Whoa, it has been a long time.
Well things are so rocky with my relationship, yes the one that I mentioned before.. in October. We've had our ups and downs as everyone should, but now a different key is being played. The thing is, I trust her, it took me a long time, but I do. Now that she finally has me on every level I feel like she wants to leave me, in fact I know it has crossed her mind. I want to spend time with other people to get my mind off of us, but I'd rather just know the truth. I want to know if she is really wanting to leave me, or wants it to work out. Because if she doesn't want to work it out.. I will fucking pack my shit and say goodbye. If it is truly meant to be, she, or anyone else that is interested knows where to find me. Look west. I'll be there, but I can't say that I'll be waiting. Life is too complicated for me right now. It has never been simple but it honestly has reached a breaking point. I thought I needed anti-depressants, and I'm still certain that I do. However, I refuse to buy them and try to make myself better if the answer to the problem is her leaving me. I will be happy either way, I just feel miserable right now. I want to stay, I want to make it work because I love her, but I don't want it to be one-sided. She will never see the way that I am in the relationship. She is too stubborn. I'm the swinging door here.. pushed back and fourth, but about to fall off the hinges. I just wish she could be honest with me. 100% honest with me. I'm ready for the truth. I'm tried of worrying about it, and trying to find out other ways, like looking for answer or clues by her actions. I've never been like this before. This is what happens when the other person doesn't say a goddamn word.