he is more like spiderman than you will ever, ever be
In the midst of my degeneracy, I re-discovered an unfinished document on my laptop from last summer called "spiderseabs," based on the premise that Brent Seabrook is actually Spiderman. It probably won't get finished, since I forgot it even existed, but here it is, posted for posterity in all its unfinished eight hundred and seventy-seven word glory.
(In which Brent Seabrook is Spiderman, Jonathan Toews is his damsel in distress, and Patrick Kane eats a lot of fried chicken.)
-
"Dude, they're making another movie about you," Pat says, barging into Brent's house. Brent wonders, not for the first time, why he had okayed having a bunch of teammates stay with him in B.C. for the summer and blames it on post-concussion syndrome.
When he doesn't answer immediately, Pat takes this as his cue to barrel on: "And they hired some blonde chick to play Jonny - you know, the hot firecrotch from Zombieland? He's going to be so mad when he finds out."
Brent frowns under his mask on his way out the door, because the real Spiderman never rests, and Jonny seems to keep getting abducted by goblins these days - what is it with British Columbia and the dastardedly repeated kidnappings of Jonathan Toews, anyway?
"When will Hollywood understand?" he finally says, sighing out the weight of the wrold. "Super-heroing is serious business."
Pat nods. "Preach. Also, hey, if you're leaving anyway to save Jonny, or whatever, can you bring back some KFC? I'm fucking starving."
---
It's probably Pat's fault. Then again, these types of things are almost always Pat's fault, so realistcally, why not blame him? Brent really should know better than be surprised by this juncture of their friendship.
("Look at this huge-ass spider I found, Seabs!" Pat had said excitedly, pointing at the admittedly massive spider that was just kind of hanging out in his bathroom sink.
"Arrrrgh!" Brent had replied, when the previously calm arachnid had suddenly whipped itself into a frenzy and bit Brent.)
"Can I be your sidekick?" Pat whines a little, his face turning red from where he's hanging upside down on the couch.
Brent pauses his game of Mario Kart to half-heartedly glare at him in a way that probably means 'yes, you asshole.'
Pat sighs. "Should I go find a spider to bite me too?"
"Nah," Brent says; can't help the grin that his face cracks into. "You can be the Wonder Kid: you cause contact highs and eat insane amounts of fried chicken."
Mollified, Pat scramles back into an upright position. "I do love fried chicken," he declares passionately. And then: "I am sorry you got bit by a freak spider."
"S'okay," Brent says easily. He punches Pat in the arm, purposefully aware of his newfound super-strength. "You're still my boy, Kaner."
"Does that mean we can have some KFmotherfuckingC for lunch?" Pat asks hopefully. "Your Disney Princess girlfriend threw out the leftovers."
"Jonny's not a Disney Princess," Brent says, distracted by the dilemma of whether they should drive or swing to their friend chicken lunch. Drive, he thinks: with great power comes great responsibility, and fried chicken cravings probably don't count as an emergency, rescue or necessity, so Brent reaches for his car keys and gives himself a mental pat on the back for his superior problem solving skills.
---
Here's the thing: not only is Brent a hockey player and a part-time superhero, thanks, there are other important things in his life too, okay? He's a busy guy. This is his justification for leaving Pat and Jonny alone in his apartment for three hours on a Thursday afternoon while he visits his Grampy Ben and Nana May ("Seriously?" Pat says snickering) on the other side of town.
When he gets home, he can hear the loud bickering before he even steps into the unit.
"For the last fucking time, Kaner," Jonny's shouting. "I don't look like the chick from Easy A!"
"Stop throwing out my fried chicken!" Pat yells over him.
"It's so bad for you! Why don't you just deep fry some butter and dip it in barbeque sauce?" Jonny retorts loudly.
(Secretly, Brent thinks that sounds delicious. He makes a mental note to never tell Jonny this. Ever.)
"Um...what?" Brent says brilliantly, instead, when he walks into the room, taking in the two sitting on his couch with Brent's battered laptop between them.
"Research," Pat says cryptically, and the shoves the computer at Brent. "Look."
Brent drops onto the couch half-on Jonny ("Hey!" he says, but his attempt at shoving him off is only half-hearted) and stares at the Wikipedia page open in from of him "What am I looking at?"
"It's the guy who's playing you. I mean, Spiderman," Pat explains, "Check it out!"
Without even turning around, Brent knows Jonny's rolling his eyes, but complies anyway. He reads slowly, his eyes lighting up almost immediately. "Hey, they got the hair right! Oh, and look: this guy's from Surrey! That's only like thirty minutes away from here!"
"Seabs," Jonny says, in the voice he always reserves for situations when he feels like his patience is being tested. "They mean the one in England."
Brent looks up, surprised: "Hold the phone - there's a Surrey in England?!"
"I know, right?" Pat says, head bobbing in earnest. "I didn't know that either!"
"You're both dumbasses," Jonny tells them seriously, but can't help the fond smile quirking at the corners of his mouth.
---
"Seriously, Duncs? You're doing this? You're supposed to be my best friend!"
"And now, I am you worst enemy!" Duncan declares diabolically, cackling with maniacal laughter.
