(no subject)
somehow it's taken me six months to get here, but finally, i've returned to Square One.
today is rock bottom. i'm not sure how much further i can go before i either a) implode, b) die, or c) do both simultaneously. clearly, i'd prefer the latter.
my life is a mess. i am ill beyond comprehension and i find myself walking aimlessly throughout the hallways during school, completely oblivious as to where i am, what i'm doing, who i'm looking for. i never know what period it is, or why i'm in a particular class, or why the damn periods take so long, in general. i sit and speak but can barely remember what i'm saying or figure out what it is i should be saying. my words are garbled, nonsensical. everytime i move, it's agonizing. i feel faint. i move my head a certain way and suddenly, the room turns pitch black and i feel dangerously close to falling over.
people are using me. for school work. for information. for whatever it is they feel they can get out of me. i'm an abuse toy. and i don't like it. so i do all i know how to do in situations such as these - i abuse myself. surefire way to success, eh? of course.
i'm miserable. i fucking hate school. i loathe everything about it. yet, when i really think about it, if i had another option, i'm relatively positive i wouldn't like that one either. i don't want to do anything anymore. i'm completely unmotivated, exhausted, bored. i've lost my passion for all things significant AND insignificant and the only thing i ever feel like doing anymore is sleeping. yet, somehow, i can't even seem to do that. i stay away for hours and hours on end, staring at my computer screen, praying it will give me some answer of importance, relevance. but, no, nothing. just hours wasted, waiting for things that will never come.
i'm not surprised i've come to this. not at all. i set myself up. i numbed it out for so long i figured there was no way i could possible begin to experience anything close to emotion anytime soon. boy, was i wrong. not only do i feel emotion, i feel EVERY emotion, and they're hitting me all at once. every single disaster i've come to terms with in the past six months is suddenly, finally catapulting towards my brain at warp speed, attacking it in every sense of the word. and i can't escape. i'm trapped. and i'm trying to numb it out, to continue to ignore it, pretend i don't feel it, but how do you numb out the already numbed? exactly.
i don't like waiting for things. i like sudden, abrupt, fast-paced. i'm used to getting what i want. and now i'm not. everything i do lately, i have to wait for. well, i don't fucking feel like waiting. i want relief, i want attention, i want love, care, devotion, and i want it now, goddamnit! what happened? when did i suddenly become so completely undesirable? it's not fucking fair. why am i trash? why is it that the moment two people break up, the guy in the relationship walks away, unharmed and unblemished, whereas the girl is avoided entirely, seen as the other person's garbage? well i am not fucking garbage. i am a person, goddamnit. and i am tired of being labeled. and i am tired of being made fun of. and i am tired of being the butt of every goddamn joke in every goddamn class. i am fucking TIRED. and i am angry. and i am tired of being angry.
i hate mater dei. i hate everyone there. i hate every class. i hate being there. i hate sitting there. it's just another fucking waiting room. i don't feel at home there anymore. in fact, i don't feel at home much of anywhere. i feel wholly alone. i feel entirely, encompassingly, alarmingly alone. and it's not a loneliness anyone can fill. it's a void where a person once stood that, though the spot is not vacant, cannot be taken up every again. so, like a sore, it must fester inside of me like a boil, like an enormous hole, gaping in my chest. until i explode. or worse.
it's become worse than i ever dreamed or expected. and not because i can't control it. because i don't want to, and because i no longer care. i have no interest in living. i have no interest in existing. i'd prefer to die and come back someone else, unscathed by the parasite that has so destroyed my life. what life, to be fair? what life!?
i don't even care anymore. i'm so fucking tired of caring. i just want to sleep and self destruct collectively for the rest of this year until one of my parents actually gives a shit and does something about it. i wish they cared. i really wish they did. if they don't, who will? if my own parents can't even care about me, who, ultimately, will? clearly relationships don't work very well for me, and clearly, i care very little for myself, so who, in the end, will pick me up and take me up and away from all of this? who will save me?
and the answer issssss.... nobody.
because no one ever will be able to, ever.
i am a self-fulfilled prophecy. i am destined for failure.
i wanted great things. i was handed this life instead.
