Last Month In Ridiculous Romance
I'm back to entertain you with another Ridiculous Romance Round-Up! As ever, blurbs are stolen from Amazon because that's not the part I want to snark. It's probably a good idea to assume there are spoilers behind the cut, and it's probably a good idea to assume I might make fun of tepid sex scenes. Ready? Let's begin!
Two Against the Odds (Joan Kilby). This was dumb. It didn't actively enrage me, but it was dumb.
"You're being audited."
That's hardly his most winning opening line, but Rafe Ellersley isn't here to make friends. He'd promised himself--and his boss--that this audit would be different. This time, he would be the consummate Australian Tax Office investigator. Cool, detached, professional. He'd bring Lexie Thatcher, tax-dodging artisan, to justice with ruthless efficiency. No more bending the rules. It's the only way to save his job.
But Lexie proves a far greater challenge than he's been prepped for. Her world is a crazy canvas of chaos and confusion, complexity and color, unlike anything he's ever known. So who can really blame a tax guy like him for what happens next...
RIDICULOUS ROMANCE TROPES!
+ Professional Boundaries Are Permeable - When you work for the Australian Revenue Service (or your country's equivalent), you should always screw the people you're auditing. This is completely acceptable and will never cause problems for you later on, especially not something on the level of the auditee showing up at your supervisor's office and informing him that she's pregnant with your child. That just is not possible.
+ How Is Sekrit Babby Formed - Lexie seems to have a good relationship with her parents, or at least her mom, and to be close to her brothers and sister, so I just find it really difficult to believe that she was the only one who knew she was pregnant at 17. Even if she lived in a different city (or state), didn't she have some contact with her family? I mean, I know that driving clear across Australia is an undertaking, but I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't have called or sent letters or e-mailed.
+ Too Stupid To Live - Lexie. Jesus Christ. Most of the people I'm close to are creative in various ways, and many of us are creative for a living, or are working towards being able to be creative for a living. Maybe water just seeks its own level, but we can all wipe our own asses. I'm disinclined to give Lexie that much credit.
+ Baybeevangelists - I warmed to Rafe when he told Lexie's sister, at the wedding party, that he didn't like children. The response he got was something like the Grand Inquisition: ZOMG ARE YOU A CHILD-HATER???? BAAAAYYYYBEEEEZ IS THE GREATEST JOY IN LIFE! PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE BAAAAYYYYYBEEEEZ ARE MISERABLE SONS OF BITCHES!
I really hate this TWOO WUV ALWAYS EQUALS BAAAYYYBEEEEZ! trope, because the implication is that people who cannot or do not have children are somehow not really in love or committed to each other (or that we're SELFISH OMG, because knowing what you can and cannot handle is clearly just pigheaded selfishness. Oh, and couples who struggle with infertility are always tragic and to be pitied. Unless, of course, they decide that trying to conceive is too draining emotionally and/or financially, so let's take a break for now, and then they're just SELFISH OMG because their entire lives don't revolve around reproducing).
I am, occasionally, a miserable son of a bitch. But not nearly as much of one as I would be had I reproduced.
+ It's All About Sex, Sex, Sex - If even Lexie is admitting it, you know it's true.
+ Basic Math Is Hard Okay - At one point, Rafe comes to the horrific realization that due to the twelve-year age difference between himself and Lexie, when he's fifty, she's going to be...SIXTY-TWO OMG. Believe it or not, there comes a point when the age gap matters much less than you might think, as you'll know if you've survived to be a certain age.
+ There's A Tiny Good Bit - Lexie miscarries the Sekrit Babby (it is subsequently revealed that she terminated her first pregnancy, and I can't really snark her wondering if her miscarriage is some kind of divine punishment; I don't agree that it is, obv, but I can see where that line of thought would come from). Rafe brings her a couple of jizo statues after reading about mizuko kuyo, and the scene in which they set up the statues in her yard is, honestly, pretty sweet.
+ But Did You Read The Prequels? - Lexie's brother and sister-in-law are recently married, and in a fashion that makes me think there's probably another book out there about them, lurking in the depths of the library. I will find it, and it too will not escape.
Blood Calls (Caridad Piñeiro). Neutral.
THE SCENT OF BLOOD LURED HIM...
