Fic: Monkey On My Back
Title: Monkey On My Back
Author: Jessi B.
Email: shadowrider@blomand.net
Rating: nc-17
Fandom: Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy
Pairing: Zaphod/Arthur
Summary: The morning after...sequel to ‘Better The Alien You Know...’
Notes: Set in Book 1 and maybe a bit of 2? I've just read the first three and started on four...so, any useful crit is appreciated.
***
It was all Ford Prefect’s fault really. Arthur considered as he opened his eyes to regard Zaphod Beeblebrox’s two heads, both sleeping peacefully.
‘If he’d only left me alone that Thursday I’d be out of my misery now,’ he mused absently, once again testing the grip of the three arms around him. ‘Betelgeuse residents,’ he decided, sounding remarkably like a certain book he’d been reading too much of, ‘should be noted for their strong grip.’ He had turned in his sleep and was currently entangled in the limbs of the blond mentioned earlier. Arthur decided he might possibly expire from embarrassment.
This was utterly ridiculous of course, as no one dies of embarrassment anymore, though it was at one time a rather fatal way to die, right beside shame in emotions that were terminal.
Arthur’s brain was finally turning around and wondering about tea. He told it viciously that there would be no tea and perhaps no breakfast as he was sure the way his stomach was turning nothing would be handled. Further, the current situation was totally his brain’s fault for not standing up for itself. The brain returned that it would not be blamed for this as Arthur’s lack of sex life should be brought to accounts. His body reminded them it was tired and sore and wished that they would both bloody shut up.
One of Zaphod’s arms moved in his sleep and stroked the very rigid back of his human bedmate; one head began frowning slightly and the arms around him flexed.
Part of Arthur sincerely hoped Zaphod was waking up, the other part considered the possibility of chewing his arm off to escape. The last was only tossed because of Zaphod’s eyes opening. Well, at least one set.
“Hey, Monkey,” He said casually, shifting slightly his lower right arm stroked low enough to make the human turn red.
“I have a name you know,” Arthur said quietly, wondering what the proper procedure for these events were. If Zaphod were simply female this would be so much easier. ‘Because you’ve done so well in the past,’ A snide part of his brain put in. ‘What with you vast experiences and all.’
“Yeah, I know...” Zaphod’s other head was blinking awake and he yawned again, loosening his grip on the human. Arthur wiggled free with a surprising deftness and managed free himself and take most of the blankets with him. “Hey...”
“Ummm...well, I think I’ll just...find my pants,” He started, looking blankly around for his pajama bottoms. “Where...are my pants?”
“Over there...” Zaphod sat up and watched the Earthman follow his motion, taking one of the blankets with him to retrieve the garment, which had ended up across the room. The blond was amused to see Arthur try to dress under the bed clothes, after he was covered the Earther looked more sure of himself. Slippers on, ruined shirt and ratty robe over one arm he prepared to make a break for it.
“Well I’ll just...” He started, edging towards the door, blanket draped over his shoulders, eyes pulled by an irresistible force, known as lust, to the unashamed way the naked blond lounged on the bed. Zaphod sighed and caught the edge of the blanket, tugging sharply. Arthur stumbled and found himself across the alien again.
“Stick around a bit, huh?” Zaphod purred, arms sliding up the human’s bare back. Arthur was rescued, and Zaphod interrupted, by the door sliding open and a wild haired Ford appearing.
“Oh good, you’re both on board, we’re leaving, I uh...seem to have met the princess of Islaxton, I didn’t know that at the time of course, but her body guards seem unhappy with me...” He said absently, taking a hand through his curly hair. “And Eddie seems to want your approval so we can move along.”
“Don’t know why, the zarking thing never listens to me about anything else,” Zaphod straightened and spoke towards the ceiling, one head frowning as Arthur scrambled away again looking mortified. “Computer, do what Ford says, yeah?”
“Absolutely, right away Mr. Beeblbrox,” The computer chirped. Arthur managed to escape at this point, still with Zaphod’s blanket.
“Did you,” Ford said after a moment, “happen to sleep with Arthur?”
“Yeah, why?”
