Decor Sad
Last night as I sat in my living room, I looked around at the Autumn and Halloween decorations I put out this year and felt happy / sad. Happy that I had put them out and that I liked them because they are cute and because Mom and I both love to decorate for the seasons. Sad because most of the décor is things that we picked out together but Mom can’t be here to enjoy it. The little ghosts dancing around a haunted tree and the haunted house we bought from PartyLite were her favorites.We used to have a haunted laboratory but that disappeared a few years back. Perhaps I should replace it. Decorating for a holiday makes me remember all the fun (and some fights) we used to have as we put up lights and such. Mom always wanted to make our house a haunted house but we never had the time, energy, and resources to do that. Perhaps I’ll do that one year soon. Christmas is not any easier. We never had enough lights on the trees at Christmas time and so every year we would buy more lights. When we finally lost the house and had to give up the 9’ tree we had 25 strings of lights for that one tree. It was magnificent. I miss the joy and the delight she took in every holiday and in every change of season. I wish her soul and her heart were flying free so I could believe that she could come to visit and to see. I miss her even though she is still living. Dementia has destroyed her joy and energy and I want so much to find a way to fix her and to give her even one more hour of true living again. I will not take my life for granted because I don’t know what is around the corner. That’s why I want to stabilize my income. Once that’s steady, I can do those things that I haven’t had the time, energy and resources for. I may not ever be wealthy but I’ll decorate and create for as long as Goddess allows. And I’ll pray that Mom gets to fly free to see me do it.