All these absent elements build your comfortable defense stronger still like an emptiness...
I am so mad at my dad right now. I don't think I've ever been so upset ever before. He doesn't seem to value my relationship with Christina at all... he doesn't care if Christina dumps me as long as he can finish putting a stupid drawer together. And then he told me I'm too young for a relationship because it's not right to put somebody you care about over your material possessions! Ya know what, I don't care what he thinks then. I don't care about it anymore. I can't believe him! No wonder my parents fight so much. And he still thinks this is wrong? I don't wanna have a relationship like my parents. I want to keep loving Christina more than anything else. My parents don't understand. I feel like I can't go to them for anything anymore. I don't know how I ended up turning out the way I am, since I'm nothing like them. I don't wanna be like that! So is there something wrong with me? Am I just the confused one? Am I too immature, like they say? :'( I don't know any of it, I'm so lost, and I wish I had Christina with me right now! But what would that solve? That would make me feel better, sure. She'd be able to comfort me. But isn't my overly strong love for her that is the problem in the first place? What IS the problem? What am I doing wrong? What's so bad about loving her so much? ...and does Christina think there's any fault in putting her completely above myself?
How much do my parents really care about me, anyways? I told him how much Christina means to me, and he didn't care. He just got mad at me and yelled at me, asking me if I'm gonna start doing what Ted does (he meant getting suicidal). Not if I have Christina I'm not. But if she dumped me... I really don't know... she's what's keeping me going every day... without her, I can't see why I would want to live... I couldn't tell him that, because that would've just made things worse. So I kept silent...
And my dad yelled at me that I am GOING to get my heart broken. That this relationship won't last. That Christina will... dump me. And those words were the ones that hurt me the most. It felt like my dad just took a spike and drove it into my chest. He didn't even say it's likely. He said it WILL happen. The thought of her dumping me has always made me queasy. And this... I can barely go on, fearing that it will happen. I thought the worry of losing her was finally disappating. But my dad just brought it back, worse than ever. It's hard for me to hold back the tears, but I have to 'cause I'm babysitting my sister right now and I can't let her see me cry. I've planned my whole life to be lived with her. She's the only one for me. I've already given my whole life to her. Sure, I was helpless in loving her, but I let all of my heart go. This isn't a teenage fling. It's love. It's complete love. I've SWORN to marry no other girl. I've given her a promise ring. I would give her an engagement ring now if I could. I'd marry her now if I could. I COULDN'T LEAVE HER IF I TRIED. And my dad has to see that, at least... because he said that she'd dump me...
How shallow is that? Can't he give her the least bit of credit? She's been so great to me... and this is what he thinks of her? A liar? A fake? I don't wanna get her upset with him, but I am just so filled with a mixture of sadness and anger that I can't help but just pour out my feelings. I have no idea why he has any doubts about her. He seems to think it impossible for people who date under 18 to stay together. He seemed to really not like the fact that she had crushes on other guys while we we've been going out. I just figured that maybe, hopefully, by crushes she means that she's found other guys attractive. That's what my mom figured. But my dad thought it was like an actual crush, getting butterflies for the guys and everything. But that's beside the point. She stayed with me through those, right? What is it...?
And now, I am extremely afraid that she is going to dump me. I am afraid that I might have done something wrong in loving her so much. I felt she was worthy of that much trust. I still do. But my dad has given me immense fears. I am afraid that what he said will scare Christina from me. I want to hold her close more than anything right now. I want to know that she is there... that she'll always be there. Why does my dad have to be so hurtful, so insensitive? All my parents have done in my life is make me feel like I'm not good enough. Good for nothing. Christina has been the one person to say, "No, you're better than good enough. You're awesome." My parents have seemed to only care about me because I'm their son. Christina has been the one person to say, "I don't love you because I have to. I love you because I chose you." My parents have taught me that I won't get what I want in life. Christina has been the one person to say, "I'll give you everything you could ever want." I don't want to listen to my parents. I want to listen to her. I want to be with her. She's done more for me in the past year than my parents have in my entire life. More than anyone has in my entire life. And right now, the more I think about it, the more I fear losing her. They say you don't know what you have until you lose it. Well, I do know what I have... and she's ALL I have. Everything. Not exaggerating at all. I play my videogames so little now that dust appears on the systems/controllers. Basically I spend my time doing something related to Christina. If she was taken away from me... what would I do? That ruins my future... ruins my current life... and I'm the type who enjoys memories but could never dwell on them... I need the right now to matter, and if I don't have a future, the right now will never matter. What would be the point of getting a job? I wouldn't be having a wife or a family. I wouldn't have any happiness in anything I do.
