Fic: Orange Shirts and Red Juice 1/1
Title: Orange Shirts and Red Juice
Author: Jessi B.
Email: shadowrider@blomand.net
Rating: nc-17
Fandom: Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy
Series: Better The Alien You Know
Pairing: Zaphod/Arthur
Summary: Trying to bring things back into a recognizable plot. Not sure how much of an AU this will become, but I’m doing some parallels to the second book now.
Notes: Useful critique welcomed. I don’t think the couch was actually mentioned in the books, but I keep picturing a strange combination between the movie and the books. So ummm...there’s a couch now.
****
What no one on the Heart of Gold realized was that instead of a greasy spoon they were supposed to be headed for Milliways. This did not in fact happen because Zaphod Beeblebrox had talked to Trillian about the relationship views of his species as whole. This resulted in Trillian leaving her boyfriend because, as any male on Earth could have told him, the fact that he would still be seeing other people did not go over well.
This resulted in a stop at a space station orbiting a mining colony planet. No one was really sure what they mined anymore, or even why they were still doing it really. It was largely due to a clerical error by the Galactic Government, which kept paying them, but they had been mining for so many generations that no one particularly remembered this.
The space station orbiting the pox-marked planet had fallen into disuse, because despite all the mining, nothing was actually exported. The bar the only thing that was ever used, so in a cunning move the bar owner bought the entire place for next to nothing and turned it into a large casino and hotel. It was located along a frequently traveled route so the business did very well and most people overlooked the fact it rotated around such a dreary place.
Zaphod had decided on it because they were going past and it served alcohol. It was also the place he had rescued the Earthman Arthur Dent from an uncomfortable situation and ended up seducing said Earthman. Ford Prefect also attempted to pick up someone who turned out to be a crowned princess on her way to a wedding. Her bodyguards did not wait for explanations after finding the two of them mostly naked. Luckily Ford was a veteran at surviving angry bodyguards/parents/mates and had his things gathered and was out a side door before they could stop yelling at the princess.
All of these events lead up to the current happenings and the fact that the three of them had no idea a Vogon ship was trying to find Arthur Dent as he was the last (known) survivor of a small unremarkable planet that had actually been a complex computer. At the moment the only thing that Arthur Dent is particularly worried about is his shirt.
***
“It’s very...orange,” Arthur muttered as he pulled on the shirt Zaphod had handed him on. It was indeed a dark orange and made of a type of cotton that must be harvested at the very edge of the desert of Deratz on the last day of June or it lost its color. It had cost someone, probably not Zaphod, a lot of money and he had worn it once before he got his new arm.
Arthur buttoned the shirt all the way up so that the large open neck looked almost normal. It did nothing to improve how it looked with his striped pants. He frowned at the mirror as Zaphod pulled him past it and towards the door. Zaphod thought the shirt looked fine, but as he had won worst dressed sentient being more then once this can only be expected.
“Yeah, yeah...” Wondering, as Ford had for years, why humans seemed to state the obvious so often. “Good Monkey, you know colors.” The human glared at the blond and almost ran into a wall as was dragged along.
“This wouldn’t be an issue if...” Arthur stopped speaking and flushed, letting himself be pulled through several doors before he realized it. One of Zaphod’s heads turned to grin at him. “Well, in any case thank you for the shirt.”
“No sweat, Ford, you ready?” Zaphod asked as they entered the control room. Ford’s head appeared above the back of the couch and he glared.
“I’ve been ready for a while, if we don’t eat soon I’m going to consider the stuff the ‘bots are trying to pass off as food.” Ford stopped ranting to look Arthur over. “This is the first time I’ve seen you without your dressing gown since we left Earth.”
“Yes, well Zaphod pulled me out before I could get it...” Arthur self-consciously straightened the shirt, which was a little long in the sleeve for him. He was avoiding Ford’s eyes and turning a scarlet that went nicely with the shirt.
“Not a bad thing, trust me,” Ford assured, standing. “Let’s go then.”
“Right,” Zaphod led the way to the nearest hatchway. “Where’d we stop?”
“Little place called ‘Jalex’s Grub’, I hit it a few decades ago and it wasn’t bad,” Ford said, slinging his bag over a shoulder. “And a really hoopy guy runs the place, used to hitchhike a bit when he was younger.”
“Jalex?” Arthur hazarded.
