"We are in the SHIT, aren't we?"
So, tonight shogunhb and I cuddled up together to spent the evening watching TV as we are wont to do. While going through our Netflix options, I judged a movie by its cover. "Journey to Promethea?" says I. "That movie looks awful!"
Never have I been so prophetic.
So of course, shogunhb has to go and read the info about it, because he has a love for terrible movies that I cannot comprehend. He points out that Billy Zane is in this movie and "he's a cool dude." I point out that we just passed another movie of Billy Zane's where EVEN THE NETFLIX WRITE-UP called it soft-core porn. "We all make mistakes in our youth. The gracious thing to to is ignore other people's. Let's move on."
shogunhb points out the movie was made in 2010. Now there is nothing we can do but watch it.
Did you just watch that? Suckers. But, really, the trailer is BETTER THAN THE MOVIE. And it lies. Billy Zane doesn't star in it, and he certainly doesn't ever wield a sword like in the poster. Those are lies, to make you think you want to see this film. Trust me, you don't.
Mind you, I can't promise that this is exactly a faithful retelling, as the vast majority of the movie is a group of people sitting around a campfire, talking, and we fast forwarded through that shit because even shogunhb isn't that much of a masochist. Or a sadist. This movie was clearly made by a guy who was told 'show, don't tell' once too often and just said, "FUCK IT. I'M GOING BALLS TO THE WALL EXPOSITION!" And he did.
This is the kind of movie made on a dare. I'm 9/10's certain that's why Billy Zane agreed to do it, anyway. Also, it was made on a budget of what the director could find in his couch.
So, it opens with some establishing shots of trees and shit and then what looks like an evacuation from a Renn Faire.
That's a lot of jewelry for a refugee.
I like the 't-shirt under armor' look.
These are the Sillmarillions or something, who are the amazingly healthy, clean, and colorful slaves of the evil King Who-Gives-A-Fuck-What-His-Name-Really-Is-He's-Billy-Zane (henceforth referred to as 'King Billy Zane'). The voiceover explains that these guys are enslaved and forced to wander aimlessly in the woods blah blah blah great warrior hero nearly freed them blah blah blah chosen of destiny, shut the hell up...hey, he has a sword that glows blue, kinda like a metal lightsaber, that's almost cool...oh, look, he's captured and is about to get his head cut off, I wish I cared. Except then he's gets this minute-long speech about how the power will transfer to someone else when he's dead, but it's not actually the actor saying the lines. He's lip-synching with the voiceover and it's HILARIOUS because the words son't exactly match up and I'm like, "why isn't the axeman just cutting off his head yet, the fuck?" And then he dies before the axe gets anywhere near him and his "power" (as evinced by badly-CGI'd glowing blue eyes) goes to some kid in the crowd, like the Quickening. Except it's the Quickening from the second Highlander movie, you know, the one that everyone hates because it's so bad, the where they bastardized everything good about the franchise and made Sean Connery appear in it because they hate EVERYTHING GOOD ON THE PLANET.
After about seven minutes of voiceover introduction where we hear the plight of these guys, we then cut to a fairly prosperous medieval town that basically looks like King Richard's Faire crossed with Sturbridge Village. These are our 'enslaved and wandering' Sillmarillions again who look awfully happy with their lot.
These kids are in spotless white and playing games. Hobbit children don't look this well-adjusted.
Then there was some kind of random conversation about milking cows and not touching other men's cows and maybe it was a metaphor for sex but I don't know because that would have required me to pay attention to the god-awful dialogue and I was busy attempting to gouge out my eyes with an empty beer bottle. Then we fast forwarded because it was getting painful and stopped when we saw King Billy Zane appear on the screen. He's surrounded by a carpet of women and lounging in his throne when his two hideously deformed seers come in...
I'd take advice from these guys.
...and tell him the prophecy has come true and the boy has come forth to blahbity blah blah don't let him meet up with the princess and get the sword yadda yadda yadda, or he'll stick it in the magic rock that was blessed by the gods as it fell from heaven and bring about the end of King Billy Zane's reign.
