i can't do it.
this is probably the 20th night in a row that i have cried myself to sleep. i just layed in my bed for an hour. i don't understand why she is not here. i think about every single day we spent together. i look at my wall and think about how she would get so happy that there were pictures of me and her up there from seventh grade. i think about fighting over who would sit in the front seat and about how i never wanted to cuddle with her. she always wanted to cuddle with me. i remember lary's and how she drank the last of the tequila and how she fought those boys with me even though i started it. i think about sitting in her room and watching her get ready. she would blow dry her hair and then flip it over and tell everyone to look at it because it was so frizzy. i miss waiting for her at her locker everyday. that is the worst. meeting nikki at the locker and kaitlin not being there. we always met. we always walked together. it can't be like this. i don't understand. i can't cry anymore. i miss her so much. i miss watching her slip all over the place when she walked through the snow. i miss her telling us her lips were cherries. i miss telling her how stupid her plastic rings were and how she didn't give a fuck what i thought. i miss our morning meetings after we each had our night and telling each other every little detail about what happened. i miss her laugh. jesus i miss her laugh more than anything. i can hear it. every single fucking day i hear it. clear as anything, it was my favorite thing in the world. i miss her laughing with her mouth wide open and food in it. i miss applebees. her oriental chicken wrap with caesar dressing. she ate it with her fingers and talked to her food. chased it around. i miss her laugh. i miss her calling me "stephy" and telling me i was her bro. i miss her telling me she loved me and that i was beautiful. i keep thinking how the very first day of school i was with her and nikki in lunch and we hadn't really hung out yet this year and she just looked at me and said she loved me. out of nowhere. i dont know why this beautiful person was taken from us. i just dont know. it is still so unreal. i want her in my life. i need to be with her and go places with her. i really dontknow what im going to do. i want to become a hermit. nothing is the same. this is unbearable.