“Hmmm? Oh no, Fred. He’s a great guy, traveled with Dentrassis on ships for a while, so he makes the best food...” He finally noticed Arthur was rather avoiding looking directly at him. He was actually impressed his semi-cousin had gotten the human out of the cabin at all. “Arthur.”
“Errr...yes?”
“Stop worrying, I’m not human. I don’t care if you sleep with Zaphod. I’m glad you’re sleeping with someone. There was a bet at the pub about whether you had ever...”
“Ford!”
“I had dibs on twice and during college,” He grinned at his friend and slung an arm around Arthur’s shoulders. “So, just out of mild curiosity...”
“Oh, zark off,” Arthur muttered sullenly, arms crossed as he walked down the metal sidewalk, Zaphod looked over his shoulder and yelled at the two of them to hurry.
“I have no idea what I’m doing with this Ford,” He said suddenly, stepping into a slightly dingy restaurant. “I mean, I avoid people like Zaphod.”
“Yeah, well, Zaphod’s like that. A lot of people aren’t sure how they end up with him. One girl back home said it was the heads,” Ford grinned as Arthur flushed and coughed. A fuzzy thing in an interesting shade of yellow came up seat them and to Arthur’s credit he barely batted an eye. It took them to a corner booth that actually looked a lot like an Earth diner might which comforted Arthur somewhat as he slid in, ending up not too close but not too far away from Zaphod’s right side. Ford slid in beside him and tried to help with the menu.
“And Blue Rhino soup?”
“Better not, a bit like beef stew with raw entrails,” Ford offered.
“Ugh,” He frowned at the menu again and one of Zaphod’s heads looked away from the selections.
“How about the steaks? Can’t go wrong there...” The blond offered.
“Probably closest to what you’d like, Arthur, with some potatoes and green vegetables,” Ford agreed.
“Fine, sounds safest until I learn what the rest of this is...”
“Ford!” A large blue man came at them from the side and slapped Ford on the shoulder. “Where have you been?”
“Stranded on a planet, how’s it going?” Ford grinned.
“Not bad, we’re not Milliways but we do decent here, it’s some of the people I can’t stand though,” He paused to let a pretty young humanoid take their order, Zaphod ordered for Arthur, who didn’t complain because he didn’t know what else he would have ordered. “Had a crew of Vogons in a few days ago and I thought we would never be rid of them...”
“Really? I thought they kept Dentrassis on for cooking?” Ford said, taking a sip from a purplish fizzing drink that the waitress had just brought. Arthur squinted and his own dark red beverage and raised an eyebrow at Zaphod who grinned while one head chugged a normal looking brown liquid.
“They do, these had apparently ticked off the cooks, not a good thing in deep space, everything tasted like deep fried Uassen droppings,” Fred confided. Uassen are small harmless looking fuzzy creatures. Their main defense is the smell of their droppings, which no sane animal or person will go near without protective clothing and masks. Ford and Zaphod winced and Arthur who knew nothing about Uassen or their droppings assumed this was bad. “Anyway, they came in shifts and if they hadn’t been paying top dollar I would have closed up until they left. As it was their cooks came over for a bit of a chat, turns out the entire ship is on bloody goose chase for this one guy.”
“Yeah?” Ford asked, hoping that one guy wasn’t Zaphod Beeblebrox.
“Yeah some small planet they destroyed, to make way for a hyperspace bypass or some such. Turns out the whole thing was ordered by a psychiatrist...” He noted he had the undivided attention of his audience and continued. “Because, get this, it was really a computer.”
“You don’t say,” Ford murmured faintly, beginning to have a very bad feeling. Arthur was already well into worrying, Zaphod was wondering why their food wasn’t back. “A whole planet?”
“The entire thing, trying to come up with the Question, so this Gag Halfrunt, he decides if people know that his business will go down the tubes. But get this, there’s one survivor. So this huge ship is after this one guy. One guy in a whole galaxy.”
“Unbelievable,” The ginger haired man agreed.
“Well hey, I’ll leave you guys to it, got to get back to the kitchen,” He indeed left them to it, Arthur was looking a little pale, and Ford’s smile was strained.
“Wonder what’s taking so long?” Zaphod said aloud, earning a glare from Arthur.
“Did,” He started, voice at the verge of panic and teetering on the edge, “you happen to catch any of that?”
“Sure, but why worry now?” One head smirked at Arthur while the other winked at the waitress as she brought them all more drinks and assured them the food would be out soon. “I mean, they blew out of here and we’re here now, so we just avoid Vogons, not that we wanted to go near them anyway.”
