(no subject)
I have found my path again. As depressing and dark as it may seem, it is still mine. The fact that it is mine can make even such a sad thing have some feeling of redemption in itself.
For the past year and a half, I've been suffering from the mistake of living with other people. My dad and sister for awhile, and my friend Jake for a year. As amazing as a person as he is, and as much as I have to admit he's done for my own character, there were just too many times when he tried too hard to mentally and emotionally shove me around.
But I'm alone again. Or rather, more alone. I have returned to the apartment complex which was once my first home. I'm on the same side, with the same pleasant view out my bedroom room of the field where the radio tower resides. I can see sunsets and oncoming storms from this place I have retreated back to, which is a small thing that means a lot to me. I am the only person using my bathroom, my kitchen, my living room and my bedroom. Everything in here is mine. Including the time. And the fitness room across the complex, that I missed so very much. I spent so much time, a couple winters ago, locked away in there, spending hours a day wearing myself down to nothing, while losing myself in my head as I stared very intensely at this distant light outside the window.
Back then... back then, it was all so depressing in some ways. But in the time since, I do not feel I have grown. I have only wandered off my path, away from what I wanted and needed. The things that started here did not get better when I moved out. They only went to places I did not want them to. Some things I realized while living here before, about people, about certain persons, I would go on to destroy in the time I was gone. I would destroy what few precious relationships I had, destroying myself in the process.
My life has been a joke. Before, I had nothing. Since then, I built up these worthless things, a life full of mistakes and wasted time. It has all come crashing down, and there is nothing. Nothing like I used to have. It's a fresh start, minus 2 years.
Ever since the age of 13, I have felt something inside of me. Something stronger, more intelligent, more passionate than what I had known so far. Something that, in many ways, was its own entity. It became what I wanted to be on the outside. Part of it has worked its ways to the surface, but the transformation is not complete yet.
The path that I have finally returned to, to try so hard to make it down, is the one where Ross does not exist anymore. He was never meant to make it this far, and the fact that so much of him has died over the past 6 years is evidence of that. I'm trying to get out of that dead shell of a human, trying to take control the way I've wanted to for so long.
For the past year and a half, I've been suffering from the mistake of living with other people. My dad and sister for awhile, and my friend Jake for a year. As amazing as a person as he is, and as much as I have to admit he's done for my own character, there were just too many times when he tried too hard to mentally and emotionally shove me around.
But I'm alone again. Or rather, more alone. I have returned to the apartment complex which was once my first home. I'm on the same side, with the same pleasant view out my bedroom room of the field where the radio tower resides. I can see sunsets and oncoming storms from this place I have retreated back to, which is a small thing that means a lot to me. I am the only person using my bathroom, my kitchen, my living room and my bedroom. Everything in here is mine. Including the time. And the fitness room across the complex, that I missed so very much. I spent so much time, a couple winters ago, locked away in there, spending hours a day wearing myself down to nothing, while losing myself in my head as I stared very intensely at this distant light outside the window.
Back then... back then, it was all so depressing in some ways. But in the time since, I do not feel I have grown. I have only wandered off my path, away from what I wanted and needed. The things that started here did not get better when I moved out. They only went to places I did not want them to. Some things I realized while living here before, about people, about certain persons, I would go on to destroy in the time I was gone. I would destroy what few precious relationships I had, destroying myself in the process.
My life has been a joke. Before, I had nothing. Since then, I built up these worthless things, a life full of mistakes and wasted time. It has all come crashing down, and there is nothing. Nothing like I used to have. It's a fresh start, minus 2 years.
Ever since the age of 13, I have felt something inside of me. Something stronger, more intelligent, more passionate than what I had known so far. Something that, in many ways, was its own entity. It became what I wanted to be on the outside. Part of it has worked its ways to the surface, but the transformation is not complete yet.
The path that I have finally returned to, to try so hard to make it down, is the one where Ross does not exist anymore. He was never meant to make it this far, and the fact that so much of him has died over the past 6 years is evidence of that. I'm trying to get out of that dead shell of a human, trying to take control the way I've wanted to for so long.