Glimpse of Truth (19/?) Take It in A Heartbeat
Title: Glimpse of Truth (19/?) Take It in A Heartbeat
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Character/Pairing: Doctor/Rose
Rating: Teen
Genre: AU, drama, angst
Summary: Pieces of their pasts.
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who.
Thanks: to momdaegmorgan for the beta.
Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4 (all ages version). Chapter 4 (adult version), Chapter 5,
Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13,
Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18
"I'm sorry," the Doctor murmured, hoping Rose hadn't caught him watching her. "I came in to escort you to lunch, but you were asleep, and--"
"And you couldn't resist a chance to watch me drool?"
Busted.
He smiled self-effacingly, knowing there were worse things to be caught doing. But she'd looked so peaceful and innocent that he couldn't have resisted even had a corulpo beast charged him. It was rare that he and Rose didn't fight or ignore one another these days, and observing her in a moment of quiet was... nice.
There'd been times he'd caught her watching him while he worked under the console or on a TARDIS part. Out on a planet, during a quiet lull in conversations.
She wasn't as innocent as she pretended.
They were still on shaky ground, but he was finding it less and less necessary to be on guard around her. Today was one of those days it seemed. He hoped.
He'd begun to wonder if they were gone for good.
"Not exactly," he murmured, straightening his tie and glasses. He could sense her feelings, feel them brush over him and realized that she was happy to see him... because she was bored silly.
Well, not the best reason, but he could work with it.
Pushing to his feet, he shoved his hands into his pockets and grinned at her, feeling a pleasant ache in his chest at the warm smile she sent him in return. "Feel up to a planet-hop? Since you're bored--and I'm brilliant because I just remembered about a fantastic planet that you'll love--we could go to Elechon and take in the lovely sites and sensations. And what sensations, Rose. This planet will make you--"
She waved her hand to halt him. "Babble later. What's so special about Elechon?" she yawned, lazily covering her mouth as she scooted to the edge of the bed, belly first.
"It's a planet covered in warm springs and geysers." He reached out, taking her arm and helping her to her feet, wondering just how big she planned on getting. Seven months in and she looked ready to drop a baby elephant. Glad she couldn't hear his thoughts, instead of the other way around, he settled his hand on her stomach, listening for the little gal.
His daughter.
"Told you about it before," he continued, feeling pleasant sensations flow against him. "It has soothing springs that... that soothe. Soothing waters, gentle rains. Rainbows everyday? Hm?"
Rose was still under his hand and he realized that he was touching her in that way that he'd been wanting to, but hadn't dared to without a reason. And here he was, just... touching her. Sensation-conversing with their baby.
Glancing down into her face, he felt her feelings rise up stronger than the baby's. They battered at him, though she was valiantly trying to block them from him. It didn't matter, her barriers were weak and scattered, nothing strong enough to keep him from feeling everything she was feeling.
Hurt. Caution. Distrust.
She didn't like the way he was touching her. Didn't want him to act like a father.
Hurt and shock went through him and he jerked his hand back, stepping away from her. "Sorry. Didn't mean to... manhandle you," he said bitterly, then drew in a breath and put on a smile to cover it. So much for the truce they'd begun. "So. Elechon?" He rocked from foot to foot, forcing a smile. She didn't want him. Didn't trust him. Didn't like him anymore. That was fine.
That was... fine.
Just fine.
Their life on the TARDIS was going to be interesting.
"No." She sat on the edge of the bed with a sigh, hand on her stomach, sagging down, looking defeated. "No, I don't want to run off to some planet where we can continue to ignore this thing. Us. The baby. All of it." She looked away and then back again. "He's dead, Doctor, and you have his memories. We need to talk about it, not keep ignoring it, hoping it all goes away or gets better on its own."
He wanted to snap back that she was the one ignoring it all.
Throughout the past few days, he'd done his best to approach her to discuss it. She'd seemed amenable after their discussion-- his discussion, about Donna.
She didn't hate him, he knew that much, but they weren't getting anywhere.
So, maybe a chat would be good.
He shoved his hands through his hair, resigned to the fact that the peaceful accord between them was quickly slipping away.