But for vampire Diego Rivera, Ramona Escobar's sensuality proved even more potent. He had to resist--for there could be no such thing as love for him. Five centuries ago Diego had vowed never to turn another with the bite of the undead. And though Diego knew the dark underworld of New York was no place for a human, his unslaked desire commanded that Ramona be his for one night...
But when the artist's life was threatened by a reclusive millionaire who had used Ramona's skills to build a forgery ring, Diego needed to unleash his inner demon to save her. Then he was faced with a choice--lose the woman he loved...or turn her with a vampire's kiss.
RIDICULOUS ROMANCE TROPES!
+ Ain't No Panhandling Vamps Around Here - Diego is, of course, filthy stinking rich. Yes, as an immortal vampire, I suppose he does have all the time in the world to amass material wealth, but just once I would like to see a vampire who works in IT or construction or the sewage plant and doesn't let on that that's not tomato juice he's drinking.
+ Sassy Gay Sidekick - I'm reasonably sure this is supposed to be Julio, although it's never explicitly stated. The behavior just screams "'90s sitcom gay". I really had a problem connecting Sassy Gay Julio with Julio the immortal Spanish noble who turned Diego.
+ Virgin/Whore Dichotomy - At the beginning of the book, Diego goes to a vampire club and gets blown by a random chick whom we never see again; during the blowing, he wonders how she can debase herself in this fashion (because nice girls don't suck cock). She's a willing participant in the act and appears to be enjoying herself, so I'm not sure where the idea that this is somehow sordid comes from. Towards the end of the book, when Ramona's going down on him, it's hot and sexy and intense and Twooest Twu Wuv, etc, and there's no mention of debasement. Apparently, a blowjob is never just a blowjob when it's True Love.
+ Too Stupid To Live - Ramona has elements of this, in that she doesn't seem to even suspect until the art auction that she's been unwittingly forging masterpieces. Dude, wouldn't that occur to you, especially if it were as hush-hush as the entire operation seems to have been?
+ Underrepresented Minorities - I liked that most of the characters in this book are Hispanic, and that their heritage isn't exoticized or romanticized; it's just there. Most of the inhabitants of Romancelandia, in my experience, are standard Northern European stock, and it's nice to see something outside this mold. People who aren't white are in real life, and they should be in fiction, too.
+ But Did You Read The Prequels? - Apparently there's another book somewhere about Diana and Ryder. Okay, then.
Taming the Lost Prince (Raye Morgan). This one wasn't rage-inducing either, but it was still dumb.
An experienced fighter pilot, Max Arragen became a hero--and then a prince. He had no desire to celebrate his long-lost royal status, but he accepted it...until it was suggested he should marry.
Kayla Mandrake was brought in to "tame" the new prince, but she didn't expect it to be Max, her late husband's best friend. The same man whose baby she had after a reckless--unforgettable--night of passion. How could she face him again...and tell him the truth about their child?
RIDICULOUS ROMANCE TROPES!
+ Immature Man-Children Are Sexy - Max's behavior is portrayed as a function of his being a daredevil at heart, and of his grief over his friend Eddie's death. Still, he does his duty with an extremely bad grace. It's just not convenient for him, you see.
+ The Big Misunderstanding Is Stupid - There's a variant of this with the "conflict". Mercuria, the bordering nation whose ruling house is as crazy as the day is long, sends Queen Pellea a "wanted: dead or alive" poster with Max's face on it, alleging that he stole an airplane, a horse, and a Historical Artifact. It turns out that the airplane was a gift for services rendered, and he did steal the horse BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT BELONGED TO A BLIND KID AND IT WAS GOING TO BE TAKEN AWAY FROM HER, but nobody has any idea where the fuck the historical artifact is, or what it might be. (Kayla notes that his jacket feels awfully heavy when she hangs it up, but does nothing with this information. OH MY SHIT.) It turns out that fifteen-year-old Princess Nadine of Mercuria has an unrequited crush on Max and slipped it into his jacket pocket so he would HAVE to come back to her, and her father, King Juomo, who is apparently unfamiliar with the whims of teenaged girls, thinks this is a brilliant plan and goes along with it. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.
+ The Heroes Fought The Villains. The Heroes Won - At absolutely no point did I feel like Kayla was in danger. One minute she's in prison, and about fifteen minutes later, the Ambrian Prince Brigade busts down the door and saves her. There was no suspense, and I didn't even think for a moment that anything bad was going to happen. So much for Exciting Denouements!
