Fic: Warrior (4/4)
Story info and warnings can be found in part 1.
Two days later, Rodney knocked on his office door. "Col. Sheppard."
"Dr. McKay." John blinked, "Can I help you?
"What are you doing here?"
"It's my office."
"You're never in your office."
"There was a lot of catching up to do."
"You never catch up! And you don't go up to that balcony any more." Rodney tightened his mouth as if he could swallow back the words.
"That would be why there was a lot of catching up to do. And I don't need to go stargazing. What can I do for you? Anything new on that Cananth facility?"
"Nothing." Rodney shook his head and turned away. "Sorry to disturb you."
***
"John?" Teyla sat next to him in the mess.
"Hi, Teyla. How've you been?"
"You have not been to train with me in almost two weeks."
John glanced up at her. She looked concerned. "I've been busy."
"We have had no missions."
"Military commander. Means I have to do... military stuff."
"You always found time before. And I have seen you in the gym, or sparring with the Marines."
John didn't want to tell her that he had started to feel strange about working out with a woman. He couldn't put his finger on it, but maybe it was important for good relations. "Y'got me." John gave her a smile to make her feel better. "Got tired of getting my tail kicked."
"I will expect you tomorrow morning."
John went down to the gym the next day. He remembered doing this with Teyla, and picked up a pair of fighting sticks. She came in, dressed in her skirt and leather shirt. Without a word, she picked up sticks of her own and walked to the center of the room. John followed her and took a fighting stance, eyes on the center of her chest, to see which way she would move. He blocked her first attacks, failed to land a few of his own, and they she came at him quickly, and he couldn't keep following both sticks. Blows landed, and he knew she was pulling them, and he felt a calm anger wash over him. She didn't need to baby him. He swung both sticks together, breathing hard now, and trying to overwhelm her with strength, and the next thing he knew, he was lying on the floor, Teyla's foot in the middle of his back.
"You have been avoiding me."
"Nah," he lied.
"You are not responsible for what happened to me."
"I know that. Can I get up now?" She moved her foot and he started to rise.
"And those children?"
"Enemy combatants." John got to his feet and looked Teyla in the eye. "It sucks that they were delusional enough to think they were supposed to feed like Wraith, and I'm sorry it was you they caught, but it played out the way it played out. It's no good going over it now."
She looked at him levelly for a long moment. "I see."
"I need to get to work," John said. Teyla nodded, stepping toward him, but he turned away before he remembered the Athosian forehead touch. When he turned back, she was already gone.
***
The rest of the week was routine. John sat through his sessions with Dr. Heightmeyer, kept to his gym and running schedule, and thought about a new program for combat readiness. He had just wrapped up the memo informing Elizabeth of the plans, when Sgt. Bates knocked on his office door. "Sir."
John looked up from his computer, squinting and stretching his neck. The backlog was almost caught up. "Yes?"
"My team is on rotation for the burger run, but Capt. Levy is down with some kind of flu."
"You can go a man short, can't you? It's just the Cananth."
"Yes sir, but Dr. McKay heard me tell Dr. Weir, and he seems to want to go back there. Something about additional readings in that facility of theirs." Bates shrugged. "Just wanted to give you a heads-up, sir."
"Thank you, Sergeant. Dismissed." John hadn't been back on his computer five minutes when his earpiece beeped. "Sheppard," he answered.
"John," Elizabeth said. "Capt. Levy is ill, and we were due for a visit to the Cananth. Rodney would like to go back. Would you mind taking your team?"
"Sure. What's our ETD?"
"Levy's team was due to go out in about two hours."
"We can make that. Sheppard out."
"Wait. John?"
"Yes."
"Instead of taking Cpl. Shane, would you mind taking Dr. Corrigan? He's requested a trip."
"Sure. Just have him there on time." John keyed his radio for his team. "Teyla, Dr. McKay. We have a mission. Just a burger run. See you in the gate room in two hours from this mark. Cpl. Shane, you're sitting this one out."
"Of course, John," Teyla answered.
"Oh, good," Rodney said.
"Yes, sir," Cpl. Shane said.
John worked at his computer for another hour, answering emails and checking off on inventories. He used the time on his way to the gear room to stop by the armory and do a quick visual confirmation of the inventory there and pick up his P-90.
Corrigan and McKay came into the gear room when he had mostly finished, and he nodded on his way out. "See you at the gate." He was there with fifteen minutes to spare.
"Colonel Sheppard," Elizabeth called from the balcony. "A moment." John took the stairs two at a time. "My office?" He nodded and she led the way. She didn't sit, or offer him a chair, but leaned on her desk to face him. "Is everything okay?"
"Why shouldn't it be, ma'am?"
"Your paperwork is up to date, the Marines are all jumpy, and you just called me ma'am."
"I gave the Marines a few spot inspections to keep them on their toes. How is that a problem? It's part of my job."
"I see," she said. She took a deep breath. She walked around to her desk, and took a knife out. "Carry on, then. Here's your trade goods."
John nodded and went back down the stairs, Elizabeth following. Dr. Corrigan and Rodney were waiting for him.
Teyla walked up a moment later and stepped over to Elizabeth. "It is time?"
"She agrees," Elizabeth nodded, her lips tight. "Rodney, you have a go."
John looked at Rodney. "What's that about?"
"The, uh, facility. Stuff up there."
John didn't like the look on Rodney's face. He was a bad liar. He also wasn't sure what the exchange between Elizabeth and Teyla meant. He shrugged, looked at Chuck, and nodded. "Dial 'er up."
They stepped through into the familiar glade, the high canopy of trees overhead. As they stared down the path, Taline and another man came forward to accompany them to the settlement. Taline fell into step with John. "Welcome back! Will you let us celebrate now?"
"I'd rather you didn't," John said. "Not that I'm not grateful, but I like to keep things low key."
"Part of what you are," she said, agreeing. John didn't know what answer there was to that, so he nodded, and glanced away. Rodney was near, trying to look like he wasn't evesdropping, but his body language showed that his attention was directed toward John and Taline. John let it go. He didn't want to tell Rodney he'd been in the Help. He was fine. Never better.
