Patricide [fic]
Title: Patricide
Author:
shadowbyrd
Rating: PG
Characters: Will and Marian, hints at Will/Marian
Word Count: 1818
Summary: A conversation about grief and guilt.
Warnings: Spoilers for 2x04 and 2x07
A/N: For friend and muse
missmomoko, because the bit that I originally promised you is still not finished (and around 4200 words).
It was taking longer than Marian expected to adjust to life in the woods. It was harsher than she expected; colder, dirtier and it turned out finding food could actually be quite a problem. Who’d have thought? Still, the freedom she enjoyed now was worth it; better this than living in relative comfort as a political prisoner.
That said there were things that she still yearned for, privacy chief among them. She tried every now and again to get away from camp, away from the gang that she didn’t quite fit with - not yet anyway. Robin had followed her from a distance the first couple of times, and seemed hurt when she took him to one side and asked him to stop. A small row had begun, which the rest of the gang tried to ignore, awkwardly walking around her and Robin to go about their business until Little John sighed loudly and stepped in, managing to settle it rather neatly. All couples needed time apart every now and again, and that was all Marian wanted. It was true, he had added with a purposeful look in her direction, that it was dangerous to wander through the woods on one’s own, but it was a right that the rest of the gang had.
Robin had scowled, but had been for the most part unable to argue back. He made her promise to at very least allow him to send someone after her. Marian had pointed out that it rather negated her wish to be alone, but in the end was forced to agree.
Much sat with her the most and tended to chatter a lot, about how the gang under appreciated him and all he did for them - Marian privately agreed, especially as far as Robin was concerned, but didn’t like to encourage him - about all the niggling little worries he had, like where the food was going to come from, what they were going to do about a new shirt for Will because the one he was wearing was falling to pieces and he was still growing, and about the future, how he hoped to live when all this is over. If it weren’t for the fact that Marian wished to be alone with her own thoughts she wouldn’t mind listening to what Much has to say. It was oddly soothing to know that there was someone in the gang who worried about these little things.
Little John just stood there, towering over her. He said little except to ask how she was feeling, or if he felt she needed to hear some common sense. Or if he and the gang felt that Robin needed to hear some common sense and asked her to pass it along.
Marian enjoyed Djaq’s company the most. It was nice to talk to another woman, even though her and Djaq’s experiences differed somewhat; the stupidity of men was universal.
Though, truthfully Marian only really received the quiet she was looking for with Will. He was silent, all too often caught up in his own thoughts, and tended to sit a tree or two away from her. He was only sent after her occasionally, though those times he was she often found herself forgetting that he was there.
But tonight…tonight wasn’t like that.
Tonight she had a dream about her father, lying as she found him, very clearly dead, and yet alive enough to tilt his head and stare at her accusingly, just enough blood moving sluggishly through him to move his lips. No words came out, but she heard them all the same.
You did this. All your fault.
She had managed to hold off the tears until she was out of earshot of the others and then sat down under an old Yew tree to cry her heart out. Robin had told her of her father’s last words, would remind her of them when the bleak reality threatened to overwhelm her, but the fact is it was her fault, it was her spiteful words said in a moment of frustration that killed him, and no amount “it’s good to dream” could ever take that away.
Nearby she heard a twig snap. Marian tensed. “Who’s there?” It came out thick and sloppy, tears rolling off of it. Marian comforted herself with the fact that it would only make the surprise when she gutted whoever was trying to creep up on her all the greater.
Will materialised out of the shadows, hands up. “’S just me.” He peered at her and frowned “You alright?”
“I’m fine.” Marian snapped, far too quickly to be convincing.
Will paused. “Right.” He sank down slowly to sit under one of the trees. “Mind if I join you for a bit?”
Marian felt like saying “Yes” and telling him to leave in the most unlady-like way she knew. But she held her tongue, without quite knowing why and just shrugged, pretending to rub her face from tiredness so she could wipe the telling tear marks away. Even as she did so it hit her that it was a silly thing to do; she couldn’t see his face, after all.
There was another, more audible pause from Will. “You have a nightmare?”
“No.”
“Oh. Just fancied sitting out in the woods in the middle of the night then?”
Marian pursed her lips, re-considering telling him to leave.
“It’s fine if you are.” Will added. “I do it from time to time. Only way you can be sure of being on your own. Usually, anyway.”
