Seasons Greetings Afterthoughts
I’ve been thinking about the holidays and how much I detest them. Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been a thorn in my side for I don’t know how long because the same thing always happens: My sister, who I love dearly, will roll into town for the holidays, bitch about how she hates Phoenix because its so slow for her cosmopolitan lifestyle for a about 15-20 minutes and then I wait for the countdown to disaster.
Every year, something goes wrong and she and our dad get into a huge fight…a yelling match about some insignificant point and then the calm finally settles on the household. The sole reason I don’t like being around my own family is because when I try to talk to other people about them, all I remember is the fighting. I’m pretty sure that there are good memories of spending time with my family, but its been so long that I no longer remember them. The only reason I even look forward to the holidays is my sister’s friend Priya.
Priya is a friend of my sisters, about my sister’s age, who lives in California to pursue a career in acting…just like my sister. I know some stuff about her from what my sister says (yeah, I actually pay attention). She’s smart, funny, kind, attractive…and a healthy scoop of crazy that makes her interesting. I find myself thinking more about her every time the holidays comes to pass, but the same thing always happens: I hesitate. I don’t open up and and talk to her like I should, so I appear invisible to her. Part of me wants to take a chance to talk to her and get to know her better, the other part wants to lobotomize the section of my brain that says I might stand a chance so these thoughts don’t haunt me. All I’m certain of is that someone that beautiful probably has a boyfriend, if not a couple of guys interested in her.
I know that this entry is nothing more than my own meloncoly speaking through the written word about my utter lack of self confidence... At least I know myself well enough to acknowledge that. My closest and dearest friends have done their best to break me of this habit over the last 10+ years, and for that I am grateful. I asked my most outgoing and somewhat arrogant friends (arrogance is a positive trait at time, so don’t bitch me out for saying it) how they can go about saying or acting the way they do, to which they have unanimously said that they say whatever they feel because it is what they want to do, and the people around them will either accept it or walk away. I decided that this year is the time to embrace this philosophy as my own and see where life will take me. Hopefully, it will lead me down a better path of self enlightenment and a new found source of courage since the day I died (but that’s another journal entry altogether).
With my luck, my sister is reading this and picking which bone to break in my body…again (she’s born in November so her birthday and Thanksgiving are a big deal in my family). Worst case scenario, she’s seen fit to show this entry to Priya, and Priya thinks less of me already and doesn’t show up for Thanksgiving 2009.
Every year, something goes wrong and she and our dad get into a huge fight…a yelling match about some insignificant point and then the calm finally settles on the household. The sole reason I don’t like being around my own family is because when I try to talk to other people about them, all I remember is the fighting. I’m pretty sure that there are good memories of spending time with my family, but its been so long that I no longer remember them. The only reason I even look forward to the holidays is my sister’s friend Priya.
Priya is a friend of my sisters, about my sister’s age, who lives in California to pursue a career in acting…just like my sister. I know some stuff about her from what my sister says (yeah, I actually pay attention). She’s smart, funny, kind, attractive…and a healthy scoop of crazy that makes her interesting. I find myself thinking more about her every time the holidays comes to pass, but the same thing always happens: I hesitate. I don’t open up and and talk to her like I should, so I appear invisible to her. Part of me wants to take a chance to talk to her and get to know her better, the other part wants to lobotomize the section of my brain that says I might stand a chance so these thoughts don’t haunt me. All I’m certain of is that someone that beautiful probably has a boyfriend, if not a couple of guys interested in her.
I know that this entry is nothing more than my own meloncoly speaking through the written word about my utter lack of self confidence... At least I know myself well enough to acknowledge that. My closest and dearest friends have done their best to break me of this habit over the last 10+ years, and for that I am grateful. I asked my most outgoing and somewhat arrogant friends (arrogance is a positive trait at time, so don’t bitch me out for saying it) how they can go about saying or acting the way they do, to which they have unanimously said that they say whatever they feel because it is what they want to do, and the people around them will either accept it or walk away. I decided that this year is the time to embrace this philosophy as my own and see where life will take me. Hopefully, it will lead me down a better path of self enlightenment and a new found source of courage since the day I died (but that’s another journal entry altogether).
With my luck, my sister is reading this and picking which bone to break in my body…again (she’s born in November so her birthday and Thanksgiving are a big deal in my family). Worst case scenario, she’s seen fit to show this entry to Priya, and Priya thinks less of me already and doesn’t show up for Thanksgiving 2009.