surprised myself

[sf_gabs]

So, I slept with my best friend on Monday night. I know; I surprised myself. Well, that was the first surprise. Then, random thoughts when through my head of us getting together, or dating, hanging out more. Things were not turning out as I had thought, as I had envisioned our friendship turning out. Then, he replied to the invite I sent him for New Years. He wasn't having it. ...didn't want to ruin our friendship...doesn't share the same feelings...is ashamed of the way it happened (we were both drunk)... wants to remain friends. Friends. I was devastated. Not that I really wanted us to work out, I nkow we wouldn't. The only time we truly get along in a sexual tension way is when we're both trashed, and relationships don't work that way. I was so upset that evening because I felt as if another guy didn't want me, and I was just burned by a guy the other week, and now to be burned by my best friend...it seemed like too much. So, I took a walk, thought things over, cried a bit, and three hours later, found myself back at my apartment ready for sleep and the answers that come with it. I'm not sure what happened in my sleep, but I made piece with the whole situation. I feel okay about it; I think things could have been better, but I'm not upset. I somehow found the understanding of what I needed to know. So, the second surprise was how well I dealt with this. I might also be surpressing a few worries, but it's nothing like the past, which I'm very happy about.

Also, this last Monday has made me aware of how I value myself. This next year, I only have one resolution: to be good to myself. No more worrying about those external things. This year, all I really want is to work on me, to be good to myself as a person, and improve upon me...Gabrielle. It isn't great that it took something like this to make me realize that I need to put more value on my inner person, but I'm grateful it happened now, so I can really make an effort. Yay for 2006.