Diplomatic Incident by Zoe Rayne (ESP challenge)
Title: Diplomatic Incident
Pairing: Sheppard/McKay
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: Only for the porny version of the show that plays on endless loop in my brain.
Challenge: sga_flashfic -- ESP challenge
Summary: John makes aliens have sex.
Diplomatic Incident
by Zoe Rayne
John had been aware of the sparks flying between him and Rodney for weeks, but he'd been carefully ignoring them. It was easier for both of them, he thought, because sex with someone on your team? Not the best of ideas. He really wasn't sure how it might change Rodney's behavior, but he knew himself well enough to realize that he'd lose any pretense of objectivity when it came to Rodney's safety.
Better to just ignore the tension.
As a matter of fact, he'd gotten pretty darn good at ignoring things having to do with Rodney. Like Rodney's hands--strong, sturdy hands that were constantly in motion when he was talking. Or the curve of Rodney's ass in his BDUs; John absolutely didn't pay any attention to Rodney's ass.
He was a mature adult who was in control of his libido, not some horny teenager who couldn't keep it in his pants.
Closing his eyes, he leaned against the cool stone of the shower enclosure and imagined it was Rodney's strong, sturdy hand wrapped around his dick as he jerked himself off, fast and hard.
~ * ~ * ~
"God, I just hope they have coffee. Or something vaguely resembling coffee. Or, you know, just something with a decent stimulant effect," Rodney said, panting slightly from their hike. "I'm easy."
The mental image that breathy statement evoked wasn't exactly something John wanted to think about anywhere except in the privacy of his own quarters, preferably with a good hour of free time to devote to doing it justice. Working with Rodney every day meant he was getting used to going through life half-hard, though; he'd found that a P-90 dangling in front of your crotch made decent camouflage most of the time.
Pushing his sunglasses up on the bridge of his nose, he started working math problems in his head as a distraction. He'd just calculated nine factorial when the village came into view.
"The Intu are a very peaceful people," Teyla said for what had to be the tenth time since they'd stepped through the gate. "They are very sensitive to emotional turmoil," she looked pointedly in Rodney's direction, and Rodney just as pointedly ignored her, "so we must be as calm as possible."
"We get it, Teyla," John reassured her. "We're all completely Zen, right McKay?"
Rodney sighed. "Yes, Major. If I were any more Zen, they'd be making little gold statues of me."
Before John could be tempted to respond with a crack about rubbing Rodney's stomach for luck, a delegation from the village appeared on the path in front of them and John focused on giving them his most sincere friendly smile.
~ * ~ * ~
The wooden table and benches reminded John of the picnic tables typical of national park campgrounds, except that these lacked the dozen or so layers of chipped paint and the sadly misspelled swearwords scratched into them. And, of course, the teenage declarations of eternal love. He pictured a crude heart with an arrow through it, JS + RM carved in the middle.
"Sir?" Ford was frowning at him.
He shook his head, realizing that he was grinning. "I was just thinking about picnic tables and camping back home," he said, patting the tabletop affectionately.
"Yeah." Ford nodded. "I used to go camping with my grandparents when I was a kid. My grandpa and I would sit at the edge of the lake and fish, and my grandma would cook what we caught." Now Ford was grinning, too.
John turned to Rodney. "You go camping, McKay?"
Rodney snorted derisively. "Not if I can help it. It's always too hot or too cold or bucketing down rain; every insect, reptile, and small mammal within a ten-kilometer radius wants to share my tent, if not my actual sleeping bag; and it's a toss-up which I hate more: being covered in grime or bathing in cold water."
Rodney's litany of negativity was oddly endearing; John was so screwed. "Remind me again what you're doing exploring primitive worlds in an entirely different galaxy?"
Rodney stared at him like he was insane. "Are you kidding? Experimenting with incredibly advanced technology, being the galaxy's leading expert on applied wormhole physics, living in the lost city of Atlantis. Duh."
Before John could make a suitably smart-alecky reply, Teyla returned with the Intu negotiators--three women and a man. "Doctor McKay, this is Eru," Teyla said, indicating a young, dark-haired woman wearing nothing but a knee-length turquoise sarong. "She will be your soca--your partner in coming to an agreement."
