Feeling Bitter
I went to Hockey training tonight. I had asked to be included in the 1sts this week because they are playing against my former club at my former home ground. This other club treated me shamefully when I was injured last year and I have been burning all year to get to play against them and show them that I am not the broken down, no use anymore so lets ignore her and see if she gets the hint, unwanted player they imagined they had.
After selection the Coach came out and told me I would not be selected because he felt it was unnecessary of me to think that way about them and that he believed he would do me a favour my not letting me play them. He said that I had done so well this year that they would know and regret their mistake already and that that was all I needed, and that going out there with such an angry mindset would not let be play well so I could end up feeling even worse.
BULLSHIT~!!!
I NEEDED THIS~!! I needed this to get the pain and anger and frustration out of my system once and for all, so that I could finally END the bitterness I feel.
For the rest of training I was a ticking time bomb and I'm sure the girls could see how hurt I was because they all came to me and offered their sympathy, but I don't need their sympathy. I needed a chance to heal a damaged part of my psyche and I have bloody EARNED that chance. I've fought back from leukemia and illness, ignored injury and pain, been there every night in the freezing cold and rain and then asked for one simple thing to be granted to me.
The coach did what he feels was right. I respect his decision and will abide by it, but it SUCKS and I am FURIOUS~!! I know myself by now - no matter how much I try to be calm and demure and friendly about the decision I will be so churned up and angry on Saturday that I will end up being reported or sent off or something and right at this moment I don't give a shit.
I hope I calm down by the game. I don't think I will.
After selection the Coach came out and told me I would not be selected because he felt it was unnecessary of me to think that way about them and that he believed he would do me a favour my not letting me play them. He said that I had done so well this year that they would know and regret their mistake already and that that was all I needed, and that going out there with such an angry mindset would not let be play well so I could end up feeling even worse.
BULLSHIT~!!!
I NEEDED THIS~!! I needed this to get the pain and anger and frustration out of my system once and for all, so that I could finally END the bitterness I feel.
For the rest of training I was a ticking time bomb and I'm sure the girls could see how hurt I was because they all came to me and offered their sympathy, but I don't need their sympathy. I needed a chance to heal a damaged part of my psyche and I have bloody EARNED that chance. I've fought back from leukemia and illness, ignored injury and pain, been there every night in the freezing cold and rain and then asked for one simple thing to be granted to me.
The coach did what he feels was right. I respect his decision and will abide by it, but it SUCKS and I am FURIOUS~!! I know myself by now - no matter how much I try to be calm and demure and friendly about the decision I will be so churned up and angry on Saturday that I will end up being reported or sent off or something and right at this moment I don't give a shit.
I hope I calm down by the game. I don't think I will.