Marian softens a little towards him. “Is that why you were up just now?”
She saw him duck his head and could hear him smiling “Actually, I went out for a piss. Then I came back, you were gone.” He shrugged and glanced up. “Just wondered if you were alright.”
“I’m fine.” said Marian, taking pains not to stress the “fine” too hard. “Really. It’s like you said, I just wanted to come out here and have a think, that’s all.”
“You thinking about your Dad?”
It surprised Marian more than it probably should; it was very unlike Will to be so forward, especially with her. “No.”
Will tipped his head back, staring up through the tree branches. Marian could still see the faint smile and hear the soft “Liar.”
“If you know then why ask?” asked Marian, shifting so she was turned away from him.
“How are you holding up?”
Marian glanced over her shoulder. Still looking for stars. She shrugged even though he couldn’t see her. “Not much to cope with really, is there? I mean - he’s dead. That’s that.”
Will let his head fall back forward and gave her a withering look. Marian couldn’t help laughing, though she sobered quickly. “I’m sorry.” she said “I forget.”
Will ignored her. “Djaq said you feel responsible.”
Marian turned away. “Because I am.”
“How?” Will urged.
Marian picked up one of the pebbles in front of her, considered throwing it at him. She could get him between the eyes. Maybe he’d go away finally.
“Marian.” The hand on her shoulder took her by surprise and made her drop the pebble. Will was now crouched next to her. “How was it your fault?”
Marian picked the pebble back up, turning it over in her hands. “I said - I said things to him, before.” Her throat was trying to close around the words and the tears coming back. “I said - “ she swallowed. “I told him I was ashamed of him. Ashamed that we hadn’t done more while Robin had been away.”
Will sounded confused. “There wasn’t much either of you could do - not once he’d stepped down - “
“I know that!” The cry came out louder than she meant, her voice suddenly high and glass brittle. “I was angry with him and then he - it was stupid! I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it, and it was the last thing I ever said to him.” She buried her face in her knees, hugging them tightly to her chest. In pieces again. So much for pride.
Will squeezed her shoulder and, seeing how little that did pulled her against him in an awkward hug.
“It’s not your fault.”
“Yes it is.”
“It’s not.” Will insisted. “He’d have done what he did anyway - the only reason he argued with you is because he didn’t want you to do anything. He believed what you doing, but he wanted you to be safe. That’s why. And whatever it was you said to him, it doesn’t matter. He knows you loved him. He was just trying to show that he loved you too.”
They’re nice words, make more sense than most of the comforts she’s had from Robin. She thought on them for a moment.
It’s good to dream.
I love you. And I’m proud of you and what you’re doing. Never doubt it.
She remembers packing to meet the woman dressed as an Abbess, her father’s reluctant acceptance. Why didn’t she see these things before? Why only now, when it was too late?
She leant her head against will’s shoulder and sighed. “Do you tell yourself these things as well?”
“Yes.”
“And do they comfort you?”
Will went quiet, ducking his head again. “He was proud.” he said slow and soft as though speaking to himself. Perhaps he was. “He believed what we were doing was right. He was just afraid of something happening. If I’d been older, more capable. Wiser - “ he sighed. “He was proud of me. And he knew I was angry with him because I loved him. Most days that’ll do.”
“They don’t, then?”
Will shrugged as much as he could without dislodging Marian. “I was worse than you. I couldn’t handle what I’d done. Concentrated on revenge. Didn’t matter how many people were killed because me. I’d just killed my Dad, what did I care about anyone else? I mean, I actually did it. We un-did it in time, but I went through with it. And however much I miss him, I am so glad he wasn’t alive to see that.”
Marian reached for his other hand and took it in both of hers. “We’ll do them proud. Both of us.”
Will drew back and added his other hand. “Both of us.” He promised. He smiled at her and Marian couldn’t help smiling back.
“Come on.” He stood and pulled her up after him. “Better get back to camp. Dangerous in the woods at night. Seriously,” he added when Marian huffed a laugh in response. “We’re not the only outlaws living out here. And than there’s that bloody boar that keeps trying to get into the food store - Much almost got gored by it once. You should have seen it. Blood everywhere…”
They walked back to the camp, arm in arm, unaware of Robin, watching them from the branches of a nearby tree.
