TM 201 -- Talk about something you lost
I lost myself once.
I don't mean to say that I went insane, although that is one possible interpretation of many of the things that have happened to me over the years. But that's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the time I surrendered everything -- my life, my memories, my relationships with friends and family and lover, and some version of my body -- to a cosmic entity called the Phoenix. I can't even say, anymore, how voluntary that surrender might have been. I didn't want to die, I know that. I didn't want my friends to die. I suppose that's why I did it, although how much of the exchange was my giving, and how much was the Phoenix's taking, I doubt I'll ever be able to say.
When I woke up again, as myself, I didn't remember anything about the deal. I didn't remember the Phoenix, I didn't remember dying. I just remembered being on a mission with the X-men. I learned later that I had spent a number of months in a cocoon, under the water, and that time had passed for everyone outside. More than that, I learned that this other me, this Phoenix-me, had gone on to live my life. It had worked with my team, it had made love to my boyfriend. And then. . .it had been manipulated by a terrible man named Mastermind. It had gone insane. It had destroyed an alien world and then -- when that world's guardians demanded justice -- it had destroyed itself. My friends and my lover had mourned that creature, mourned it as though it were really me.
It was a terrible, terrible story. I took comfort in knowing that creature may have taken my form, but it wasn't me. The real me -- the real Jean Grey -- had been lost. I did my best, then, to move on with my life. I rejoined my teammates, and reconnected with my lover -- although I soon learned that he had found another wife, while he thought that I was dead. He loved her -- or at least, he said that he did -- because she reminded him of me. In fact, as we later discovered, she was a clone, made from me -- a few strands of hair lifted while my back was turned, passed on to a mad geneticist. Another part of myself, I thought, diluted and passed on to another person.
Funny about lost things -- in my life, at least, they never want to stay lost. Eventually, I got back what I had lost. Madelyne, the clone, died -- although I did my best to save her. In the moment of her death, I found myself a vessel for all of her memories, as well as the memories formed by the Phoenix. My lover came back to me, as well. He asked me to marry him. He saw it, I think, as a way to restore what had been lost, to bring all the parts of me together.
I turned the proposal down. I was too overwhelmed by all the memories. I knew that Scott was sincere about wanting to get married, but it seemed too simple of a solution. I guess I had been lost for so long, and so badly, that I didn't think coming back from it should be that easy.
It took me a while to find all the pieces of me. I can't say exactly when it happened. First, I got rid of the memories that belonged to Madelyne; I didn't have any right to them. As time went on, I had to make peace with the Phoenix memories. I came to understand that they were part of me, and that to understand and repair my relationships with my friends and family -- and with Scott -- that I had to accept all of it. I came back to the X-men. I asked Scott to marry me, and he said yes. I even called myself Phoenix sometimes.
It worked for a while.
I'm not sure anymore.
That's why I'm coming home now. I'm touching base with the parts of my old life, so that my new relationship with the Phoenix will be able to make sense again.
At least, that's the plan.
I don't mean to say that I went insane, although that is one possible interpretation of many of the things that have happened to me over the years. But that's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the time I surrendered everything -- my life, my memories, my relationships with friends and family and lover, and some version of my body -- to a cosmic entity called the Phoenix. I can't even say, anymore, how voluntary that surrender might have been. I didn't want to die, I know that. I didn't want my friends to die. I suppose that's why I did it, although how much of the exchange was my giving, and how much was the Phoenix's taking, I doubt I'll ever be able to say.
When I woke up again, as myself, I didn't remember anything about the deal. I didn't remember the Phoenix, I didn't remember dying. I just remembered being on a mission with the X-men. I learned later that I had spent a number of months in a cocoon, under the water, and that time had passed for everyone outside. More than that, I learned that this other me, this Phoenix-me, had gone on to live my life. It had worked with my team, it had made love to my boyfriend. And then. . .it had been manipulated by a terrible man named Mastermind. It had gone insane. It had destroyed an alien world and then -- when that world's guardians demanded justice -- it had destroyed itself. My friends and my lover had mourned that creature, mourned it as though it were really me.
It was a terrible, terrible story. I took comfort in knowing that creature may have taken my form, but it wasn't me. The real me -- the real Jean Grey -- had been lost. I did my best, then, to move on with my life. I rejoined my teammates, and reconnected with my lover -- although I soon learned that he had found another wife, while he thought that I was dead. He loved her -- or at least, he said that he did -- because she reminded him of me. In fact, as we later discovered, she was a clone, made from me -- a few strands of hair lifted while my back was turned, passed on to a mad geneticist. Another part of myself, I thought, diluted and passed on to another person.
Funny about lost things -- in my life, at least, they never want to stay lost. Eventually, I got back what I had lost. Madelyne, the clone, died -- although I did my best to save her. In the moment of her death, I found myself a vessel for all of her memories, as well as the memories formed by the Phoenix. My lover came back to me, as well. He asked me to marry him. He saw it, I think, as a way to restore what had been lost, to bring all the parts of me together.
I turned the proposal down. I was too overwhelmed by all the memories. I knew that Scott was sincere about wanting to get married, but it seemed too simple of a solution. I guess I had been lost for so long, and so badly, that I didn't think coming back from it should be that easy.
It took me a while to find all the pieces of me. I can't say exactly when it happened. First, I got rid of the memories that belonged to Madelyne; I didn't have any right to them. As time went on, I had to make peace with the Phoenix memories. I came to understand that they were part of me, and that to understand and repair my relationships with my friends and family -- and with Scott -- that I had to accept all of it. I came back to the X-men. I asked Scott to marry me, and he said yes. I even called myself Phoenix sometimes.
It worked for a while.
I'm not sure anymore.
That's why I'm coming home now. I'm touching base with the parts of my old life, so that my new relationship with the Phoenix will be able to make sense again.
At least, that's the plan.