At the settlement they greeted Kaline, and Rodney reached into his pack to pull out an entire Hershey Bar. "I really would like to attach my computer to the consoles in the Haven and Help. It won't change anything, but I can learn more."
"And that is your price?" Kaline asked. "What is it?"
"Remember the chocolate that Dr. Corrigan brought? This is the same thing, and it's wrapped in metal foil." Rodney waved it. "Enough for everyone to taste, plus, metal. I won't change a thing, but I'll be able to learn much, much more."
Kaline glanced at John. "Did you bring me a knife, too?"
Reached into his pocket and handed her the paring knife Elizabeth had given him. "It's small, but it's useful. Fine work."
Kaline took it and tried it on her thumb, and nodded. "This will do."
"What about me?" Rodney asked. "Can I go up there? She can come with me and break my hands if I do something funny." He pointed at Taline.
Kaline nodded. Rodney turned up the path, and John noticed that Corrigan wasn't going with him. "What brings you here, Doc?"
Corrigan blushed slightly. "I'm going to join Dr. McKay in a few hours when he has the interface up, but in the meantime, I'd like to go play with the rhunoks."
John looked at Kaline, who shrugged. "They seem to like him," she said.
"Knock yourself out."
John, Kaline and Teyla stood silent for a moment. Teyla said, "May we talk of the foundlings?"
"Of course," Kaline said.
They went into one of the buildings, and John sat with them. He wasn't really interested in the discussion, but he listened to their voices rise and fall, and kept up with the gist of it. "Do you agree, John?"
He nodded. "I think so. If I understand, the Cananth agree to start asking people to take the foundlings, and not just leaving them at the gate. If they can't place a child, the Athosians will help."
"Yes." Teyla looked at John. "I think we are finished here."
About damn time John thought. Whole thing could have been settled in less than half the time. "I think I'll see what Rodney's up to, if that's all right?" Kaline nodded, and John rose, smiling at both women before he went through the hide door. Several Cananth nodded to him and stepped aside as he made his way up to the path. John didn't know what that meant. About half way there, he heard the distinctive whine of darts in the distance. He ran back to the settlement to help hide the signs, noting approvingly the organization of the Cananth and the calm in the face of danger. Rodney was already in the Haven and Help, and Teyla was carrying something, trailinging a group of Cananth up the trail. John hadn't seen Corrigan, but when the buildings were down, Kanor appeared at his side. him. "Come. We must go. They have spotted Wraith on the ground."
John took off with him to the Haven and Help, following the last people up the hill. As they stepped inside, he said, "Everyone in?"
"I think so," Kanor said. He glanced back. "And two breeding pairs. What happens from here is what happens. People die every time. We who live will remember them, and remember we are alive." He put two fingers in the middle of John's chest. "We dance."
"Okay," John said, suppressing a shrug.
Kanor's lips twisted as he looked down. John couldn't figure out why the man was disappointed. They stood just inside the opening, listening to the darts for several minutes. Teyla walked up to them, a worried look on her face.
"I can't find Dr. Corrigan."
"I'm sure he made it up," John said.
"No, John, I am sure he did not. I have looked everywhere for him, and Shanor said he last saw him with the rhunoks."
"Sometimes those with the herd are last to arrive here. They are the first to be taken," Kanor said.
"Hey may still be out there!" Teyla took John by the shoulders. "We cannot leave him."
"The Wraith are here, Teyla. Kanor says some are taken every time. It's not a reasonable risk to go after him."
Teyla looked at him, stricken, but John didn't understand why. She'd grown up with the Wraith. She should understand these things.
She turned and ran into the Haven and Help. John looked back out the door. Only those with the Ancient gene could open the door, and the Wraith couldn't even see it. He settled in to wait, but moments later she returned with Rodney.
"You're not going after Corrigan?"
"Rodney," John began. He wasn't sure he could put it in terms Rodney would accept.
"Who taught me that we don't leave people behind?"
"This isn't the same thing. Sometimes you just have to do the math, Rodney."
Rodney looked down, eyes moving from side to side, his jaw working. "If you leave him out there, in our uniform, the Wraith will know where we travel. We can't afford that. The Cananth can't afford for the Wraith to know that we come here. I'm going if you won't."
John took a breath. "Damn it." Rodney was right. He looked at Kanor. "Corrigan was with the rhunok herd. Where were they?"
"Beyond the meeting place. They were in a glade, feeding. You'll hear them."
"If he's down, it'll take two of us to carry him. John glanced at Rodney and then at Teyla. Rodney was more valuable, and Teyla was better in the field. "Teyla, you're with me."
"Of course."
John waited for a moment. The darts didn't seem close. "All right, let's go. We've got Wraith on the ground. You know the drill.
"Indeed I do."
John looked at her, not sure what to make of the edge in her voice. He nodded, and they started down the hill, keeping just off the trail, moving from tree to tree for cover. John heard movement, and froze, motioning to Teyla, but she stepped out onto the path. John brought his weapon up. What would possess her to do that? Were there Wraith close enough that they could cloud her mind?
"Cpl. Shane," he heard her say. John started to yell for them to take cover, wondering what the hell Shane was doing here. "This way." She raised her voice, calling, "John?"
John stepped out from behind a tree, walking with his weapon up, sighting down the barrel. "What's going on here?" Teyla stood with Corrigan, Shane, Dr. Beckett, and a team of six Marines led by Sgt. Bates.
"John, put your weapon down. There are no Wraith."
"What's this about?" He heard sounds behind him, and saw Rodney, Kanor, and Kaline walking toward them. "What's going on?"
"You are not Cananth," Kaline said. She glanced at Kanor. "Should never have let you ask for Help."
John looked from Kanor to Teyla. He couldn't look at Rodney, and there was no dodging this. Rodney walked up to him and held out his hand. "Your wrist. Let me see it."
"No."
"Sir," Bates said, "We need to see your wrist." He nodded toward Rodney, and Shane stepped closer, both tense, and John knew they probably had orders to make him comply.
"This is some misunderstanding," John said. I'm fine. Rodney held out his hand again, and John stepped back, dropping his P-90 and raising his wrist. He peeled back the black band just enough to show the dark bar. "Okay? But they're right. It does help."