...Another sex metaphor? Fucked if I know.
Anyway, King Billy Zane's all, "Go find this kid and kill him, duh." The thing I like best about his part? He is clearly a stand in for the audience, as he frequently says what we're thinking, delivered with his best, "You are so shitting me, right?" face. I think he was like, "You can make me be in this film, but I'm going to make up my own lines," which is why he's the only worthwhile character in the movie.
Why the fuck am I here?
Seriously, the movie was about 90 minutes long, maybe? shogunhb and I spent about 12 minutes laughing hysterically, and that's because we played each of King Billy Zane's scenes twice.
Much fast forwarding ensued, wherein the Sillmarillions are kicked out of their village and go back to traveling though the forest like a well-dressed circus, Prophecy-Boy's dad or mentor or some shit is killed, he meets this creepy goblin-thing that is all, "You're the destined one!" and Prophecy-Boy runs away when the goblin starts having some kind of laughing-fit/seizure. This is the only time we ever see him act intelligently. Then he meets up with this guy who promises to teach him to fight so he can avenge his dead father/mentor/what-the-fuck-ever.
Where the fuck did this guy even COME FROM?!
At this point, I've decided someone has filmed the worst D&D LARP ever. I still have no idea who decided there should be some kind of creepy goblin thing or what purposed he serves. For all I know, there may be a perfectly logical explanation for why he is the only non-human creature in the entire movie, but I'm not gonna sit through a gadjillion hours of exposition to find out what it is.
Anyway, he serves the princess King Billy Zane referenced once, and she's living in exile, well-hidden where King Billy Zane's henchmen can't find her:
I made Shaughn pause the movie so I could laugh at this.
And apparently, the threat to her safety is so great, she must be surrounded by her tough and no-nonsense bodyguards. These women are, of course, consummate professionals, well-armed and armored and not some kind of cheap form of titillation.
Oh, wait...
They hear back from the goblin that Prophecy-Boy has been found and rather than doing the smart thing--sending goblin back out to lead him to them--Princess decides she and her warrior 'maidens' need to wander out and find him instead. I think this is solely so they can go swimming together. The pillow-fights and sponge baths must have gotten old.
My favorite is the one BATHING HER SWORD.
The only one of the women in this group who isn't a complete waste of space is Princess's favorite. She looks a lot like how we picture jimhines Talia, if she wore less clothing and a slightly vacant expression. She is the only person in the movie with a hint of ethnicity beyond 'European'. Guess what happens. Just guess.
"Let me guess. My death inspires the noble white chick."
A little later, King Billy Zane's guards catch up with our merry band and everybody gets slaughtered. Once all the extras are out of the way, Prophecy-Boy taps into the Force and kills all the bad guys. Then he and Princess run like four yards to the magic, glowing rock and he plunges his sword into it. Somehow, this makes King Billy Zane vaporize in his throne room, despite him NEVER ACTUALLY HAVING FACED THE HERO. EVER.
I shit you not, this is the climax.
And this guy is somehow important. He was in the dungeon and when King Billy Zane dissolved, he stopped being so fahideous. Again, for me to actually know what his deal was, I'd've had to care enough to not fast forward through his scenes in search of more King Billy Zane.
Protip: I didn't.
The movie ends with the Renn Faire folk walking through the woods again, this time in the opposite direction. The end.
And you can watch the best part of the movie right here:
This moving was awful. Not even "so bad it wrapped around to being good" just straight up awful. That being said, the scenes with Billy Zane in them are AMAZING and if you want to watch the movie for them, I can respect that. Just fast forward through the rest. Honestly, it was so bad that once Talia got killed, shogunhb stopped making us watch the scenes with the scantily clad girls in them. Though the training montage is cut with King Billy Zane's throne room where he is tragically suffering ennui while some girl belly-dances. We did get to stop and watch most of that.
Anyway, these are King Billy Zane's last lines in the movie. We're figuring he had a few others, but they were cut, unable to compare with the unadulterated awesome that was this last scene. Again, he speaks with the voice of the audience, cutting through bullshit, wanting to know how his people are so incompetent, offering workable solutions...Listen to your king, Billy Zane. He's a cool dude.
