LOL PRETZELS
Dear computer:
LOAD MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND, BITCH. JUST DO IT. I HAVE HAD A BUNCH OF WORK DUMPED ON ME THAT I CANNOT POSSIBLY FINISH TOMORROW, AND RIGHT NOW I JUST WANT TO LOOK AT GAEL.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
And now for something completely different, by request from dethorats: the H***** family's age-old pretzel recipe, which I think Mom actually clipped from a newspaper or sommat sometime in the late '70s or early '80s. This recipe can also make two loaves of rather good bread instead of 20 pretzels; if you do that, increase the cooking time to 30 or 35 minutes.
You will need: 2 cups milk
1 envelope active dry yeast
1/2 cup very warm water
1/2 cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1/4 cup vegetable oil
6 3/4 cups flour
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
3 tablespoons salt
1 egg
1 tablespoon water
4 teaspoons coarse salt (we use Morton's Kosher salt)
Scald milk by warming over low heat until small bubbles begin to form around sides of pan. Remove from heat, cool to lukewarm. Sprinkle yeast over warm water in a large bowl; stir to dissolve. Add sugar, one and one-half teaspoons salt, and oil. Add lukewarm milk.
Beat in three cups of the flour to make a smooth batter. Cover and let rise in a warm place until double in volume and bubbly, about forty-five minutes. Stir down batter. Mix baking powder with three more cups of the flour. Stir into batter, one cup at a time, to form a stiff dough.
Turn dough out onto a well-floured board; knead about five minutes until smooth and elastic, using only as much of the remaining flour as needed to prevent sticking. Lightly flour the board and roll dough out to a ten-by-sixteen inch rectangle. With a sharp knife cut into twenty strips, each sixteen inches long and one-half inch wide. With the palms of your hands, roll one strip back and forth on board or a table to form a twenty-four-inch-long strip. Holding one end of the strip in each hand, twist into a pretzel shape. [Note from l33: The recipe shows pictures; I think it's safe to assume you know what a pretzel looks like.]
Repeat with all strips. Let rise uncovered on lightly floured board for thirty minutes. When nearly ready, heat two quarts of water to boiling in a large saucepan; add three tablespoons salt and stir to dissolve. Using a large slotted spatula, lower one pretzel at a time into gently boiling water for two seconds; lift out and tilt to drain off water. Place pretzels one-half inch apart on a well-greased baking sheet.
Beat the egg with one tablespoon water and then brush lightly over each pretzel. Sprinkle with coarse salt. Bake at 400 F for eighteen to twenty minutes until crust is golden brown. Eat while warm or cool on wire racks.
Time-consuming, but deliciously worth it! :D