"Sir," said Sgt. Bates, "you are under the influence of alien technology and have been relieved of command by Dr. Weir's order."
"There is nothing wrong with me," John insisted. "Tell them, Dr. Beckett."
"Not physically, no, but Dr. Heightmeyer has her opinions on the matter."
John looked at Rodney. His mouth slanted sideways, but he looked John in the eye. "You are not yourself, Colonel. We've all seen it."
"Kaline," Teyla said. "It is time."
"What about the Wraith?" John asked.
"Simulation, Colonel," Bates said. "We came through with a recording and a speaker.”
John turned to Kaline and Kanor. "You were in on this?"
Kaline shrugged. "Chocolate. And you are not Cananth. It is not for you. Teyla told me how you had changed."
Kanor stepped closer to John. "You did not Become what you are. You Became something wrong, something very different from what your people expect, from what they need you to be. Teyla helped us understand." He put the back of his fingers on John's arm, and John stepped away. "You cannot dance any more. That is wrong. That is not Help. What reminds you that you are alive?"
"I'm fine," John insisted. "This is better." Rodney snorted. John turned to him. Rodney's anguish was written on his face, clear enough even for John to see.
"You're not fine, and it's not better." Rodney stepped close. "Smartest man in two galaxies, remember?"
"Not noted for your people skills."
Rodney looked down and set his jaw, then his gaze locked on John's face. "Maybe not, but then if even I can see it? You have to undo this. We need you back." Rodney dropped his voice. "I--" he cut himself off. "You need to undo this."
Bates and Shane moved to flank John. "Sir, it's time to go." The Cananth began to stream down the hill, but they parted around the group and continued down to the meeting place. John shook off Shane's hand on his arm, and still looking at Rodney, turned to go up the hill. Rodney nodded at him, and John looked away, striding up the hill through the crowd moving the other way, letting the rest follow behind. If he was going to do this, it would be on his own terms.
He knew his way to the Help, but when he reached the door, he stopped. He didn't want to change back. He didn't know how. He could hear the others coming behind him, so he put his hand on the swirl in the center of the door, and it lit up and rose into the ceiling as before. He could feel the slight buzz when he stepped in, but nothing happened. Kanor and Rodney arrived at the doorway. "Nothing's happening," John said. "I guess you're stuck with the new me."
"No," Rodney stuck his arm out to block the doorway. "Try harder."
John snorted his impatience, but went back to the center of the room. He took in a breath and tried to concentrate. "Nothing."
Rodney walked into the room and grabbed John by the shoulders. "You have to--" but his words were cut off in a rush, the sensation that he was connected with himself the way the Chair helped him connect to Atlantis. It was painful, and he heard a sharp intake of breath from Rodney, and then the pain resolved to fire, the feeling that some kind of fire was being moved inside his head, pressed under his skin. The two spots on his lower back exploded and then froze, and he felt suspended, balanced, precariously open. His heart began to thunder in his chest as the sensations passed. He was gasping for breath when he opened his eyes, and saw Rodney's blue eyes, wide and worried, searching his face. "John?" There was a note of panic in his voice.
"All here," John said, and he could remember what he had been. He was not the Col. Everett type. This hurt, but the rush in his center when he looked at Rodney was a deeper pain, spiking down to his groin and the realization that he was suddenly hard. He turned his body away from the door, bending over with his hands on his knees, breathing deeply. He fought to get hold of himself, and Rodney's hand on his shoulder was an anchor. When he could stand and turn, he saw Teyla at the door, Bates, Corrigan and Kanor behind her. He looked at Rodney. "You got these people to agree to a fake Wraith attack, just to get me in here?"
"It was my idea," Shane said. "Everyone knew there was something off about you, but there wasn't anything we could point to that the military wouldn’t think was a positive."
"It was nice to have the paperwork up to date," Bates said.
"But you were willing to leave a man behind, sir," Shane said. "It gets you into trouble, but it's who you are."
John didn't know what to make of it. "Teyla?"
"You are here again." She stepped forward and they touched foreheads. Teyla’s hands came up to rest on his forearms, warm and familiar.
John straightened and turned away, because he couldn't school his face. They had done this for him, because he was who he was, not because of who he thought they wanted him to be. "I... Thank you." He couldn’t look at them. It was overwhelming. He walked to the far side of the Help, and put his hands against the wall. He could feel it. He could shut it down if he wanted to. Rodney stepped closer to him. "Col. Sheppard."
"Dr. McKay."
"Don't do what I think you're about to do. I have the gene. I can feel it.”
John nodded, swallowing down bitterness. Softly he said, "It's too much. How did I do it?"
"Live with emotions?" John nodded. Rodney said, "You were the most self-controlled man I know, and I have always, always admired that about you." He paused, and his voice changed to an attempt at breezy. "Wanted to be more like you, actually."
John pushed himself off the wall, laughing. "Not on my worst enemy, partner." Anyone overhearing them would think it was a joke, But he offered the word as an apology, remembering what he hadn't felt the last time he and Rodney had been together. "I owe you one."
"Can we get going? Carson wants a look at you."
"Sure," John said, ready to turn, overwhelmed, but with a lazy smile on his face. "Let's out of here."
***
Elizabeth came to see him in the infirmary. "I hear things are back to normal."
"I guess so," John said.
"Rodney and Dr. Corrigan have been going over the records Rodney was able to download before..."
"Before you faked a Wraith attack."
Elizabeth nodded.
"They learn anything?"
"Dr. Corrigan thinks the dampening field was to hide research into machines that alter consciousness. The Ancients were looking into ways to improve Ascension, maybe, or treating criminals? The Cananth may be the remnant of the experimental subjects."
"Elizabeth, that doesn't explain room-size transporters, or the fact that the Help could probably hold 50 people at a time."
Her eyebrows came together. "What do you think?"
"I don't know what to think. Creating soldiers to fight the Wraith?"