Never have I been so prophetic.
So of course, shogunhb has to go and read the info about it, because he has a love for terrible movies that I cannot comprehend. He points out that Billy Zane is in this movie and "he's a cool dude." I point out that we just passed another movie of Billy Zane's where EVEN THE NETFLIX WRITE-UP called it soft-core porn. "We all make mistakes in our youth. The gracious thing to to is ignore other people's. Let's move on."
shogunhb points out the movie was made in 2010. Now there is nothing we can do but watch it.
Click to viewDid you just watch that? Suckers. But, really, the trailer is BETTER THAN THE MOVIE. And it lies. Billy Zane doesn't star in it, and he certainly doesn't ever wield a sword like in the poster. Those are lies, to make you think you want to see this film. Trust me, you don't.
Mind you, I can't promise that this is exactly a faithful retelling, as the vast majority of the movie is a group of people sitting around a campfire, talking, and we fast forwarded through that shit because even shogunhb isn't that much of a masochist. Or a sadist. This movie was clearly made by a guy who was told 'show, don't tell' once too often and just said, "FUCK IT. I'M GOING BALLS TO THE WALL EXPOSITION!" And he did.
This is the kind of movie made on a dare. I'm 9/10's certain that's why Billy Zane agreed to do it, anyway. Also, it was made on a budget of what the director could find in his couch.
So, it opens with some establishing shots of trees and shit and then what looks like an evacuation from a Renn Faire.
That's a lot of jewelry for a refugee.
I like the 't-shirt under armor' look.
These are the Sillmarillions or something, who are the amazingly healthy, clean, and colorful slaves of the evil King Who-Gives-A-Fuck-What-His-Name-Really-Is-He's-Billy-Zane (henceforth referred to as 'King Billy Zane'). The voiceover explains that these guys are enslaved and forced to wander aimlessly in the woods blah blah blah great warrior hero nearly freed them blah blah blah chosen of destiny, shut the hell up...hey, he has a sword that glows blue, kinda like a metal lightsaber, that's almost cool...oh, look, he's captured and is about to get his head cut off, I wish I cared. Except then he's gets this minute-long speech about how the power will transfer to someone else when he's dead, but it's not actually the actor saying the lines. He's lip-synching with the voiceover and it's HILARIOUS because the words son't exactly match up and I'm like, "why isn't the axeman just cutting off his head yet, the fuck?" And then he dies before the axe gets anywhere near him and his "power" (as evinced by badly-CGI'd glowing blue eyes) goes to some kid in the crowd, like the Quickening. Except it's the Quickening from the second Highlander movie, you know, the one that everyone hates because it's so bad, the where they bastardized everything good about the franchise and made Sean Connery appear in it because they hate EVERYTHING GOOD ON THE PLANET.
After about seven minutes of voiceover introduction where we hear the plight of these guys, we then cut to a fairly prosperous medieval town that basically looks like King Richard's Faire crossed with Sturbridge Village. These are our 'enslaved and wandering' Sillmarillions again who look awfully happy with their lot.
These kids are in spotless white and playing games. Hobbit children don't look this well-adjusted.
Then there was some kind of random conversation about milking cows and not touching other men's cows and maybe it was a metaphor for sex but I don't know because that would have required me to pay attention to the god-awful dialogue and I was busy attempting to gouge out my eyes with an empty beer bottle. Then we fast forwarded because it was getting painful and stopped when we saw King Billy Zane appear on the screen. He's surrounded by a carpet of women and lounging in his throne when his two hideously deformed seers come in...
I'd take advice from these guys.
...and tell him the prophecy has come true and the boy has come forth to blahbity blah blah don't let him meet up with the princess and get the sword yadda yadda yadda, or he'll stick it in the magic rock that was blessed by the gods as it fell from heaven and bring about the end of King Billy Zane's reign.
...Another sex metaphor? Fucked if I know.
