. “The make up sex made it all worth it.”
Nichkhun laughed out loud. “Remember after the whole Minho debacle, when we broke your desk chair? Jeez, Jay was pissed.”
“That was pretty classic,” Wooyoung chuckled. “Or after the shampoo argument, when we knocked the glass out of the shower door.”
“Explaining that to Minjae Hyung was… interesting.”
“Yeah, well you were the one who wanted to keep going! ‘Youngie, let’s just finish, pleeease?’” Wooyoung mocked Nichkhun’s pleading tone.
Nichkhun hid his flushed face in the crook of Wooyoung’s neck. “Yeah, well I didn’t hear any complaints.”
“Oh you know me, I’m not one to whine,” he lifted Nichkhun’s face gently by the chin and pressed their lips together, softly at first, then tilting forward to deepen the kiss.
“Hey Khunnie,” he said softly. “You wanna fight? I’ll make it worth your while.”
Nichkhun forced a half-smile and looked away. “No more fighting, Youngie,” he whispered somberly. He slipped the wax paper out of Wooyoung’s fingers and brushed it softly against his lips. “Let’s put this away before we lose it.”
Wooyoung gently snatched the paper from Nichkhun, placed it on his lips and sucked.
“Yah! Youngie, you’re going to smudge the ink!” Nichkhun reached over to grab the paper with his fingers but Wooyoung snapped his head away.
“Mmm MMM!” he muffled, shaking his head no and beckoning Nichkhun toward him.
“You’re ridiculous,” Khun giggled. He leaned forward and sucked the paper from Wooyoung’s mouth. “Happy now?” He said with an amused grin.
Wooyoung scooped Nichkhun up in his arms, lifting him on top of his body. “Yeah, I am,” he sighed with a smile.
The moment was interrupted by Chansung’s loud knock at the door. “You guys better not be screwing in there!” He yelled from behind the door. “We leave for rehearsal in ten minutes and I need to grab my sweatshirt!”
“Aish! FINE, COME IN YOU BIG BABY!” Wooyoung screeched.
Chansung swung the door open with his eyes shut and lifted his lids slowly to find Nichkhun straddling Wooyoung. “GAAH! ...Oh… At least you have clothes on this time.”
Nichkhun turned around to scold the maknae but spotted Taec in the living room peering past the open door at the couple, his face crestfallen. He broke from Wooyoung’s embrace and stood up. “Come on Youngie, we have to get ready to leave.”
Wooyoung pouted in dismay, but got up to gather his belongings.
After an exhausting camera rehearsal, the band piled into the dressing room to change. Jay watched as Nichkhun walked out into the hallway to refill his water bottle and went charging after him.
“Hey Khun, wait up!” he jogged behind the boy.
Nichkhun turned around, “Needed a refill. What’s up?”
“Nothing… nothing. Just… wanted to see how you were doing.”
“I’m fine… thirsty, I guess?” Nichkhun was puzzled by the Jay’s anxious demeanor, but continued down the hallway.
Jay walked beside him. “Yeah, so… is everything… alright? Between you and Wooyoung? You know, your… relationship. Everything… okay… with that?”
Khun stopped suddenly in his tracks and turned toe to face Jay. He paused, glaring at the nervous leader. “You know, don’t you?”
“Know what?”
“Don’t play dumb with me Jay. Taec told you didn’t he?”
Jay bent his head forward and sighed. “Yeah, I know.”
“SHIT!”
“Oh, come on Khun! I’m not stupid. I knew something was up… I never in a million years would’ve guessed this… but still.”
“Fuck. Jay! You seriously can’t tell Wooyoung. You can’t tell anybody,” Nichkhun pleaded.
“Don’t worry, I already promised Taec I wouldn’t say anything.”
Nichkhun breathed a small sigh of relief. “Thank God.”
“But, I’m not sure how long I can keep that promise, Khun!” Jay warned. “God knows I don’t wanna be the one to break that kid’s heart, but I refuse to just sit back and watch you do it.”
