Insomia cometh
The last time I was wandering around the hallway at 3:00 in the morning I bitched and cried that I want a mommy, not a soul sucking narcissistic parasite. When it isn't insomia it's old familiar nightmares; the neglected aquarium that belonged to my dad but I took on as my responsibility, my mom trying to covet my friend because she has none of her own. All in the last week. Last night the insomia was bad and I want to scream and scream and scream. For the past 2 years I still haven't carved out a new routine or relationship with CeCee now that I've given up on my idea of normal for her. But I haven't figure out what is my new normal for CeCee, she's not going to tell me obviously. She can't even give a straight "yes" or "no" answer, she only answer what she thinks you want her to answer. Nobody in this god damn family gives a straight answer, not even the autistic. Bree and I are trying to be honest with eachother. I will lie for no reason, it feels pathological. Bree asked me what I did this past weekend and I said I went to the movies with friends when I actually went to dinner with friends.
There is no reason for me to lie but I do. I steer conversation away from my favorites to other subjects that doesn't interest me because I feel that by revealing what is my favorite then I'm revealing opportunities for others to make fun of me. When Philip Hoffman died, Bree mentioned to me that an actor tweeted calling Hoffman's OD a stupid and senseless death, which she agreed. I told her the actor is from the show Supernatural and immediately I talked about another actor, LeVar of Star Trek, who tweeted that if he died like Hoffman did, please put on his pants. Kinda of insensitive but I admit I laughed, and so did Bree. The thing is that I didn't want Bree to know I'm a fan of the Supernatural actor, but why? Bree thought his tweet was right but I steered the conversation to another actor that I don't particularly care about. Bree never made fun of me, our mom did though and sometimes I wonder if subconsciously I view Bree as Mom's extension because Mom latched onto her so hard for the first 18 years.
March is coming and with it the annual thief. Maybe it's time to see my therapist again.
There is no reason for me to lie but I do. I steer conversation away from my favorites to other subjects that doesn't interest me because I feel that by revealing what is my favorite then I'm revealing opportunities for others to make fun of me. When Philip Hoffman died, Bree mentioned to me that an actor tweeted calling Hoffman's OD a stupid and senseless death, which she agreed. I told her the actor is from the show Supernatural and immediately I talked about another actor, LeVar of Star Trek, who tweeted that if he died like Hoffman did, please put on his pants. Kinda of insensitive but I admit I laughed, and so did Bree. The thing is that I didn't want Bree to know I'm a fan of the Supernatural actor, but why? Bree thought his tweet was right but I steered the conversation to another actor that I don't particularly care about. Bree never made fun of me, our mom did though and sometimes I wonder if subconsciously I view Bree as Mom's extension because Mom latched onto her so hard for the first 18 years.
March is coming and with it the annual thief. Maybe it's time to see my therapist again.