Anyway, King Billy Zane's all, "Go find this kid and kill him, duh." The thing I like best about his part? He is clearly a stand in for the audience, as he frequently says what we're thinking, delivered with his best, "You are so shitting me, right?" face. I think he was like, "You can make me be in this film, but I'm going to make up my own lines," which is why he's the only worthwhile character in the movie.
Why the fuck am I here?
Seriously, the movie was about 90 minutes long, maybe? shogunhb and I spent about 12 minutes laughing hysterically, and that's because we played each of King Billy Zane's scenes twice.
Much fast forwarding ensued, wherein the Sillmarillions are kicked out of their village and go back to traveling though the forest like a well-dressed circus, Prophecy-Boy's dad or mentor or some shit is killed, he meets this creepy goblin-thing that is all, "You're the destined one!" and Prophecy-Boy runs away when the goblin starts having some kind of laughing-fit/seizure. This is the only time we ever see him act intelligently. Then he meets up with this guy who promises to teach him to fight so he can avenge his dead father/mentor/what-the-fuck-ever.
Where the fuck did this guy even COME FROM?!
At this point, I've decided someone has filmed the worst D&D LARP ever. I still have no idea who decided there should be some kind of creepy goblin thing or what purposed he serves. For all I know, there may be a perfectly logical explanation for why he is the only non-human creature in the entire movie, but I'm not gonna sit through a gadjillion hours of exposition to find out what it is.
Anyway, he serves the princess King Billy Zane referenced once, and she's living in exile, well-hidden where King Billy Zane's henchmen can't find her:
I made Shaughn pause the movie so I could laugh at this.
And apparently, the threat to her safety is so great, she must be surrounded by her tough and no-nonsense bodyguards. These women are, of course, consummate professionals, well-armed and armored and not some kind of cheap form of titillation.
Oh, wait...
They hear back from the goblin that Prophecy-Boy has been found and rather than doing the smart thing--sending goblin back out to lead him to them--Princess decides she and her warrior 'maidens' need to wander out and find him instead. I think this is solely so they can go swimming together. The pillow-fights and sponge baths must have gotten old.
My favorite is the one BATHING HER SWORD.
The only one of the women in this group who isn't a complete waste of space is Princess's favorite. She looks a lot like how we picture jimhines Talia, if she wore less clothing and a slightly vacant expression. She is the only person in the movie with a hint of ethnicity beyond 'European'. Guess what happens. Just guess.
"Let me guess. My death inspires the noble white chick."
A little later, King Billy Zane's guards catch up with our merry band and everybody gets slaughtered. Once all the extras are out of the way, Prophecy-Boy taps into the Force and kills all the bad guys. Then he and Princess run like four yards to the magic, glowing rock and he plunges his sword into it. Somehow, this makes King Billy Zane vaporize in his throne room, despite him NEVER ACTUALLY HAVING FACED THE HERO. EVER.
I shit you not, this is the climax.
And this guy is somehow important. He was in the dungeon and when King Billy Zane dissolved, he stopped being so fahideous. Again, for me to actually know what his deal was, I'd've had to care enough to not fast forward through his scenes in search of more King Billy Zane.
Protip: I didn't.
The movie ends with the Renn Faire folk walking through the woods again, this time in the opposite direction. The end.
And you can watch the best part of the movie right here:
This moving was awful. Not even "so bad it wrapped around to being good" just straight up awful. That being said, the scenes with Billy Zane in them are AMAZING and if you want to watch the movie for them, I can respect that. Just fast forward through the rest. Honestly, it was so bad that once Talia got killed, shogunhb stopped making us watch the scenes with the scantily clad girls in them. Though the training montage is cut with King Billy Zane's throne room where he is tragically suffering ennui while some girl belly-dances. We did get to stop and watch most of that.
Anyway, these are King Billy Zane's last lines in the movie. We're figuring he had a few others, but they were cut, unable to compare with the unadulterated awesome that was this last scene. Again, he speaks with the voice of the audience, cutting through bullshit, wanting to know how his people are so incompetent, offering workable solutions...Listen to your king, Billy Zane. He's a cool dude.