Woo-hoo Cristel-worshippers j/k....
Yeah so this is random. BC i am in a good mood. Completely not in focus on anything in particular bc i dunno. So prepare for randomness.
Now I am just wondering if maybe its the halloween thing or not. But something was said. And a thought popped into my head about what was going to happen. And it was very alarming in a way. But i couldnt say it without being Negative. But the next day it happened, just like that. I mean, Who do you care for now? Think about it. No ones left, do you care for yourself, go looking for the next person or just stop caring?
So. My life. I am single now. Yay, I think. But i miss scott. Or maybe i miss having someone. I get too sleep alone at night which has its ups and downs. Now the monsters can get me but now i get all the pillows and space. I am dependent on only myself. I get to make all my own decisions without checking with anyone. But i do have a small problem. I cant ever find complete happiness. Something is always missing. Dont get me wrong. I am so happy now. Not that i wasnt before. Happier i should say. I find that i cant say what i want to be happy without offending someone. And it just pisses me off. And fuck...Good mood though.
So i went to ikea the other day during their bday. They had a llama. And i got my picture taken with it. And a live band. It made me really happy. You just dont know. It was very freely, complete happiness free of any concern. Like when i am a passenger in a car, with music blaring, driving 90 mph (only with you matt) or on out in a field during the night (like the old days with gigi) or writing my book (like i have the past some many years) . Thats where i have found total happiness with no concern. Dont get me wrong there are other places. But those are just kinda special to me. The rare ones. I love being held by someone who cares for me. Be it friend, family or loved one. I like holdin hands, starring at stars with someone, cuddling and stuff....
Le sigh. So its my choice whether i get my gallbladder removed or not. In case you didnt know i get sick after i eat, everytime. Yadda yadda, black bile. So my choice to either cut any food with fat (everything), deal with the never ending pain that could get worse or have a organ removed thats function has never really been proven. My wisdom teeth are needed to be removed also but i need a xray before its done, and insurance wont cover it so mom says i have to pay it out of my own money...105$ or i could wait until next june when its covered....
So my chinchilla had another baby. YAY. White little girl. Im either gonna sell her or our other girl who is also white. I have seven chincs right now. Coco, my chocolate girl. My baby. Roo, my neurotic rescue gray female. Cisco, the black daddy. Troy, ironically the gay gray one. Twix is cosco and Coco's black baby boy. And his sister who we never named and call girly chin is white. And then the baby girl who is called milk. And lives with her mom, Coco. Get it? Coco...milk. Chocolate milk? Yeah it wasn that funny but it is to charlie.
So I am entirely excited about college! And i have a new idea to get money. Well old idea. If you didnt know i love kids. Always wanted to become a school teacher for elementary school. yadda yadda. Yeah. So thats my major, elementary ed. And I think i may get a job subbing at overlea or somewhere making good money each day. SUpposedly 70$ a day. woot. And then i can go to gamestop and then to disney, yayness. That sounds like a good idea at the moment. Cut my social life to make money. The subbing will help me get a job teaching in the future. And i think im gonna try to get my bachelors degree in record time.
i just feel like i am accomplishing nothing. I mean, i am used to getting awards and being praised and moving up in the world. I am 19 and still living at home depending on my parents...I really hate myself over it. I really am doing nothing. i kinda feel like a failure. But i know im not. i just need to get things moving again. move out and on. and I kinda feel like i just want to be alone for a while. it would make me happy. but no one seems to understand. I always cater to everyones needs, im too cancerish. I need to crawl back into my shell for the winter. So i hope no ones minds that im disappearing for a while. Ill bloom before spring maybe. lol.
And lately, my mind has not stopped, its like im on fast forwards or something. I cant keep focused, i keep blanking out (not that thats new), im lathargic, dont ever want to sleep, lack of appetite, random moods, constant thoughts, no thoughts, depression, spurs of energy. yadda yadda. oh well nothing new right? lol.
