Much bitterness and sarcasm ensues
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it looks like America's in for another four years of ass-raping sans lube. Fortunately, it looks like they decided to include the glass shards again so we can be good and fucked. Hey, I know that I don't like being violated by my government unless I know that they're putting a lot of feeling into it. And, well, nothing adds that personal touch like a good dose of glass shards. Interestingly enough, everyone else I come in contact with seems to feel the same way. I've got a couple of LJ friends from foreign countries who are in deep mourning now that we've re-elected Bush. Look at it this way, my fellow Americans, at least we know that the rest of the world is going to be gang-raped along with us.
But really folks, what do we have to complain about? Granted, my rights as a woman are about to get stripped away like a sorority girl's bra on MTV Spring Break, but what the hell? I mean, come on, was I really using them anyway? And really, when was the last time someone had to get a back-alley abortion with a rust coat hanger or broken coke bottle? We all know that there's a bias in history--those were prolly really fun & rewarding experiences that the Roe v Wade ruling took away from us. I'm not really sure about the whole kids thing anyway, so a hole poked through my uterus or a raging infection that makes me sterile caused my unsanitary medical conditions are prolly a good thing. Lemme get them while I'm young. Who knows? Maybe I'll get a special 2-for-1 deal.
But we'll be getting a few privileges to make up for the loss rights over our own bodies. Starting as early as 2005, we could start getting drafted! Finally, an equality that makes sense! Teach us to not be happy with our sanctified roles as wives and mothers! Shit, I was satiated with my right to vote, dammit! And it's not like school would be a reason to keep us from the front--we'd get to finish out our semester (or senior year, depending) and then get shipped out to whatever justified war we're fighting next. Like Luxembourg. We gotta show them European fuckers that we ain't takin' no shit from no one! Especiall if they try to get all uppity with the EU or something. Trying to compete with America as if they had a right to. Thank Bush I get to fight in a war I truly believe in. Oh, and maybe once he's "pacified" the rest of the world, he can get around to fighting that excellently run ""War on Terrorism." Of course, I might be ineligible cause I'll still be recovering from that thrilling back-alley abortion session, but with my lack of health insurance, I'm sure I'll only take a couple of extra months to heal. Unless, of course, I need some kind of prescription drug. Then I'm totally fucked.
Speaking of fucking, honestly, do kids really need to know more about sex than "don't do it"? Research* has proven that a problem simply goes away by ignoring it. Look at Osama bin Ladin! Has anyone heard from him lately? No! Why? Because we've ignored him to illegally invade a sovereign nation and send over a thousand of our boys to death. And look. It's like--POOF!--he's gone. Obviously it'll work the same way with sex. Cause we all know that kids love obeying authority, so whenever an adult says "just abstain" all those hormonal teens'll nod like bobble-head dolls and go right along with it. Maybe they'll take up fun new hobbies like parcheesi or monopoly. Thank God (the Christian one, of course) that we don't live in a society that glamorizes sex, otherwise we'd have a real problem. And handing out condoms and literature on safer sex was a stupid idea in the first place. It's like giving permission to teens to go out and fuck like rabbits. I mean, granted, they were a lot safer doing so, but again, no one will have sex now until they're at least 18 and graduated. Or maybe we should treat sex like drinking and forbid anyone from engaing in it until they're 21. That should do the trick. C'mon, underage drinking is non-existant, so who'd have underage sex? Yep, that's it, no sex till age 21, at least.
Oh, except for them gay boys and girls. No sex for them ever. I know I'm personally hoping they'll not only pass that Constitutional amendment, but that they'll bring back sodomy laws for all 50 states. The knowledge that someone, sonewhere, might be engaging in anal sex makes me shiver and get all sad inside. Anal sex is the personal right of the government (see my first paragraph) and they don't want anyone honing in on their territory. And everyone knows that gays can't love the person they're with--that's the exclusive province of heterosexuals. Cause everyone knows that hets don't go around having indiscriminate sex. Research* proves that the skyrocketing stats on heterosexual AIDS and other STD cases are just lies spread by the gay, Jewish, liberal media like Fox News. That's another reason why gays shouldn't marry. Not just cause God says so (oh, not every God, of course, just the important one), but cause those homos just wouldn't know how to treat marriage properly. They'd certainly bring down the sanctity of my marriage. Thank God, we've got celebrities like Britney Spears and Nikki Hilton to show us what marriage is truly about. But there's more to marriage than just the gay agenda. If we're really lucky, we'll go back to the early 70's, and make interracial relationships illegal again too! Sorry Shaughn, I love you, but I know better than to pollute the Aryan race with my sub-standard genes. Saint Strom Thurmond said so.
Well, there are a ton of other issues I could address right now, but I figure I'll leave that for another time. After all, too much of a good thing and I'll end up crying again--tears of joy of course. I think I'll go back and reread 1984 and The Handmaid's tale so I can get a better idea of the Utopian society I'll be blessed enough to live in for the next four years--assuming, of course, my applications for dual-citizenship to Non-America are denied. I hear that Palestine and North Korea are lovely this time of year.