Nichkhun averted his eyes, trying to hold back tears. “I know… you’re right. And I’m going to end this… whatever it is… between Taec and me.”
Jay looked up at Khun’s welling eyes. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”
“What do you mean?” Khun furrowed his eyebrows.
“Look, I’m hardly the expert on man on man loving, but… this thing between you and Taec… there’s gotta be something behind that right? It doesn’t just happen out of the blue.”
“Taec and I are friends, Jay.”
“You and I are friends, but I’ve never touched your penis!” Jay shuddered a bit at his own words.
“Taec is just… confused okay?”
“Yeah… Maybe,” Jay paused and took a breath. “Or maybe… he’s in love with you.”
Nichkhun felt his jaw slacken, and his heart skip. “Is that what he said?”
Jay grew silent, but Nichkhun didn’t need a response.
He leaned against the wall slumping down into a crouch. He looked up at Jay helplessly with tears in his eyes. “This is such a mess Jay. This is all just… such a fucking mess.”
A lump formed in Jay’s throat as he watched the tears stream down Nichkhun’s face. He crouched down in front of him and roughly stroked the back of his head. “We’ll get through it man,” he whispered. “We have to.”
Taec stalked the hallways looking for Nichkhun. He could barely concentrate during rehearsal, and with only an hour until the show started, he knew he had to speak to him, to get this off his chest, off of his mind. He heard his name being called as he hurried past the SNSD dressing room.
“Taec! There you are!” Yoona chirped, smiling brightly. Taec turned to look at her and forced a smile in return. She skipped into his arms and tugged playfully at his hoodie. “C’mere you dork. I want a kiss.”
He leaned down and planted a sweet half-hearted kiss on her smiling lips. “Listen-“ he began, but she interrupted him.
“No, you listen. I’ve got 10 minutes before camera rehearsal, so I expect a quality make-out session out of you.” She giggled, eyeing the halls suspiciously and pulled him into an empty, unmarked dressing room. Taec slumped backwards into a chair and Yoona bounced into his lap, kissing him sweetly.
Yoona’s lips were soft and familiar, and he could feel how much she loved him with every touch against his. She giggled softly into his mouth, running her slender fingers through his hair. Taec’s heart ached with guilt, holding her like this. Thoughts of Nichkhun penetrated his mind as he sat there, clutching Yoona’s waist, Khun’s hips, Khun’s lips, his tongue and mouth cluttered his brain. Taec felt like a fraud.
“Ok, what’s wrong?!” Yoona asked, breaking the kiss. “Are you not into this? Is something on your mind?” She held his face in her hands and peered down at him, concerned.
“No, I’m okay. Just- new choreography, I’ve been screwing it up lately, so I’m a little worried y’know? No biggie.”
“Aww, Oppa, don’t worry!” Yoona reassured warmly. “You’ll be great. You’re always great.”
Taec looked away from her, ashamed. “Thanks Yoona. Listen, I should find the other guys though, go over it to calm my nerves.”
“Of course, of course, go on!” Yoona stood up, fixing her clothes and hair. “I should probably get going too. Rehearsal.” She pecked him lightly on the nose and skipped out the door, turning around to wriggle a tiny fist in the air. “Fighting!” she sing songed and bounded down the hallway out of sight.
Taec slumped back down into his chair, his body had never felt heavier.
Nichkhun glanced at the open door as he rushed down the hallway, and stopped short in the frame. He walked in, nervously, and closed the door behind him.
“Taec,” he whispered, inching forward. “This whole thing is just…”
“I know,” Taec interrupted. “Trust me, I know.”
“I don’t want to hurt anyone. Not Wooyoung… and not you.”
Taec reached forward in his chair and grabbed Nichkhun by the waist, pressing his face against the boy’s warm body. Nichkhun halted momentarily but reached down to gently stroke his friend’s hair. Taec lifted his head and took a firm grasp of Nichkhun’s hand, planting messy, desperate kisses on his trembling palm. Taec rose from his chair slipping his fingers between Nichkhun’s along the way. He breathed deeply and slowly moved in to graze his lips gently against Nichkhun’s.