She'd explained Intu customs during the mission briefing. They would each be paired with an Intu partner; it was forbidden to speak directly to any of the other Intu--even other members of the negotiating team--until an agreement had been reached.
John's soca was Tasu, a girl in a fuchsia sarong who looked to be older than Eru, though not by much. If nothing else, the Intu were a colorful people, John thought, watching a middle-aged woman in green bow to Ford. Ford's grandparents had apparently raised him right, because he tugged his cap off and bowed in return.
"Tasu and Eru will remain here with you to complete negotiations," Teyla said. "Lieutenant Ford and I will go with Yenu and Kuri," she indicated the woman in green and a tall, well-muscled man in blue, "to examine the state of the Intu crops."
Once the others had moved off, Tasu made a quick gesture, and suddenly there were half a dozen Intu men and women surrounding them, placing bowls of fruits and vegetables (at least that's what John thought they were, odd shapes and colors aside) and cups of water in front of them.
John looked across the table at Tasu, who merely smiled at him. "For you to taste," she explained, "before we begin trade. After our negotiations are concluded, we will be pleased to demonstrate the fullness of our hospitality."
Under the table, Rodney's hand closed on John's knee and John looked sideways at him. Rodney nodded at the food in front of him and John could see the hint of worry in his eyes. Right. It was definitely a bad idea for Rodney to die of anaphylaxis from eating the weird alien food. Keeping in mind what Teyla had told them about the Intu needing visitors to be calm, John shifted so his shoulder was pressed lightly against Rodney's, trying to reassure with his touch.
To Tasu, he said, "Dr. McKay has food allergies that can kill him. I hope I won't offend you if I taste everything first, for his safety."
Tasu looked shocked, then said quickly, "Of course! We would not wish harm to come to any of you."
John gave her one of his megawatt smiles and picked up a pink, berry-like fruit from one of the bowls, acutely aware of Rodney's hand, warm on his thigh. It was nothing he couldn't ignore. Really.
The berry was sweet, with a slightly tart aftertaste that reminded John of a cross between a blackberry and a blueberry. "Mmm. These would be good in pancakes." He watched out of the corner of his eye, feeling his heart rate pick up as Rodney took a handful of the berries and popped them into his mouth, licking the sweet, sticky juice off his fingers. John was pretty sure the twitch his dick gave was at least partly in response to Rodney's almost orgasmic expression.
He took a deep breath and started calculating the volume of the inside of a puddle jumper based on measurements estimated from memory. When he looked back over to Tasu, intending to take his cue from her on what to taste next, he was surprised to find her kissing Eru, one long-fingered hand gliding up Eru's arm and the other cupping Eru's jaw.
For a second he didn't know what to think. If this was something she'd thought was likely to happen, Teyla would have warned them, right? She'd been living in Atlantis long enough to have an idea of what Earth sexual customs were. Right?
Which meant that this was totally unexpected, and John hated unexpected; it was pretty much never a good thing. Taking a handful of berries, he ate them slowly, determined to pretend that nothing odd was going on. Beside him, Rodney seemed to be following his example.
"Major," Rodney said after a minute, pushing a bowl toward him, "would you mind trying these? They look good."
Right. John picked up something green that looked vaguely like a giant grape and took a bite. The texture was like a very ripe pear, but it had a tang to it that he thought was maybe a little close to citrus to risk Rodney eating it without a thorough analysis first. He shook his head. "Sorry, Rodney. I wouldn't."
Tasu coughed and he looked up at her. She was flushed a bright red and she looked mortified. "My deepest apologies," she said earnestly. "Such behavior is most regrettable--"
John waved away her apology. "No harm done," he said, and reached for one of the things that might be a vegetable. "What do you call this?"
The rest of the negotiations went smoothly, with no more unexpected public displays of affection. After they'd finally come to an agreement, the Intu had invited them to take part in a feast. Teyla had insisted it would be rude of them to refuse, not that John had really been inclined to turn down food and a relaxed evening next to a bonfire anyway. He'd grabbed the seat next to Rodney and had, over the course of the evening, managed to drift over until his thigh was pressed lightly against Rodney's and their shoulders occasionally bumped.
Several cups of something alcoholic, combined with Rodney's proximity, was having a definite effect on John. He'd just reached down to subtly--God, he hoped he was being subtle, at least, under cover of the semi-darkness--adjust his growing erection, when Ford whispered, "Sir?" He startled a little and jerked his hand back onto the table.
