(no subject)
It's been a long, strange year for me. I don't even keep track of who I have on here, but I do know that I rarely post. Here's the big events of the past year for me:
January: A couple days in, I began my emotional downward spiral after triggering a backlash. I became too hasty in my thinking and expressing myself, and I simultaneously insulted and angered the most important person to me, which lead to them responding to me in a way that finally made me stop. Just completely stop. For the first time in the (then) 20 years of my existence, I lost my desire to even consider a relationship. Oh, and later in January I had a complicated and bitter falling out with two of my newer friends.
You know, there doesn't seem to be much else to note between then and now. I've worked quite a bit, moved around a couple times. But that's been it. Mostly because I Just haven't even "thought" or "felt" in the normal sense of the word since then.
However, a few weeks ago, I lost a new friend of mine. A coworker at the post office, who I worked next to half the day almost every day. Had a lot of conversations about anything and everything with him. Without any warning signs at all, he took his own life one afternoon. Besides his wife (also a mail carrier), I think I took it harder than anybody. It's not so bad in general now. Except that sometimes I stop and re-realize it, and it leaves me lost in my own head again, unable to really concentrate on anything else.
This past year has been a waste for me, emotionally. I am constantly discovering just how damaged I really was when I fell from grace. In a more practical sense, it's been an easy year, having lost the capacity to have any strong emotions or go too deep into my own head. But within the past few days, I've had a growing sense of disappointment in myself. Frustration that I have ignored part of who I am, part of what I liked about myself.
Once I fix myself, very little will have changed. I have learned a few lessons, but I will be back to the me that has always been known. The me that felt the things there were before. The me that feels at all.
I'm sorry if I anger or offend you. My emotions are not for me to choose. They are a piece of the puzzle that I must work with, or the big picture can not be completed.
January: A couple days in, I began my emotional downward spiral after triggering a backlash. I became too hasty in my thinking and expressing myself, and I simultaneously insulted and angered the most important person to me, which lead to them responding to me in a way that finally made me stop. Just completely stop. For the first time in the (then) 20 years of my existence, I lost my desire to even consider a relationship. Oh, and later in January I had a complicated and bitter falling out with two of my newer friends.
You know, there doesn't seem to be much else to note between then and now. I've worked quite a bit, moved around a couple times. But that's been it. Mostly because I Just haven't even "thought" or "felt" in the normal sense of the word since then.
However, a few weeks ago, I lost a new friend of mine. A coworker at the post office, who I worked next to half the day almost every day. Had a lot of conversations about anything and everything with him. Without any warning signs at all, he took his own life one afternoon. Besides his wife (also a mail carrier), I think I took it harder than anybody. It's not so bad in general now. Except that sometimes I stop and re-realize it, and it leaves me lost in my own head again, unable to really concentrate on anything else.
This past year has been a waste for me, emotionally. I am constantly discovering just how damaged I really was when I fell from grace. In a more practical sense, it's been an easy year, having lost the capacity to have any strong emotions or go too deep into my own head. But within the past few days, I've had a growing sense of disappointment in myself. Frustration that I have ignored part of who I am, part of what I liked about myself.
Once I fix myself, very little will have changed. I have learned a few lessons, but I will be back to the me that has always been known. The me that felt the things there were before. The me that feels at all.
I'm sorry if I anger or offend you. My emotions are not for me to choose. They are a piece of the puzzle that I must work with, or the big picture can not be completed.