Sociopaths and divorce and confusion and...
I was right about there being someone else. He wasn't in St. Louis learning how to make fuel, he was attending a concert with his girlfriend and her two kids. It has been ugly, painful and for some stupid reason a huge shock. I have the best sisters in the whole wide world and could not have gotten through this without them. They swooped in with links to pictures of them (I can't believe someone took all that time and effort to do that for me, that touches my heart so much it brings tears to my eyes) to burn any love for him out of me forever, and it worked. While I snapped at them and messaged her friend, and looked at pictures, and I think messaged her and yelled at him, they moved all of his stuff out on the porch, they would ask me your's or his and I would snap an answer and off they would go, I wish I had a video of it all, it is so fuzzy and they were so beautiful! I have absolutely no memory of what he said to me, except for he had been seeing her for 2 months and living with her for 2 weeks. I say much longer on both. He had still been telling me he loved me. That he wanted to work on our marriage. Why????? Just in case he needed a fall back? After he realized he had burnt his bridges with me he turned nasty and ugly and wouldn't even talk to me about it at all. Brought her to TN to meet his mom while he got his stuff, of course he never could stand to go anywhere alone.
He kept telling me he loved me while all along he was seeing/living with her. I have come to the realization that all the people who tried to tell me about him were right, starting with Angel when I first met him and Robin, who I had known for 30 years but couldn't take the way he treated me an went her own way, to my sister and even Glenda. I choose to believe him. Now i have to figure out why. When I was young I had no self esteem and tried to find it "in all the wrong places." But I thought I was over that! Is this my life's lesson this go round? That if you trust someone, or rather if you are a trusting person, then you are a mark for those who prey on them? I don't want to be hard, I don't want to learn to use rather than be used. I have wonderful intuition, but when it comes to men I just don't listen. It's not that it doesn't work, I just don't listen. Is that my lesson?
I keep having to remind myself that there was nothing I could have done any different, he is a casebook example of a sociopath, the only one of the descriptions commonly used for one that he didn't fit was physical violence. Everything else described him to a T. How could I just overlook that?
I am painting my bedroom, hopefully going to be able to come up with the money to put down carpet and get it changed to look like he was never there. But he was. For 13 long years.
My 19 year old cried, actually cried, and asked him "how do you just throw your family away." He answered, "I'm not throwing you away, just your mother." I think that is the only honest thing he has ever said. He did throw me away, he traded up to a woman who has a house, with garage, in MI where he was offered a permanent job. Or perhaps he had been working a permanent job and just never told me. Everything he said was a lie, whether it mattered to lie or not. Am I sad to be alone, to have been used, to have been such a sucker? He made up the person I loved, so I can't miss him, that would be like missing a character in a book, they were never real.
At this point I don't ever want to have anything to do with another man. Yes, I still hurt, I am mad, I am mad at him I am mad at myself for being such a sap.
I have warned his new woman, don't know why I felt I should, but she has two kids and she is as blind as I was. She isn't going to listen any more than I did. I hope he doesn't use her until he breaks her heart, or does what he does so well, sweeps you off your feet and then isolates you and manipulates you and never takes responsibility for anything, never finishes anything he starts and cannot give, only takes. I was a perfect mark for him, and, considering her favorite song on her Myspace, she is too. Tomorrow I go to sign the divorce papers and then they send them to his mom, she is to overnight them to him, he is to sign them and get them right back. They get filed and 60 days later, we are divorced and I won't be a Freels anymore. I can have my maiden name back. Maybe by then it will be time to celebrate, right now I am full of conflicting emotions, and have to keep reminding myself what a sociopath is and that there was nothing I could or couldn't have done to change anything. It will all be OK eventually, everything will be wonderful in my life. I just can't wait for it to be over! I want my bedroom finished!! I want some normalcy! I want my life back!
He kept telling me he loved me while all along he was seeing/living with her. I have come to the realization that all the people who tried to tell me about him were right, starting with Angel when I first met him and Robin, who I had known for 30 years but couldn't take the way he treated me an went her own way, to my sister and even Glenda. I choose to believe him. Now i have to figure out why. When I was young I had no self esteem and tried to find it "in all the wrong places." But I thought I was over that! Is this my life's lesson this go round? That if you trust someone, or rather if you are a trusting person, then you are a mark for those who prey on them? I don't want to be hard, I don't want to learn to use rather than be used. I have wonderful intuition, but when it comes to men I just don't listen. It's not that it doesn't work, I just don't listen. Is that my lesson?
I keep having to remind myself that there was nothing I could have done any different, he is a casebook example of a sociopath, the only one of the descriptions commonly used for one that he didn't fit was physical violence. Everything else described him to a T. How could I just overlook that?
I am painting my bedroom, hopefully going to be able to come up with the money to put down carpet and get it changed to look like he was never there. But he was. For 13 long years.
My 19 year old cried, actually cried, and asked him "how do you just throw your family away." He answered, "I'm not throwing you away, just your mother." I think that is the only honest thing he has ever said. He did throw me away, he traded up to a woman who has a house, with garage, in MI where he was offered a permanent job. Or perhaps he had been working a permanent job and just never told me. Everything he said was a lie, whether it mattered to lie or not. Am I sad to be alone, to have been used, to have been such a sucker? He made up the person I loved, so I can't miss him, that would be like missing a character in a book, they were never real.
At this point I don't ever want to have anything to do with another man. Yes, I still hurt, I am mad, I am mad at him I am mad at myself for being such a sap.
I have warned his new woman, don't know why I felt I should, but she has two kids and she is as blind as I was. She isn't going to listen any more than I did. I hope he doesn't use her until he breaks her heart, or does what he does so well, sweeps you off your feet and then isolates you and manipulates you and never takes responsibility for anything, never finishes anything he starts and cannot give, only takes. I was a perfect mark for him, and, considering her favorite song on her Myspace, she is too. Tomorrow I go to sign the divorce papers and then they send them to his mom, she is to overnight them to him, he is to sign them and get them right back. They get filed and 60 days later, we are divorced and I won't be a Freels anymore. I can have my maiden name back. Maybe by then it will be time to celebrate, right now I am full of conflicting emotions, and have to keep reminding myself what a sociopath is and that there was nothing I could or couldn't have done to change anything. It will all be OK eventually, everything will be wonderful in my life. I just can't wait for it to be over! I want my bedroom finished!! I want some normalcy! I want my life back!