"Mass mind effects," Elizabeth said, and John could watch her drawing conclusions. "I suppose we may never know what it was for, unless Rodney and Dr. Corrigan work it out. Maybe I'll take a look at it, too. Maybe a rogue Ancient scientist?"
John shrugged.
"What was it like?" She asked abruptly. "After the help. Kaline explained it to me that they have some idea of what they want to become, and visualize it. What did you visualize?"
John felt his neck heat up. "I'd rather not say."
"Was it Jack O'Neill?" John snorted. That would have been a better choice, maybe. He shook his head. "Col. Caldwell?" He shook his head again. He stared at him for a long moment. "Col. Everett." It wasn't a question, but her voice sounded disbelieving.
John hung his head to hide his embarrassment.
"Well, that explains a lot," Elizabeth said. She patted his shoulder, and left him alone.
***
John stood at Rodney's door, shifting from foot to foot. He checked his life signs detector. Someone was coming, so he turned and walked briskly away. Around the corner he paused, watching the blip go into its room, then went back to Rodney's door, took a breath, and knocked.
Rodney's eyes widened when he saw John, but then dropped again as his mouth slanted sideways. "What can I do for you?"
It wasn't the greeting John had expected. He held up the life signs detector. "Can I come in?"
Rodney nodded and stood aside. John noted that he was freshly shaven. John had also showered and shaved when Carson released him. He came in far enough for the door to close behind him. "Should I go?"
"What?" Rodney said. "No. No. I just, I think I know why you're here, and it's okay. I mean, really. I get it."
John felt his shoulders unclench a bit. "I was afraid that after--" He didn't know how to say it. "I wasn't myself."
"Yeah," said Rodney, his voice tight. "I get it." He stepped away, his arms hugging across his chest. The distance confused John. He stepped forward, and Rodney stepped back. "I get it. Should never have happened. Vegas and all that."
"Have you been listening to me at all?"
"Yes. I hear you. You weren't yourself." Rodney wouldn't look at him. He'd made some decision John didn't understand, and he wondered if he should just turn and go, but he decided to chance it. Rodney's laptop was on the desk, so John walked over to it and leaned over the keyboard.
"What are you doing?" Rodney dropped his arms and took a step toward him.
John held up a finger. "Trust me." It was only a few keystrokes and clicks and he was in Rodney's music player. Sure enough, there was a playlist called 23423. He started it, and sure enough it was part of that rhythmic jazz mix Rodney had played that first night. He looked up to find Rodney with his mouth open.
"How did you?"
"Jazz for John," he said. 23 is the number of the letter J in ROT13 substitution. J is the 10th letter of the alphabet, and add 13, and--"
"I know. I did it, I mean, and God, do I love your brain! But I thought..."
John put his hand out, pretending he wasn't worried that his fingers would show his nerves. "I thought maybe," John stopped and took a breath, "maybe we should dance."
John looked from the hand to John's face. "That night, with the Cananth, I was drunk, stoned, whatever that stuff did. I mean, I can waltz if I have to, but..." Rodney let his voice fade. "Wait. You mean...?"
"I mean. Yeah," John said.
Rodney shook his head, his mouth twisting down, and John felt a weight fall in on him. He reached for the laptop and stopped the music. "I'm sorry. I'll go.
"Wait. No. What?" Rodney said. "No. It's just that if I had any doubt you were returned to normal, I think this proves it."
"What?" John's head was starting to buzz.
"You talk like you. You can't even finish a sentence."
"I finish sentences all the time!" The buzz got louder. Even for Rodney, this conversation was confusing.
"Not when it matters," Rodney said, "and not when you think I know what you're thinking. But I don't. I don't know what you're thinking."
John wanted to sit down. "Now I'm completely lost."
"Why did you come to see me?"
John looked down and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look," he said, trying to figure out how to keep Rodney from interpreting everything he said the wrong way. When he glanced up at Rodney his eyes were closed tight, like he was waiting for a blow. Words wouldn't do it. He pulled off his T-shirt, tossing it aside as he closed the distance between them, and grabbed the hem of Rodney's shirt, lifting it up and pulling it over Rodney's head. He had to touch him, to tell him, hands sliding down the contours of Rodney's arms, across his chest. Rodney reached out, more tentative at first, but when John reached for the button of Rodney's jeans, he went all in, and they helped each other undress.
When they were naked, they stopped, looking at each other from a short distance, their breathing ragged. John took Rodney's head with both hands, fingers splayed in his hair. Rodney's lips parted, but John hesitated. He'd fallen off this cliff once before. It should be easier the second time, but he held himself back. Last time he hadn't been sure of what he was getting into. This time he was.
He leaned in, feeling Rodney's moan against his skin, shot through with relief as their lips touched. Their mouths opened to each other and the kiss deepened, and neither one of them pulled away. This was the conversation they needed to have, with apology and forgiveness, and desire melting back and forth between them. The noise in John's head went silent, and in the space was light and air. John broke the kiss and looked into Rodney's eyes, his thumb rubbing across a cheekbone.
"Are we clear now?"
Rodney nodded. John led him to the bed and they lay down side by side, close enough to feel each other's breath, with their hands moving. John felt the tension of Rodney's muscles, and his own shivers when Rodney trailed his fingers down a flank. He rolled Rodney onto his back, and positioned himself above him, aligning their erections as he lowered his weight to his elbows. He wanted to drop his head to Rodney's shoulder, but he made himself look into Rodney’s face, open and wonderful, searching back at him. In the Help, the Ancient machine, it was Rodney who had made John whole, and Rodney who knew John well enough to help him find himself again.
A kiss could not say enough, but as John hesitated, Rodney reached up, giving John all the things that words could not convey. With Rodney's teeth on his lower lip, John panted, hips starting to rock, but hardly moving. Slick with sweat and trapped in the heat between them, John was more than ready, and when Rodney captured his mouth again, it muffled John's cries as he spilled out everything he had. Rodney matched him moments later, John pulled back to watch his face, grinning. He dropped his head to Rodney's shoulder before Rodney could see the smile and mistake it.
He shifted his weight, and lay down beside Rodney's spent body, hand on his chest to feel his heart and breathing slow. "Better than dancing," Rodney said.