“I’ll give you my notes on the typical human male reaction to this situation later, I expect Arthur has locked himself in his room by now...” Ford mused, turning to walk back towards the bridge. Zaphod frowned after him.
****
Were Zaphod to actually take the time to borrow Ford’s notes he would find the following notations:
The human race as a whole finds the idea of same-sex relationships rather threatening. Especially males who seem to think along the following lines: “If I entertain the idea of sleeping with another male it will make me less of a male and therefore, actually rather female as all men who sleep with men are rather female like.”
This thinking is of course outdated, but one may find that you approach a male, and you seem to be of the same sex, and are overly friendly he may start reverting to primitive methods of defending his masculinity including but not limited to: challenging other’s to arm wrestling, drinking more beer, and speaking in a loud voices about sports, women, and other ‘manly’ things.
If you still insist on trying to seduce a male you probably go through the following stages:
1}Denial: “I am not into blokes.”
2}Acceptance: “But...,well, maybe just this once...”
3}Denial: “This is all your fault, I don’t like men.”
4}Acceptance: “This is the last time.”
These stages will repeat until the male becomes enlightened to the fact that it’s perfectly alright to sleep with men and women or until he admits he does in fact like men and starts acting more female like. These stages can vary greatly of course and there are some men who are perfectly fine with their sexuality, however these people are usually regarded with jealousy and suspicion by the rest of the population.
While this entry no longer had any real practical use, with Earth being boiled away to nothing now, but Ford had spent a long time in the researching of the entries for Earth and still expected to be paid for fifteen year stay. It wasn’t his fault that The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy couldn’t use the information after all.
***
Zaphod had waved away Ford’s notes after he dressed, and they out ran their pursuers easily enough with the Improbability Drive.
“No one,” The former president said absently as he mixed a drink for breakfast, “has ever complained about the skills of Zaphod Beeblebrox in bed.”
“Oh, I’m not saying he had a bad time,” Ford took the drink before his semi-cousin could stop him. “In fact he probably enjoyed himself, which is the problem.”
“Ya know, at first it sounded like you had a point, then it just kinda drifted off,” The blond said, reaching for the Janx Spirit to start another drink. Two at the rate his brains were aching.
“Arthur is a human male. Until last night he thought he only fancied human women.”
“That’s a little limiting, considering Trill is the only one left and she barely gives him the time of day.”
“It doesn’t matter, it what he was brought up to think that’s the only type of person he should want. Now, you come in and change that, and not only are you an alien, you’re also male.”
“So humans are stuck on the breeding pair theory?” Zaphod asked, tossing back his drink quickly. His system welcomed the alcohol, which it had missed in the few hours away.
“Not all of them, but those that aren’t...well, those that weren’t were considered odd,” Ford downed his own drink and those still running amok in his system greeted it. “So I wouldn’t expect him out of the room any time soon...”
“He’s got to eat some time,” Zaphod shrugged. “Pity he’s so wound up about it, it was fun. When he’s not talking he’s really not all bad.”
Funnily enough Arthur was just making the same point about Zaphod to himself.
‘Pity he’s a man, when he’s not talking he’s really not all bad,’ Arthur thought as he toweled his hair off and picked up the clothes that the room’s closet had laundered for him. He didn’t know how it worked, he just knew if he left the clothes in the closet over night they were clean in the morning. It meant, however, he had to sleep without clothes. Since he had his own room no one really noticed this, but he still felt vaguely guilty, expecting his mother, or aunt or grandmother, to appear and yell about his ‘improper attire’. Dressed again, even if it was in a shirt that lacked most of its buttons, pajama bottoms, a dressing gown that had seen better days and slippers, and clean he felt almost in his right mind again.
Except of course for a pleasant soreness in his muscles and especially centered...he grabbed The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy from his bed and lay back to study it before that thought could quite find something to connect with. He typed Betelgeuse in and started scanning what he found.
So...he had slept with a lizard. Well, to be fair, a descendant of one. Zaphod was no more a lizard then he was a monkey. Still, visions of supermarket tabloids filled his head. ‘Two Headed Baby’ ‘Aliens Made Me Their Love Slave’, though in his case he had to go and be an overachiever ‘I Slept With a Two-Headed Alien’. Not even a tabloid would buy it.