"I've tried, Rose. I've tried and tried and tried some more. I've talked 'til I'm blue in the face--and let me tell you that's not easy with my respiratory bypass system--but you don't want to accept the fact that I'm him, the same way you accepted that he was me."
Exhausted with his little outburst and the feelings between them that made them so ambivalent toward one another, he dropped to the bed beside her.
She turned to him, disbelief on her face.
"Is that what you think? That I accepted him as you?" She scoffed, shaking her head as if he'd said something incredibly stupid.
Humans, always thinking things were simpler than they were. It was complicated, he was complicated. All of this, everything was bloody complicated and she was turning it into a simple him or the other one argument.
She loved him, he knew she did. And he loved her. That was as simple as any of it got, and even that was more complicated than it seemed.
"Doctor, I fell in love with him as someone else, not just as a cheaper version of you." She stood up with some effort, but he refused to help her again. Grabbing clothes from her drawers and closet, she headed toward the bathroom. "He was you, but he was different. He might've looked like you and talked just like you--couldn't keep his gob shut at the best of times--had your brilliant mind, and your memories, but I loved what he'd become. Not what he used to be."
Sighing, knowing this would be just as hard as he'd thought, he fiddled with his tie, wondering why it couldn't ever go smoothly with her. "I'm glad--"
"He liked pears, you know." Her eyes shot to his. "And he wasn't rude. Didn't stick his fingers in other people's food." She tossed him a pointed look. "I loved him because of the man he was despite you."
She went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her with a finality that he didn't accept.
She wanted to talk, so they'd talk.
As soon as she came back out.
His anger ratcheted up as he waited for her to dress and wash up. He dropped to the bed, putting one leg over the other. Then dropped it back to the floor. Turned a bit and slid it up on her bed. Waiting.
He hated waiting.
Nervous for some reason, he jumped up to pace, anger beginning to dissipate as his impatience rose. She finally came back out a minute later, fully dressed, belly covered in a pink blouse that made her look like her namesake.
His impatience faded with the anger.
She was Rose, and he was the Doctor, and that was their baby. He could make it work, he could. He'd just need to try harder, and make her see reason.
She looked surprised that he was still there, but she didn't ignore him as he half expected. "He stayed," she said simply, repeating her words from before. That same accusation aimed at him for trying to leave her behind. "He wasn't afraid to spend his one and only life with me. Wasn't afraid to watch me grow old and die. He wasn't a coward."
The Doctor snorted and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Simple enough to do when you only have one life and you'll grow old too." He knew the words were defensive, and, even as he sniped them out, he saw her sharp look.
It softened a moment later, but not completely. "You've lost a lot of people, Doctor. I know. And he told me why you can't-- don't want to be with me, but don't make him out to be the coward."
Standing up slowly, he tried to push aside his anger, but it wouldn't go away. "It's not just an excuse, Rose. I'm the only one left. It's me and no one else. There was another-- another Time Lord--"
"I know," she whispered.
Frustration shot through him. This wasn't what he'd wanted to discuss. This wasn't what he felt was something he could share. Not now. Maybe ever. But apparently the other Doctor hadn't felt the same driving need to bury it as deep as he could.
Force it to scar over and then bury it some more.
"I'm not saying he was a coward, the other me. He was brave, living the human life. I could never do that. Not with all my memories intact." Every day of his life, until he had no more days or lives left, he would be that coward. "Did it once or twice--"
"I know. He told me. About all of it. Guess he shared his memories with both of us. Just... in a more literal sense with you."
Smiling uncomfortably, feeling it come out as more of a grimace, he buried it all down again. If the other him had shared everything with Rose, then the human Doctor had more than one up on him.
It wasn't his ideal situation, being this close, and yet so far away, from someone who knew more about him than anyone else. But if it was the only way to have Rose, he'd take it in a heartbeat, because he couldn't be without her anymore.
"I love you, Rose. And I want you-- I want us to be... I want you to stay here with me forever. And the baby."
Her eyes fixed on his as if she hadn't an inkling of his thoughts and how he felt. As if she didn't know. But she had to know, didn't she?
