Feel free to skip - I'm sort of wired...
So, every year, I subject myself to the horror that has become the MTV Movie Awards. These used to be enjoyable and fun...well...they were often disturbing, gross, and completely humilitating, but I used to enjoy them more. Now, I subject myself because there's someone I want to see. And as a fan of Mr. Robert Pattinson, I'm forced to watch more teenage drivel then I'd care to admit. At least no one interrupted him this year and he was cute and fumbly and had a list and shit. But yes, I fear for our youth. Because in the span of this two hours, I not only shook my head more than I ever have in a two hour period, but my jaw hung open more than a hooker on 10th street. I just...I do not know what to make of this world sometimes, and this is a prime example. It doesn't surprise me at all to see this Adam idiot make a complete fool of himself, or several other of the losers who think they're funny (I have no idea why America finds most of these people funny), but to see Kiefer Sutherland make a complete ass out of himself in front of the world, or to witness Forest MOTHER-FUCKING-OSCAR-WINNER Whitaker sing about his dick in a box was not funny or amusing - it was downright degrading. I don't give a shit what Chris Isaak does anymore - that man has been such a pig for the last 15 years he could populate his own swine flu epidemic, and LeAnn? You must need money, but Forest? What the HELL was that about?! I just...I got nothing. I get this is supposed to be a mockery of awards shows, but this goes way too far sometimes. The whole ass in Enimen's face thing was just...pointless. And I wouldn't piss off Mr. Mathers - he'll put a cap in that lilly-white ass of yours.
The funniest thing of the whole night was watching Kristen Stewart DROP and break her fucking award. THAT shit was hilarious - the rest of this just left me rather disgusted. There's a line that you only cross when you're making a point, and there was no point to be made here - this was just pointless.
Robert, as always, you continue to be adorable, awkward, adorable, fumbly, adorable and endearing - never change. You're a refreshing twist to this madness that is Hollywood. Kristen? Lay off the heroin or whatever the fuck you take backstage - I understand sex with Rob is energizing and he may be like your very own brand of heroin (I couldn't resist), but please, for the love of all that is holy - hold your shit together for five minutes. Or for fuck's sake GET SOME POCKETS or something. Rob laughing at you was equally hilarious. Taylor? Fuck off. You're not cool and you're SHORT. Although - the chest was nice - and the wolf morph was pretty damn cool.
New Moon Trailer: Taylor's chest was nice and the wolf morph was cool. LOL. Edward is still far too pale and the dialogue is...strange. I hope the out-of-context thing is the culprit there. And *sigh* can someone again, please explain to me why Jasper had to have long hair? And kinky? And...is the way he dresses supposed to be trendy? He looks like a cross between a bad Michael Jackson impersonator and a J-Crew ad. I can't wait to see if he has a) a part, and b) a brain in Eclipse. He looks like a fucking puppet. A badly dressed, Edward-Scissorhands-model-puppet. It's wrong. I keep waiting for him to bust out into "If I Only Had a Brain" and watching straw fly out of various clothing articles. It's not at all how I had envisioned this character. I'd be pissed if I was Jackson Rathbone. Props for having Robert in the same clothes throughout the movie - as the same exact clothing he dons at the b-day party is the same outfit he sheds (HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF GOD $#&*@(&R(#@#*@()&) in Italy. That was a goooooooooood night when those pictures came out. In case you missed it:
*Bites closed fist* *WHIMPERS* Ignore the black dots - or connect them with your tongue like I did - they're markers for adding his sparkly-ness in CGI. Let's hope it looks better than sweat this time. He looks so fucking...dead...and hot. LOL
Total assassination: You fucking KILL the piano! NOT COOL WEITZ. NOT COOL. And the breakup scene better be waaaaaaaaaay better than that. I mean, I realize we only had like 2 seconds of it, but...yeah. I am excited though. LOL
Eminem: You're still living?
Kings of Leon: You rock but I wish you would have picked a different song and please, SHAVE OFF THE BEARD. YOU do NOT look good in it.
Also: Zac Efron? Cut your fucking hair before you trip over it.
Jim Carey: Still funny. We wouldn't have swing flu if we were nicer to the pigs! LMAO.
Will Farrell, Adam Whatever and the other dude with the cat + JJ Abrams = my worst nightmare come true.
Speaking of the devil, JJ Abrams, I went to see Star Trek for the second time today. Now, this is an AWESOME movie. If Zachary Quinto can be hot as Spock, he can be hot as fucking ANYTHING. It's funny, entertaining, has awesome action sequences and a great cast, cool music......pretty much everything Alias has Season One, so I expect that by movie 3, it'll fucking SUCK and be ruined beyond repair, only for some asshole to try to mesh everything together and make it all ok by movie 6. I just about shit myself when I saw that evil red robot on the screen and then realized with horror that we started the movie in the past, only to move to the future, then back to the past then back to the future where the past and the future collided but did not end the world...and THEN, Greg Grunberg did a voiceover, Amanda Foreman was in 2 seconds of the movie and everyone ever associated technically with Alias was employed on this movie - I mean, in a way, I wish I totally worked for JJ because I'd apparently be set for life in terms of work. He's either really loyal or really guilty because he fucks up really great premises. Also? Eric Bana's ship looked like a giant bug, therefore, my friend and I dubbed it "The Bana Bug." It even had its own theme music. And Chris Pine - he's like a Christian Slater clone - I hope his career fares better. Seriously - watch it again with that in mind and tell me he doesn't SOUND EXACTLY like a young Christian - he's even got some of the same mannerisms. I died laughing. It was very distracting. And Winona Ryder? Looks AWFUL. I felt so bad for her.
In conclusion: WFT Billy Zane?!?!?! Are Catherine Hardwicke & Billy Zane like...good friends or something? Because he had nothing to do with Twilight whatsoever, yet his head kept popping up everywhere near Catherine. It was odd. And the cast apparently like games - Musical Chairs for instance as I saw no cast member in the same seat twice. And the non-kiss? TOTAL RIP-OFF. That's all I'm sayin.' You had an awesome chance to bump some more hype and carry on tradition, and you blew it Kstew. YOU BLEW IT. AND THEN the karma of the world BIT YOU IN THE ASS (and the crack helped too) by helping you to break your award! While Rob laughed his ass off at your expense!
In conclusion, part 2: MTV should never ever, ever, ever, ever be allowed to make another television series, and parents should fear for their children.
In conclusion, part the third: ROBERT. FUCKING. PATTINSON.
That is all.