Author:
shadowbyrd
Rating: PG
Characters: Will and Marian, hints at Will/Marian
Word Count: 1818
Summary: A conversation about grief and guilt.
Warnings: Spoilers for 2x04 and 2x07
A/N: For friend and muse
missmomoko, because the bit that I originally promised you is still not finished (and around 4200 words).
It was taking longer than Marian expected to adjust to life in the woods. It was harsher than she expected; colder, dirtier and it turned out finding food could actually be quite a problem. Who’d have thought? Still, the freedom she enjoyed now was worth it; better this than living in relative comfort as a political prisoner.
That said there were things that she still yearned for, privacy chief among them. She tried every now and again to get away from camp, away from the gang that she didn’t quite fit with - not yet anyway. Robin had followed her from a distance the first couple of times, and seemed hurt when she took him to one side and asked him to stop. A small row had begun, which the rest of the gang tried to ignore, awkwardly walking around her and Robin to go about their business until Little John sighed loudly and stepped in, managing to settle it rather neatly. All couples needed time apart every now and again, and that was all Marian wanted. It was true, he had added with a purposeful look in her direction, that it was dangerous to wander through the woods on one’s own, but it was a right that the rest of the gang had.
Robin had scowled, but had been for the most part unable to argue back. He made her promise to at very least allow him to send someone after her. Marian had pointed out that it rather negated her wish to be alone, but in the end was forced to agree.
Much sat with her the most and tended to chatter a lot, about how the gang under appreciated him and all he did for them - Marian privately agreed, especially as far as Robin was concerned, but didn’t like to encourage him - about all the niggling little worries he had, like where the food was going to come from, what they were going to do about a new shirt for Will because the one he was wearing was falling to pieces and he was still growing, and about the future, how he hoped to live when all this is over. If it weren’t for the fact that Marian wished to be alone with her own thoughts she wouldn’t mind listening to what Much has to say. It was oddly soothing to know that there was someone in the gang who worried about these little things.
Little John just stood there, towering over her. He said little except to ask how she was feeling, or if he felt she needed to hear some common sense. Or if he and the gang felt that Robin needed to hear some common sense and asked her to pass it along.
Marian enjoyed Djaq’s company the most. It was nice to talk to another woman, even though her and Djaq’s experiences differed somewhat; the stupidity of men was universal.
Though, truthfully Marian only really received the quiet she was looking for with Will. He was silent, all too often caught up in his own thoughts, and tended to sit a tree or two away from her. He was only sent after her occasionally, though those times he was she often found herself forgetting that he was there.
But tonight…tonight wasn’t like that.
Tonight she had a dream about her father, lying as she found him, very clearly dead, and yet alive enough to tilt his head and stare at her accusingly, just enough blood moving sluggishly through him to move his lips. No words came out, but she heard them all the same.
You did this. All your fault.
She had managed to hold off the tears until she was out of earshot of the others and then sat down under an old Yew tree to cry her heart out. Robin had told her of her father’s last words, would remind her of them when the bleak reality threatened to overwhelm her, but the fact is it was her fault, it was her spiteful words said in a moment of frustration that killed him, and no amount “it’s good to dream” could ever take that away.
Nearby she heard a twig snap. Marian tensed. “Who’s there?” It came out thick and sloppy, tears rolling off of it. Marian comforted herself with the fact that it would only make the surprise when she gutted whoever was trying to creep up on her all the greater.
Will materialised out of the shadows, hands up. “’S just me.” He peered at her and frowned “You alright?”
“I’m fine.” Marian snapped, far too quickly to be convincing.
Will paused. “Right.” He sank down slowly to sit under one of the trees. “Mind if I join you for a bit?”
Marian felt like saying “Yes” and telling him to leave in the most unlady-like way she knew. But she held her tongue, without quite knowing why and just shrugged, pretending to rub her face from tiredness so she could wipe the telling tear marks away. Even as she did so it hit her that it was a silly thing to do; she couldn’t see his face, after all.
There was another, more audible pause from Will. “You have a nightmare?”
“No.”
“Oh. Just fancied sitting out in the woods in the middle of the night then?”
Marian pursed her lips, re-considering telling him to leave.
“It’s fine if you are.” Will added. “I do it from time to time. Only way you can be sure of being on your own. Usually, anyway.”
