The Most Excellent and Lamentable Tragedie of the Internets
Jesus Christ. Did y'all miss me? (Ha! You probably didn't notice I was gone!) We've had no Internet for the past week, due to a tale of fuckery and woe, which is why all my posts have been goddamn Twitter.
Round 1: The local cable company, which we'll call Hindsight, comes out to do a cable check. While there, the tech informs the lolmom that we need some sort of contraption to get the best picture possible, and also that if she switches the phone service to Hindsight, she can save a couple of bucks.
Lolmom: lol k i liek saving $$$
l33: Uh, what are we going to do about the Int0rbuttz?
Lolmom: lol will keep w/AT&T. mite swich l8r tho. am only swiching ovr teh main fone #
l33: Well, you know best.
Lolmom: lol no i dont :D
I mean, shit, I don't know, I don't watch TV, and it's the lolmom's house and the cable and phone are in her name so I can't stop her anyway even if I had any emotional investment in anything other than continuing to enjoy pornography via the Int0rtubes.
Round 2: Lolmom fills out the paperwork and informs Hindsight that she only wants to switch the main line (hooked up to our home phone). We have a secondary line which at one time was usually hooked up to a fax, back in the days when I was an independent and then worked for STFU Bitch. Lolmom does not want to switch this line to Hindsight. Please remember this. It will come into play later.
Round 3: Tuesday! My day off! Hindsight chooses to show up between 1 and 4, the day when lolmom has to be at work early for a meeting.
Lolmom: lol plz u stay @ hoem while fone gaiz r here
l33: I kind of wanted to do some other stuff.
(At this point, the lolmom gives me a look which, following Hyperbole and a Half's lead, I shall call "I Am An Adorable Baby Animal Which Has Only Three Legs And Also A Brain Tumor", and I mumble some stuff about possibly hanging around.)
So Hindsight shows up. They run a line through our basement. They effectively hold me hostage in my home for, oh, about three or four hours, seriously. Then I sign what Behind The Counter has called the "tech wuz here" form and they leave. I then notice that the red DSL light on my modem is blinking, indicating a total absence of DSL, and I cannot get on the Int0rbuttz and it does not matter what I do and of course this coincides with a wild longing to see pictures of Toshiro Mifune. GOD DAMN YOU HINDSIGHT CABLE.
Once I manage to get all the snarliness out of my system, I call the lolmom at work and calmly inform her of this occurrence, and she goes all DDDDD:. It seems that Hindsight has switched both the main and the secondary lines, as opposed to only the main line, which is what the lolmom authorized.
In unrelated news, a water main bursts that evening and kills the water pressure while I am in the shower. I am delighted, especially when the toilet starts making phantom noises. Initially I thought they'd drilled through one of our pipes.
Round 4: Wednesday morning, the lolmom calls AT&T. Some of you may remember that I once told AT&T to eat a ballsack. I take that back (for now), because they are terribly helpful and switch our secondary line back and give us a discount because it's considered a new account, and then tell us that we should have Int0rbuttz connectivity restored by 8 p.m. on Friday.
Round 5: NO INTERNETS FOR TWO WHOLE DAYS, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT PORN. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH. It then occurs to me that if no Internet pr0n is the worst of my problems, and at the moment it is, I have it pretty good. This cheers me up.
Round 6: FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!! I spend most of the day reading, buying plants, and then potting said plants. When 8 p.m. rolls around, lolmom has left for work, and I decide to get on the Internet. The red DSL light is still flashing like mad and I can't get on the fucking Internet. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT, I DON'T EVEN. After a lengthy call to tech support and the exciting Adventures Of l33 On Hold, we discover that there is no dialtone on the secondary line and so of course we can't get DSL or Int0rbuttz. SHITE. The maintenance people are very sweet about it and tell me they will get someone out no later than Monday. At this point I've gone almost a week without Int0rbuttz, what's a few more days amirite.
Round 7: On Sunday, the lolmom and I come back from the Firefly, where we have gone for brunch, and find the AT&T truck parked in the driveway. INTERNETS!!!!! AT&T Guy determines that there is no problem with the line at the point of entry into the house, so we let him in to fiddle about. It turns out that Hindsight Cable just basically cut and spliced the holy living fuck out of some wires in the basement, which is what caused the dialtone on our secondary line to go out. (AT&T Guy: "Jesus, I'd probably be fired if I did that.") DSL is restored; I can in theory access the Internets; I can in practice access only the AT&T Has Found A Problem With Your Account page. Turns out we need to re-register, but the office I need to speak to is closed on Sundays. SHITE.
Also on Sunday, my CD player breathes its last. The word "balls" comes immediately to mind. I have weighed my priorities and decided that looking relatively sexy (to the extent that someone with the physique of a sack of potatoes can be said to look relatively sexy) for imperfectkatoru (and my own entertainment) the next time we get together is more important than my being able to hear music, so this situation will not likely be remedied for some time to come.