"So, Elechon?" he chirped.
Chapter 20
Author: sinecure - My master fic list
Character/Pairing: Doctor/Rose
Rating: Teen
Genre: AU, drama, angst
Summary: Pieces of their pasts.
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who.
Thanks: to momdaegmorgan for the beta.
Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4 (all ages version). Chapter 4 (adult version), Chapter 5,
Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13,
Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18
"I'm sorry," the Doctor murmured, hoping Rose hadn't caught him watching her. "I came in to escort you to lunch, but you were asleep, and--"
"And you couldn't resist a chance to watch me drool?"
Busted.
He smiled self-effacingly, knowing there were worse things to be caught doing. But she'd looked so peaceful and innocent that he couldn't have resisted even had a corulpo beast charged him. It was rare that he and Rose didn't fight or ignore one another these days, and observing her in a moment of quiet was... nice.
There'd been times he'd caught her watching him while he worked under the console or on a TARDIS part. Out on a planet, during a quiet lull in conversations.
She wasn't as innocent as she pretended.
They were still on shaky ground, but he was finding it less and less necessary to be on guard around her. Today was one of those days it seemed. He hoped.
He'd begun to wonder if they were gone for good.
"Not exactly," he murmured, straightening his tie and glasses. He could sense her feelings, feel them brush over him and realized that she was happy to see him... because she was bored silly.
Well, not the best reason, but he could work with it.
Pushing to his feet, he shoved his hands into his pockets and grinned at her, feeling a pleasant ache in his chest at the warm smile she sent him in return. "Feel up to a planet-hop? Since you're bored--and I'm brilliant because I just remembered about a fantastic planet that you'll love--we could go to Elechon and take in the lovely sites and sensations. And what sensations, Rose. This planet will make you--"
She waved her hand to halt him. "Babble later. What's so special about Elechon?" she yawned, lazily covering her mouth as she scooted to the edge of the bed, belly first.
"It's a planet covered in warm springs and geysers." He reached out, taking her arm and helping her to her feet, wondering just how big she planned on getting. Seven months in and she looked ready to drop a baby elephant. Glad she couldn't hear his thoughts, instead of the other way around, he settled his hand on her stomach, listening for the little gal.
His daughter.
"Told you about it before," he continued, feeling pleasant sensations flow against him. "It has soothing springs that... that soothe. Soothing waters, gentle rains. Rainbows everyday? Hm?"
Rose was still under his hand and he realized that he was touching her in that way that he'd been wanting to, but hadn't dared to without a reason. And here he was, just... touching her. Sensation-conversing with their baby.
Glancing down into her face, he felt her feelings rise up stronger than the baby's. They battered at him, though she was valiantly trying to block them from him. It didn't matter, her barriers were weak and scattered, nothing strong enough to keep him from feeling everything she was feeling.
Hurt. Caution. Distrust.
She didn't like the way he was touching her. Didn't want him to act like a father.
Hurt and shock went through him and he jerked his hand back, stepping away from her. "Sorry. Didn't mean to... manhandle you," he said bitterly, then drew in a breath and put on a smile to cover it. So much for the truce they'd begun. "So. Elechon?" He rocked from foot to foot, forcing a smile. She didn't want him. Didn't trust him. Didn't like him anymore. That was fine.
That was... fine.
Just fine.
Their life on the TARDIS was going to be interesting.
"No." She sat on the edge of the bed with a sigh, hand on her stomach, sagging down, looking defeated. "No, I don't want to run off to some planet where we can continue to ignore this thing. Us. The baby. All of it." She looked away and then back again. "He's dead, Doctor, and you have his memories. We need to talk about it, not keep ignoring it, hoping it all goes away or gets better on its own."
He wanted to snap back that she was the one ignoring it all.
Throughout the past few days, he'd done his best to approach her to discuss it. She'd seemed amenable after their discussion-- his discussion, about Donna.
She didn't hate him, he knew that much, but they weren't getting anywhere.
So, maybe a chat would be good.
He shoved his hands through his hair, resigned to the fact that the peaceful accord between them was quickly slipping away.