He hadn’t felt any different though, well aside from the obvious, Zaphod had felt...groaning he dropped the guide and covered his face. This was hopeless. He couldn’t put two thoughts in a line without thinking about what the blond man looked like naked. Someone knocked on the door. He didn’t answer, he hoped they’d go away and leave him to be miserable and confused in peace.
“Yo, Monkeyman, I know you’re in there!” Zaphod announced from the other side of the door. Arthur pressed his hands against his eyes and attempted to blend in with the blankets. Someone, presumably Zaphod, cursed softly outside the door. “We were going to stop and get something to eat.” When Arthur made no response the blond sighed heavily. “You wanna come?”
“No...No, thank you,” The Earthman said finally. Zaphod glared at the door. Taking a deep breath he prepared himself.
“Computer?”
“Yes? How...” The cheerful voice started.
“Shut up, can you open this door?”
“Well...” Eddie started, voice loosing just a bit of its cheer. Technically, of course, the ship’s computer could override any lock. However, his programming said that humans needed personal space. His memories reminded him that Zaphod tended to like physical violence and he was only the ship’s dominant personality again because Zaphod had erased the other. As a Genuine People Personality prototype that valued its existence he answered truthfully. “Yes.”
“Do it,” Zaphod waited expectantly. And waited. “Now, computer.” There was soft click and the door, who shared none of Eddie’s ‘personal space’ knowledge made ecstatic noises as Zaphod strode through. Arthur blinked up at him, and then put an arm across his eyes, rather hoping the other man would go away.
“It wasn’t that bad,” Zaphod said, locking the door behind him. “I mean, it’s not my fault you’re hung up on this thing.”
“Could we just...not talk about it?” Arthur begged, refusing to look at him. Zaphod made a frustrated noise and sat down on the bed with the human.
“You humans are serious prudes. I mean, we both had fun and no one got hurt, what’s your problem?”
“My problem? My problem is that I’ve always despised people like you. You’re confident, you’re muscular, you’re cool, and you can pick women up without trying. That’s my problem, Zaphod, I don’t even like you that much and now...” Arthur pulled his arm away to look up at Zaphod who seemed to actually be giving listening a go, well one head was while the other looked around his small cabin.
“Now you wanna sleep with me? Come off it, Monkey, not everyone who sleeps with me likes me. I’m not trying to get you to fall in love with me, I’m still gonna see other people, but you’re ok looking and not related to me. Besides you’ve got so much sexual tension I’m surprised you can walk, all I’m offering is...a release.” He laid back beside the human and one head turned to look at him.
“Yes, well, if it’s all the same to you I think I’ll just pretend this never happened and hide in here for a few weeks,” The human responded, scooting away from the alien. “Or at least until I feel I’ve regained my hold on reality a bit.”
“Oh for God’s sake,” Zaphod rolled quickly and pinned the human beneath him. Arthur glared and pushed uselessly at the bigger male’s shoulders, fingers suddenly curling in the fabric of the shirt when Zaphod bent to claim his mouth. “This is the only thing we can agree on, at least when you’re not talking.” His other head murmured.
Arthur was too busy kissing back to really respond at first.
“I’m having a bit of an identity crisis over this,” He said finally kissing Zaphod again and sighing when his shirt was shoved off. “Mmmm...I shouldn’t be enjoying this.”
“Uh-huh,” Zaphod responded, grinning when Arthur’s hands slid under the edge of his shirt. He nuzzled the human’s throat from both sides, teeth nipping lightly.
“Really, I should...stop you...” The ape-descendant gasped, hands on Zaphod’s bare back, sliding up to hold him closer as the clever mouths worked on his neck.
“Mmmhmmm...” Zaphod said helpfully, as he pulled back to help Arthur out of his pants and shed his own, snagging a tube of something from his pocket.
“Did you expect this to happen?” Arthur accused as the blond slid between his thighs.