+ But Did You Read The Prequels? - From reading the blurbs, this is the last in a series of five or six books. The adventures and mésalliances of Princes Joe (!), Mykal (nobody in Romancelandia has a normal name), et al are probably floating around for future R3 posts.
+ Magic Baby Rays - Kayla wonders how it is that Max can't ZOMG FEEL THE CONNECTION between himself and her spawn, Teddy (who is far less loathsome than other children of Romancelandia). I don't know, it could have something to do with the fact that, oh, he thinks Teddy is the posthumous child of his dead friend? Because Kayla never told Max about the end result of their night of passion?
+ How Is Sekrit Babby Formed - What is it with goddamn secret babies? I can understand not telling a partner that you're pregnant if he's abusive and you're afraid that he might hurt/kill/severely incapacitate you/strong-arm you into an outcome for the pregnancy that is not what you want. But Kayla and Max are friends and have a long-established relationship; I can understand why she might feel guilty and embarrassed about one wild night when they were both grieving Eddie's death and didn't know their own minds. Surely, though, this was something they could have discussed?
Keeping Her Baby's Secret (Raye Morgan). I'm not gonna lie, I liked this one, so there's not a lot of snark below. Hopefully the foregoing made up for this.
"You can count on me. You don't have to be alone."
Diana Collins can't believe she's hearing these words from her former secret crush, Cameron Van Kirk. Popular, gorgeous and from the richest family in town, he was always out of her league.
Now Cameron's back after ten years, and he's telling Diana--who is pregnant and alone--that he wants to help her.
His duty is to his family dynasty. Hers is to her baby, whose secret she's keeping. What's Diana to do?
+ I'm Not Gonna Lie, I Liked This One - It was much better than Taming the Lost Prince. I liked the relationship between Cam and Diana, and I loved the fact that they were friends first (in several senses of that phrase). Also, Cam is a reformed immature man-child, which is much more appealing than a hero still in the throes of immature man-childhood.
+ The Big Misunderstanding Is Stupid - Diana refuses to talk about the baby's father, and Cam assumes (not unreasonably) that he's either not in the picture or will be returning. It turns out she underwent artificial insemination. Seriously? They're great friends and she couldn't tell him this?
More crap at a later date, no doubt.
Two Against the Odds (Joan Kilby). This was dumb. It didn't actively enrage me, but it was dumb.
"You're being audited."
That's hardly his most winning opening line, but Rafe Ellersley isn't here to make friends. He'd promised himself--and his boss--that this audit would be different. This time, he would be the consummate Australian Tax Office investigator. Cool, detached, professional. He'd bring Lexie Thatcher, tax-dodging artisan, to justice with ruthless efficiency. No more bending the rules. It's the only way to save his job.
But Lexie proves a far greater challenge than he's been prepped for. Her world is a crazy canvas of chaos and confusion, complexity and color, unlike anything he's ever known. So who can really blame a tax guy like him for what happens next...
RIDICULOUS ROMANCE TROPES!
+ Professional Boundaries Are Permeable - When you work for the Australian Revenue Service (or your country's equivalent), you should always screw the people you're auditing. This is completely acceptable and will never cause problems for you later on, especially not something on the level of the auditee showing up at your supervisor's office and informing him that she's pregnant with your child. That just is not possible.
+ How Is Sekrit Babby Formed - Lexie seems to have a good relationship with her parents, or at least her mom, and to be close to her brothers and sister, so I just find it really difficult to believe that she was the only one who knew she was pregnant at 17. Even if she lived in a different city (or state), didn't she have some contact with her family? I mean, I know that driving clear across Australia is an undertaking, but I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't have called or sent letters or e-mailed.
+ Too Stupid To Live - Lexie. Jesus Christ. Most of the people I'm close to are creative in various ways, and many of us are creative for a living, or are working towards being able to be creative for a living. Maybe water just seeks its own level, but we can all wipe our own asses. I'm disinclined to give Lexie that much credit.
+ Baybeevangelists - I warmed to Rafe when he told Lexie's sister, at the wedding party, that he didn't like children. The response he got was something like the Grand Inquisition: ZOMG ARE YOU A CHILD-HATER???? BAAAAYYYYBEEEEZ IS THE GREATEST JOY IN LIFE! PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE BAAAAYYYYYBEEEEZ ARE MISERABLE SONS OF BITCHES!