“Besides, I’m starving,” Ford added.
Arthur took it all in and decided, reluctantly, that Zaphod was right. He finally took the first sip of his own drink and found it tolerable and very much like orange juice, and yet totally not. He drained the glass and sipped at the next one, their food came out and he ate an excellent rare steak and tried not to worry about the fact that he was being hunted down by Vogons.
***
Many of you may be wondering about the other survivor of Earth who has luckily slipped under the attention of those after Arthur. She is currently having a nice time at a party. She is attending with a large man she met on the planet she beamed to. This party and planet are very, very, very to the power of 2641, far away from where the Heart of Gold is.
It would be next to impossible for them to simply chance on one another.
Which means, of course, we will see her latter.
***
“I’m feeling rather...drunk,” Author confided in a slurred fashion as he leaned against Ford. He was actually very drunk as he had drank at least five glasses of red juice, named for the fruit it comes from, which was actually very alcoholic. Ford was only slightly more stable because of his high tolerance for alcohol.
“Yes, you are,” Ford grinned, they stumbled back towards the ship while Zaphod paid, at least in theory. Ford had no idea whether Zaphod had the money to cover the bill or not but of the three of them it was most likely the former Galactic President still had a few charge cards that worked.
“The ship has moved farther away.”
“Terrible thing for it have done.”
Eddie, being the considerate cyberneticilly created soul he was, had actually moved to let a little old furry creature park closer to the door. Noble intent lost on the two drunken men looking confusedly for their ship. After several wrong ships, who refused to let strange drunk aliens in even if they were lost, they found Heart of Gold and promptly collapsed on the white couch located in the bridge.
“Yo, Monkeyman,” Zaphod said, Arthur looked up wondering when Zaphod had gotten so tall. He was, in fact, flat on his back in the floor because he’d fallen off the couch. “You busy?”
“Why, are you so...coher...coh...sober?” Ford asked.
“I just had soda,” The blond grinned helping Arthur up, one of his heads winked at Ford as he walked away with the human. “C’mon kid...lets go mess around while you’re in a good mood...”
“Ok, bye Ford...”
“Bye Arthur.”
Arthur lay against Zaphod’s shoulder, deep into the warm arms of drink as well as a horny alien. The blond started helping him out of his shirt the moment they were inside the room, Arthur was perfectly fine with this, as he rather disliked the shirt anyway. He leaned up to kiss the nearest of Zaphod’s heads with great zeal if little skill. Zaphod happily returned the sentiment.
“C’mon too many clothes...” His other head reminded.
Arthur pulled back, making the head being kissed frown, and found he did indeed have too many clothes on. He kicked off his shoes and began pushing his pants down. Zaphod had expected more of a fight but shrugged and got rid his own clothes before Arthur’s morals found out what he was doing. He sat on the edge of the bed and watched Arthur hop around trying to escape his evil pajama pants. He got them off and kicked them for good measure.
“My pajama pants seem to be against me,” He told Zaphod as the blond pulled him down to straddle his lap. “I think they might resent you.”
“Yeah?” Zaphod grinned, kissed Arthur soundly and sighed when their shafts brushed.
“Yes, they’re from my aunt, so it’s to be expected,” He continued when he caught some of his wits again. “She’s a dreadful woman.”
”Mmmm...Kid, no talking about family while we’re doing this, huh?” One of the blond’s hands stroked Arthur’s bottom as he spoke. The human’s breath caught and he arched up against the touch.
“Right...” And he hesitated a moment before leaning into another kiss. “Where’s your lube gotten to?” He moaned as a slick finger found its way inside him. “Ahh...good, you found it.”
“I told you...always got it...” Zaphod husked into his ear as Arthur’s fingers dug into his shoulders. “I want you, Monkey...”
“Arthur, ‘m names Arthur...” Arthur gasped. “Want you...too...” He wiggled back into Zaphod’s hands.
“Mmmm...” The other man helped the Earther to his knees and lined up the right areas. “You got the controls...” He moaned as the tip of himself penetrated the hot opening. Arthur tensed, eyes a little wide when he looked down at Zaphod who smirked from both sides and laid back.