“Huh? Oh, I always carry lube,” Zaphod grinned. “You never know when you’ll get lucky or need to wiggle out of a tight spot...Besides I’m irresistible.”
“And modest,” Arthur said, distracted by the naked man, his hands slid hesitantly down the very male chest, stroking over the hard nipples, though why a lizard descendant had them he didn’t know, and to the straining erection that could not be mistaken for anything else. Flushed he hesitated above it, the long shaft was slender and long he remembered, thinking of it sliding inside him. His brain flailed helplessly when it actually saw what had went inside him.
“No need to be modest,” Zaphod said, eyebrows wiggling. He urged the human’s hand lower, and sighed in pleasure when the warm hand hesitantly stroked. “Oh Zarquon, yeah, like that...” Still flushed the Englishman stroked in a rhythm that he knew well himself. The Betelgeuse moaned, despite his protests once he got going the monkey wasn’t that bad in bed.
“I’m not sure how I feel about all this,” Arthur murmured.
“Monkey, you think, like way too much,” The blond sighed, he pulled away from the touch reluctantly. “You like me touching you, so enjoy it. A bunch of prudes taught you not to, but they’re all cosmic dust so screw what they thought.”
“It’s not that easy,” Arthur said reluctantly, letting Zaphod push him back onto the soft mattress. He gasped as a slick finger penetrated him.
“Sure it is, you like this while we’re doing it, so just stop stressing over it when we’re not,” The former president shrugged and had Arthur bend one leg up towards his chest as he spoke, the advantage to have two brains was the ability to form coherent thoughts during intercourse. “Let it go, you like sleeping with guys too, no one cares but you.”
Arthur responded with a soft moan as Zaphod had chosen to punctuate his statement by thrusting deep into him. His brain lost its train of thought and his body was allowed to happily respond. He arched up, trying to get pressure onto that place inside him that liked it best and the blond just watched for a moment, both heads grinning, at the way the human turned from prude to sexual being. ‘Must be instinct,’ He thought, letting himself rock deep into the heat wrapping around him.
“Yeah, that’s good,” He breathed, teasing the human by keeping the thrusts languid and slow. Arthur cursed softly legs locking around Zaphod’s waist to urge him on.
“Zaphod...” He hissed in frustration when the aforementioned couldn’t be hurried.
“Need something, kid?”
“Zaphod...if you don’t...Ah! God, do that again!”
“Don’t do that again?” The blond asked, laughing and leaning into kiss Arthur breathless and stop the foul language. “This?” He angled his hips and bit one of the monkey’s ears while he kissed him. “Like that?” His extra arm slid between them to stroke Arthur. Arthur tightened around him as he arched into the touch and moaning Zaphod released as the human finished his own orgasm. He pulled free and collapsed beside Arthur, one arm lazily across the other man as he caught his breath.
“So,” He started after a moment, brains pleasantly drowsy. “Are you still freaking out?”
“Yes,” Arthur said, letting himself slide closer to Zaphod. “But...I have been reminded that not counting the last two days I have not been with anyone for over five years.” One set of blue eyes met the human’s hazel.
“No way, five years? Your fish is translating right? A year is more then a week, and way more then a month...”
“I’m well aware, thanks.”
“No wonder you’re so tense.”
A knock sounded on the door.
“Are you done? Because I’m tired of trying to get these kitchen machines to work,” Ford yelled through the door.
“Oh yeah, food. You coming Monkeyman?” Zaphod pushed himself up.
“I need to clean up...and my shirt...”
“Oh yeah, I’ll get you one of my shirts, the third arm is recent, I should still have some of my old stuff. I’ll drop it by after I grab a shower.” He was dressing as he talked. “Give us a minute, huh?” He yelled, when Ford knocked impatiently. Arthur had just sat up and pulled a blanket over himself, the blond finished and bent to kiss Arthur quickly. “It’s just some greasy spoon, but at least the robots aren’t making it, move it Monkey, shower, I’m starving.” He walked out assuring Ford decent food would be found after he and Arthur did the after sex clean up.
“This is going to be an interesting relationship,” Arthur muttered, still flushed with pleasure from the kiss he went to shower again.
