The Blowjob Planet by Princess_Bunny (Documentation challenge)
Title: The Blowjob Planet
Author: Princess_Bunny
Challenge: Documentation
Rating: Gen, maybe PG-15
Spoilers: None
Summary: Look at the title...
Notes: This is for thegrrrl2002 who kept laughing at the title.
Beta: This was looked over by Trinityofone in its early stages. Later beta by omgwtf42 and xanphibian. Any other mistakes are mine.
Ps. If you see a small mistake in the "art" you will make me cry.
Word Count: 7,120. Ahahaha. Flashfic. Er...
Mission report for MPX-587
Report no. SGA-8970
January 23, 2006. 2500 hours.
Atlantis Team, Designation Alpha.
To: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, et al.
From: Lt. Colonel John Sheppard
The Natives had a lot of artwork that seemed to follow a religious theme. Teyla was kind of flummoxed upon first glance, but soon the purpose of the artwork was revealed to be one of a “tribute to the gods” variety.
When they finally reach the village, John is gaping, and Rodney jostles his shoulder, “Those are giant penises, right? I want to make sure I’m not hallucinating this. I think there were some strange things in those muffins we ate this morning. People could start floating past me soon.”
John looks carefully at Rodney, and leans over to Teyla, “Um, hey, Teyla, you said your father came to this planet before...did he maybe mention the statues?” John is using his earnest face, even though he can feel Rodney starting to vibrate behind him.
“Phallic worship. Do you think they have giant vaginas on the other side of the planet? I went to a museum, well, I was dragged to a museum with all these fake pussies all over the place, one of them was in the middle of the act of giving birth. Seriously, I couldn’t go down on a girl for two weeks afterwards, it was the most disgusting thing I’ve...” Rodney trails off when he realizes his team is staring at him in horrified awe.
John turns back to Teyla, “Okay, pretending that didn’t just happen.” He shudders. “Did your father mention the large...um, did he mention the statues? Are they important? Shut up, Rodney.”
“My father did not tell me much about this planet. He did not come here very often, and he never brought anything back with him. I do not know why he came here, but women were never asked to accompany the men.” Teyla looked a little thrown, but was handling it with her usual aplomb.
We explored the local temples looking for parties that might be interested in trade.
“Wait, wait, please explain your policy again?”
“It is simple, Izvnye. We feel that in order to fully satisfy the needs of our gods, we must make regular sacrifices of male fluid. This must be acquired in a non-reproductive manner, we prefer using our mouths as it seems the most effective way to collect all of the fluid. All male newcomers are expected to join in our ceremony.”
Rodney leans over to John and stage whispers, “Did she just say they give blowjobs to people in order to worship their god?”
John elbows Rodney, “And you always say nothing good comes of religion, Rodney. Come on. We don’t want to keep the nice ladies waiting.”
“I have never been happy to be wrong in my life before. I think I need to lay down. Or you know, go over there. On the steps. With the priestess. The blonde one.” Rodney points carefully at the blonde one.
We did a threat assessment of the local people.
John’s instincts are warring in his head, on one hand, blow jobs, but on the other, this could be an evil plot. The Pegasus galaxy was full of them. It seemed kind of mean on a galactic scale to be hiding something horrible and scary behind such a wonderful life affirming thing, but well...Amish people with underground lairs. Then again, they could have Teyla keep watch. Even Ronon was making puppy eyes at John.
Teyla kept watch while McKay, Ronon, and I did a further search of the temple for technology.
John makes his most killer puppy face, “Teyla. Come on, they said we had to participate, it’s part of the welcoming ceremony.”
“Please! Teyla! Look, we’ll fly you to the other side of the planet and see if they really do have the giant..” John puts his hand over Rodney’s mouth.
“Look, we’ll owe you for the rest of our lives, okay? Seriously, and we’ll get you anything you want from Earth. Shoes. A new jacket. Whatever.” Rodney is nodding vigorously behind John’s hand. Ronon is just making pleading eyes.
Teyla considers. “Currently there are a few items I am need..”