Arthur’s hands rested flat on Zaphod’s chest and he was still for several moments, then he slowly sat back, gasping as the shaft penetrated him. His breath caught and he rocked on the Zaphod’s lap moaning, the blond’s hands found his hips and squeezed. Before he quite realized what he was doing he was using Zaphod’s shaft to find that secret place and he moaned again, movements picking up speed, and he almost missed the way the male beneath him was making the same noises, caught in his haze of pleasure.
Zaphod’s hands tightened on his hips as he was brought closer to the edge, fingers digging in as he rocked into Arthur. As the head of the shaft within him hit that wonderful place again the human came down again and his entire body tensed, his shaft jerked and he released on the blond below him without being touched. Zaphod moaned and arched up, coming hard inside the other man. Arthur collapsed on top of him, snuggled under one of his chins and fell asleep.
***
Arthur woke, confused for a moment, head just beginning to ache a bit. There was warmth against his back and arms around him. He stared blankly in the darkness for several seconds as a shiver worked up his spine. He would have given anything in those moments to see his alarm clock on his dented bedside table. Lips brushed his hair and Zaphod spooned closer.
“S’up?”
“Do you ever miss home Zaphod?”
“Hmmm? Sure, the moms cook better then the bots.”
“My mother was a terrible cook, made good tea though.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes, but she also rather annoyed me. Still...”
“Let it go Monkey, it’s gone, you’re here.”
“I wonder if you and Ford would be so blasé if it were your planet...”
“Probably,” Zaphod rubbed a chin in the human’s hair. “We wouldn’t like it, but that’s life. Bad things happen, then they don’t, then they do again. You gotta live in the now.”
“I like Earth, I didn’t want to leave it and I’m not very good at...this.”
“I think you’re just swell at it,” Zaphod leered. Arthur glared, though the glare was lost on the space in front of him.
“Zaphod...”
“Monkey, you keep this up and you can sleep with Marvin.”
There were a few moments of silence in which Arthur’s brain drew chalk pictures of what this might involve. He winced.
“I think,” He said finally. “I’m allowed a bit of depression over the loss of my planet.”
“Sure, sure...” Lips nuzzled his ear and another head kissed the back of his head. “So sleep, you wore me out, baby.” Arthur flushed and lay back against the alien.
“Zaphod?”
“Yes?” The blond sighed.
“The heads, they run in the family?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Because there’s a see through elderly gentleman who I think might want to speak with you beside the bed...”
Author: Jessi B.
Email: shadowrider@blomand.net
Rating: nc-17
Fandom: Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy
Series: Better The Alien You Know
Pairing: Zaphod/Arthur
Summary: Trying to bring things back into a recognizable plot. Not sure how much of an AU this will become, but I’m doing some parallels to the second book now.
Notes: Useful critique welcomed. I don’t think the couch was actually mentioned in the books, but I keep picturing a strange combination between the movie and the books. So ummm...there’s a couch now.
****
What no one on the Heart of Gold realized was that instead of a greasy spoon they were supposed to be headed for Milliways. This did not in fact happen because Zaphod Beeblebrox had talked to Trillian about the relationship views of his species as whole. This resulted in Trillian leaving her boyfriend because, as any male on Earth could have told him, the fact that he would still be seeing other people did not go over well.
This resulted in a stop at a space station orbiting a mining colony planet. No one was really sure what they mined anymore, or even why they were still doing it really. It was largely due to a clerical error by the Galactic Government, which kept paying them, but they had been mining for so many generations that no one particularly remembered this.
The space station orbiting the pox-marked planet had fallen into disuse, because despite all the mining, nothing was actually exported. The bar the only thing that was ever used, so in a cunning move the bar owner bought the entire place for next to nothing and turned it into a large casino and hotel. It was located along a frequently traveled route so the business did very well and most people overlooked the fact it rotated around such a dreary place.
Zaphod had decided on it because they were going past and it served alcohol. It was also the place he had rescued the Earthman Arthur Dent from an uncomfortable situation and ended up seducing said Earthman. Ford Prefect also attempted to pick up someone who turned out to be a crowned princess on her way to a wedding. Her bodyguards did not wait for explanations after finding the two of them mostly naked. Luckily Ford was a veteran at surviving angry bodyguards/parents/mates and had his things gathered and was out a side door before they could stop yelling at the princess.
All of these events lead up to the current happenings and the fact that the three of them had no idea a Vogon ship was trying to find Arthur Dent as he was the last (known) survivor of a small unremarkable planet that had actually been a complex computer. At the moment the only thing that Arthur Dent is particularly worried about is his shirt.
