FIC: Season Two, Chapter and Verse by Dr. Dredd
Title: Season Two, Chapter and Verse
Author: Dr. Dredd
Genre: Gen, teamfic, humor
Spoilers: All of Season 2
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis, characters, concept, etc, aren't mine. Bloody heck.
Words: ~900
Summary: John's unique way of writing mission reports
A/N: I'm blaming owleyes_arisen's Haiku for this. Some of the limericks are worse than others. :-)
Elizabeth looked at the huge pile of papers on her desk and sighed. Her chief military officer usually had to be threatened to do mission reports, but when he finally wrote them he didn’t cut corners. The stuff on the desk represented almost a year’s worth of missions, and would probably take her hours to read.
Her eye fell on a single sheet of paper as she was picking up the first heavy treatise.
Siege III
We thought this was the end of it all
And the city was going to fall
I was on a suicide mission
With some nuclear fission
‘Till Caldwell’s fortuitous call
Elizabeth grinned. Obviously John couldn’t completely bring himself to focus.
Intruder
From Earth, on the way back
The computers went out of whack
A virus sent by the hive
Crashed Windows 95
Bill Gates, you are such a hack.
Runner
This was when we met Dex
Who can bench press several car wrecks
He found McKay in a tree
And soon cut him free
Can I keep him? He will save our necks
This last one led to a snort. Ronon often acted like a big, enthusiastic puppy who knocked things over while wagging his tail.
Duet
Laura Cadman got stuck with McKay
In his head for more than a day
They bickered galore
And bitched at Dr. Z more
And poor Beckett sure earned his pay!
Poor Carson, indeed. Elizabeth wasn’t sure who was more embarrassed: him or Rodney. At least the doctor got a new girlfriend out of it, though…
Condemned
On Olesia all was not well
Their leaders were going to hell
To save their own skin
They fed the Wraith their own kin
It’s only their souls they did sell.
Trinity
There once was a man named McKay
Who had a penchant for saving the day
'Til one afternoon
A planet went boom
And now he stays out of my way!
Ooh. She was still pissed at both of them for that!
Instinct
Beckett was finding a way
To turn a Wraith back to human today
A young girl at wit’s end
Thought herself it could mend
Only to find it was no child’s play
Conversion
Ellia bit me in the arm
Almost led to me buying the farm
I was becoming a bug
Despite powerful drugs
Until a last-minute cure stopped the harm
Elizabeth shuddered. She’d really thought they were going to lose him. And what a horrible way to die! She couldn’t imagine feeling her humanity slipping away, although she suspected people with Alzheimer’s experienced something similar.
Aurora
An Ancient ship fighting a war
With a crew too old for much more
Against the Wraith they did strive
And found a way to beat the Hive
Remember us, they did implore
Lost Boys
Lieutenant Ford showed up again
With a band of not-so-merry men
He planned to blow up a Hive
But it just didn’t jive
Even with a little help from his friends
Hive
Rodney thought he was shit out of luck
And knew he was totally stuck
So he almost OD’ed
To cause himself to be freed
And withdrawal did totally suck
Talk about stating the obvious! When it was all over, Rodney looked like he’d been put through the wringer. Carson didn’t look much better, either.
Epiphany
I was bored out of my head
Hanging on to hope by a thread
Those people were nice
But their life had no spice
And they had me fight the Beast in their stead
Critical Mass
Steve had a snake in his head
He wanted to make us all dead
And the truth was out there
In his glowing-eyed stare
But we blamed Kavanagh instead
Elizabeth frowned. Not her proudest moment.
Grace Under Pressure
There once was a woman named Sam
And McKay was her biggest fan
Trapped under the sea
It was her he did see
Alone in that giant tin can
The Tower
We found a city of opulent means
That was run by some dumb kings and queens
They seemed to be doing quite well
But how was I to tell
That they just wanted to get into my genes
Rodney had done a lot of snarking about “Captain Kirk” after that particular mission.
The Long Goodbye
Lizzie got a gun
And thought it would be fun
To hunt my ass
While yelling sass
She almost killed me before she was done!
She was going to get John for that one.
Coup D’Etat
The Genii were not very nice
They’d kill you as soon as look twice
Then Ladon thought it would be fine
To send Cowen back to DS9
A nuke did the job in a trice!
Michael
We created a new guy named Mike
And told him it’s us he was like
He’s human against his will
And probably out there still
Awaiting the best time to strike
Elizabeth grimly made a note to herself to never let the CMO see that particular bit of verse.
Inferno
The volcano was going to blow
Killing us all in the lava flow
But Rodney was smitten
With a scientific sex kitten
And saved our asses again, don’t you know
It was official. The people she worked with were three year-olds.
Allies
It was a deal too good to be true
Offered by Michael’s Wraith crew
Get rid of some of the bugs
In exchange for Beckett’s new drugs
But they also claimed Earth as their due
After finishing the last limerick, Elizabeth wished there were more. Secretly, she agreed with John that writing and reading mission reports was a drag. Suddenly an evil grin crossed her face. How much would O’Neill pay to see these?