Nichkhun closed his eyes and parted his lips allowing Taec to nibble on them softly. Taec’s kisses traveled downward across Khun’s jaw, toward his chin and down across throat.
“Khun” he breathed onto his neck. “I love you.”
Nichkhun’s eyes overflowed with tears and he embraced Taec firmly.
“Taec I…” he began.
“I know,” Taec lifted his head up to meet Khun’s gaze and wiped the tears from his eyes. “You don’t feel the same way.”
Nichkhun slowly shook his head, no, peering into his friend’s hurt eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Me too,” Taec rasped, and crept out of the room and into the hallway, his eyes downcast, closing the door behind him. Nichkhun wept silently, in the unmarked dressing room, finally collecting himself in time to get dressed, apply his make up and put on a show.
After the show came the late night rehearsal, it was a regular routine, but it wore the members out nonetheless. The lagged into the dorm, exhausted, Jay and Junho played a lackluster rock-paper-scissors game over who would get to shower first, Junho won. Nichkhun and Wooyoung dragged themselves into Nichkhun’s bedroom and crawled into bed.
“Ugh, my feet are killing me!” Wooyoung cried out.
“Mine too babe. Foot rub time?”
Wooyoung croaked a lifeless, “Yay” and the two got into position, Wooyoung’s head at one end of the bed and Nichkhun at the other, their legs slung over the other’s chest, Nichkhun massaged the pads of Wooyoung’s foot while Wooyoung rubbed Nichkhun’s aching heel.
Wooyoung watched a bit worriedly as Nichkhun rubbed his foot, his mind clearly elsewhere. “Hey there light-fingers, why don’t you put your back into it eh?” He teased.
Nichkhun awoke from his daze. “Oh was that too soft? I’m really sorry,” he apologized and applied more pressure.
Wooyoung looked at him quizzically. “Wow, Khunnie your feet are really rank jeez!” he taunted again as he massaged.
“I’m sorry babe. I must’ve been sweating,” Khun replied and returned to his sad daze.
Wooyoung yanked his foot away from Nichkhun’s hands. “Okay what’s with you tonight?! Normally by now you would’ve been kicking me in the face!”
“Nothing…”
“Bullshit Khunnie, I know you,” Wooyoung caressed his foot reassuringly. “Just tell me. No secrets remember?”
Nichkhun swallowed the knot in his throat and slid his foot out of Wooyoung’s hand. He sat up a bit and breathed, Wooyoung followed suit, his face growing more concerned with every second.
Nichkhun’s lips trembled as he spoke. “I… I slept with someone, Youngie.” Tears streamed down his face as he blurted it out.
“You, what?”
“I slept with some…”
“I heard you the first time I just…” Wooyoung paused trying to catch his breath. “Who?”
Nichkhun dropped his head, the lump in his throat, rendering him temporarily mute.
“WHO?!” Wooyoung demanded.
“That’s not important, Youngie. The important thing is it’s over and…”
“I’LL DECIDE IF IT’S FUCKING IMPORTANT KHUN! WHO IS IT?!”
Nichkhun warbled through his tears as he spoke. “Taec… It’s Taec, Wooyoung.”
Wooyoung instantly felt dizzy. He slowly rose from the bed and stormed out of Nichkhun’s room.
“Wait… WOOYOUNG!” Nichkhun called after him and jumped up to follow him.
Wooyoung stormed past the living room, into Junsu and Taec’s room, where he found the two of them sleeping. He flicked on the light, bounded over to Taec’s bed and clutched him by his shirt.
“HOW MANY TIMES, TAEC?!” He screamed, jolting both boys awake.
“Huh?” Taec looked up at Wooyoung a bit confused at first.
“HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU FUCK MY BOYFRIEND TAEC?!”
Junsu nearly fell out of his bed. Wooyoung lifted Taec out of the bunk and slammed him against the wall. Taec gasped, surprised by the force the boy was able to summon.
