What--did you actually think I was going to STAY silent?
...You know me, right? Silent isn't what I do.
Also, I'm not putting this behind an LJ cut even though there are offensive words in it. I feel the words I use (not curses, but derogatory names) are important to getting my point across. I also feel that this entry is too important to be easily ignorable.
Anyway, to recap, yesterday in an f-locked post, one friend posted her views on same-sex marriage which are fairly identical to mine: no one has the right to deny two people of the same sex the right to marry. Denying that right to consenting adults on the basis of their sex or sexual orientation is wrong and bigoted, just like denying that right to consenting adults on the basis of other identity issues is wrong and bigoted. In addition to deny the right to same-sex couples to marry, she and I both agree that telling a kid--okay, any person, but especially a kid--that part of who they are, part of their very identity, and certainly nothing they chose or asked for is 'wrong' or 'bad' or 'sinful' is a horrible thing to do. Over the past few days, my f-list has exploded with stories about bullying in school: being too short, too fat, to uncoordinated, to geeky, too poor, too skinny. We can all agree that shit hurts, yes? Anytime we're told that who and what we are isn't 'good'--not just isn't 'good enough', but just isn't 'good,' isn't 'right,' isn't 'okay'--is hurts. It hurts to the point where some people tried to kill themselves just to make the pain stop. In the case of Justin Aeberg, Billy Lucas, Cody Barker, Asher Brown, Seth Walsh, Tyler Clementi, and so many, many, many more over the past months and years and decades, they succeed in killing themselves because they honestly can't see any other way out.
It hurts straight kids to be called 'faggot' or 'dyke.' I've read this in your journals for the past few days, where being short, or skinny, or athletic, or even just good at math was seen as enough reason to be labeled by these names; the actual sexual orientation of the person so targeted was never even an issue. Now imagine being actually gay for a moment. Imagine hearing that and how much it must kill you inside to hear a part of you so denigrated. So hated. So disgusting. So wrong. A part of you is so foul that it can be used as as a random insult for everyone and everything because no matter who uses it or why, it's understood to be one of the worst insults possible. What kind of message does that send?
I have been called a nigger before. Multiple times. As painful and as ugly as that word is, I at least have the comfort to know that most people won't use it. That saying it, hearing, it, even reading it makes people flinch. Thinking about that sick feeling I got whenever I heard it addressed to me, or that I get even now, hearing it used, I have to stop and think--how would I feel if I heard it directed at others, not because they have any African ancestry in their makeup at all, but because it was simply the filthiest thing someone could think to hurl at another human being, the nastiest thing they could think to say to make someone else feel little and small and broken inside.
I'm tearing up. There's answer enough for me.
So here we are. We have kids--we have people--being told that part of who they are is wrong and bad. That it makes them less of a person--so much less that their entire lives will be marked by it. In many states, they cannot marry the person of the sex of their choice. They cannot adopt children--in some states, their children can be taken away from them. They cannot visit their lifelong partners in the hospital, or make emergency decisions, or something as final as funerary appointments. They cannot serve in our military without lying or hiding. When they make plans to visit abroad, they have to be careful about where they go because they can be arrested, beaten, or otherwise 'punished' by the governing body of certain countries. Even in this country, they have to worry, to fear, to decide which is more important: their health or their desire to walk down the street with their loved one. They have to decide whether going to the party is worth the risk of it being a trap, of being denigrated, robbed, hurt, beaten and left tied to a fence. Raped. Killed.
This? This is bad enough. Having what can feel like your entire society turned against you and hating you--I can only imagine that it feels like you're drowning all the time and those few chances you have to break the surface, someone else is ready to push you back down.
But it gets worse. It is one thing to be greeted with sticks and stones and hurtful words, to have your enemies ringed around you. That sucks, but, at least, you know what you're looking at. It's another thing entirely to have this bigotry come to you in the guise of a friend, a neighbor, caring and well-intentioned, but bearing the same hateful, hurtful message: You are not right; what you are, what you feel, is a mistake, is wrong, is sinful-bad-dirty. They may not be coming at it from a point of judgment, of holier-than-thou explanations of why they are right and you are not.
My godmother did this for awhile; would send me emails and forwards about how we have to 'save' or 'protect' marriage. Not because she didn't like the gays; oh no, Some of her Best Friends(tm) growing up are gay now, or because she thought she was better or anything, but simply because marriage is sacred and special and Not For Them. But it didn't matter her motivations or her beliefs. She honestly believed that there were rights she was entitled to that deserved to be kept away from someone else. This is wrong. This is bigoted. And it is cruel.
One of the arguments that came up in the post that I referenced at the beginning is the idea that we are all sinners and, somehow, that excused the belief that homosexuality is a sin. I disagree. On a lot of levels, actually, but let's keep it to the relevant points, shall we? The belief that we are all sinners is one thing: no one is perfect, we are all fallen, whatever. Sometime this is bolstered with the idea that we are all equally sinners; no sinner is worse than another so, supposedly, there's no room to judge amongst ourselves.