“See? There you go, we’ll get you those things that you need, just wait outside, while we um, look around. For a few..Half-hour. Tops. I promise. Right back.”
They all run into the temple while Teyla rolls her eyes once they are out of viewing range. This ritual is so juvenile. She can not believe her father came to this planet. She can not wait to tell her people what this planet was really used for, it had been a mystery among the women for generations.
The guys are true to their word and come out about 25 minutes later, all smirking and shoving at each other. Rodney waves at her happily. She tries not to smile; if she encourages this type of behavior, she will never be able to live with them.
Rodney waits until John opens his canteen and takes a drink, and turns to him, “So what was that you were saying about planets with loose women?”
John chokes on his water and ends up laughing on his shoulder.
We did not locate any useful tech on the planet, but the people were very nice. They are kind of clannish however, and in the future I strongly feel only my team should be the one to reestablish contact.
A few months later they were in a briefing with Lorne, and all the rest of the team leaders there, when Elizabeth mentions MPX-587. Rodney looks confused for a second before blustering out, “Oh! The blowjob planet!” He fumbles to recover when John kicks him under the table, “I mean not the blow job planet! Some other word entirely that has nothing whatsoever to do with sex acts. Like theobromine. Well, actually that’s in chocolate, that kind of has to do with sex acts. How about celery, that’s not sexy. It was the Celery planet. Which is not at all long and hard. Right. Celery.”
Everyone in the room is gaping at him. Elizabeth looks to John. He is torn between laughing and wanting to stab Rodney, which is pretty much how he always feels. He kicks Rodney under the table again, and shrugs carefully. “We saw one of the women giving some guy a blowjob in public. Rodney has never been to Amsterdam apparently, and was very impressed.”
Rodney narrows his eyes. Lorne coughs, “So you wouldn’t mind if my team goes there?”
John fiddles with his pen, “Huh, I don’t know, they seemed to like us there, and they weren’t that fond of outsiders.” Teyla chooses this moment to have a cough attack. Goddamn Rodney for teaching the aliens the art of nonverbal sarcasm.
Rodney kicks him back. “I think they liked me just fine.”
John glares at him. “Who just said celery in a briefing?”
“I am not going to being punished just because I can’t lie! That’s not fair! If anyone goes back to the celery planet, it’s going to me. I’m under way more stress than you, what with the genius thing.”
“WHAT? I run the entire military and keep you from getting shot! That alone takes up more hours than will ever exist in a day! On any planet!”
Elizabeth looks at Teyla, “Are you going to explain this?”
Teyla shakes her head and fingers her very nice, very expensive leather coat. “I really have no idea why they so eager to return there. I just remember some strange statues and funny temples. Perhaps they feel they might have missed some important technology.”
John and Rodney stop fighting simultaneously to beam at Teyla. She beams back. She has new fighting sticks and a pile of stuff for her people. She loves being on their team. Ronon has been acting like her almost-slave for months now. As far as she is concerned, they can go as many times as they want as long as they come back acting sane for about five hours afterwards. Plus, if those people are crazy enough to think the ancestors worship male byproducts, it is not her problem. She smiles sedately at Dr. Weir, who frowns at the table.
In conclusion, I don’t feel MPX-587 would make a useful alternative base planet, but we might want to go back to check on the natives periodically to make sure things are running smoothly. Nothing on the planet had any Ancient writing on it, in case you were wondering, Elizabeth. Just crazy religious people, and some statues. Nothing of real interest.”
There was an addendum made by Elizabeth after that meeting:
Add: This planet was locked out of the dialing rotation, over the strenuous objections of Lt. Col. Sheppard, Dr. McKay, and Ronon Dex. Teyla Emmagan also seemed to be in favor of a return to this planet. Sometimes the Alpha Team worries me. I briefly considered sending Major Lorne to investigate the planet, but his team seemed a little too eager to take the mission, and I was forced to have Lt. Charles Haskell remove the address. Dr. McKay leaves me forlorn notes to this day.