John didn't correct him. They had long been dancing, and they would always dance.
Two days later, Rodney knocked on his office door. "Col. Sheppard."
"Dr. McKay." John blinked, "Can I help you?
"What are you doing here?"
"It's my office."
"You're never in your office."
"There was a lot of catching up to do."
"You never catch up! And you don't go up to that balcony any more." Rodney tightened his mouth as if he could swallow back the words.
"That would be why there was a lot of catching up to do. And I don't need to go stargazing. What can I do for you? Anything new on that Cananth facility?"
"Nothing." Rodney shook his head and turned away. "Sorry to disturb you."
***
"John?" Teyla sat next to him in the mess.
"Hi, Teyla. How've you been?"
"You have not been to train with me in almost two weeks."
John glanced up at her. She looked concerned. "I've been busy."
"We have had no missions."
"Military commander. Means I have to do... military stuff."
"You always found time before. And I have seen you in the gym, or sparring with the Marines."
John didn't want to tell her that he had started to feel strange about working out with a woman. He couldn't put his finger on it, but maybe it was important for good relations. "Y'got me." John gave her a smile to make her feel better. "Got tired of getting my tail kicked."
"I will expect you tomorrow morning."
John went down to the gym the next day. He remembered doing this with Teyla, and picked up a pair of fighting sticks. She came in, dressed in her skirt and leather shirt. Without a word, she picked up sticks of her own and walked to the center of the room. John followed her and took a fighting stance, eyes on the center of her chest, to see which way she would move. He blocked her first attacks, failed to land a few of his own, and they she came at him quickly, and he couldn't keep following both sticks. Blows landed, and he knew she was pulling them, and he felt a calm anger wash over him. She didn't need to baby him. He swung both sticks together, breathing hard now, and trying to overwhelm her with strength, and the next thing he knew, he was lying on the floor, Teyla's foot in the middle of his back.
"You have been avoiding me."
"Nah," he lied.
"You are not responsible for what happened to me."
"I know that. Can I get up now?" She moved her foot and he started to rise.
"And those children?"
"Enemy combatants." John got to his feet and looked Teyla in the eye. "It sucks that they were delusional enough to think they were supposed to feed like Wraith, and I'm sorry it was you they caught, but it played out the way it played out. It's no good going over it now."
She looked at him levelly for a long moment. "I see."
"I need to get to work," John said. Teyla nodded, stepping toward him, but he turned away before he remembered the Athosian forehead touch. When he turned back, she was already gone.
***
The rest of the week was routine. John sat through his sessions with Dr. Heightmeyer, kept to his gym and running schedule, and thought about a new program for combat readiness. He had just wrapped up the memo informing Elizabeth of the plans, when Sgt. Bates knocked on his office door. "Sir."
John looked up from his computer, squinting and stretching his neck. The backlog was almost caught up. "Yes?"
"My team is on rotation for the burger run, but Capt. Levy is down with some kind of flu."
"You can go a man short, can't you? It's just the Cananth."
"Yes sir, but Dr. McKay heard me tell Dr. Weir, and he seems to want to go back there. Something about additional readings in that facility of theirs." Bates shrugged. "Just wanted to give you a heads-up, sir."
"Thank you, Sergeant. Dismissed." John hadn't been back on his computer five minutes when his earpiece beeped. "Sheppard," he answered.
"John," Elizabeth said. "Capt. Levy is ill, and we were due for a visit to the Cananth. Rodney would like to go back. Would you mind taking your team?"
"Sure. What's our ETD?"
"Levy's team was due to go out in about two hours."
"We can make that. Sheppard out."
"Wait. John?"
"Yes."
"Instead of taking Cpl. Shane, would you mind taking Dr. Corrigan? He's requested a trip."
"Sure. Just have him there on time." John keyed his radio for his team. "Teyla, Dr. McKay. We have a mission. Just a burger run. See you in the gate room in two hours from this mark. Cpl. Shane, you're sitting this one out."
"Of course, John," Teyla answered.
"Oh, good," Rodney said.
"Yes, sir," Cpl. Shane said.
John worked at his computer for another hour, answering emails and checking off on inventories. He used the time on his way to the gear room to stop by the armory and do a quick visual confirmation of the inventory there and pick up his P-90.
Corrigan and McKay came into the gear room when he had mostly finished, and he nodded on his way out. "See you at the gate." He was there with fifteen minutes to spare.
"Colonel Sheppard," Elizabeth called from the balcony. "A moment." John took the stairs two at a time. "My office?" He nodded and she led the way. She didn't sit, or offer him a chair, but leaned on her desk to face him. "Is everything okay?"
"Why shouldn't it be, ma'am?"
"Your paperwork is up to date, the Marines are all jumpy, and you just called me ma'am."
"I gave the Marines a few spot inspections to keep them on their toes. How is that a problem? It's part of my job."
"I see," she said. She took a deep breath. She walked around to her desk, and took a knife out. "Carry on, then. Here's your trade goods."
John nodded and went back down the stairs, Elizabeth following. Dr. Corrigan and Rodney were waiting for him.
Teyla walked up a moment later and stepped over to Elizabeth. "It is time?"
"She agrees," Elizabeth nodded, her lips tight. "Rodney, you have a go."
John looked at Rodney. "What's that about?"
"The, uh, facility. Stuff up there."
John didn't like the look on Rodney's face. He was a bad liar. He also wasn't sure what the exchange between Elizabeth and Teyla meant. He shrugged, looked at Chuck, and nodded. "Dial 'er up."
They stepped through into the familiar glade, the high canopy of trees overhead. As they stared down the path, Taline and another man came forward to accompany them to the settlement. Taline fell into step with John. "Welcome back! Will you let us celebrate now?"
"I'd rather you didn't," John said. "Not that I'm not grateful, but I like to keep things low key."
"Part of what you are," she said, agreeing. John didn't know what answer there was to that, so he nodded, and glanced away. Rodney was near, trying to look like he wasn't evesdropping, but his body language showed that his attention was directed toward John and Taline. John let it go. He didn't want to tell Rodney he'd been in the Help. He was fine. Never better.