'do with it what you will,' they said, 'it's doomed anyway.'
i have so much promise. i could do so much. yet, i don't. because it's not worth it anymore.
i've lost everything.
i just want to go away.
far, far, far away.
and never come back.
not ever.
today is rock bottom. i'm not sure how much further i can go before i either a) implode, b) die, or c) do both simultaneously. clearly, i'd prefer the latter.
my life is a mess. i am ill beyond comprehension and i find myself walking aimlessly throughout the hallways during school, completely oblivious as to where i am, what i'm doing, who i'm looking for. i never know what period it is, or why i'm in a particular class, or why the damn periods take so long, in general. i sit and speak but can barely remember what i'm saying or figure out what it is i should be saying. my words are garbled, nonsensical. everytime i move, it's agonizing. i feel faint. i move my head a certain way and suddenly, the room turns pitch black and i feel dangerously close to falling over.
people are using me. for school work. for information. for whatever it is they feel they can get out of me. i'm an abuse toy. and i don't like it. so i do all i know how to do in situations such as these - i abuse myself. surefire way to success, eh? of course.
i'm miserable. i fucking hate school. i loathe everything about it. yet, when i really think about it, if i had another option, i'm relatively positive i wouldn't like that one either. i don't want to do anything anymore. i'm completely unmotivated, exhausted, bored. i've lost my passion for all things significant AND insignificant and the only thing i ever feel like doing anymore is sleeping. yet, somehow, i can't even seem to do that. i stay away for hours and hours on end, staring at my computer screen, praying it will give me some answer of importance, relevance. but, no, nothing. just hours wasted, waiting for things that will never come.
i'm not surprised i've come to this. not at all. i set myself up. i numbed it out for so long i figured there was no way i could possible begin to experience anything close to emotion anytime soon. boy, was i wrong. not only do i feel emotion, i feel EVERY emotion, and they're hitting me all at once. every single disaster i've come to terms with in the past six months is suddenly, finally catapulting towards my brain at warp speed, attacking it in every sense of the word. and i can't escape. i'm trapped. and i'm trying to numb it out, to continue to ignore it, pretend i don't feel it, but how do you numb out the already numbed? exactly.
i don't like waiting for things. i like sudden, abrupt, fast-paced. i'm used to getting what i want. and now i'm not. everything i do lately, i have to wait for. well, i don't fucking feel like waiting. i want relief, i want attention, i want love, care, devotion, and i want it now, goddamnit! what happened? when did i suddenly become so completely undesirable? it's not fucking fair. why am i trash? why is it that the moment two people break up, the guy in the relationship walks away, unharmed and unblemished, whereas the girl is avoided entirely, seen as the other person's garbage? well i am not fucking garbage. i am a person, goddamnit. and i am tired of being labeled. and i am tired of being made fun of. and i am tired of being the butt of every goddamn joke in every goddamn class. i am fucking TIRED. and i am angry. and i am tired of being angry.
i hate mater dei. i hate everyone there. i hate every class. i hate being there. i hate sitting there. it's just another fucking waiting room. i don't feel at home there anymore. in fact, i don't feel at home much of anywhere. i feel wholly alone. i feel entirely, encompassingly, alarmingly alone. and it's not a loneliness anyone can fill. it's a void where a person once stood that, though the spot is not vacant, cannot be taken up every again. so, like a sore, it must fester inside of me like a boil, like an enormous hole, gaping in my chest. until i explode. or worse.
it's become worse than i ever dreamed or expected. and not because i can't control it. because i don't want to, and because i no longer care. i have no interest in living. i have no interest in existing. i'd prefer to die and come back someone else, unscathed by the parasite that has so destroyed my life. what life, to be fair? what life!?
i don't even care anymore. i'm so fucking tired of caring. i just want to sleep and self destruct collectively for the rest of this year until one of my parents actually gives a shit and does something about it. i wish they cared. i really wish they did. if they don't, who will? if my own parents can't even care about me, who, ultimately, will? clearly relationships don't work very well for me, and clearly, i care very little for myself, so who, in the end, will pick me up and take me up and away from all of this? who will save me?
and the answer issssss.... nobody.
because no one ever will be able to, ever.
i am a self-fulfilled prophecy. i am destined for failure.
i wanted great things. i was handed this life instead.
'do with it what you will,' they said, 'it's doomed anyway.'
i have so much promise. i could do so much. yet, i don't. because it's not worth it anymore.
i've lost everything.
i just want to go away.
far, far, far away.
and never come back.
not ever.