("Nothing personal, Seabs," Duncan tells him, later, over a couple of beers. "I just happen to find spiders kind of disgusting.")
(In which Brent Seabrook is Spiderman, Jonathan Toews is his damsel in distress, and Patrick Kane eats a lot of fried chicken.)
-
"Dude, they're making another movie about you," Pat says, barging into Brent's house. Brent wonders, not for the first time, why he had okayed having a bunch of teammates stay with him in B.C. for the summer and blames it on post-concussion syndrome.
When he doesn't answer immediately, Pat takes this as his cue to barrel on: "And they hired some blonde chick to play Jonny - you know, the hot firecrotch from Zombieland? He's going to be so mad when he finds out."
Brent frowns under his mask on his way out the door, because the real Spiderman never rests, and Jonny seems to keep getting abducted by goblins these days - what is it with British Columbia and the dastardedly repeated kidnappings of Jonathan Toews, anyway?
"When will Hollywood understand?" he finally says, sighing out the weight of the wrold. "Super-heroing is serious business."
Pat nods. "Preach. Also, hey, if you're leaving anyway to save Jonny, or whatever, can you bring back some KFC? I'm fucking starving."
---
It's probably Pat's fault. Then again, these types of things are almost always Pat's fault, so realistcally, why not blame him? Brent really should know better than be surprised by this juncture of their friendship.
("Look at this huge-ass spider I found, Seabs!" Pat had said excitedly, pointing at the admittedly massive spider that was just kind of hanging out in his bathroom sink.
"Arrrrgh!" Brent had replied, when the previously calm arachnid had suddenly whipped itself into a frenzy and bit Brent.)
"Can I be your sidekick?" Pat whines a little, his face turning red from where he's hanging upside down on the couch.
Brent pauses his game of Mario Kart to half-heartedly glare at him in a way that probably means 'yes, you asshole.'
Pat sighs. "Should I go find a spider to bite me too?"
"Nah," Brent says; can't help the grin that his face cracks into. "You can be the Wonder Kid: you cause contact highs and eat insane amounts of fried chicken."
Mollified, Pat scramles back into an upright position. "I do love fried chicken," he declares passionately. And then: "I am sorry you got bit by a freak spider."
"S'okay," Brent says easily. He punches Pat in the arm, purposefully aware of his newfound super-strength. "You're still my boy, Kaner."
"Does that mean we can have some KFmotherfuckingC for lunch?" Pat asks hopefully. "Your Disney Princess girlfriend threw out the leftovers."
"Jonny's not a Disney Princess," Brent says, distracted by the dilemma of whether they should drive or swing to their friend chicken lunch. Drive, he thinks: with great power comes great responsibility, and fried chicken cravings probably don't count as an emergency, rescue or necessity, so Brent reaches for his car keys and gives himself a mental pat on the back for his superior problem solving skills.
---
Here's the thing: not only is Brent a hockey player and a part-time superhero, thanks, there are other important things in his life too, okay? He's a busy guy. This is his justification for leaving Pat and Jonny alone in his apartment for three hours on a Thursday afternoon while he visits his Grampy Ben and Nana May ("Seriously?" Pat says snickering) on the other side of town.
When he gets home, he can hear the loud bickering before he even steps into the unit.
"For the last fucking time, Kaner," Jonny's shouting. "I don't look like the chick from Easy A!"
"Stop throwing out my fried chicken!" Pat yells over him.
"It's so bad for you! Why don't you just deep fry some butter and dip it in barbeque sauce?" Jonny retorts loudly.
(Secretly, Brent thinks that sounds delicious. He makes a mental note to never tell Jonny this. Ever.)
"Um...what?" Brent says brilliantly, instead, when he walks into the room, taking in the two sitting on his couch with Brent's battered laptop between them.
"Research," Pat says cryptically, and the shoves the computer at Brent. "Look."
Brent drops onto the couch half-on Jonny ("Hey!" he says, but his attempt at shoving him off is only half-hearted) and stares at the Wikipedia page open in from of him "What am I looking at?"
"It's the guy who's playing you. I mean, Spiderman," Pat explains, "Check it out!"
Without even turning around, Brent knows Jonny's rolling his eyes, but complies anyway. He reads slowly, his eyes lighting up almost immediately. "Hey, they got the hair right! Oh, and look: this guy's from Surrey! That's only like thirty minutes away from here!"
"Seabs," Jonny says, in the voice he always reserves for situations when he feels like his patience is being tested. "They mean the one in England."
Brent looks up, surprised: "Hold the phone - there's a Surrey in England?!"
"I know, right?" Pat says, head bobbing in earnest. "I didn't know that either!"
"You're both dumbasses," Jonny tells them seriously, but can't help the fond smile quirking at the corners of his mouth.
---
"Seriously, Duncs? You're doing this? You're supposed to be my best friend!"
"And now, I am you worst enemy!" Duncan declares diabolically, cackling with maniacal laughter.
("Nothing personal, Seabs," Duncan tells him, later, over a couple of beers. "I just happen to find spiders kind of disgusting.")