"Yes, Lieutenant?" Sincere and earnest, that was the key. You could make people doubt what they'd seen with their own eyes if you were sincere and earnest enough.
Ford merely nodded further down the table to where three of their hosts--well, two hosts and a hostess, if you wanted to be totally accurate--had stripped off their sarongs and were writhing on the table in an impromptu orgy. Threesome. Whatever. The point was that they were having sex on the table, and it was nearly as distracting as Rodney eating berries had been earlier.
John frowned. When something like this had happened with Eru and Tasu, he'd been watching Rodney and getting turned on. He remembered Teyla's admonition as they approached the Intu village: "They are very sensitive to emotional turmoil, so we must be as calm as possible." Sensitive. Or maybe empathic?
Nudging Teyla and directing her attention to the trio, he said softly, "Is there anything you maybe forgot to share about the customs here?"
She looked as surprised as he felt, so he guessed this wasn't a situation she'd run into before. "I have never seen them behave this way, Major," she answered, confirming his suspicions.
It was his fault, then. The Intu must have picked up on the fact that he had the hots for Rodney. Looking around, he could see other couples, threesomes, and sometimes even larger groups of people now, all in flagrante delicto.
He'd started a village orgy with his out-of-control libido. Elizabeth was going to kill him.
"Major?" Rodney said in a strangled voice, and John turned to look at him. Rodney was staring at the next table, where Eru and Tasu were...doing some really hot things, actually. Rodney made a small, needy sound and when John turned to look at him, he was looking back, his eyes focused on John's mouth.
Screw it, John thought, leaning forward to kiss him. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
fait accompli
A/N: I blame this entirely on zortified, who jump-started my brain by saying, "OK, now I want to see a story where SG1 find a nice new alien civilisation, and accidentally make the aliens have sex." It's SGA, not SG1, but the premise is the same. And James? I'm really sorry it's John/Rodney. *wince*
Thanks to cathexys, wickedwords, carolyn_claire, and rosewildeirish for looking it over, giving advice, and just generally poking me with sticks (in a good way).
Disclaimer: Not mine. If they were...well, let's just say they wouldn't have much time for missions.
Pairing: Sheppard/McKay
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: Only for the porny version of the show that plays on endless loop in my brain.
Challenge: sga_flashfic -- ESP challenge
Summary: John makes aliens have sex.
Diplomatic Incident
by Zoe Rayne
John had been aware of the sparks flying between him and Rodney for weeks, but he'd been carefully ignoring them. It was easier for both of them, he thought, because sex with someone on your team? Not the best of ideas. He really wasn't sure how it might change Rodney's behavior, but he knew himself well enough to realize that he'd lose any pretense of objectivity when it came to Rodney's safety.
Better to just ignore the tension.
As a matter of fact, he'd gotten pretty darn good at ignoring things having to do with Rodney. Like Rodney's hands--strong, sturdy hands that were constantly in motion when he was talking. Or the curve of Rodney's ass in his BDUs; John absolutely didn't pay any attention to Rodney's ass.
He was a mature adult who was in control of his libido, not some horny teenager who couldn't keep it in his pants.
Closing his eyes, he leaned against the cool stone of the shower enclosure and imagined it was Rodney's strong, sturdy hand wrapped around his dick as he jerked himself off, fast and hard.
~ * ~ * ~
"God, I just hope they have coffee. Or something vaguely resembling coffee. Or, you know, just something with a decent stimulant effect," Rodney said, panting slightly from their hike. "I'm easy."
The mental image that breathy statement evoked wasn't exactly something John wanted to think about anywhere except in the privacy of his own quarters, preferably with a good hour of free time to devote to doing it justice. Working with Rodney every day meant he was getting used to going through life half-hard, though; he'd found that a P-90 dangling in front of your crotch made decent camouflage most of the time.
Pushing his sunglasses up on the bridge of his nose, he started working math problems in his head as a distraction. He'd just calculated nine factorial when the village came into view.
"The Intu are a very peaceful people," Teyla said for what had to be the tenth time since they'd stepped through the gate. "They are very sensitive to emotional turmoil," she looked pointedly in Rodney's direction, and Rodney just as pointedly ignored her, "so we must be as calm as possible."