***
“It’s very...orange,” Arthur muttered as he pulled on the shirt Zaphod had handed him on. It was indeed a dark orange and made of a type of cotton that must be harvested at the very edge of the desert of Deratz on the last day of June or it lost its color. It had cost someone, probably not Zaphod, a lot of money and he had worn it once before he got his new arm.
Arthur buttoned the shirt all the way up so that the large open neck looked almost normal. It did nothing to improve how it looked with his striped pants. He frowned at the mirror as Zaphod pulled him past it and towards the door. Zaphod thought the shirt looked fine, but as he had won worst dressed sentient being more then once this can only be expected.
“Yeah, yeah...” Wondering, as Ford had for years, why humans seemed to state the obvious so often. “Good Monkey, you know colors.” The human glared at the blond and almost ran into a wall as was dragged along.
“This wouldn’t be an issue if...” Arthur stopped speaking and flushed, letting himself be pulled through several doors before he realized it. One of Zaphod’s heads turned to grin at him. “Well, in any case thank you for the shirt.”
“No sweat, Ford, you ready?” Zaphod asked as they entered the control room. Ford’s head appeared above the back of the couch and he glared.
“I’ve been ready for a while, if we don’t eat soon I’m going to consider the stuff the ‘bots are trying to pass off as food.” Ford stopped ranting to look Arthur over. “This is the first time I’ve seen you without your dressing gown since we left Earth.”
“Yes, well Zaphod pulled me out before I could get it...” Arthur self-consciously straightened the shirt, which was a little long in the sleeve for him. He was avoiding Ford’s eyes and turning a scarlet that went nicely with the shirt.
“Not a bad thing, trust me,” Ford assured, standing. “Let’s go then.”
“Right,” Zaphod led the way to the nearest hatchway. “Where’d we stop?”
“Little place called ‘Jalex’s Grub’, I hit it a few decades ago and it wasn’t bad,” Ford said, slinging his bag over a shoulder. “And a really hoopy guy runs the place, used to hitchhike a bit when he was younger.”
“Jalex?” Arthur hazarded.
“Hmmm? Oh no, Fred. He’s a great guy, traveled with Dentrassis on ships for a while, so he makes the best food...” He finally noticed Arthur was rather avoiding looking directly at him. He was actually impressed his semi-cousin had gotten the human out of the cabin at all. “Arthur.”
“Errr...yes?”
“Stop worrying, I’m not human. I don’t care if you sleep with Zaphod. I’m glad you’re sleeping with someone. There was a bet at the pub about whether you had ever...”
“Ford!”
“I had dibs on twice and during college,” He grinned at his friend and slung an arm around Arthur’s shoulders. “So, just out of mild curiosity...”
“Oh, zark off,” Arthur muttered sullenly, arms crossed as he walked down the metal sidewalk, Zaphod looked over his shoulder and yelled at the two of them to hurry.
“I have no idea what I’m doing with this Ford,” He said suddenly, stepping into a slightly dingy restaurant. “I mean, I avoid people like Zaphod.”
“Yeah, well, Zaphod’s like that. A lot of people aren’t sure how they end up with him. One girl back home said it was the heads,” Ford grinned as Arthur flushed and coughed. A fuzzy thing in an interesting shade of yellow came up seat them and to Arthur’s credit he barely batted an eye. It took them to a corner booth that actually looked a lot like an Earth diner might which comforted Arthur somewhat as he slid in, ending up not too close but not too far away from Zaphod’s right side. Ford slid in beside him and tried to help with the menu.
“And Blue Rhino soup?”
“Better not, a bit like beef stew with raw entrails,” Ford offered.
“Ugh,” He frowned at the menu again and one of Zaphod’s heads looked away from the selections.
“How about the steaks? Can’t go wrong there...” The blond offered.
“Probably closest to what you’d like, Arthur, with some potatoes and green vegetables,” Ford agreed.
“Fine, sounds safest until I learn what the rest of this is...”
“Ford!” A large blue man came at them from the side and slapped Ford on the shoulder. “Where have you been?”
“Stranded on a planet, how’s it going?” Ford grinned.
“Not bad, we’re not Milliways but we do decent here, it’s some of the people I can’t stand though,” He paused to let a pretty young humanoid take their order, Zaphod ordered for Arthur, who didn’t complain because he didn’t know what else he would have ordered. “Had a crew of Vogons in a few days ago and I thought we would never be rid of them...”