Author: Jessi B.
Email: shadowrider@blomand.net
Rating: nc-17
Fandom: Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy
Pairing: Zaphod/Arthur
Summary: The morning after...sequel to ‘Better The Alien You Know...’
Notes: Set in Book 1 and maybe a bit of 2? I've just read the first three and started on four...so, any useful crit is appreciated.
***
It was all Ford Prefect’s fault really. Arthur considered as he opened his eyes to regard Zaphod Beeblebrox’s two heads, both sleeping peacefully.
‘If he’d only left me alone that Thursday I’d be out of my misery now,’ he mused absently, once again testing the grip of the three arms around him. ‘Betelgeuse residents,’ he decided, sounding remarkably like a certain book he’d been reading too much of, ‘should be noted for their strong grip.’ He had turned in his sleep and was currently entangled in the limbs of the blond mentioned earlier. Arthur decided he might possibly expire from embarrassment.
This was utterly ridiculous of course, as no one dies of embarrassment anymore, though it was at one time a rather fatal way to die, right beside shame in emotions that were terminal.
Arthur’s brain was finally turning around and wondering about tea. He told it viciously that there would be no tea and perhaps no breakfast as he was sure the way his stomach was turning nothing would be handled. Further, the current situation was totally his brain’s fault for not standing up for itself. The brain returned that it would not be blamed for this as Arthur’s lack of sex life should be brought to accounts. His body reminded them it was tired and sore and wished that they would both bloody shut up.
One of Zaphod’s arms moved in his sleep and stroked the very rigid back of his human bedmate; one head began frowning slightly and the arms around him flexed.
Part of Arthur sincerely hoped Zaphod was waking up, the other part considered the possibility of chewing his arm off to escape. The last was only tossed because of Zaphod’s eyes opening. Well, at least one set.
“Hey, Monkey,” He said casually, shifting slightly his lower right arm stroked low enough to make the human turn red.
“I have a name you know,” Arthur said quietly, wondering what the proper procedure for these events were. If Zaphod were simply female this would be so much easier. ‘Because you’ve done so well in the past,’ A snide part of his brain put in. ‘What with you vast experiences and all.’
“Yeah, I know...” Zaphod’s other head was blinking awake and he yawned again, loosening his grip on the human. Arthur wiggled free with a surprising deftness and managed free himself and take most of the blankets with him. “Hey...”
“Ummm...well, I think I’ll just...find my pants,” He started, looking blankly around for his pajama bottoms. “Where...are my pants?”
“Over there...” Zaphod sat up and watched the Earthman follow his motion, taking one of the blankets with him to retrieve the garment, which had ended up across the room. The blond was amused to see Arthur try to dress under the bed clothes, after he was covered the Earther looked more sure of himself. Slippers on, ruined shirt and ratty robe over one arm he prepared to make a break for it.
“Well I’ll just...” He started, edging towards the door, blanket draped over his shoulders, eyes pulled by an irresistible force, known as lust, to the unashamed way the naked blond lounged on the bed. Zaphod sighed and caught the edge of the blanket, tugging sharply. Arthur stumbled and found himself across the alien again.
“Stick around a bit, huh?” Zaphod purred, arms sliding up the human’s bare back. Arthur was rescued, and Zaphod interrupted, by the door sliding open and a wild haired Ford appearing.
“Oh good, you’re both on board, we’re leaving, I uh...seem to have met the princess of Islaxton, I didn’t know that at the time of course, but her body guards seem unhappy with me...” He said absently, taking a hand through his curly hair. “And Eddie seems to want your approval so we can move along.”
“Don’t know why, the zarking thing never listens to me about anything else,” Zaphod straightened and spoke towards the ceiling, one head frowning as Arthur scrambled away again looking mortified. “Computer, do what Ford says, yeah?”
“Absolutely, right away Mr. Beeblbrox,” The computer chirped. Arthur managed to escape at this point, still with Zaphod’s blanket.
“Did you,” Ford said after a moment, “happen to sleep with Arthur?”
“Yeah, why?”