Yours in pain and suffering,
N. Vivian
* Research done by the Ignorant Asshole Corporation of America
But really folks, what do we have to complain about? Granted, my rights as a woman are about to get stripped away like a sorority girl's bra on MTV Spring Break, but what the hell? I mean, come on, was I really using them anyway? And really, when was the last time someone had to get a back-alley abortion with a rust coat hanger or broken coke bottle? We all know that there's a bias in history--those were prolly really fun & rewarding experiences that the Roe v Wade ruling took away from us. I'm not really sure about the whole kids thing anyway, so a hole poked through my uterus or a raging infection that makes me sterile caused my unsanitary medical conditions are prolly a good thing. Lemme get them while I'm young. Who knows? Maybe I'll get a special 2-for-1 deal.
But we'll be getting a few privileges to make up for the loss rights over our own bodies. Starting as early as 2005, we could start getting drafted! Finally, an equality that makes sense! Teach us to not be happy with our sanctified roles as wives and mothers! Shit, I was satiated with my right to vote, dammit! And it's not like school would be a reason to keep us from the front--we'd get to finish out our semester (or senior year, depending) and then get shipped out to whatever justified war we're fighting next. Like Luxembourg. We gotta show them European fuckers that we ain't takin' no shit from no one! Especiall if they try to get all uppity with the EU or something. Trying to compete with America as if they had a right to. Thank Bush I get to fight in a war I truly believe in. Oh, and maybe once he's "pacified" the rest of the world, he can get around to fighting that excellently run ""War on Terrorism." Of course, I might be ineligible cause I'll still be recovering from that thrilling back-alley abortion session, but with my lack of health insurance, I'm sure I'll only take a couple of extra months to heal. Unless, of course, I need some kind of prescription drug. Then I'm totally fucked.
Speaking of fucking, honestly, do kids really need to know more about sex than "don't do it"? Research* has proven that a problem simply goes away by ignoring it. Look at Osama bin Ladin! Has anyone heard from him lately? No! Why? Because we've ignored him to illegally invade a sovereign nation and send over a thousand of our boys to death. And look. It's like--POOF!--he's gone. Obviously it'll work the same way with sex. Cause we all know that kids love obeying authority, so whenever an adult says "just abstain" all those hormonal teens'll nod like bobble-head dolls and go right along with it. Maybe they'll take up fun new hobbies like parcheesi or monopoly. Thank God (the Christian one, of course) that we don't live in a society that glamorizes sex, otherwise we'd have a real problem. And handing out condoms and literature on safer sex was a stupid idea in the first place. It's like giving permission to teens to go out and fuck like rabbits. I mean, granted, they were a lot safer doing so, but again, no one will have sex now until they're at least 18 and graduated. Or maybe we should treat sex like drinking and forbid anyone from engaing in it until they're 21. That should do the trick. C'mon, underage drinking is non-existant, so who'd have underage sex? Yep, that's it, no sex till age 21, at least.
Oh, except for them gay boys and girls. No sex for them ever. I know I'm personally hoping they'll not only pass that Constitutional amendment, but that they'll bring back sodomy laws for all 50 states. The knowledge that someone, sonewhere, might be engaging in anal sex makes me shiver and get all sad inside. Anal sex is the personal right of the government (see my first paragraph) and they don't want anyone honing in on their territory. And everyone knows that gays can't love the person they're with--that's the exclusive province of heterosexuals. Cause everyone knows that hets don't go around having indiscriminate sex. Research* proves that the skyrocketing stats on heterosexual AIDS and other STD cases are just lies spread by the gay, Jewish, liberal media like Fox News. That's another reason why gays shouldn't marry. Not just cause God says so (oh, not every God, of course, just the important one), but cause those homos just wouldn't know how to treat marriage properly. They'd certainly bring down the sanctity of my marriage. Thank God, we've got celebrities like Britney Spears and Nikki Hilton to show us what marriage is truly about. But there's more to marriage than just the gay agenda. If we're really lucky, we'll go back to the early 70's, and make interracial relationships illegal again too! Sorry Shaughn, I love you, but I know better than to pollute the Aryan race with my sub-standard genes. Saint Strom Thurmond said so.
Well, there are a ton of other issues I could address right now, but I figure I'll leave that for another time. After all, too much of a good thing and I'll end up crying again--tears of joy of course. I think I'll go back and reread 1984 and The Handmaid's tale so I can get a better idea of the Utopian society I'll be blessed enough to live in for the next four years--assuming, of course, my applications for dual-citizenship to Non-America are denied. I hear that Palestine and North Korea are lovely this time of year.
Yours in pain and suffering,
N. Vivian
* Research done by the Ignorant Asshole Corporation of America