Trying to feel Christmasy
I will be at the Alley in Boston tonight, at the door, so stop by for a peck on the cheek from Santa. I may even buy you a drink!
I'm not feeling that Christmasy. I need a good job, a lover, a vacation, and respect. That'll all come. You don't know what an optimist I am.
Most of LJ isn't old enough to have friends of 40 years standing. I am lucky enough to live with my old friend Glynis, just my age (hey, I even kissed her and felt her tits in the dunes one summer, about '67!). The house is busy and we will have a big family dinner on Christmas.
This has been an interesting year of trying to re-establish life in Boston. My closest old friends have always been like "dipping my foot in the river"... the river is the same, the river is different. Our friendships have grown and deepened. I have a stronger connection to the next generation (yeah, that Neneh Cherry song!).
I've been pretty laid back and hanging with my closest friends. At Thanksgiving I also called a few other contacts, my stepfather's cousin and my old friend Michael. We picked up old friendships without skipping a beat, and that is great.
Gay friends are peers, people I can have fun with, like at the karaoke bar, and then there's always sex. Also, they are just simple "friends" that I can rely on. I am developing these. I think I decided awhile ago that I am not "newly single and a little bruised" anymore, that I can really pursue a relationship when I find someone I really like. Even more true when I have the structure of meaningful work and a decent income.
Live Journal is a special place for me. Writing and sharing here has been one of my "projects" in the last year, and I am going to have to revisit it. I know more about who I am and how I feel from this time interacting with you. Sometimes I learn what strangers are interested in, an answer to the question, "what could I write about that someone would pay to read? This is something I procrastinate on, but something I do think about. Now that I am part of a magazine collective (www.dollarsandsense.org ), I may have an outlet for some essays about community development, my area, or other topics. Or- who knows, "harpers"? "The New Yorker"? I'm not really that shy and self-effacing (but- will they publish my self-pics?).
It's hard to push and I haven't, much. It's time to start. I'm rested and centered, time to go back to work. So I need lists of consultants and informational meetings and attending conferences and a lot of things to get me hooked in and employed. I've always worked on homeless issues, my last jobs drifted from that, and I wasn't very happy in those situations. I will be looking in Boston, LA, San Francisco and New York for a decent job.
My own brother just entered detox, and that is something to be grateful for. He's the "baby", but 38 now and he has a long road if he is ever to recover and find his real potential. He had big ideas of autonomy after cleaning up in October, but really needs a structured program. He could lean on me just a little, enough that I could give him the advice to give up for awhile: trust in professionals, making healing his only daily task. Maybe he listened.
(I'm not asking for advice here, just reporting. The die is cast, and his fate is in his hands.)
I was going to write this as a protected or restricted post, and turn off comments. I'm just going to leave it this way, though I don't need solace or advice. Some things are private and I keep them that way. But I have made a policy of not hiding the issue of drugs in my family. Hiding is related to shame- and you know what? it's not my shame. And too many people have said to me frankly, "I understand, I lost my brother AND my uncle just that way". So it is not an uncommon problem.
I am looking forward to work and celebration in the next couple of days. Then I need to start strategizing on the work issue. There's a certain amount of research to be done, and some connecting. I may do a website about myself and my accomplishments. I know I'll be around here (LJ) less, if I am here all the time I will sink... and it is time to swim. (hey, I'll wear my Speedos!)
I'm not feeling that Christmasy. I need a good job, a lover, a vacation, and respect. That'll all come. You don't know what an optimist I am.
Most of LJ isn't old enough to have friends of 40 years standing. I am lucky enough to live with my old friend Glynis, just my age (hey, I even kissed her and felt her tits in the dunes one summer, about '67!). The house is busy and we will have a big family dinner on Christmas.
This has been an interesting year of trying to re-establish life in Boston. My closest old friends have always been like "dipping my foot in the river"... the river is the same, the river is different. Our friendships have grown and deepened. I have a stronger connection to the next generation (yeah, that Neneh Cherry song!).
I've been pretty laid back and hanging with my closest friends. At Thanksgiving I also called a few other contacts, my stepfather's cousin and my old friend Michael. We picked up old friendships without skipping a beat, and that is great.
Gay friends are peers, people I can have fun with, like at the karaoke bar, and then there's always sex. Also, they are just simple "friends" that I can rely on. I am developing these. I think I decided awhile ago that I am not "newly single and a little bruised" anymore, that I can really pursue a relationship when I find someone I really like. Even more true when I have the structure of meaningful work and a decent income.
Live Journal is a special place for me. Writing and sharing here has been one of my "projects" in the last year, and I am going to have to revisit it. I know more about who I am and how I feel from this time interacting with you. Sometimes I learn what strangers are interested in, an answer to the question, "what could I write about that someone would pay to read? This is something I procrastinate on, but something I do think about. Now that I am part of a magazine collective (www.dollarsandsense.org ), I may have an outlet for some essays about community development, my area, or other topics. Or- who knows, "harpers"? "The New Yorker"? I'm not really that shy and self-effacing (but- will they publish my self-pics?).
It's hard to push and I haven't, much. It's time to start. I'm rested and centered, time to go back to work. So I need lists of consultants and informational meetings and attending conferences and a lot of things to get me hooked in and employed. I've always worked on homeless issues, my last jobs drifted from that, and I wasn't very happy in those situations. I will be looking in Boston, LA, San Francisco and New York for a decent job.
My own brother just entered detox, and that is something to be grateful for. He's the "baby", but 38 now and he has a long road if he is ever to recover and find his real potential. He had big ideas of autonomy after cleaning up in October, but really needs a structured program. He could lean on me just a little, enough that I could give him the advice to give up for awhile: trust in professionals, making healing his only daily task. Maybe he listened.
(I'm not asking for advice here, just reporting. The die is cast, and his fate is in his hands.)
I was going to write this as a protected or restricted post, and turn off comments. I'm just going to leave it this way, though I don't need solace or advice. Some things are private and I keep them that way. But I have made a policy of not hiding the issue of drugs in my family. Hiding is related to shame- and you know what? it's not my shame. And too many people have said to me frankly, "I understand, I lost my brother AND my uncle just that way". So it is not an uncommon problem.
I am looking forward to work and celebration in the next couple of days. Then I need to start strategizing on the work issue. There's a certain amount of research to be done, and some connecting. I may do a website about myself and my accomplishments. I know I'll be around here (LJ) less, if I am here all the time I will sink... and it is time to swim. (hey, I'll wear my Speedos!)