I feel that this is where the argument really begins to break down. Using some of the more commonly accepted reasons why I am a sinner (beyond the whole 'original sin' concept): I use birth control. I had sex long before I married. I lose my temper a lot. I have significant trouble honoring my parents--though, in my defense, have you met them? I don't go to church. I'm an agnostic, but far closer to the atheist end of the spectrum than deist. With the exception of that last bit, all these sins? They're things I do. They don't define me as a person (okay, maybe my issues with my parents, too). They aren't an intrinsic part of my identity. Many of them also have the societal backing of, "Well, that's not so bad." I'm married now, right? So anytime I sex up my husband, it's good! Well, there's still that birth control thing, but I can stop that at any time, right? Any one of these sins, I can turn around, repent, and change without a significant alteration to my life or my idea of who I am. My self-identity doesn't involve my Depo-Provera. My self-identity does involve my decision to not have children, yes, but no specific method of birth-control (or even the concept of birth control) actually plays a role in my thoughts of who I am.
Basically, once we get around 'mortal and thus, born into sin' stuff, most of my sins are sins of action (and those sins that stem from me not actually believing in any of this, but indulge me my rhetoric, a'ight?) Telling someone that being gay is a sin is a whole different ballgame. Now you're not telling them that what they do is sinful, you're telling them what they are is sinful. And this goes past that 'everyone is a sinner' thing because if it were simply that, then there'd be no reason to point this little tidbit out. It is 'everyone is a sinner--but you more, because who you love and desire is an affront to God and mine isn't.' Sure, you may say, "It's not the desires that make being gay wrong, it's acting on it," but unlike the few, small changes I'd have to institute to make my sex life right with God, you're telling something that their every sex-related urge and drive is bad. While I'm boffing my husband in merry, bareback abandon, there is nothing they can do to have that same freedom. And don't even give me, "Well, they can marry someone of the opposite sex and do the same." Seriously, if you even try that argument, I will slap you through the internet.
In the end, there is no equality here. I can act upon my natural desires without repercussion and they cannot. I do sinful things. They are inherently sinful. How is that an acceptable distinction to draw? You may think you're helping, or even just not hurting, but it isn't true. You're not. You're telling someone that there is a part of them that doesn't deserve love, respect, and acceptance. Whether they share your beliefs or not, that hurts. It can kill. How is it okay to tell someone that?
Bottom line? It isn't. And if your beliefs say otherwise, then I cannot in good conscience agree with, trust, or accept your beliefs. I can never agree with a system that tells people that love between consenting adults is wrong. I can never agree to a set of beliefs that says making people feel ashamed about who and what they are is an okay thing to do.
It's just not.
Also, I'm not putting this behind an LJ cut even though there are offensive words in it. I feel the words I use (not curses, but derogatory names) are important to getting my point across. I also feel that this entry is too important to be easily ignorable.
Anyway, to recap, yesterday in an f-locked post, one friend posted her views on same-sex marriage which are fairly identical to mine: no one has the right to deny two people of the same sex the right to marry. Denying that right to consenting adults on the basis of their sex or sexual orientation is wrong and bigoted, just like denying that right to consenting adults on the basis of other identity issues is wrong and bigoted. In addition to deny the right to same-sex couples to marry, she and I both agree that telling a kid--okay, any person, but especially a kid--that part of who they are, part of their very identity, and certainly nothing they chose or asked for is 'wrong' or 'bad' or 'sinful' is a horrible thing to do. Over the past few days, my f-list has exploded with stories about bullying in school: being too short, too fat, to uncoordinated, to geeky, too poor, too skinny. We can all agree that shit hurts, yes? Anytime we're told that who and what we are isn't 'good'--not just isn't 'good enough', but just isn't 'good,' isn't 'right,' isn't 'okay'--is hurts. It hurts to the point where some people tried to kill themselves just to make the pain stop. In the case of Justin Aeberg, Billy Lucas, Cody Barker, Asher Brown, Seth Walsh, Tyler Clementi, and so many, many, many more over the past months and years and decades, they succeed in killing themselves because they honestly can't see any other way out.
It hurts straight kids to be called 'faggot' or 'dyke.' I've read this in your journals for the past few days, where being short, or skinny, or athletic, or even just good at math was seen as enough reason to be labeled by these names; the actual sexual orientation of the person so targeted was never even an issue. Now imagine being actually gay for a moment. Imagine hearing that and how much it must kill you inside to hear a part of you so denigrated. So hated. So disgusting. So wrong. A part of you is so foul that it can be used as as a random insult for everyone and everything because no matter who uses it or why, it's understood to be one of the worst insults possible. What kind of message does that send?
I have been called a nigger before. Multiple times. As painful and as ugly as that word is, I at least have the comfort to know that most people won't use it. That saying it, hearing, it, even reading it makes people flinch. Thinking about that sick feeling I got whenever I heard it addressed to me, or that I get even now, hearing it used, I have to stop and think--how would I feel if I heard it directed at others, not because they have any African ancestry in their makeup at all, but because it was simply the filthiest thing someone could think to hurl at another human being, the nastiest thing they could think to say to make someone else feel little and small and broken inside.