Round 8: After an hour of being on hold, here's the end result:
I have skimmed back entries but will not be responding because there's too much for me to shovel through. (Confidential to augustuscaesar: I looooooove yoooouuuu and hope your mum is okay. ♥)
There is another post coming up after this! Yay!
Round 1: The local cable company, which we'll call Hindsight, comes out to do a cable check. While there, the tech informs the lolmom that we need some sort of contraption to get the best picture possible, and also that if she switches the phone service to Hindsight, she can save a couple of bucks.
Lolmom: lol k i liek saving $$$
l33: Uh, what are we going to do about the Int0rbuttz?
Lolmom: lol will keep w/AT&T. mite swich l8r tho. am only swiching ovr teh main fone #
l33: Well, you know best.
Lolmom: lol no i dont :D
I mean, shit, I don't know, I don't watch TV, and it's the lolmom's house and the cable and phone are in her name so I can't stop her anyway even if I had any emotional investment in anything other than continuing to enjoy pornography via the Int0rtubes.
Round 2: Lolmom fills out the paperwork and informs Hindsight that she only wants to switch the main line (hooked up to our home phone). We have a secondary line which at one time was usually hooked up to a fax, back in the days when I was an independent and then worked for STFU Bitch. Lolmom does not want to switch this line to Hindsight. Please remember this. It will come into play later.
Round 3: Tuesday! My day off! Hindsight chooses to show up between 1 and 4, the day when lolmom has to be at work early for a meeting.
Lolmom: lol plz u stay @ hoem while fone gaiz r here
l33: I kind of wanted to do some other stuff.
(At this point, the lolmom gives me a look which, following Hyperbole and a Half's lead, I shall call "I Am An Adorable Baby Animal Which Has Only Three Legs And Also A Brain Tumor", and I mumble some stuff about possibly hanging around.)
So Hindsight shows up. They run a line through our basement. They effectively hold me hostage in my home for, oh, about three or four hours, seriously. Then I sign what Behind The Counter has called the "tech wuz here" form and they leave. I then notice that the red DSL light on my modem is blinking, indicating a total absence of DSL, and I cannot get on the Int0rbuttz and it does not matter what I do and of course this coincides with a wild longing to see pictures of Toshiro Mifune. GOD DAMN YOU HINDSIGHT CABLE.
Once I manage to get all the snarliness out of my system, I call the lolmom at work and calmly inform her of this occurrence, and she goes all DDDDD:. It seems that Hindsight has switched both the main and the secondary lines, as opposed to only the main line, which is what the lolmom authorized.
In unrelated news, a water main bursts that evening and kills the water pressure while I am in the shower. I am delighted, especially when the toilet starts making phantom noises. Initially I thought they'd drilled through one of our pipes.
Round 4: Wednesday morning, the lolmom calls AT&T. Some of you may remember that I once told AT&T to eat a ballsack. I take that back (for now), because they are terribly helpful and switch our secondary line back and give us a discount because it's considered a new account, and then tell us that we should have Int0rbuttz connectivity restored by 8 p.m. on Friday.
Round 5: NO INTERNETS FOR TWO WHOLE DAYS, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT PORN. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH. It then occurs to me that if no Internet pr0n is the worst of my problems, and at the moment it is, I have it pretty good. This cheers me up.
Round 6: FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!! I spend most of the day reading, buying plants, and then potting said plants. When 8 p.m. rolls around, lolmom has left for work, and I decide to get on the Internet. The red DSL light is still flashing like mad and I can't get on the fucking Internet. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT, I DON'T EVEN. After a lengthy call to tech support and the exciting Adventures Of l33 On Hold, we discover that there is no dialtone on the secondary line and so of course we can't get DSL or Int0rbuttz. SHITE. The maintenance people are very sweet about it and tell me they will get someone out no later than Monday. At this point I've gone almost a week without Int0rbuttz, what's a few more days amirite.
Round 7: On Sunday, the lolmom and I come back from the Firefly, where we have gone for brunch, and find the AT&T truck parked in the driveway. INTERNETS!!!!! AT&T Guy determines that there is no problem with the line at the point of entry into the house, so we let him in to fiddle about. It turns out that Hindsight Cable just basically cut and spliced the holy living fuck out of some wires in the basement, which is what caused the dialtone on our secondary line to go out. (AT&T Guy: "Jesus, I'd probably be fired if I did that.") DSL is restored; I can in theory access the Internets; I can in practice access only the AT&T Has Found A Problem With Your Account page. Turns out we need to re-register, but the office I need to speak to is closed on Sundays. SHITE.
Also on Sunday, my CD player breathes its last. The word "balls" comes immediately to mind. I have weighed my priorities and decided that looking relatively sexy (to the extent that someone with the physique of a sack of potatoes can be said to look relatively sexy) for imperfectkatoru (and my own entertainment) the next time we get together is more important than my being able to hear music, so this situation will not likely be remedied for some time to come.
Round 8: After an hour of being on hold, here's the end result:
I have skimmed back entries but will not be responding because there's too much for me to shovel through. (Confidential to augustuscaesar: I looooooove yoooouuuu and hope your mum is okay. ♥)
There is another post coming up after this! Yay!