Passings and the new year
This is not the easiest time here.
The biggest thing is my dog- she is old and, I think, in pain. I am spending more time helping her up and down stairs, or just carrying her. Her ability to get out to evacuate is limited and I am cleaning up a lot of messes. I washed her bedding a couple of times with bleach, but it still seemed like there was a urine smell in my room.
She lies until I make her get up. When I touch her side, she flinches. Her hips are bad, but I don't know where the other pain is. This is the one factor which makes me think it is time to bring her in to "go to sleep".
Woby is 14 years old now, and she has been with me for most of that time. I have been around a lot the past year, partly because it is hard to leave her alone in her condition. I think it is a good time for her to go.
Other passings I got news the day after Christmas that the oldest daughter of my childhood neighbors had a massive stroke and wasn't expected to pull through. She died the next morning, and I will attend her wake this evening.
JoEllen was the oldest of five kids. They lived right next to us here during my junior high and high school years. They were our first "neighbors" since my first move, when I was six. They were also a stable, warm, loving family next to my crazy dysfunctional one. My stepfather idolized Joe, their dad, and couldn't believe he would talk to him. In turn, the one son, Michael, older than me, admired my stepfather as a musician. I dated the next daughter, Nancy, in junior high. This is our house, their home is at the right.
Joe, the father, was murdered in 1980, for no good reason. A fluke, but pain that still lingers.
JoEllen was almost out of high school when we met, but she was totally without condescension toward me, five years younger. Did we keep in touch? No, but my sister was in touch with Nancy, and they were in my thoughts. The family came to the Unitarian church to visit when my mother died in 2000 and I knew that the tie was still there.
Returning to the area last fall, I didn't reach out to many old friends. Finally, last May I got around to seeing Nancy, JoEllen, their mom, husbands and kids. It was a great visit.
Growing up, JoEllen was very heavy, a family trait, going into adulthood. In her new life, she and her husband ran a health spa out in Wayland, and she was a trim aerobics instructor. Her new "self" was one of the most radical transformations I have ever seen. Her husband seems great, and she had two grown daughters and one in junior high school.
I'm kind of in a "it's not fair" mood. I started this post writing about my dog, losing her will be very painful. But that is expected, and I am at peace with it. (though- more later)
But my neighbors didn't deserve this. JoEllen was healthy, her family is long-lived. Her mother is still with us, and her daughter is very young. I can't let go that this is not fair.
Brother My brother is still battling addiction. He had multiple crises before Christmas, instead of intervening and trying to save him, I let him know that he is trying to handle too much, that he needs a structured program that will take care of his daily needs and his survival, so he can do the real survival work. I don't know if he is surviving. But his pride told him that he could move into an apartment with a roommate, but apparently he listened to me and went into detox before Christmas. I was desperate for family at Christmas myself, but let it go and enjoyed the company of my lifelong friends and their children.
I get a little unsolicited advice about how I deal with my brother, and mostly I ignore it. Right now he shows a lot of resentment for my not stepping in and solving his problems, but he needs to start way at the beginning and solve them himself. He's had enough quick fixes in his life from family. As for me, I have some major issues to deal with. Work. Love. other things. Family papers. Family junk. Building my own family.
This is me, my sister and brother, in happier times.
Sink or swim My situation is that I'd better get back into my career to make some money, so as to not leave the impression that I can't. I do have reservations about jumping back into the rat race. That is why I haven't just gotten a half-decent project manager job. The deadlines are just killer, and if your building projects aren't really a priority in the local political landscape, it takes five times as long to package an affordable housing deal as a regular housing development. I started out in organizations with great resources to help the homeless and the lowest income, and ended up working with people who just didn't seem to care about that mission.
In the meantime, I've been scrambling to make ends meet doing work of deliciously low status. Taking care of my friend's disabled son, teacher's aide, doorman, house painter-- these barely pay a living wage for a car owner, but they all have a quality of ordinary life. It's been good for me to back off from my ambitions and away for a community where status has too much weight.
Love My last relationship was a disaster that was rushed into on both sides. Since leaving, I haven't really been available for commitment. Too many things have been left pending, this is a bad habit. In some ways, my brother's situation has hung over me: shame, anxiety, practical issues. When he was clean for 10 months, I set aside time for him every weekend and often during the week- that worked then but now I have to work on my own survival. And growth. I need to get back on track in pursuing relationships that will be nurturing and satisfying. He will have to nurture his own growth path. That may or may not happen.
All is not bleak I have tried to pursue new and old friendships. After feeling a little like the 13th wheel at the family dinner, I did have a really nice date just after Christmas. Dinner was great and it was a hot time, too. Working at the bar is actually fun, and I would like to keep it once I do find that "great job"- I've always been jealous of people who moonlighted and had extra cash!
The Live Journal community This is a great community which offers a lot of feedback and support. I am going to take a little time to refocus what I do here, though. First of all, I need to review where I am, a little of what ikahana did this week. Yes, I'm getting a power cable for my printer, and I am going to review some of what I have written here over the last year and a half. Also, I am going to poke around other parts of Live Journal, and other blog sites, to find other affinities. I'll be writing and commenting less in the next couple of months, but will probably not be able to resist occasional contributions.