I really hate this TWOO WUV ALWAYS EQUALS BAAAYYYBEEEEZ! trope, because the implication is that people who cannot or do not have children are somehow not really in love or committed to each other (or that we're SELFISH OMG, because knowing what you can and cannot handle is clearly just pigheaded selfishness. Oh, and couples who struggle with infertility are always tragic and to be pitied. Unless, of course, they decide that trying to conceive is too draining emotionally and/or financially, so let's take a break for now, and then they're just SELFISH OMG because their entire lives don't revolve around reproducing).
I am, occasionally, a miserable son of a bitch. But not nearly as much of one as I would be had I reproduced.
+ It's All About Sex, Sex, Sex - If even Lexie is admitting it, you know it's true.
+ Basic Math Is Hard Okay - At one point, Rafe comes to the horrific realization that due to the twelve-year age difference between himself and Lexie, when he's fifty, she's going to be...SIXTY-TWO OMG. Believe it or not, there comes a point when the age gap matters much less than you might think, as you'll know if you've survived to be a certain age.
+ There's A Tiny Good Bit - Lexie miscarries the Sekrit Babby (it is subsequently revealed that she terminated her first pregnancy, and I can't really snark her wondering if her miscarriage is some kind of divine punishment; I don't agree that it is, obv, but I can see where that line of thought would come from). Rafe brings her a couple of jizo statues after reading about mizuko kuyo, and the scene in which they set up the statues in her yard is, honestly, pretty sweet.
+ But Did You Read The Prequels? - Lexie's brother and sister-in-law are recently married, and in a fashion that makes me think there's probably another book out there about them, lurking in the depths of the library. I will find it, and it too will not escape.
Blood Calls (Caridad Piñeiro). Neutral.
THE SCENT OF BLOOD LURED HIM...
But for vampire Diego Rivera, Ramona Escobar's sensuality proved even more potent. He had to resist--for there could be no such thing as love for him. Five centuries ago Diego had vowed never to turn another with the bite of the undead. And though Diego knew the dark underworld of New York was no place for a human, his unslaked desire commanded that Ramona be his for one night...
But when the artist's life was threatened by a reclusive millionaire who had used Ramona's skills to build a forgery ring, Diego needed to unleash his inner demon to save her. Then he was faced with a choice--lose the woman he loved...or turn her with a vampire's kiss.
RIDICULOUS ROMANCE TROPES!
+ Ain't No Panhandling Vamps Around Here - Diego is, of course, filthy stinking rich. Yes, as an immortal vampire, I suppose he does have all the time in the world to amass material wealth, but just once I would like to see a vampire who works in IT or construction or the sewage plant and doesn't let on that that's not tomato juice he's drinking.
+ Sassy Gay Sidekick - I'm reasonably sure this is supposed to be Julio, although it's never explicitly stated. The behavior just screams "'90s sitcom gay". I really had a problem connecting Sassy Gay Julio with Julio the immortal Spanish noble who turned Diego.
+ Virgin/Whore Dichotomy - At the beginning of the book, Diego goes to a vampire club and gets blown by a random chick whom we never see again; during the blowing, he wonders how she can debase herself in this fashion (because nice girls don't suck cock). She's a willing participant in the act and appears to be enjoying herself, so I'm not sure where the idea that this is somehow sordid comes from. Towards the end of the book, when Ramona's going down on him, it's hot and sexy and intense and Twooest Twu Wuv, etc, and there's no mention of debasement. Apparently, a blowjob is never just a blowjob when it's True Love.
+ Too Stupid To Live - Ramona has elements of this, in that she doesn't seem to even suspect until the art auction that she's been unwittingly forging masterpieces. Dude, wouldn't that occur to you, especially if it were as hush-hush as the entire operation seems to have been?
+ Underrepresented Minorities - I liked that most of the characters in this book are Hispanic, and that their heritage isn't exoticized or romanticized; it's just there. Most of the inhabitants of Romancelandia, in my experience, are standard Northern European stock, and it's nice to see something outside this mold. People who aren't white are in real life, and they should be in fiction, too.
+ But Did You Read The Prequels? - Apparently there's another book somewhere about Diana and Ryder. Okay, then.