Rodney’s note to Elizabeth:
Elizabeth
Elizabeth’s note back:
Rodney!
Author: Princess_Bunny
Challenge: Documentation
Rating: Gen, maybe PG-15
Spoilers: None
Summary: Look at the title...
Notes: This is for thegrrrl2002 who kept laughing at the title.
Beta: This was looked over by Trinityofone in its early stages. Later beta by omgwtf42 and xanphibian. Any other mistakes are mine.
Ps. If you see a small mistake in the "art" you will make me cry.
Word Count: 7,120. Ahahaha. Flashfic. Er...
Mission report for MPX-587
Report no. SGA-8970
January 23, 2006. 2500 hours.
Atlantis Team, Designation Alpha.
To: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, et al.
From: Lt. Colonel John Sheppard
The Natives had a lot of artwork that seemed to follow a religious theme. Teyla was kind of flummoxed upon first glance, but soon the purpose of the artwork was revealed to be one of a “tribute to the gods” variety.
When they finally reach the village, John is gaping, and Rodney jostles his shoulder, “Those are giant penises, right? I want to make sure I’m not hallucinating this. I think there were some strange things in those muffins we ate this morning. People could start floating past me soon.”
John looks carefully at Rodney, and leans over to Teyla, “Um, hey, Teyla, you said your father came to this planet before...did he maybe mention the statues?” John is using his earnest face, even though he can feel Rodney starting to vibrate behind him.
“Phallic worship. Do you think they have giant vaginas on the other side of the planet? I went to a museum, well, I was dragged to a museum with all these fake pussies all over the place, one of them was in the middle of the act of giving birth. Seriously, I couldn’t go down on a girl for two weeks afterwards, it was the most disgusting thing I’ve...” Rodney trails off when he realizes his team is staring at him in horrified awe.
John turns back to Teyla, “Okay, pretending that didn’t just happen.” He shudders. “Did your father mention the large...um, did he mention the statues? Are they important? Shut up, Rodney.”
“My father did not tell me much about this planet. He did not come here very often, and he never brought anything back with him. I do not know why he came here, but women were never asked to accompany the men.” Teyla looked a little thrown, but was handling it with her usual aplomb.
We explored the local temples looking for parties that might be interested in trade.
“Wait, wait, please explain your policy again?”
“It is simple, Izvnye. We feel that in order to fully satisfy the needs of our gods, we must make regular sacrifices of male fluid. This must be acquired in a non-reproductive manner, we prefer using our mouths as it seems the most effective way to collect all of the fluid. All male newcomers are expected to join in our ceremony.”
Rodney leans over to John and stage whispers, “Did she just say they give blowjobs to people in order to worship their god?”
John elbows Rodney, “And you always say nothing good comes of religion, Rodney. Come on. We don’t want to keep the nice ladies waiting.”
“I have never been happy to be wrong in my life before. I think I need to lay down. Or you know, go over there. On the steps. With the priestess. The blonde one.” Rodney points carefully at the blonde one.
We did a threat assessment of the local people.
John’s instincts are warring in his head, on one hand, blow jobs, but on the other, this could be an evil plot. The Pegasus galaxy was full of them. It seemed kind of mean on a galactic scale to be hiding something horrible and scary behind such a wonderful life affirming thing, but well...Amish people with underground lairs. Then again, they could have Teyla keep watch. Even Ronon was making puppy eyes at John.
Teyla kept watch while McKay, Ronon, and I did a further search of the temple for technology.
John makes his most killer puppy face, “Teyla. Come on, they said we had to participate, it’s part of the welcoming ceremony.”
“Please! Teyla! Look, we’ll fly you to the other side of the planet and see if they really do have the giant..” John puts his hand over Rodney’s mouth.
“Look, we’ll owe you for the rest of our lives, okay? Seriously, and we’ll get you anything you want from Earth. Shoes. A new jacket. Whatever.” Rodney is nodding vigorously behind John’s hand. Ronon is just making pleading eyes.
Teyla considers. “Currently there are a few items I am need..”