I'm tearing up. There's answer enough for me.
So here we are. We have kids--we have people--being told that part of who they are is wrong and bad. That it makes them less of a person--so much less that their entire lives will be marked by it. In many states, they cannot marry the person of the sex of their choice. They cannot adopt children--in some states, their children can be taken away from them. They cannot visit their lifelong partners in the hospital, or make emergency decisions, or something as final as funerary appointments. They cannot serve in our military without lying or hiding. When they make plans to visit abroad, they have to be careful about where they go because they can be arrested, beaten, or otherwise 'punished' by the governing body of certain countries. Even in this country, they have to worry, to fear, to decide which is more important: their health or their desire to walk down the street with their loved one. They have to decide whether going to the party is worth the risk of it being a trap, of being denigrated, robbed, hurt, beaten and left tied to a fence. Raped. Killed.
This? This is bad enough. Having what can feel like your entire society turned against you and hating you--I can only imagine that it feels like you're drowning all the time and those few chances you have to break the surface, someone else is ready to push you back down.
But it gets worse. It is one thing to be greeted with sticks and stones and hurtful words, to have your enemies ringed around you. That sucks, but, at least, you know what you're looking at. It's another thing entirely to have this bigotry come to you in the guise of a friend, a neighbor, caring and well-intentioned, but bearing the same hateful, hurtful message: You are not right; what you are, what you feel, is a mistake, is wrong, is sinful-bad-dirty. They may not be coming at it from a point of judgment, of holier-than-thou explanations of why they are right and you are not.
My godmother did this for awhile; would send me emails and forwards about how we have to 'save' or 'protect' marriage. Not because she didn't like the gays; oh no, Some of her Best Friends(tm) growing up are gay now, or because she thought she was better or anything, but simply because marriage is sacred and special and Not For Them. But it didn't matter her motivations or her beliefs. She honestly believed that there were rights she was entitled to that deserved to be kept away from someone else. This is wrong. This is bigoted. And it is cruel.
One of the arguments that came up in the post that I referenced at the beginning is the idea that we are all sinners and, somehow, that excused the belief that homosexuality is a sin. I disagree. On a lot of levels, actually, but let's keep it to the relevant points, shall we? The belief that we are all sinners is one thing: no one is perfect, we are all fallen, whatever. Sometime this is bolstered with the idea that we are all equally sinners; no sinner is worse than another so, supposedly, there's no room to judge amongst ourselves.
I feel that this is where the argument really begins to break down. Using some of the more commonly accepted reasons why I am a sinner (beyond the whole 'original sin' concept): I use birth control. I had sex long before I married. I lose my temper a lot. I have significant trouble honoring my parents--though, in my defense, have you met them? I don't go to church. I'm an agnostic, but far closer to the atheist end of the spectrum than deist. With the exception of that last bit, all these sins? They're things I do. They don't define me as a person (okay, maybe my issues with my parents, too). They aren't an intrinsic part of my identity. Many of them also have the societal backing of, "Well, that's not so bad." I'm married now, right? So anytime I sex up my husband, it's good! Well, there's still that birth control thing, but I can stop that at any time, right? Any one of these sins, I can turn around, repent, and change without a significant alteration to my life or my idea of who I am. My self-identity doesn't involve my Depo-Provera. My self-identity does involve my decision to not have children, yes, but no specific method of birth-control (or even the concept of birth control) actually plays a role in my thoughts of who I am.
Basically, once we get around 'mortal and thus, born into sin' stuff, most of my sins are sins of action (and those sins that stem from me not actually believing in any of this, but indulge me my rhetoric, a'ight?) Telling someone that being gay is a sin is a whole different ballgame. Now you're not telling them that what they do is sinful, you're telling them what they are is sinful. And this goes past that 'everyone is a sinner' thing because if it were simply that, then there'd be no reason to point this little tidbit out. It is 'everyone is a sinner--but you more, because who you love and desire is an affront to God and mine isn't.' Sure, you may say, "It's not the desires that make being gay wrong, it's acting on it," but unlike the few, small changes I'd have to institute to make my sex life right with God, you're telling something that their every sex-related urge and drive is bad. While I'm boffing my husband in merry, bareback abandon, there is nothing they can do to have that same freedom. And don't even give me, "Well, they can marry someone of the opposite sex and do the same." Seriously, if you even try that argument, I will slap you through the internet.
In the end, there is no equality here. I can act upon my natural desires without repercussion and they cannot. I do sinful things. They are inherently sinful. How is that an acceptable distinction to draw? You may think you're helping, or even just not hurting, but it isn't true. You're not. You're telling someone that there is a part of them that doesn't deserve love, respect, and acceptance. Whether they share your beliefs or not, that hurts. It can kill. How is it okay to tell someone that?
Bottom line? It isn't. And if your beliefs say otherwise, then I cannot in good conscience agree with, trust, or accept your beliefs. I can never agree with a system that tells people that love between consenting adults is wrong. I can never agree to a set of beliefs that says making people feel ashamed about who and what they are is an okay thing to do.
It's just not.