At the settlement they greeted Kaline, and Rodney reached into his pack to pull out an entire Hershey Bar. "I really would like to attach my computer to the consoles in the Haven and Help. It won't change anything, but I can learn more."
"And that is your price?" Kaline asked. "What is it?"
"Remember the chocolate that Dr. Corrigan brought? This is the same thing, and it's wrapped in metal foil." Rodney waved it. "Enough for everyone to taste, plus, metal. I won't change a thing, but I'll be able to learn much, much more."
Kaline glanced at John. "Did you bring me a knife, too?"
Reached into his pocket and handed her the paring knife Elizabeth had given him. "It's small, but it's useful. Fine work."
Kaline took it and tried it on her thumb, and nodded. "This will do."
"What about me?" Rodney asked. "Can I go up there? She can come with me and break my hands if I do something funny." He pointed at Taline.
Kaline nodded. Rodney turned up the path, and John noticed that Corrigan wasn't going with him. "What brings you here, Doc?"
Corrigan blushed slightly. "I'm going to join Dr. McKay in a few hours when he has the interface up, but in the meantime, I'd like to go play with the rhunoks."
John looked at Kaline, who shrugged. "They seem to like him," she said.
"Knock yourself out."
John, Kaline and Teyla stood silent for a moment. Teyla said, "May we talk of the foundlings?"
"Of course," Kaline said.
They went into one of the buildings, and John sat with them. He wasn't really interested in the discussion, but he listened to their voices rise and fall, and kept up with the gist of it. "Do you agree, John?"
He nodded. "I think so. If I understand, the Cananth agree to start asking people to take the foundlings, and not just leaving them at the gate. If they can't place a child, the Athosians will help."
"Yes." Teyla looked at John. "I think we are finished here."
About damn time John thought. Whole thing could have been settled in less than half the time. "I think I'll see what Rodney's up to, if that's all right?" Kaline nodded, and John rose, smiling at both women before he went through the hide door. Several Cananth nodded to him and stepped aside as he made his way up to the path. John didn't know what that meant. About half way there, he heard the distinctive whine of darts in the distance. He ran back to the settlement to help hide the signs, noting approvingly the organization of the Cananth and the calm in the face of danger. Rodney was already in the Haven and Help, and Teyla was carrying something, trailinging a group of Cananth up the trail. John hadn't seen Corrigan, but when the buildings were down, Kanor appeared at his side. him. "Come. We must go. They have spotted Wraith on the ground."
John took off with him to the Haven and Help, following the last people up the hill. As they stepped inside, he said, "Everyone in?"
"I think so," Kanor said. He glanced back. "And two breeding pairs. What happens from here is what happens. People die every time. We who live will remember them, and remember we are alive." He put two fingers in the middle of John's chest. "We dance."
"Okay," John said, suppressing a shrug.
Kanor's lips twisted as he looked down. John couldn't figure out why the man was disappointed. They stood just inside the opening, listening to the darts for several minutes. Teyla walked up to them, a worried look on her face.
"I can't find Dr. Corrigan."
"I'm sure he made it up," John said.
"No, John, I am sure he did not. I have looked everywhere for him, and Shanor said he last saw him with the rhunoks."
"Sometimes those with the herd are last to arrive here. They are the first to be taken," Kanor said.
"Hey may still be out there!" Teyla took John by the shoulders. "We cannot leave him."
"The Wraith are here, Teyla. Kanor says some are taken every time. It's not a reasonable risk to go after him."
Teyla looked at him, stricken, but John didn't understand why. She'd grown up with the Wraith. She should understand these things.
She turned and ran into the Haven and Help. John looked back out the door. Only those with the Ancient gene could open the door, and the Wraith couldn't even see it. He settled in to wait, but moments later she returned with Rodney.
"You're not going after Corrigan?"
"Rodney," John began. He wasn't sure he could put it in terms Rodney would accept.
"Who taught me that we don't leave people behind?"
"This isn't the same thing. Sometimes you just have to do the math, Rodney."
Rodney looked down, eyes moving from side to side, his jaw working. "If you leave him out there, in our uniform, the Wraith will know where we travel. We can't afford that. The Cananth can't afford for the Wraith to know that we come here. I'm going if you won't."
John took a breath. "Damn it." Rodney was right. He looked at Kanor. "Corrigan was with the rhunok herd. Where were they?"
"Beyond the meeting place. They were in a glade, feeding. You'll hear them."
"If he's down, it'll take two of us to carry him. John glanced at Rodney and then at Teyla. Rodney was more valuable, and Teyla was better in the field. "Teyla, you're with me."
"Of course."
John waited for a moment. The darts didn't seem close. "All right, let's go. We've got Wraith on the ground. You know the drill.
"Indeed I do."
John looked at her, not sure what to make of the edge in her voice. He nodded, and they started down the hill, keeping just off the trail, moving from tree to tree for cover. John heard movement, and froze, motioning to Teyla, but she stepped out onto the path. John brought his weapon up. What would possess her to do that? Were there Wraith close enough that they could cloud her mind?
"Cpl. Shane," he heard her say. John started to yell for them to take cover, wondering what the hell Shane was doing here. "This way." She raised her voice, calling, "John?"
John stepped out from behind a tree, walking with his weapon up, sighting down the barrel. "What's going on here?" Teyla stood with Corrigan, Shane, Dr. Beckett, and a team of six Marines led by Sgt. Bates.
"John, put your weapon down. There are no Wraith."
"What's this about?" He heard sounds behind him, and saw Rodney, Kanor, and Kaline walking toward them. "What's going on?"
"You are not Cananth," Kaline said. She glanced at Kanor. "Should never have let you ask for Help."
John looked from Kanor to Teyla. He couldn't look at Rodney, and there was no dodging this. Rodney walked up to him and held out his hand. "Your wrist. Let me see it."
"No."
"Sir," Bates said, "We need to see your wrist." He nodded toward Rodney, and Shane stepped closer, both tense, and John knew they probably had orders to make him comply.
"This is some misunderstanding," John said. I'm fine. Rodney held out his hand again, and John stepped back, dropping his P-90 and raising his wrist. He peeled back the black band just enough to show the dark bar. "Okay? But they're right. It does help."