"We get it, Teyla," John reassured her. "We're all completely Zen, right McKay?"
Rodney sighed. "Yes, Major. If I were any more Zen, they'd be making little gold statues of me."
Before John could be tempted to respond with a crack about rubbing Rodney's stomach for luck, a delegation from the village appeared on the path in front of them and John focused on giving them his most sincere friendly smile.
~ * ~ * ~
The wooden table and benches reminded John of the picnic tables typical of national park campgrounds, except that these lacked the dozen or so layers of chipped paint and the sadly misspelled swearwords scratched into them. And, of course, the teenage declarations of eternal love. He pictured a crude heart with an arrow through it, JS + RM carved in the middle.
"Sir?" Ford was frowning at him.
He shook his head, realizing that he was grinning. "I was just thinking about picnic tables and camping back home," he said, patting the tabletop affectionately.
"Yeah." Ford nodded. "I used to go camping with my grandparents when I was a kid. My grandpa and I would sit at the edge of the lake and fish, and my grandma would cook what we caught." Now Ford was grinning, too.
John turned to Rodney. "You go camping, McKay?"
Rodney snorted derisively. "Not if I can help it. It's always too hot or too cold or bucketing down rain; every insect, reptile, and small mammal within a ten-kilometer radius wants to share my tent, if not my actual sleeping bag; and it's a toss-up which I hate more: being covered in grime or bathing in cold water."
Rodney's litany of negativity was oddly endearing; John was so screwed. "Remind me again what you're doing exploring primitive worlds in an entirely different galaxy?"
Rodney stared at him like he was insane. "Are you kidding? Experimenting with incredibly advanced technology, being the galaxy's leading expert on applied wormhole physics, living in the lost city of Atlantis. Duh."
Before John could make a suitably smart-alecky reply, Teyla returned with the Intu negotiators--three women and a man. "Doctor McKay, this is Eru," Teyla said, indicating a young, dark-haired woman wearing nothing but a knee-length turquoise sarong. "She will be your soca--your partner in coming to an agreement."
She'd explained Intu customs during the mission briefing. They would each be paired with an Intu partner; it was forbidden to speak directly to any of the other Intu--even other members of the negotiating team--until an agreement had been reached.
John's soca was Tasu, a girl in a fuchsia sarong who looked to be older than Eru, though not by much. If nothing else, the Intu were a colorful people, John thought, watching a middle-aged woman in green bow to Ford. Ford's grandparents had apparently raised him right, because he tugged his cap off and bowed in return.
"Tasu and Eru will remain here with you to complete negotiations," Teyla said. "Lieutenant Ford and I will go with Yenu and Kuri," she indicated the woman in green and a tall, well-muscled man in blue, "to examine the state of the Intu crops."
Once the others had moved off, Tasu made a quick gesture, and suddenly there were half a dozen Intu men and women surrounding them, placing bowls of fruits and vegetables (at least that's what John thought they were, odd shapes and colors aside) and cups of water in front of them.
John looked across the table at Tasu, who merely smiled at him. "For you to taste," she explained, "before we begin trade. After our negotiations are concluded, we will be pleased to demonstrate the fullness of our hospitality."
Under the table, Rodney's hand closed on John's knee and John looked sideways at him. Rodney nodded at the food in front of him and John could see the hint of worry in his eyes. Right. It was definitely a bad idea for Rodney to die of anaphylaxis from eating the weird alien food. Keeping in mind what Teyla had told them about the Intu needing visitors to be calm, John shifted so his shoulder was pressed lightly against Rodney's, trying to reassure with his touch.
To Tasu, he said, "Dr. McKay has food allergies that can kill him. I hope I won't offend you if I taste everything first, for his safety."
Tasu looked shocked, then said quickly, "Of course! We would not wish harm to come to any of you."
John gave her one of his megawatt smiles and picked up a pink, berry-like fruit from one of the bowls, acutely aware of Rodney's hand, warm on his thigh. It was nothing he couldn't ignore. Really.
The berry was sweet, with a slightly tart aftertaste that reminded John of a cross between a blackberry and a blueberry. "Mmm. These would be good in pancakes." He watched out of the corner of his eye, feeling his heart rate pick up as Rodney took a handful of the berries and popped them into his mouth, licking the sweet, sticky juice off his fingers. John was pretty sure the twitch his dick gave was at least partly in response to Rodney's almost orgasmic expression.