“I’ll give you my notes on the typical human male reaction to this situation later, I expect Arthur has locked himself in his room by now...” Ford mused, turning to walk back towards the bridge. Zaphod frowned after him.
****
Were Zaphod to actually take the time to borrow Ford’s notes he would find the following notations:
The human race as a whole finds the idea of same-sex relationships rather threatening. Especially males who seem to think along the following lines: “If I entertain the idea of sleeping with another male it will make me less of a male and therefore, actually rather female as all men who sleep with men are rather female like.”
This thinking is of course outdated, but one may find that you approach a male, and you seem to be of the same sex, and are overly friendly he may start reverting to primitive methods of defending his masculinity including but not limited to: challenging other’s to arm wrestling, drinking more beer, and speaking in a loud voices about sports, women, and other ‘manly’ things.
If you still insist on trying to seduce a male you probably go through the following stages:
1}Denial: “I am not into blokes.”
2}Acceptance: “But...,well, maybe just this once...”
3}Denial: “This is all your fault, I don’t like men.”
4}Acceptance: “This is the last time.”
These stages will repeat until the male becomes enlightened to the fact that it’s perfectly alright to sleep with men and women or until he admits he does in fact like men and starts acting more female like. These stages can vary greatly of course and there are some men who are perfectly fine with their sexuality, however these people are usually regarded with jealousy and suspicion by the rest of the population.
While this entry no longer had any real practical use, with Earth being boiled away to nothing now, but Ford had spent a long time in the researching of the entries for Earth and still expected to be paid for fifteen year stay. It wasn’t his fault that The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy couldn’t use the information after all.
***
Zaphod had waved away Ford’s notes after he dressed, and they out ran their pursuers easily enough with the Improbability Drive.
“No one,” The former president said absently as he mixed a drink for breakfast, “has ever complained about the skills of Zaphod Beeblebrox in bed.”
“Oh, I’m not saying he had a bad time,” Ford took the drink before his semi-cousin could stop him. “In fact he probably enjoyed himself, which is the problem.”
“Ya know, at first it sounded like you had a point, then it just kinda drifted off,” The blond said, reaching for the Janx Spirit to start another drink. Two at the rate his brains were aching.
“Arthur is a human male. Until last night he thought he only fancied human women.”
“That’s a little limiting, considering Trill is the only one left and she barely gives him the time of day.”
“It doesn’t matter, it what he was brought up to think that’s the only type of person he should want. Now, you come in and change that, and not only are you an alien, you’re also male.”
“So humans are stuck on the breeding pair theory?” Zaphod asked, tossing back his drink quickly. His system welcomed the alcohol, which it had missed in the few hours away.
“Not all of them, but those that aren’t...well, those that weren’t were considered odd,” Ford downed his own drink and those still running amok in his system greeted it. “So I wouldn’t expect him out of the room any time soon...”
“He’s got to eat some time,” Zaphod shrugged. “Pity he’s so wound up about it, it was fun. When he’s not talking he’s really not all bad.”
Funnily enough Arthur was just making the same point about Zaphod to himself.
‘Pity he’s a man, when he’s not talking he’s really not all bad,’ Arthur thought as he toweled his hair off and picked up the clothes that the room’s closet had laundered for him. He didn’t know how it worked, he just knew if he left the clothes in the closet over night they were clean in the morning. It meant, however, he had to sleep without clothes. Since he had his own room no one really noticed this, but he still felt vaguely guilty, expecting his mother, or aunt or grandmother, to appear and yell about his ‘improper attire’. Dressed again, even if it was in a shirt that lacked most of its buttons, pajama bottoms, a dressing gown that had seen better days and slippers, and clean he felt almost in his right mind again.
Except of course for a pleasant soreness in his muscles and especially centered...he grabbed The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy from his bed and lay back to study it before that thought could quite find something to connect with. He typed Betelgeuse in and started scanning what he found.
So...he had slept with a lizard. Well, to be fair, a descendant of one. Zaphod was no more a lizard then he was a monkey. Still, visions of supermarket tabloids filled his head. ‘Two Headed Baby’ ‘Aliens Made Me Their Love Slave’, though in his case he had to go and be an overachiever ‘I Slept With a Two-Headed Alien’. Not even a tabloid would buy it.