“Listen, Wooyoung, calm down…”
“FUCK YOU TAEC! DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU FUCK MY BOYFRIEND BEHIND MY BACK? YOU PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT?!”
“It wasn’t like that Woo!” Taec firmly grasped the fists wrapped around his shirt collar, trying to free himself.
“YOUNGIE! STOP IT!” Nichkhun called after him. The rest of the group watched, mouths agape, from the doorway, including Junho, who had cut his shower short and was now standing in a towel with shampoo still dripping from his hair.
“ANSWER ME, YOU SPINELESS PRICK!”
“TWICE, OKAY?! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! AND IT WASN’T JUST MINDLESS FUCKING! I LOVE HIM WOOYOUNG!”
“YOU LOVE HIM?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT LOVE, TAEC?! YOU COME INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP AFTER A YEAR, SHIT ALL OVER IT AND CALL THAT LOVE?!”
Taec was fuming now, he pried Wooyoung’s hands off of him and pushed him away.
“I LOVED HIM FIRST WOOYOUNG!”
Wooyoung paused, eyeing Taec confused. “What?”
“I LOVED KHUN BEFORE YOU EVEN GAVE A SHIT ABOUT HIM! BEFORE YOU COULD EVEN TALK TO HIM! I KNOW HIM BETTER THAN YOU EVER WILL AND THAT’S A FACT!”
Wooyoung narrowed his eyes, visibly hurt. The dorm fell silent.
Taec moved to speak. “Look Wooyoung I…” he was interrupted by Wooyoung’s fist smacking hard against his jaw.
Taec fell back, holding his face. Wooyoung shook the pain of the blow from his knuckles. Nichkhun ran to take hold of Wooyoung, a moment too late and Jay, who’d been watching the whole thing as though in a daze moved to action, blocking Taec from retaliation. But Taec had no intention of retaliating.
“Get off of me Khun. Don’t fucking touch me!” Wooyoung escaped from Khun’s grip, pushed past the other members and stomped out the door into the apartment hallway. Jay followed after him.
He found Wooyoung slumped on the floor in the hallway, sobbing with his head in his hands.
“Wooyoung, you alright man?!”
Wooyoung looked up at Jay, his face hot with tears. “Can you believe this shit? Taec… of all people!”
Jay crouched down beside Wooyoung and slung his arm over his shoulder. “I know. I’m in shock too. When Taec told me I nearly shat myself…”
“Wait, a second… you knew about this?!”
“Wait…Wooyoung… let me explain…”
“You knew about this and you didn’t tell me?” Wooyoung glared at Jay in disbelief.
“I told Khun… I told them both that if they didn’t tell you soon…”
“YOU TALKED TO KHUN ABOUT THIS?! WHAT? WERE YOU ALL JUST LAUGHING ABOUT IT BEHIND MY BACK?!” Wooyoung shot up leaving Jay on the ground.
“No, Wooyoung, listen…!”
“I thought you were my friend, Jay. My brother!”
“I am Woo! But I’m also, their friend… and their leader!” Jay stood up, pleading.
“NO, JAY! YOU’RE NOBODY’S FRIEND! AND YOU’RE CERTAINLY NOBODY’S LEADER! YOU’RE JUST A TWO-FACED LITTLE COWARD! AND YOU KNOW IT!” Wooyoung stomped away and ran down the building stairs.
Jay walked back into the dorm to find Nichkhun standing directly in front of him, his eyes wide with worry.
“Where’s Wooyoung?! Where’d he go?” Khun questioned.
“HE LEFT, NICHKHUN! HE’S PISSED AT ME TOO, AND I DON’T BLAME HIM!” Jay clenched his fists and shook his head at Taec and Nichkhun. “I hope it was worth it guys. I really do.” Jay stomped into his room, slamming the door behind him.
Junho, Chansung and Junsu looked around the living room, stunned.
Taec and Nichkhun gazed somberly at one another, their palpable guilt creating a stale austerity in the air around them.
End of Chapter 3