"Sir," said Sgt. Bates, "you are under the influence of alien technology and have been relieved of command by Dr. Weir's order."
"There is nothing wrong with me," John insisted. "Tell them, Dr. Beckett."
"Not physically, no, but Dr. Heightmeyer has her opinions on the matter."
John looked at Rodney. His mouth slanted sideways, but he looked John in the eye. "You are not yourself, Colonel. We've all seen it."
"Kaline," Teyla said. "It is time."
"What about the Wraith?" John asked.
"Simulation, Colonel," Bates said. "We came through with a recording and a speaker.”
John turned to Kaline and Kanor. "You were in on this?"
Kaline shrugged. "Chocolate. And you are not Cananth. It is not for you. Teyla told me how you had changed."
Kanor stepped closer to John. "You did not Become what you are. You Became something wrong, something very different from what your people expect, from what they need you to be. Teyla helped us understand." He put the back of his fingers on John's arm, and John stepped away. "You cannot dance any more. That is wrong. That is not Help. What reminds you that you are alive?"
"I'm fine," John insisted. "This is better." Rodney snorted. John turned to him. Rodney's anguish was written on his face, clear enough even for John to see.
"You're not fine, and it's not better." Rodney stepped close. "Smartest man in two galaxies, remember?"
"Not noted for your people skills."
Rodney looked down and set his jaw, then his gaze locked on John's face. "Maybe not, but then if even I can see it? You have to undo this. We need you back." Rodney dropped his voice. "I--" he cut himself off. "You need to undo this."
Bates and Shane moved to flank John. "Sir, it's time to go." The Cananth began to stream down the hill, but they parted around the group and continued down to the meeting place. John shook off Shane's hand on his arm, and still looking at Rodney, turned to go up the hill. Rodney nodded at him, and John looked away, striding up the hill through the crowd moving the other way, letting the rest follow behind. If he was going to do this, it would be on his own terms.
He knew his way to the Help, but when he reached the door, he stopped. He didn't want to change back. He didn't know how. He could hear the others coming behind him, so he put his hand on the swirl in the center of the door, and it lit up and rose into the ceiling as before. He could feel the slight buzz when he stepped in, but nothing happened. Kanor and Rodney arrived at the doorway. "Nothing's happening," John said. "I guess you're stuck with the new me."
"No," Rodney stuck his arm out to block the doorway. "Try harder."
John snorted his impatience, but went back to the center of the room. He took in a breath and tried to concentrate. "Nothing."
Rodney walked into the room and grabbed John by the shoulders. "You have to--" but his words were cut off in a rush, the sensation that he was connected with himself the way the Chair helped him connect to Atlantis. It was painful, and he heard a sharp intake of breath from Rodney, and then the pain resolved to fire, the feeling that some kind of fire was being moved inside his head, pressed under his skin. The two spots on his lower back exploded and then froze, and he felt suspended, balanced, precariously open. His heart began to thunder in his chest as the sensations passed. He was gasping for breath when he opened his eyes, and saw Rodney's blue eyes, wide and worried, searching his face. "John?" There was a note of panic in his voice.
"All here," John said, and he could remember what he had been. He was not the Col. Everett type. This hurt, but the rush in his center when he looked at Rodney was a deeper pain, spiking down to his groin and the realization that he was suddenly hard. He turned his body away from the door, bending over with his hands on his knees, breathing deeply. He fought to get hold of himself, and Rodney's hand on his shoulder was an anchor. When he could stand and turn, he saw Teyla at the door, Bates, Corrigan and Kanor behind her. He looked at Rodney. "You got these people to agree to a fake Wraith attack, just to get me in here?"
"It was my idea," Shane said. "Everyone knew there was something off about you, but there wasn't anything we could point to that the military wouldn’t think was a positive."
"It was nice to have the paperwork up to date," Bates said.
"But you were willing to leave a man behind, sir," Shane said. "It gets you into trouble, but it's who you are."
John didn't know what to make of it. "Teyla?"
"You are here again." She stepped forward and they touched foreheads. Teyla’s hands came up to rest on his forearms, warm and familiar.
John straightened and turned away, because he couldn't school his face. They had done this for him, because he was who he was, not because of who he thought they wanted him to be. "I... Thank you." He couldn’t look at them. It was overwhelming. He walked to the far side of the Help, and put his hands against the wall. He could feel it. He could shut it down if he wanted to. Rodney stepped closer to him. "Col. Sheppard."
"Dr. McKay."
"Don't do what I think you're about to do. I have the gene. I can feel it.”
John nodded, swallowing down bitterness. Softly he said, "It's too much. How did I do it?"
"Live with emotions?" John nodded. Rodney said, "You were the most self-controlled man I know, and I have always, always admired that about you." He paused, and his voice changed to an attempt at breezy. "Wanted to be more like you, actually."
John pushed himself off the wall, laughing. "Not on my worst enemy, partner." Anyone overhearing them would think it was a joke, But he offered the word as an apology, remembering what he hadn't felt the last time he and Rodney had been together. "I owe you one."
"Can we get going? Carson wants a look at you."
"Sure," John said, ready to turn, overwhelmed, but with a lazy smile on his face. "Let's out of here."
***
Elizabeth came to see him in the infirmary. "I hear things are back to normal."
"I guess so," John said.
"Rodney and Dr. Corrigan have been going over the records Rodney was able to download before..."
"Before you faked a Wraith attack."
Elizabeth nodded.
"They learn anything?"
"Dr. Corrigan thinks the dampening field was to hide research into machines that alter consciousness. The Ancients were looking into ways to improve Ascension, maybe, or treating criminals? The Cananth may be the remnant of the experimental subjects."
"Elizabeth, that doesn't explain room-size transporters, or the fact that the Help could probably hold 50 people at a time."
Her eyebrows came together. "What do you think?"
"I don't know what to think. Creating soldiers to fight the Wraith?"
"Mass mind effects," Elizabeth said, and John could watch her drawing conclusions. "I suppose we may never know what it was for, unless Rodney and Dr. Corrigan work it out. Maybe I'll take a look at it, too. Maybe a rogue Ancient scientist?"