He hadn’t felt any different though, well aside from the obvious, Zaphod had felt...groaning he dropped the guide and covered his face. This was hopeless. He couldn’t put two thoughts in a line without thinking about what the blond man looked like naked. Someone knocked on the door. He didn’t answer, he hoped they’d go away and leave him to be miserable and confused in peace.
“Yo, Monkeyman, I know you’re in there!” Zaphod announced from the other side of the door. Arthur pressed his hands against his eyes and attempted to blend in with the blankets. Someone, presumably Zaphod, cursed softly outside the door. “We were going to stop and get something to eat.” When Arthur made no response the blond sighed heavily. “You wanna come?”
“No...No, thank you,” The Earthman said finally. Zaphod glared at the door. Taking a deep breath he prepared himself.
“Computer?”
“Yes? How...” The cheerful voice started.
“Shut up, can you open this door?”
“Well...” Eddie started, voice loosing just a bit of its cheer. Technically, of course, the ship’s computer could override any lock. However, his programming said that humans needed personal space. His memories reminded him that Zaphod tended to like physical violence and he was only the ship’s dominant personality again because Zaphod had erased the other. As a Genuine People Personality prototype that valued its existence he answered truthfully. “Yes.”
“Do it,” Zaphod waited expectantly. And waited. “Now, computer.” There was soft click and the door, who shared none of Eddie’s ‘personal space’ knowledge made ecstatic noises as Zaphod strode through. Arthur blinked up at him, and then put an arm across his eyes, rather hoping the other man would go away.
“It wasn’t that bad,” Zaphod said, locking the door behind him. “I mean, it’s not my fault you’re hung up on this thing.”
“Could we just...not talk about it?” Arthur begged, refusing to look at him. Zaphod made a frustrated noise and sat down on the bed with the human.
“You humans are serious prudes. I mean, we both had fun and no one got hurt, what’s your problem?”
“My problem? My problem is that I’ve always despised people like you. You’re confident, you’re muscular, you’re cool, and you can pick women up without trying. That’s my problem, Zaphod, I don’t even like you that much and now...” Arthur pulled his arm away to look up at Zaphod who seemed to actually be giving listening a go, well one head was while the other looked around his small cabin.
“Now you wanna sleep with me? Come off it, Monkey, not everyone who sleeps with me likes me. I’m not trying to get you to fall in love with me, I’m still gonna see other people, but you’re ok looking and not related to me. Besides you’ve got so much sexual tension I’m surprised you can walk, all I’m offering is...a release.” He laid back beside the human and one head turned to look at him.
“Yes, well, if it’s all the same to you I think I’ll just pretend this never happened and hide in here for a few weeks,” The human responded, scooting away from the alien. “Or at least until I feel I’ve regained my hold on reality a bit.”
“Oh for God’s sake,” Zaphod rolled quickly and pinned the human beneath him. Arthur glared and pushed uselessly at the bigger male’s shoulders, fingers suddenly curling in the fabric of the shirt when Zaphod bent to claim his mouth. “This is the only thing we can agree on, at least when you’re not talking.” His other head murmured.
Arthur was too busy kissing back to really respond at first.
“I’m having a bit of an identity crisis over this,” He said finally kissing Zaphod again and sighing when his shirt was shoved off. “Mmmm...I shouldn’t be enjoying this.”
“Uh-huh,” Zaphod responded, grinning when Arthur’s hands slid under the edge of his shirt. He nuzzled the human’s throat from both sides, teeth nipping lightly.
“Really, I should...stop you...” The ape-descendant gasped, hands on Zaphod’s bare back, sliding up to hold him closer as the clever mouths worked on his neck.
“Mmmhmmm...” Zaphod said helpfully, as he pulled back to help Arthur out of his pants and shed his own, snagging a tube of something from his pocket.
“Did you expect this to happen?” Arthur accused as the blond slid between his thighs.