“Really? I thought they kept Dentrassis on for cooking?” Ford said, taking a sip from a purplish fizzing drink that the waitress had just brought. Arthur squinted and his own dark red beverage and raised an eyebrow at Zaphod who grinned while one head chugged a normal looking brown liquid.
“They do, these had apparently ticked off the cooks, not a good thing in deep space, everything tasted like deep fried Uassen droppings,” Fred confided. Uassen are small harmless looking fuzzy creatures. Their main defense is the smell of their droppings, which no sane animal or person will go near without protective clothing and masks. Ford and Zaphod winced and Arthur who knew nothing about Uassen or their droppings assumed this was bad. “Anyway, they came in shifts and if they hadn’t been paying top dollar I would have closed up until they left. As it was their cooks came over for a bit of a chat, turns out the entire ship is on bloody goose chase for this one guy.”
“Yeah?” Ford asked, hoping that one guy wasn’t Zaphod Beeblebrox.
“Yeah some small planet they destroyed, to make way for a hyperspace bypass or some such. Turns out the whole thing was ordered by a psychiatrist...” He noted he had the undivided attention of his audience and continued. “Because, get this, it was really a computer.”
“You don’t say,” Ford murmured faintly, beginning to have a very bad feeling. Arthur was already well into worrying, Zaphod was wondering why their food wasn’t back. “A whole planet?”
“The entire thing, trying to come up with the Question, so this Gag Halfrunt, he decides if people know that his business will go down the tubes. But get this, there’s one survivor. So this huge ship is after this one guy. One guy in a whole galaxy.”
“Unbelievable,” The ginger haired man agreed.
“Well hey, I’ll leave you guys to it, got to get back to the kitchen,” He indeed left them to it, Arthur was looking a little pale, and Ford’s smile was strained.
“Wonder what’s taking so long?” Zaphod said aloud, earning a glare from Arthur.
“Did,” He started, voice at the verge of panic and teetering on the edge, “you happen to catch any of that?”
“Sure, but why worry now?” One head smirked at Arthur while the other winked at the waitress as she brought them all more drinks and assured them the food would be out soon. “I mean, they blew out of here and we’re here now, so we just avoid Vogons, not that we wanted to go near them anyway.”
“Besides, I’m starving,” Ford added.
Arthur took it all in and decided, reluctantly, that Zaphod was right. He finally took the first sip of his own drink and found it tolerable and very much like orange juice, and yet totally not. He drained the glass and sipped at the next one, their food came out and he ate an excellent rare steak and tried not to worry about the fact that he was being hunted down by Vogons.
***
Many of you may be wondering about the other survivor of Earth who has luckily slipped under the attention of those after Arthur. She is currently having a nice time at a party. She is attending with a large man she met on the planet she beamed to. This party and planet are very, very, very to the power of 2641, far away from where the Heart of Gold is.
It would be next to impossible for them to simply chance on one another.
Which means, of course, we will see her latter.
***
“I’m feeling rather...drunk,” Author confided in a slurred fashion as he leaned against Ford. He was actually very drunk as he had drank at least five glasses of red juice, named for the fruit it comes from, which was actually very alcoholic. Ford was only slightly more stable because of his high tolerance for alcohol.
“Yes, you are,” Ford grinned, they stumbled back towards the ship while Zaphod paid, at least in theory. Ford had no idea whether Zaphod had the money to cover the bill or not but of the three of them it was most likely the former Galactic President still had a few charge cards that worked.
“The ship has moved farther away.”
“Terrible thing for it have done.”
Eddie, being the considerate cyberneticilly created soul he was, had actually moved to let a little old furry creature park closer to the door. Noble intent lost on the two drunken men looking confusedly for their ship. After several wrong ships, who refused to let strange drunk aliens in even if they were lost, they found Heart of Gold and promptly collapsed on the white couch located in the bridge.
“Yo, Monkeyman,” Zaphod said, Arthur looked up wondering when Zaphod had gotten so tall. He was, in fact, flat on his back in the floor because he’d fallen off the couch. “You busy?”
“Why, are you so...coher...coh...sober?” Ford asked.
“I just had soda,” The blond grinned helping Arthur up, one of his heads winked at Ford as he walked away with the human. “C’mon kid...lets go mess around while you’re in a good mood...”
“Ok, bye Ford...”
“Bye Arthur.”