The biggest thing is my dog- she is old and, I think, in pain. I am spending more time helping her up and down stairs, or just carrying her. Her ability to get out to evacuate is limited and I am cleaning up a lot of messes. I washed her bedding a couple of times with bleach, but it still seemed like there was a urine smell in my room.
She lies until I make her get up. When I touch her side, she flinches. Her hips are bad, but I don't know where the other pain is. This is the one factor which makes me think it is time to bring her in to "go to sleep".
Woby is 14 years old now, and she has been with me for most of that time. I have been around a lot the past year, partly because it is hard to leave her alone in her condition. I think it is a good time for her to go.
Other passings I got news the day after Christmas that the oldest daughter of my childhood neighbors had a massive stroke and wasn't expected to pull through. She died the next morning, and I will attend her wake this evening.
JoEllen was the oldest of five kids. They lived right next to us here during my junior high and high school years. They were our first "neighbors" since my first move, when I was six. They were also a stable, warm, loving family next to my crazy dysfunctional one. My stepfather idolized Joe, their dad, and couldn't believe he would talk to him. In turn, the one son, Michael, older than me, admired my stepfather as a musician. I dated the next daughter, Nancy, in junior high. This is our house, their home is at the right.
Joe, the father, was murdered in 1980, for no good reason. A fluke, but pain that still lingers.
JoEllen was almost out of high school when we met, but she was totally without condescension toward me, five years younger. Did we keep in touch? No, but my sister was in touch with Nancy, and they were in my thoughts. The family came to the Unitarian church to visit when my mother died in 2000 and I knew that the tie was still there.
Returning to the area last fall, I didn't reach out to many old friends. Finally, last May I got around to seeing Nancy, JoEllen, their mom, husbands and kids. It was a great visit.
Growing up, JoEllen was very heavy, a family trait, going into adulthood. In her new life, she and her husband ran a health spa out in Wayland, and she was a trim aerobics instructor. Her new "self" was one of the most radical transformations I have ever seen. Her husband seems great, and she had two grown daughters and one in junior high school.
I'm kind of in a "it's not fair" mood. I started this post writing about my dog, losing her will be very painful. But that is expected, and I am at peace with it. (though- more later)
But my neighbors didn't deserve this. JoEllen was healthy, her family is long-lived. Her mother is still with us, and her daughter is very young. I can't let go that this is not fair.
Brother My brother is still battling addiction. He had multiple crises before Christmas, instead of intervening and trying to save him, I let him know that he is trying to handle too much, that he needs a structured program that will take care of his daily needs and his survival, so he can do the real survival work. I don't know if he is surviving. But his pride told him that he could move into an apartment with a roommate, but apparently he listened to me and went into detox before Christmas. I was desperate for family at Christmas myself, but let it go and enjoyed the company of my lifelong friends and their children.
I get a little unsolicited advice about how I deal with my brother, and mostly I ignore it. Right now he shows a lot of resentment for my not stepping in and solving his problems, but he needs to start way at the beginning and solve them himself. He's had enough quick fixes in his life from family. As for me, I have some major issues to deal with. Work. Love. other things. Family papers. Family junk. Building my own family.
This is me, my sister and brother, in happier times.
Sink or swim My situation is that I'd better get back into my career to make some money, so as to not leave the impression that I can't. I do have reservations about jumping back into the rat race. That is why I haven't just gotten a half-decent project manager job. The deadlines are just killer, and if your building projects aren't really a priority in the local political landscape, it takes five times as long to package an affordable housing deal as a regular housing development. I started out in organizations with great resources to help the homeless and the lowest income, and ended up working with people who just didn't seem to care about that mission.
In the meantime, I've been scrambling to make ends meet doing work of deliciously low status. Taking care of my friend's disabled son, teacher's aide, doorman, house painter-- these barely pay a living wage for a car owner, but they all have a quality of ordinary life. It's been good for me to back off from my ambitions and away for a community where status has too much weight.
Love My last relationship was a disaster that was rushed into on both sides. Since leaving, I haven't really been available for commitment. Too many things have been left pending, this is a bad habit. In some ways, my brother's situation has hung over me: shame, anxiety, practical issues. When he was clean for 10 months, I set aside time for him every weekend and often during the week- that worked then but now I have to work on my own survival. And growth. I need to get back on track in pursuing relationships that will be nurturing and satisfying. He will have to nurture his own growth path. That may or may not happen.
All is not bleak I have tried to pursue new and old friendships. After feeling a little like the 13th wheel at the family dinner, I did have a really nice date just after Christmas. Dinner was great and it was a hot time, too. Working at the bar is actually fun, and I would like to keep it once I do find that "great job"- I've always been jealous of people who moonlighted and had extra cash!
The Live Journal community This is a great community which offers a lot of feedback and support. I am going to take a little time to refocus what I do here, though. First of all, I need to review where I am, a little of what ikahana did this week. Yes, I'm getting a power cable for my printer, and I am going to review some of what I have written here over the last year and a half. Also, I am going to poke around other parts of Live Journal, and other blog sites, to find other affinities. I'll be writing and commenting less in the next couple of months, but will probably not be able to resist occasional contributions.