John shrugged.
"What was it like?" She asked abruptly. "After the help. Kaline explained it to me that they have some idea of what they want to become, and visualize it. What did you visualize?"
John felt his neck heat up. "I'd rather not say."
"Was it Jack O'Neill?" John snorted. That would have been a better choice, maybe. He shook his head. "Col. Caldwell?" He shook his head again. He stared at him for a long moment. "Col. Everett." It wasn't a question, but her voice sounded disbelieving.
John hung his head to hide his embarrassment.
"Well, that explains a lot," Elizabeth said. She patted his shoulder, and left him alone.
***
John stood at Rodney's door, shifting from foot to foot. He checked his life signs detector. Someone was coming, so he turned and walked briskly away. Around the corner he paused, watching the blip go into its room, then went back to Rodney's door, took a breath, and knocked.
Rodney's eyes widened when he saw John, but then dropped again as his mouth slanted sideways. "What can I do for you?"
It wasn't the greeting John had expected. He held up the life signs detector. "Can I come in?"
Rodney nodded and stood aside. John noted that he was freshly shaven. John had also showered and shaved when Carson released him. He came in far enough for the door to close behind him. "Should I go?"
"What?" Rodney said. "No. No. I just, I think I know why you're here, and it's okay. I mean, really. I get it."
John felt his shoulders unclench a bit. "I was afraid that after--" He didn't know how to say it. "I wasn't myself."
"Yeah," said Rodney, his voice tight. "I get it." He stepped away, his arms hugging across his chest. The distance confused John. He stepped forward, and Rodney stepped back. "I get it. Should never have happened. Vegas and all that."
"Have you been listening to me at all?"
"Yes. I hear you. You weren't yourself." Rodney wouldn't look at him. He'd made some decision John didn't understand, and he wondered if he should just turn and go, but he decided to chance it. Rodney's laptop was on the desk, so John walked over to it and leaned over the keyboard.
"What are you doing?" Rodney dropped his arms and took a step toward him.
John held up a finger. "Trust me." It was only a few keystrokes and clicks and he was in Rodney's music player. Sure enough, there was a playlist called 23423. He started it, and sure enough it was part of that rhythmic jazz mix Rodney had played that first night. He looked up to find Rodney with his mouth open.
"How did you?"
"Jazz for John," he said. 23 is the number of the letter J in ROT13 substitution. J is the 10th letter of the alphabet, and add 13, and--"
"I know. I did it, I mean, and God, do I love your brain! But I thought..."
John put his hand out, pretending he wasn't worried that his fingers would show his nerves. "I thought maybe," John stopped and took a breath, "maybe we should dance."
John looked from the hand to John's face. "That night, with the Cananth, I was drunk, stoned, whatever that stuff did. I mean, I can waltz if I have to, but..." Rodney let his voice fade. "Wait. You mean...?"
"I mean. Yeah," John said.
Rodney shook his head, his mouth twisting down, and John felt a weight fall in on him. He reached for the laptop and stopped the music. "I'm sorry. I'll go.
"Wait. No. What?" Rodney said. "No. It's just that if I had any doubt you were returned to normal, I think this proves it."
"What?" John's head was starting to buzz.
"You talk like you. You can't even finish a sentence."
"I finish sentences all the time!" The buzz got louder. Even for Rodney, this conversation was confusing.
"Not when it matters," Rodney said, "and not when you think I know what you're thinking. But I don't. I don't know what you're thinking."
John wanted to sit down. "Now I'm completely lost."
"Why did you come to see me?"
John looked down and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look," he said, trying to figure out how to keep Rodney from interpreting everything he said the wrong way. When he glanced up at Rodney his eyes were closed tight, like he was waiting for a blow. Words wouldn't do it. He pulled off his T-shirt, tossing it aside as he closed the distance between them, and grabbed the hem of Rodney's shirt, lifting it up and pulling it over Rodney's head. He had to touch him, to tell him, hands sliding down the contours of Rodney's arms, across his chest. Rodney reached out, more tentative at first, but when John reached for the button of Rodney's jeans, he went all in, and they helped each other undress.
When they were naked, they stopped, looking at each other from a short distance, their breathing ragged. John took Rodney's head with both hands, fingers splayed in his hair. Rodney's lips parted, but John hesitated. He'd fallen off this cliff once before. It should be easier the second time, but he held himself back. Last time he hadn't been sure of what he was getting into. This time he was.
He leaned in, feeling Rodney's moan against his skin, shot through with relief as their lips touched. Their mouths opened to each other and the kiss deepened, and neither one of them pulled away. This was the conversation they needed to have, with apology and forgiveness, and desire melting back and forth between them. The noise in John's head went silent, and in the space was light and air. John broke the kiss and looked into Rodney's eyes, his thumb rubbing across a cheekbone.
"Are we clear now?"
Rodney nodded. John led him to the bed and they lay down side by side, close enough to feel each other's breath, with their hands moving. John felt the tension of Rodney's muscles, and his own shivers when Rodney trailed his fingers down a flank. He rolled Rodney onto his back, and positioned himself above him, aligning their erections as he lowered his weight to his elbows. He wanted to drop his head to Rodney's shoulder, but he made himself look into Rodney’s face, open and wonderful, searching back at him. In the Help, the Ancient machine, it was Rodney who had made John whole, and Rodney who knew John well enough to help him find himself again.
A kiss could not say enough, but as John hesitated, Rodney reached up, giving John all the things that words could not convey. With Rodney's teeth on his lower lip, John panted, hips starting to rock, but hardly moving. Slick with sweat and trapped in the heat between them, John was more than ready, and when Rodney captured his mouth again, it muffled John's cries as he spilled out everything he had. Rodney matched him moments later, John pulled back to watch his face, grinning. He dropped his head to Rodney's shoulder before Rodney could see the smile and mistake it.
He shifted his weight, and lay down beside Rodney's spent body, hand on his chest to feel his heart and breathing slow. "Better than dancing," Rodney said.
John didn't correct him. They had long been dancing, and they would always dance.