Lost The Sence of Fear
I Love when my little sister awakens in the middle of the night, I sleep light so I can hear her, I go in her room and just hold her, I tell her that everything is ok... And being the great brother I am... I let her watch tv... because it rots the mind and I dont want her to be too smart huh... I wrote some letters to someone, But I havn't the nerve to give them to her... I can't talk very well sometimes. I make no sence to my self as I speak right now. Sometimes, I find my self talking to people that I know hate me. If only I could change there minds. Hate is harsh I think. I don't feel it for anyone or anything. Never really have I guess. My mother being the exeption, I think it girls all together, My mother has said in a court of law she wants nothing more to do with me. I will just accept it. Now I find that every girl feels the same as my mother. I can imagine being a girl, I see my girl image of me. She is giving me a hug, but only to get her hand wielding knife near my back... Sometimes I want to tell my self just to leave others alone. But I need to talk to other people, I need something. I find it where I can. That Longing for Love... I have a problem, Some people would call it a gift because they hate love, But I Love to Love... and I have Nothing and No one to love. My mother, well you know that. My dad... well not really a role model for love there. my sister is all I have, she doesn't talk yet, But I still tell her I love her everyday. I can't wait till school starts, Hopefully It will be just like last year, I will arrive at school just as the bell rings, So I miss all the socialization, I try hard to not sit near a soul, Damn teachers and there seating charts, I like to sit in the front of the class. So I can pretend I'm the only person there. Other people wish I was the only person gone... I don't blame them, I like keeping to my self when I can. At lunch I wished I could sit alone. I rarely ate. My favorite thing about school is the silence during a test. No one insulting me, Just me... doodling on my paper... I heart the Teacher.. I'd put that, never helped my grade I think. But I tried. I don't know who Im kidding, I hated last year, constantly finding my self un befriended and alone... I try to make friends, I can hold a single conversation, after that Im nothing though. I want so desperately to fit in here.... I often see my self in the mirror, I just want to let everyone know, I dont blame you. I blame myself.