He took a deep breath and started calculating the volume of the inside of a puddle jumper based on measurements estimated from memory. When he looked back over to Tasu, intending to take his cue from her on what to taste next, he was surprised to find her kissing Eru, one long-fingered hand gliding up Eru's arm and the other cupping Eru's jaw.
For a second he didn't know what to think. If this was something she'd thought was likely to happen, Teyla would have warned them, right? She'd been living in Atlantis long enough to have an idea of what Earth sexual customs were. Right?
Which meant that this was totally unexpected, and John hated unexpected; it was pretty much never a good thing. Taking a handful of berries, he ate them slowly, determined to pretend that nothing odd was going on. Beside him, Rodney seemed to be following his example.
"Major," Rodney said after a minute, pushing a bowl toward him, "would you mind trying these? They look good."
Right. John picked up something green that looked vaguely like a giant grape and took a bite. The texture was like a very ripe pear, but it had a tang to it that he thought was maybe a little close to citrus to risk Rodney eating it without a thorough analysis first. He shook his head. "Sorry, Rodney. I wouldn't."
Tasu coughed and he looked up at her. She was flushed a bright red and she looked mortified. "My deepest apologies," she said earnestly. "Such behavior is most regrettable--"
John waved away her apology. "No harm done," he said, and reached for one of the things that might be a vegetable. "What do you call this?"
The rest of the negotiations went smoothly, with no more unexpected public displays of affection. After they'd finally come to an agreement, the Intu had invited them to take part in a feast. Teyla had insisted it would be rude of them to refuse, not that John had really been inclined to turn down food and a relaxed evening next to a bonfire anyway. He'd grabbed the seat next to Rodney and had, over the course of the evening, managed to drift over until his thigh was pressed lightly against Rodney's and their shoulders occasionally bumped.
Several cups of something alcoholic, combined with Rodney's proximity, was having a definite effect on John. He'd just reached down to subtly--God, he hoped he was being subtle, at least, under cover of the semi-darkness--adjust his growing erection, when Ford whispered, "Sir?" He startled a little and jerked his hand back onto the table.
"Yes, Lieutenant?" Sincere and earnest, that was the key. You could make people doubt what they'd seen with their own eyes if you were sincere and earnest enough.
Ford merely nodded further down the table to where three of their hosts--well, two hosts and a hostess, if you wanted to be totally accurate--had stripped off their sarongs and were writhing on the table in an impromptu orgy. Threesome. Whatever. The point was that they were having sex on the table, and it was nearly as distracting as Rodney eating berries had been earlier.
John frowned. When something like this had happened with Eru and Tasu, he'd been watching Rodney and getting turned on. He remembered Teyla's admonition as they approached the Intu village: "They are very sensitive to emotional turmoil, so we must be as calm as possible." Sensitive. Or maybe empathic?
Nudging Teyla and directing her attention to the trio, he said softly, "Is there anything you maybe forgot to share about the customs here?"
She looked as surprised as he felt, so he guessed this wasn't a situation she'd run into before. "I have never seen them behave this way, Major," she answered, confirming his suspicions.
It was his fault, then. The Intu must have picked up on the fact that he had the hots for Rodney. Looking around, he could see other couples, threesomes, and sometimes even larger groups of people now, all in flagrante delicto.
He'd started a village orgy with his out-of-control libido. Elizabeth was going to kill him.
"Major?" Rodney said in a strangled voice, and John turned to look at him. Rodney was staring at the next table, where Eru and Tasu were...doing some really hot things, actually. Rodney made a small, needy sound and when John turned to look at him, he was looking back, his eyes focused on John's mouth.
Screw it, John thought, leaning forward to kiss him. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
fait accompli
A/N: I blame this entirely on zortified, who jump-started my brain by saying, "OK, now I want to see a story where SG1 find a nice new alien civilisation, and accidentally make the aliens have sex." It's SGA, not SG1, but the premise is the same. And James? I'm really sorry it's John/Rodney. *wince*
Thanks to cathexys, wickedwords, carolyn_claire, and rosewildeirish for looking it over, giving advice, and just generally poking me with sticks (in a good way).
Disclaimer: Not mine. If they were...well, let's just say they wouldn't have much time for missions.