I pray that my dad was just upset with things and didn't really mean that. But I'm not sure of anything anymore. Just... please, Christina... make some kind of vow, some kind of promise, some kind of oath... to convince me that you won't leave me... and if you do have any doubts about me... even a slight uncertainty on whether you will stay with me... I need to know... I can't go on without knowing how true your love is... and please know that my love for you IS eternal. Not might be. Is. I need you. :'( I need to...
How much do my parents really care about me, anyways? I told him how much Christina means to me, and he didn't care. He just got mad at me and yelled at me, asking me if I'm gonna start doing what Ted does (he meant getting suicidal). Not if I have Christina I'm not. But if she dumped me... I really don't know... she's what's keeping me going every day... without her, I can't see why I would want to live... I couldn't tell him that, because that would've just made things worse. So I kept silent...
And my dad yelled at me that I am GOING to get my heart broken. That this relationship won't last. That Christina will... dump me. And those words were the ones that hurt me the most. It felt like my dad just took a spike and drove it into my chest. He didn't even say it's likely. He said it WILL happen. The thought of her dumping me has always made me queasy. And this... I can barely go on, fearing that it will happen. I thought the worry of losing her was finally disappating. But my dad just brought it back, worse than ever. It's hard for me to hold back the tears, but I have to 'cause I'm babysitting my sister right now and I can't let her see me cry. I've planned my whole life to be lived with her. She's the only one for me. I've already given my whole life to her. Sure, I was helpless in loving her, but I let all of my heart go. This isn't a teenage fling. It's love. It's complete love. I've SWORN to marry no other girl. I've given her a promise ring. I would give her an engagement ring now if I could. I'd marry her now if I could. I COULDN'T LEAVE HER IF I TRIED. And my dad has to see that, at least... because he said that she'd dump me...
How shallow is that? Can't he give her the least bit of credit? She's been so great to me... and this is what he thinks of her? A liar? A fake? I don't wanna get her upset with him, but I am just so filled with a mixture of sadness and anger that I can't help but just pour out my feelings. I have no idea why he has any doubts about her. He seems to think it impossible for people who date under 18 to stay together. He seemed to really not like the fact that she had crushes on other guys while we we've been going out. I just figured that maybe, hopefully, by crushes she means that she's found other guys attractive. That's what my mom figured. But my dad thought it was like an actual crush, getting butterflies for the guys and everything. But that's beside the point. She stayed with me through those, right? What is it...?
And now, I am extremely afraid that she is going to dump me. I am afraid that I might have done something wrong in loving her so much. I felt she was worthy of that much trust. I still do. But my dad has given me immense fears. I am afraid that what he said will scare Christina from me. I want to hold her close more than anything right now. I want to know that she is there... that she'll always be there. Why does my dad have to be so hurtful, so insensitive? All my parents have done in my life is make me feel like I'm not good enough. Good for nothing. Christina has been the one person to say, "No, you're better than good enough. You're awesome." My parents have seemed to only care about me because I'm their son. Christina has been the one person to say, "I don't love you because I have to. I love you because I chose you." My parents have taught me that I won't get what I want in life. Christina has been the one person to say, "I'll give you everything you could ever want." I don't want to listen to my parents. I want to listen to her. I want to be with her. She's done more for me in the past year than my parents have in my entire life. More than anyone has in my entire life. And right now, the more I think about it, the more I fear losing her. They say you don't know what you have until you lose it. Well, I do know what I have... and she's ALL I have. Everything. Not exaggerating at all. I play my videogames so little now that dust appears on the systems/controllers. Basically I spend my time doing something related to Christina. If she was taken away from me... what would I do? That ruins my future... ruins my current life... and I'm the type who enjoys memories but could never dwell on them... I need the right now to matter, and if I don't have a future, the right now will never matter. What would be the point of getting a job? I wouldn't be having a wife or a family. I wouldn't have any happiness in anything I do.
I pray that my dad was just upset with things and didn't really mean that. But I'm not sure of anything anymore. Just... please, Christina... make some kind of vow, some kind of promise, some kind of oath... to convince me that you won't leave me... and if you do have any doubts about me... even a slight uncertainty on whether you will stay with me... I need to know... I can't go on without knowing how true your love is... and please know that my love for you IS eternal. Not might be. Is. I need you. :'( I need to...