(no subject)
I suppose its not hard for us as humans to be so self-involved, that when some people make certain comments that ring a bell in some distant location of our head, we wonder whether they intend to insinuate their knowledge of that dirty secret of our present or the past. You wonder, what were the odds of the person mentioning that name, or that a related circumstance. Do they somehow know that what they mentioned would make you squirm? Do they have a motive in bringing up the thing that makes you uncomfortable?
I received an email from one of my seniors who graduated last year. And this one line in her email brought about this rush of worries, because it alluded to a horrible moment in my recent history. I know she knows the people in question, but did that sentence just happen to be there because it was the truth, or was there another side to it?
Recently I talked to some people, and they kept mentioning a name from my past. It kept being mentioned deliberately as part of their case, but everytime they said it, I felt like they were mocking me for my previous actions and feelings. That name did belong to their case, and they had every other reason to mention it. But the way it was mentioned, and the contexts it was put into raised my suspicious, and ultimately made me quite mad at them.
And then sometimes, you wonder whether God himself is playing games with you. You begin to realise that a horrible pattern has started to repeat itself. It makes your mind spin, and you cannot help but plead for mercy.
All I want is to be happy, you beg. Why can you not lead me there? Why must you keep bringing me to these dead-ends, so all I can, and have to, do is retrace my steps and somehow start the struggle again? Are you not my friend? What pleasure do you get from my awkwardness?
And He just laughs. That makes you feel a little better, till it happens again.
I received an email from one of my seniors who graduated last year. And this one line in her email brought about this rush of worries, because it alluded to a horrible moment in my recent history. I know she knows the people in question, but did that sentence just happen to be there because it was the truth, or was there another side to it?
Recently I talked to some people, and they kept mentioning a name from my past. It kept being mentioned deliberately as part of their case, but everytime they said it, I felt like they were mocking me for my previous actions and feelings. That name did belong to their case, and they had every other reason to mention it. But the way it was mentioned, and the contexts it was put into raised my suspicious, and ultimately made me quite mad at them.
And then sometimes, you wonder whether God himself is playing games with you. You begin to realise that a horrible pattern has started to repeat itself. It makes your mind spin, and you cannot help but plead for mercy.
All I want is to be happy, you beg. Why can you not lead me there? Why must you keep bringing me to these dead-ends, so all I can, and have to, do is retrace my steps and somehow start the struggle again? Are you not my friend? What pleasure do you get from my awkwardness?
And He just laughs. That makes you feel a little better, till it happens again.