“See? There you go, we’ll get you those things that you need, just wait outside, while we um, look around. For a few..Half-hour. Tops. I promise. Right back.”
They all run into the temple while Teyla rolls her eyes once they are out of viewing range. This ritual is so juvenile. She can not believe her father came to this planet. She can not wait to tell her people what this planet was really used for, it had been a mystery among the women for generations.
The guys are true to their word and come out about 25 minutes later, all smirking and shoving at each other. Rodney waves at her happily. She tries not to smile; if she encourages this type of behavior, she will never be able to live with them.
Rodney waits until John opens his canteen and takes a drink, and turns to him, “So what was that you were saying about planets with loose women?”
John chokes on his water and ends up laughing on his shoulder.
We did not locate any useful tech on the planet, but the people were very nice. They are kind of clannish however, and in the future I strongly feel only my team should be the one to reestablish contact.
A few months later they were in a briefing with Lorne, and all the rest of the team leaders there, when Elizabeth mentions MPX-587. Rodney looks confused for a second before blustering out, “Oh! The blowjob planet!” He fumbles to recover when John kicks him under the table, “I mean not the blow job planet! Some other word entirely that has nothing whatsoever to do with sex acts. Like theobromine. Well, actually that’s in chocolate, that kind of has to do with sex acts. How about celery, that’s not sexy. It was the Celery planet. Which is not at all long and hard. Right. Celery.”
Everyone in the room is gaping at him. Elizabeth looks to John. He is torn between laughing and wanting to stab Rodney, which is pretty much how he always feels. He kicks Rodney under the table again, and shrugs carefully. “We saw one of the women giving some guy a blowjob in public. Rodney has never been to Amsterdam apparently, and was very impressed.”
Rodney narrows his eyes. Lorne coughs, “So you wouldn’t mind if my team goes there?”
John fiddles with his pen, “Huh, I don’t know, they seemed to like us there, and they weren’t that fond of outsiders.” Teyla chooses this moment to have a cough attack. Goddamn Rodney for teaching the aliens the art of nonverbal sarcasm.
Rodney kicks him back. “I think they liked me just fine.”
John glares at him. “Who just said celery in a briefing?”
“I am not going to being punished just because I can’t lie! That’s not fair! If anyone goes back to the celery planet, it’s going to me. I’m under way more stress than you, what with the genius thing.”
“WHAT? I run the entire military and keep you from getting shot! That alone takes up more hours than will ever exist in a day! On any planet!”
Elizabeth looks at Teyla, “Are you going to explain this?”
Teyla shakes her head and fingers her very nice, very expensive leather coat. “I really have no idea why they so eager to return there. I just remember some strange statues and funny temples. Perhaps they feel they might have missed some important technology.”
John and Rodney stop fighting simultaneously to beam at Teyla. She beams back. She has new fighting sticks and a pile of stuff for her people. She loves being on their team. Ronon has been acting like her almost-slave for months now. As far as she is concerned, they can go as many times as they want as long as they come back acting sane for about five hours afterwards. Plus, if those people are crazy enough to think the ancestors worship male byproducts, it is not her problem. She smiles sedately at Dr. Weir, who frowns at the table.
In conclusion, I don’t feel MPX-587 would make a useful alternative base planet, but we might want to go back to check on the natives periodically to make sure things are running smoothly. Nothing on the planet had any Ancient writing on it, in case you were wondering, Elizabeth. Just crazy religious people, and some statues. Nothing of real interest.”
There was an addendum made by Elizabeth after that meeting:
Add: This planet was locked out of the dialing rotation, over the strenuous objections of Lt. Col. Sheppard, Dr. McKay, and Ronon Dex. Teyla Emmagan also seemed to be in favor of a return to this planet. Sometimes the Alpha Team worries me. I briefly considered sending Major Lorne to investigate the planet, but his team seemed a little too eager to take the mission, and I was forced to have Lt. Charles Haskell remove the address. Dr. McKay leaves me forlorn notes to this day.
Rodney’s note to Elizabeth:
Elizabeth
Elizabeth’s note back:
Rodney!