Marian softens a little towards him. “Is that why you were up just now?”
She saw him duck his head and could hear him smiling “Actually, I went out for a piss. Then I came back, you were gone.” He shrugged and glanced up. “Just wondered if you were alright.”
“I’m fine.” said Marian, taking pains not to stress the “fine” too hard. “Really. It’s like you said, I just wanted to come out here and have a think, that’s all.”
“You thinking about your Dad?”
It surprised Marian more than it probably should; it was very unlike Will to be so forward, especially with her. “No.”
Will tipped his head back, staring up through the tree branches. Marian could still see the faint smile and hear the soft “Liar.”
“If you know then why ask?” asked Marian, shifting so she was turned away from him.
“How are you holding up?”
Marian glanced over her shoulder. Still looking for stars. She shrugged even though he couldn’t see her. “Not much to cope with really, is there? I mean - he’s dead. That’s that.”
Will let his head fall back forward and gave her a withering look. Marian couldn’t help laughing, though she sobered quickly. “I’m sorry.” she said “I forget.”
Will ignored her. “Djaq said you feel responsible.”
Marian turned away. “Because I am.”
“How?” Will urged.
Marian picked up one of the pebbles in front of her, considered throwing it at him. She could get him between the eyes. Maybe he’d go away finally.
“Marian.” The hand on her shoulder took her by surprise and made her drop the pebble. Will was now crouched next to her. “How was it your fault?”
Marian picked the pebble back up, turning it over in her hands. “I said - I said things to him, before.” Her throat was trying to close around the words and the tears coming back. “I said - “ she swallowed. “I told him I was ashamed of him. Ashamed that we hadn’t done more while Robin had been away.”
Will sounded confused. “There wasn’t much either of you could do - not once he’d stepped down - “
“I know that!” The cry came out louder than she meant, her voice suddenly high and glass brittle. “I was angry with him and then he - it was stupid! I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it, and it was the last thing I ever said to him.” She buried her face in her knees, hugging them tightly to her chest. In pieces again. So much for pride.
Will squeezed her shoulder and, seeing how little that did pulled her against him in an awkward hug.
“It’s not your fault.”
“Yes it is.”
“It’s not.” Will insisted. “He’d have done what he did anyway - the only reason he argued with you is because he didn’t want you to do anything. He believed what you doing, but he wanted you to be safe. That’s why. And whatever it was you said to him, it doesn’t matter. He knows you loved him. He was just trying to show that he loved you too.”
They’re nice words, make more sense than most of the comforts she’s had from Robin. She thought on them for a moment.
It’s good to dream.
I love you. And I’m proud of you and what you’re doing. Never doubt it.
She remembers packing to meet the woman dressed as an Abbess, her father’s reluctant acceptance. Why didn’t she see these things before? Why only now, when it was too late?
She leant her head against will’s shoulder and sighed. “Do you tell yourself these things as well?”
“Yes.”
“And do they comfort you?”
Will went quiet, ducking his head again. “He was proud.” he said slow and soft as though speaking to himself. Perhaps he was. “He believed what we were doing was right. He was just afraid of something happening. If I’d been older, more capable. Wiser - “ he sighed. “He was proud of me. And he knew I was angry with him because I loved him. Most days that’ll do.”
“They don’t, then?”
Will shrugged as much as he could without dislodging Marian. “I was worse than you. I couldn’t handle what I’d done. Concentrated on revenge. Didn’t matter how many people were killed because me. I’d just killed my Dad, what did I care about anyone else? I mean, I actually did it. We un-did it in time, but I went through with it. And however much I miss him, I am so glad he wasn’t alive to see that.”
Marian reached for his other hand and took it in both of hers. “We’ll do them proud. Both of us.”
Will drew back and added his other hand. “Both of us.” He promised. He smiled at her and Marian couldn’t help smiling back.
“Come on.” He stood and pulled her up after him. “Better get back to camp. Dangerous in the woods at night. Seriously,” he added when Marian huffed a laugh in response. “We’re not the only outlaws living out here. And than there’s that bloody boar that keeps trying to get into the food store - Much almost got gored by it once. You should have seen it. Blood everywhere…”
They walked back to the camp, arm in arm, unaware of Robin, watching them from the branches of a nearby tree.