FIN
Author: Dr. Dredd
Genre: Gen, teamfic, humor
Spoilers: All of Season 2
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis, characters, concept, etc, aren't mine. Bloody heck.
Words: ~900
Summary: John's unique way of writing mission reports
A/N: I'm blaming owleyes_arisen's Haiku for this. Some of the limericks are worse than others. :-)
Elizabeth looked at the huge pile of papers on her desk and sighed. Her chief military officer usually had to be threatened to do mission reports, but when he finally wrote them he didn’t cut corners. The stuff on the desk represented almost a year’s worth of missions, and would probably take her hours to read.
Her eye fell on a single sheet of paper as she was picking up the first heavy treatise.
Siege III
We thought this was the end of it all
And the city was going to fall
I was on a suicide mission
With some nuclear fission
‘Till Caldwell’s fortuitous call
Elizabeth grinned. Obviously John couldn’t completely bring himself to focus.
Intruder
From Earth, on the way back
The computers went out of whack
A virus sent by the hive
Crashed Windows 95
Bill Gates, you are such a hack.
Runner
This was when we met Dex
Who can bench press several car wrecks
He found McKay in a tree
And soon cut him free
Can I keep him? He will save our necks
This last one led to a snort. Ronon often acted like a big, enthusiastic puppy who knocked things over while wagging his tail.
Duet
Laura Cadman got stuck with McKay
In his head for more than a day
They bickered galore
And bitched at Dr. Z more
And poor Beckett sure earned his pay!
Poor Carson, indeed. Elizabeth wasn’t sure who was more embarrassed: him or Rodney. At least the doctor got a new girlfriend out of it, though…
Condemned
On Olesia all was not well
Their leaders were going to hell
To save their own skin
They fed the Wraith their own kin
It’s only their souls they did sell.
Trinity
There once was a man named McKay
Who had a penchant for saving the day
'Til one afternoon
A planet went boom
And now he stays out of my way!
Ooh. She was still pissed at both of them for that!
Instinct
Beckett was finding a way
To turn a Wraith back to human today
A young girl at wit’s end
Thought herself it could mend
Only to find it was no child’s play
Conversion
Ellia bit me in the arm
Almost led to me buying the farm
I was becoming a bug
Despite powerful drugs
Until a last-minute cure stopped the harm
Elizabeth shuddered. She’d really thought they were going to lose him. And what a horrible way to die! She couldn’t imagine feeling her humanity slipping away, although she suspected people with Alzheimer’s experienced something similar.
Aurora
An Ancient ship fighting a war
With a crew too old for much more
Against the Wraith they did strive
And found a way to beat the Hive
Remember us, they did implore
Lost Boys
Lieutenant Ford showed up again
With a band of not-so-merry men
He planned to blow up a Hive
But it just didn’t jive
Even with a little help from his friends
Hive
Rodney thought he was shit out of luck
And knew he was totally stuck
So he almost OD’ed
To cause himself to be freed
And withdrawal did totally suck
Talk about stating the obvious! When it was all over, Rodney looked like he’d been put through the wringer. Carson didn’t look much better, either.
Epiphany
I was bored out of my head
Hanging on to hope by a thread
Those people were nice
But their life had no spice
And they had me fight the Beast in their stead
Critical Mass
Steve had a snake in his head
He wanted to make us all dead
And the truth was out there
In his glowing-eyed stare
But we blamed Kavanagh instead
Elizabeth frowned. Not her proudest moment.
Grace Under Pressure
There once was a woman named Sam
And McKay was her biggest fan
Trapped under the sea
It was her he did see
Alone in that giant tin can
The Tower
We found a city of opulent means
That was run by some dumb kings and queens
They seemed to be doing quite well
But how was I to tell
That they just wanted to get into my genes
Rodney had done a lot of snarking about “Captain Kirk” after that particular mission.
The Long Goodbye
Lizzie got a gun
And thought it would be fun
To hunt my ass
While yelling sass
She almost killed me before she was done!
She was going to get John for that one.
Coup D’Etat
The Genii were not very nice
They’d kill you as soon as look twice
Then Ladon thought it would be fine
To send Cowen back to DS9
A nuke did the job in a trice!
Michael
We created a new guy named Mike
And told him it’s us he was like
He’s human against his will
And probably out there still
Awaiting the best time to strike
Elizabeth grimly made a note to herself to never let the CMO see that particular bit of verse.
Inferno
The volcano was going to blow
Killing us all in the lava flow
But Rodney was smitten
With a scientific sex kitten
And saved our asses again, don’t you know
It was official. The people she worked with were three year-olds.
Allies
It was a deal too good to be true
Offered by Michael’s Wraith crew
Get rid of some of the bugs
In exchange for Beckett’s new drugs
But they also claimed Earth as their due
After finishing the last limerick, Elizabeth wished there were more. Secretly, she agreed with John that writing and reading mission reports was a drag. Suddenly an evil grin crossed her face. How much would O’Neill pay to see these?
FIN