Arthur lay against Zaphod’s shoulder, deep into the warm arms of drink as well as a horny alien. The blond started helping him out of his shirt the moment they were inside the room, Arthur was perfectly fine with this, as he rather disliked the shirt anyway. He leaned up to kiss the nearest of Zaphod’s heads with great zeal if little skill. Zaphod happily returned the sentiment.
“C’mon too many clothes...” His other head reminded.
Arthur pulled back, making the head being kissed frown, and found he did indeed have too many clothes on. He kicked off his shoes and began pushing his pants down. Zaphod had expected more of a fight but shrugged and got rid his own clothes before Arthur’s morals found out what he was doing. He sat on the edge of the bed and watched Arthur hop around trying to escape his evil pajama pants. He got them off and kicked them for good measure.
“My pajama pants seem to be against me,” He told Zaphod as the blond pulled him down to straddle his lap. “I think they might resent you.”
“Yeah?” Zaphod grinned, kissed Arthur soundly and sighed when their shafts brushed.
“Yes, they’re from my aunt, so it’s to be expected,” He continued when he caught some of his wits again. “She’s a dreadful woman.”
”Mmmm...Kid, no talking about family while we’re doing this, huh?” One of the blond’s hands stroked Arthur’s bottom as he spoke. The human’s breath caught and he arched up against the touch.
“Right...” And he hesitated a moment before leaning into another kiss. “Where’s your lube gotten to?” He moaned as a slick finger found its way inside him. “Ahh...good, you found it.”
“I told you...always got it...” Zaphod husked into his ear as Arthur’s fingers dug into his shoulders. “I want you, Monkey...”
“Arthur, ‘m names Arthur...” Arthur gasped. “Want you...too...” He wiggled back into Zaphod’s hands.
“Mmmm...” The other man helped the Earther to his knees and lined up the right areas. “You got the controls...” He moaned as the tip of himself penetrated the hot opening. Arthur tensed, eyes a little wide when he looked down at Zaphod who smirked from both sides and laid back.
Arthur’s hands rested flat on Zaphod’s chest and he was still for several moments, then he slowly sat back, gasping as the shaft penetrated him. His breath caught and he rocked on the Zaphod’s lap moaning, the blond’s hands found his hips and squeezed. Before he quite realized what he was doing he was using Zaphod’s shaft to find that secret place and he moaned again, movements picking up speed, and he almost missed the way the male beneath him was making the same noises, caught in his haze of pleasure.
Zaphod’s hands tightened on his hips as he was brought closer to the edge, fingers digging in as he rocked into Arthur. As the head of the shaft within him hit that wonderful place again the human came down again and his entire body tensed, his shaft jerked and he released on the blond below him without being touched. Zaphod moaned and arched up, coming hard inside the other man. Arthur collapsed on top of him, snuggled under one of his chins and fell asleep.
***
Arthur woke, confused for a moment, head just beginning to ache a bit. There was warmth against his back and arms around him. He stared blankly in the darkness for several seconds as a shiver worked up his spine. He would have given anything in those moments to see his alarm clock on his dented bedside table. Lips brushed his hair and Zaphod spooned closer.
“S’up?”
“Do you ever miss home Zaphod?”
“Hmmm? Sure, the moms cook better then the bots.”
“My mother was a terrible cook, made good tea though.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes, but she also rather annoyed me. Still...”
“Let it go Monkey, it’s gone, you’re here.”
“I wonder if you and Ford would be so blasé if it were your planet...”
“Probably,” Zaphod rubbed a chin in the human’s hair. “We wouldn’t like it, but that’s life. Bad things happen, then they don’t, then they do again. You gotta live in the now.”
“I like Earth, I didn’t want to leave it and I’m not very good at...this.”
“I think you’re just swell at it,” Zaphod leered. Arthur glared, though the glare was lost on the space in front of him.
“Zaphod...”
“Monkey, you keep this up and you can sleep with Marvin.”
There were a few moments of silence in which Arthur’s brain drew chalk pictures of what this might involve. He winced.
“I think,” He said finally. “I’m allowed a bit of depression over the loss of my planet.”
“Sure, sure...” Lips nuzzled his ear and another head kissed the back of his head. “So sleep, you wore me out, baby.” Arthur flushed and lay back against the alien.
“Zaphod?”
“Yes?” The blond sighed.
“The heads, they run in the family?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Because there’s a see through elderly gentleman who I think might want to speak with you beside the bed...”