“Huh? Oh, I always carry lube,” Zaphod grinned. “You never know when you’ll get lucky or need to wiggle out of a tight spot...Besides I’m irresistible.”
“And modest,” Arthur said, distracted by the naked man, his hands slid hesitantly down the very male chest, stroking over the hard nipples, though why a lizard descendant had them he didn’t know, and to the straining erection that could not be mistaken for anything else. Flushed he hesitated above it, the long shaft was slender and long he remembered, thinking of it sliding inside him. His brain flailed helplessly when it actually saw what had went inside him.
“No need to be modest,” Zaphod said, eyebrows wiggling. He urged the human’s hand lower, and sighed in pleasure when the warm hand hesitantly stroked. “Oh Zarquon, yeah, like that...” Still flushed the Englishman stroked in a rhythm that he knew well himself. The Betelgeuse moaned, despite his protests once he got going the monkey wasn’t that bad in bed.
“I’m not sure how I feel about all this,” Arthur murmured.
“Monkey, you think, like way too much,” The blond sighed, he pulled away from the touch reluctantly. “You like me touching you, so enjoy it. A bunch of prudes taught you not to, but they’re all cosmic dust so screw what they thought.”
“It’s not that easy,” Arthur said reluctantly, letting Zaphod push him back onto the soft mattress. He gasped as a slick finger penetrated him.
“Sure it is, you like this while we’re doing it, so just stop stressing over it when we’re not,” The former president shrugged and had Arthur bend one leg up towards his chest as he spoke, the advantage to have two brains was the ability to form coherent thoughts during intercourse. “Let it go, you like sleeping with guys too, no one cares but you.”
Arthur responded with a soft moan as Zaphod had chosen to punctuate his statement by thrusting deep into him. His brain lost its train of thought and his body was allowed to happily respond. He arched up, trying to get pressure onto that place inside him that liked it best and the blond just watched for a moment, both heads grinning, at the way the human turned from prude to sexual being. ‘Must be instinct,’ He thought, letting himself rock deep into the heat wrapping around him.
“Yeah, that’s good,” He breathed, teasing the human by keeping the thrusts languid and slow. Arthur cursed softly legs locking around Zaphod’s waist to urge him on.
“Zaphod...” He hissed in frustration when the aforementioned couldn’t be hurried.
“Need something, kid?”
“Zaphod...if you don’t...Ah! God, do that again!”
“Don’t do that again?” The blond asked, laughing and leaning into kiss Arthur breathless and stop the foul language. “This?” He angled his hips and bit one of the monkey’s ears while he kissed him. “Like that?” His extra arm slid between them to stroke Arthur. Arthur tightened around him as he arched into the touch and moaning Zaphod released as the human finished his own orgasm. He pulled free and collapsed beside Arthur, one arm lazily across the other man as he caught his breath.
“So,” He started after a moment, brains pleasantly drowsy. “Are you still freaking out?”
“Yes,” Arthur said, letting himself slide closer to Zaphod. “But...I have been reminded that not counting the last two days I have not been with anyone for over five years.” One set of blue eyes met the human’s hazel.
“No way, five years? Your fish is translating right? A year is more then a week, and way more then a month...”
“I’m well aware, thanks.”
“No wonder you’re so tense.”
A knock sounded on the door.
“Are you done? Because I’m tired of trying to get these kitchen machines to work,” Ford yelled through the door.
“Oh yeah, food. You coming Monkeyman?” Zaphod pushed himself up.
“I need to clean up...and my shirt...”
“Oh yeah, I’ll get you one of my shirts, the third arm is recent, I should still have some of my old stuff. I’ll drop it by after I grab a shower.” He was dressing as he talked. “Give us a minute, huh?” He yelled, when Ford knocked impatiently. Arthur had just sat up and pulled a blanket over himself, the blond finished and bent to kiss Arthur quickly. “It’s just some greasy spoon, but at least the robots aren’t making it, move it Monkey, shower, I’m starving.” He walked out assuring Ford decent food would be found after he and Arthur did the after sex clean up.
“This is going to be an interesting relationship,” Arthur muttered, still flushed with pleasure from the kiss he went to shower again.