Ranting
Another ranting session, so apologies before I start.
My mom had the surgery… I don’ know if I wrote about that or not, but she did. She was home for a week then her boss made her take the next week off. She went back to work this week but on Tuesday she tore so stitches and had to come home and stay home Wednesday. She went to work today but I think she’s in pain… though she won’t tell me.
For almost three weeks my mom’s not-boyfriend, an asshole, was in jail. (Yes we’re those white trash people) … anyway he came back today. He hasn’t started anything but I don’ want him here. It was so peaceful here without him, just me and my mom. He’s always either yelling at me, mom, or our cat (Kaylee).
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Anyway that’s not really why I even had the urge to write today… mostly it’s ‘cause my biological father called me not an hour ago and told me… he fuckin’ told me that my grandma has been in the hospital for the last two weeks!!
So I fuckin’ turned around and asked why he didn’t tell me! You wanna hear his excuse? …. He said it’s ‘cause I have been giving him the ‘cold shoulder’ and that he ‘didn’t think I wanted to hang out’…. My grandmother was in the hospital and you … he didn’t tell me ‘cause I didn’t wanna fuckin’ hang out with him!?!?!?!?!
SO I told him that’s besides the point! She’s my grandma! I have the fuckin’ right to know she had a stroke and was in the hospital!! When I said that he just blew me off and changed the subject; making it all about him the self-conceited selfish prick!
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............................I’m so fuckin’ pissed I’m starting to shake and I’m trying not to cut ‘cause I got the doctor coming up. No, I didn’t go to my last appointment ‘cause we couldn’t get a ride so now I gotta go on the 5th. ………I’m trying to be very careful about people finding out that I’m cutting again.
My mother has enough to worry about, she doesn’t need to deal with my problems. I just… I need to survive and this helps. There are so many people out there sayin’ they want to quit, to stop, and I’m happy for them but I don’t … I like cutting, as fucked up as that is, I like knowing I have control over something.
And really good for those who stop, I’m proud that they either found another way of coping or don’ need it anymore, but there are some that come back to me and say that I should quit… that its bad. Fuck you… listen I know cutting is messed up but I don’ think there is anything wrong with it.
“Self-injury is a sign of distress, not madness. We should be congratulated on having found a way of surviving.” - Cory Anderson
Now I’m not saying everyone should just start doing it and I know there are people who get addicted, which is not ok, but frankly its no one’s business what I or anyone else does to their body. It’s my, our, choice… not anyone else’s.
Going in and just taking cutting (or whatever) away, taking away our choice, just makes it worse. It’s like those people who use guilt to try and make someone stop.. ‘if you cut, I’m gonna cut’ that’s bullshit and just makes the self-harmer feel even more pressured and feel more self-hatred towards themselves.
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Ok… I’m done… I think. With that anyway.
I have good news though, for those who read my story.. I’m am now getting a lot closer to the ending, 40something. I also started reading Wolf’s Rain fanfiction.. which I have fallen utterly in love with. I love Tsume/Toboe!!
I’m now signing off… I need some space… I’m going to do that counting thing. If I wanna cut in 20 minutes, just as bad as I want to now, then I’ll cut but otherwise.. *shrugs*.
Ttyl
~shadow