Taming the Lost Prince (Raye Morgan). This one wasn't rage-inducing either, but it was still dumb.
An experienced fighter pilot, Max Arragen became a hero--and then a prince. He had no desire to celebrate his long-lost royal status, but he accepted it...until it was suggested he should marry.
Kayla Mandrake was brought in to "tame" the new prince, but she didn't expect it to be Max, her late husband's best friend. The same man whose baby she had after a reckless--unforgettable--night of passion. How could she face him again...and tell him the truth about their child?
RIDICULOUS ROMANCE TROPES!
+ Immature Man-Children Are Sexy - Max's behavior is portrayed as a function of his being a daredevil at heart, and of his grief over his friend Eddie's death. Still, he does his duty with an extremely bad grace. It's just not convenient for him, you see.
+ The Big Misunderstanding Is Stupid - There's a variant of this with the "conflict". Mercuria, the bordering nation whose ruling house is as crazy as the day is long, sends Queen Pellea a "wanted: dead or alive" poster with Max's face on it, alleging that he stole an airplane, a horse, and a Historical Artifact. It turns out that the airplane was a gift for services rendered, and he did steal the horse BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT BELONGED TO A BLIND KID AND IT WAS GOING TO BE TAKEN AWAY FROM HER, but nobody has any idea where the fuck the historical artifact is, or what it might be. (Kayla notes that his jacket feels awfully heavy when she hangs it up, but does nothing with this information. OH MY SHIT.) It turns out that fifteen-year-old Princess Nadine of Mercuria has an unrequited crush on Max and slipped it into his jacket pocket so he would HAVE to come back to her, and her father, King Juomo, who is apparently unfamiliar with the whims of teenaged girls, thinks this is a brilliant plan and goes along with it. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.
+ The Heroes Fought The Villains. The Heroes Won - At absolutely no point did I feel like Kayla was in danger. One minute she's in prison, and about fifteen minutes later, the Ambrian Prince Brigade busts down the door and saves her. There was no suspense, and I didn't even think for a moment that anything bad was going to happen. So much for Exciting Denouements!
+ But Did You Read The Prequels? - From reading the blurbs, this is the last in a series of five or six books. The adventures and mésalliances of Princes Joe (!), Mykal (nobody in Romancelandia has a normal name), et al are probably floating around for future R3 posts.
+ Magic Baby Rays - Kayla wonders how it is that Max can't ZOMG FEEL THE CONNECTION between himself and her spawn, Teddy (who is far less loathsome than other children of Romancelandia). I don't know, it could have something to do with the fact that, oh, he thinks Teddy is the posthumous child of his dead friend? Because Kayla never told Max about the end result of their night of passion?
+ How Is Sekrit Babby Formed - What is it with goddamn secret babies? I can understand not telling a partner that you're pregnant if he's abusive and you're afraid that he might hurt/kill/severely incapacitate you/strong-arm you into an outcome for the pregnancy that is not what you want. But Kayla and Max are friends and have a long-established relationship; I can understand why she might feel guilty and embarrassed about one wild night when they were both grieving Eddie's death and didn't know their own minds. Surely, though, this was something they could have discussed?
Keeping Her Baby's Secret (Raye Morgan). I'm not gonna lie, I liked this one, so there's not a lot of snark below. Hopefully the foregoing made up for this.
"You can count on me. You don't have to be alone."
Diana Collins can't believe she's hearing these words from her former secret crush, Cameron Van Kirk. Popular, gorgeous and from the richest family in town, he was always out of her league.
Now Cameron's back after ten years, and he's telling Diana--who is pregnant and alone--that he wants to help her.
His duty is to his family dynasty. Hers is to her baby, whose secret she's keeping. What's Diana to do?
+ I'm Not Gonna Lie, I Liked This One - It was much better than Taming the Lost Prince. I liked the relationship between Cam and Diana, and I loved the fact that they were friends first (in several senses of that phrase). Also, Cam is a reformed immature man-child, which is much more appealing than a hero still in the throes of immature man-childhood.
+ The Big Misunderstanding Is Stupid - Diana refuses to talk about the baby's father, and Cam assumes (not unreasonably) that he's either not in the picture or will be returning. It turns out she underwent artificial insemination. Seriously? They're great friends and she couldn't tell him this?
More crap at a later date, no doubt.