"I've tried, Rose. I've tried and tried and tried some more. I've talked 'til I'm blue in the face--and let me tell you that's not easy with my respiratory bypass system--but you don't want to accept the fact that I'm him, the same way you accepted that he was me."
Exhausted with his little outburst and the feelings between them that made them so ambivalent toward one another, he dropped to the bed beside her.
She turned to him, disbelief on her face.
"Is that what you think? That I accepted him as you?" She scoffed, shaking her head as if he'd said something incredibly stupid.
Humans, always thinking things were simpler than they were. It was complicated, he was complicated. All of this, everything was bloody complicated and she was turning it into a simple him or the other one argument.
She loved him, he knew she did. And he loved her. That was as simple as any of it got, and even that was more complicated than it seemed.
"Doctor, I fell in love with him as someone else, not just as a cheaper version of you." She stood up with some effort, but he refused to help her again. Grabbing clothes from her drawers and closet, she headed toward the bathroom. "He was you, but he was different. He might've looked like you and talked just like you--couldn't keep his gob shut at the best of times--had your brilliant mind, and your memories, but I loved what he'd become. Not what he used to be."
Sighing, knowing this would be just as hard as he'd thought, he fiddled with his tie, wondering why it couldn't ever go smoothly with her. "I'm glad--"
"He liked pears, you know." Her eyes shot to his. "And he wasn't rude. Didn't stick his fingers in other people's food." She tossed him a pointed look. "I loved him because of the man he was despite you."
She went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her with a finality that he didn't accept.
She wanted to talk, so they'd talk.
As soon as she came back out.
His anger ratcheted up as he waited for her to dress and wash up. He dropped to the bed, putting one leg over the other. Then dropped it back to the floor. Turned a bit and slid it up on her bed. Waiting.
He hated waiting.
Nervous for some reason, he jumped up to pace, anger beginning to dissipate as his impatience rose. She finally came back out a minute later, fully dressed, belly covered in a pink blouse that made her look like her namesake.
His impatience faded with the anger.
She was Rose, and he was the Doctor, and that was their baby. He could make it work, he could. He'd just need to try harder, and make her see reason.
She looked surprised that he was still there, but she didn't ignore him as he half expected. "He stayed," she said simply, repeating her words from before. That same accusation aimed at him for trying to leave her behind. "He wasn't afraid to spend his one and only life with me. Wasn't afraid to watch me grow old and die. He wasn't a coward."
The Doctor snorted and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Simple enough to do when you only have one life and you'll grow old too." He knew the words were defensive, and, even as he sniped them out, he saw her sharp look.
It softened a moment later, but not completely. "You've lost a lot of people, Doctor. I know. And he told me why you can't-- don't want to be with me, but don't make him out to be the coward."
Standing up slowly, he tried to push aside his anger, but it wouldn't go away. "It's not just an excuse, Rose. I'm the only one left. It's me and no one else. There was another-- another Time Lord--"
"I know," she whispered.
Frustration shot through him. This wasn't what he'd wanted to discuss. This wasn't what he felt was something he could share. Not now. Maybe ever. But apparently the other Doctor hadn't felt the same driving need to bury it as deep as he could.
Force it to scar over and then bury it some more.
"I'm not saying he was a coward, the other me. He was brave, living the human life. I could never do that. Not with all my memories intact." Every day of his life, until he had no more days or lives left, he would be that coward. "Did it once or twice--"
"I know. He told me. About all of it. Guess he shared his memories with both of us. Just... in a more literal sense with you."
Smiling uncomfortably, feeling it come out as more of a grimace, he buried it all down again. If the other him had shared everything with Rose, then the human Doctor had more than one up on him.
It wasn't his ideal situation, being this close, and yet so far away, from someone who knew more about him than anyone else. But if it was the only way to have Rose, he'd take it in a heartbeat, because he couldn't be without her anymore.
"I love you, Rose. And I want you-- I want us to be... I want you to stay here with me forever. And the baby."
Her eyes fixed on his as if she hadn't an inkling of his thoughts and how he felt. As if she didn't know. But she had to know, didn't she?
"So, Elechon?" he chirped.
Chapter 20