**end of rant**
oh and i met scotts brother mikey the other day. i gave him a hug. I think it made him happy. (if you dont know then dont ask) That made me happy. ^_^
Now I am just wondering if maybe its the halloween thing or not. But something was said. And a thought popped into my head about what was going to happen. And it was very alarming in a way. But i couldnt say it without being Negative. But the next day it happened, just like that. I mean, Who do you care for now? Think about it. No ones left, do you care for yourself, go looking for the next person or just stop caring?
So. My life. I am single now. Yay, I think. But i miss scott. Or maybe i miss having someone. I get too sleep alone at night which has its ups and downs. Now the monsters can get me but now i get all the pillows and space. I am dependent on only myself. I get to make all my own decisions without checking with anyone. But i do have a small problem. I cant ever find complete happiness. Something is always missing. Dont get me wrong. I am so happy now. Not that i wasnt before. Happier i should say. I find that i cant say what i want to be happy without offending someone. And it just pisses me off. And fuck...Good mood though.
So i went to ikea the other day during their bday. They had a llama. And i got my picture taken with it. And a live band. It made me really happy. You just dont know. It was very freely, complete happiness free of any concern. Like when i am a passenger in a car, with music blaring, driving 90 mph (only with you matt) or on out in a field during the night (like the old days with gigi) or writing my book (like i have the past some many years) . Thats where i have found total happiness with no concern. Dont get me wrong there are other places. But those are just kinda special to me. The rare ones. I love being held by someone who cares for me. Be it friend, family or loved one. I like holdin hands, starring at stars with someone, cuddling and stuff....
Le sigh. So its my choice whether i get my gallbladder removed or not. In case you didnt know i get sick after i eat, everytime. Yadda yadda, black bile. So my choice to either cut any food with fat (everything), deal with the never ending pain that could get worse or have a organ removed thats function has never really been proven. My wisdom teeth are needed to be removed also but i need a xray before its done, and insurance wont cover it so mom says i have to pay it out of my own money...105$ or i could wait until next june when its covered....
So my chinchilla had another baby. YAY. White little girl. Im either gonna sell her or our other girl who is also white. I have seven chincs right now. Coco, my chocolate girl. My baby. Roo, my neurotic rescue gray female. Cisco, the black daddy. Troy, ironically the gay gray one. Twix is cosco and Coco's black baby boy. And his sister who we never named and call girly chin is white. And then the baby girl who is called milk. And lives with her mom, Coco. Get it? Coco...milk. Chocolate milk? Yeah it wasn that funny but it is to charlie.
So I am entirely excited about college! And i have a new idea to get money. Well old idea. If you didnt know i love kids. Always wanted to become a school teacher for elementary school. yadda yadda. Yeah. So thats my major, elementary ed. And I think i may get a job subbing at overlea or somewhere making good money each day. SUpposedly 70$ a day. woot. And then i can go to gamestop and then to disney, yayness. That sounds like a good idea at the moment. Cut my social life to make money. The subbing will help me get a job teaching in the future. And i think im gonna try to get my bachelors degree in record time.
i just feel like i am accomplishing nothing. I mean, i am used to getting awards and being praised and moving up in the world. I am 19 and still living at home depending on my parents...I really hate myself over it. I really am doing nothing. i kinda feel like a failure. But i know im not. i just need to get things moving again. move out and on. and I kinda feel like i just want to be alone for a while. it would make me happy. but no one seems to understand. I always cater to everyones needs, im too cancerish. I need to crawl back into my shell for the winter. So i hope no ones minds that im disappearing for a while. Ill bloom before spring maybe. lol.
And lately, my mind has not stopped, its like im on fast forwards or something. I cant keep focused, i keep blanking out (not that thats new), im lathargic, dont ever want to sleep, lack of appetite, random moods, constant thoughts, no thoughts, depression, spurs of energy. yadda yadda. oh well nothing new right? lol.
**end of rant**
oh and i met scotts brother mikey the other day. i gave him a hug. I think it made him happy. (if you dont know then dont ask) That made me happy. ^_^